Gears of Bitterness

Just a couple of bros, just chilling.

Just a couple of bros, just chilling.

One of my favorite video games of all time is Gears of War 3.  It’s a manly tale of bros just hanging out, watching TV, eating pizza, playing video games, saving each others places in line. They also like to go shoot a few rounds at the range and hang out at each others houses.  Actually, by hanging out at each others houses, I mean each other’s jail cells.  And by shooting a few rounds, I mean shooting a bunch of filthy Locusts.  And by saving each others place in line, I mean saving the ENTIRE WORLD.

Having a squad that you can depend on is the most important thing in the world. Actually, by having a squad that is the important thing in the world, I mean a couple of acquaintances that almost never get together, that will get you pizza and leave, that you can make fun of behind their back, don’t constantly bother you, and that are so bad at video games, that you enjoy to playing against them because they are so easy to destroy.

Speaking of good acquaintances…


…players and refs are almost always connecting..

And who better to encourage you to eat unhealthily…


…than bros that just don’t want you around

And always encouraging a bro to do something that you know he can’t do…


…is the key to laughter. 

And when times are tough….


…bros are always there to offer a soft place to land.

And bros are always there to let you know when you are acting like an idiot…


…and by letting you know, I mean not letting you know.

Alright another good example…


…of letting a friend fail spectacularly.

And a bro will even take it one step farther…


…by letting you look even more idiotic on Halloween. 

You’re always there to encourage them…


...when they think they did something spectacular. 

When bros get together, they can never just do one thing…


…they have to combine everything. 

Like pool…


…and golf.

And they are always there to hold a seat for you…


…as long as you can catch them.

And don’t ever race a friend for a spot..


…cause when they win it, you will never hear the end of it.

Take some time this weekend to reach out to your squad or a squad mate.  If you haven’t seen them for a long time, give them a call.  Especially if they hate talking on the phone. In fact, give your best friend from high school, junior high or even kindergarten a ring. They probably need a bitter memory from high school that they were just starting to forget, brought up again. Remind them of the terrible memory that is you.  Give them an immature swirly, noogie or wedgie.  Humiliate them in front of their family.  Send them to therapy for another 5 years.  Be that friend that they never wanted.


Bitter Friends For Never(BFF) Ben










28 thoughts on “Gears of Bitterness

  1. Ahh that image of the guy acting crazy is seriously scary!! Also now I am dying for an ice cream sandwich with sprinkles!! So now thanks to you I’m feeling frightened and binge eating. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that means I’m in love!


  2. Too bad for me; I don’t have any of those squad mate/friend thingies to reach out to. Guess I’ll have to settle for hanging out with the imaginary variety.


  3. The hockey player flinging his stick probably pleaded his case by saying he didn’t mean to actually hit the official. That’s usually the stance guys like that take in those situations. “Geez, you don’t think I meant to do that do you?”


  4. Yes, I always look forward to that awkward pause when I call someone after 20 years and they finally figure out who I am. By the way, you do know that the guys in Gears of War are gay, right? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.


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