In the spirit of Mr. Martin Luther King’s Day coming up, I had a dream. I’ve always wanted to be a cyborg. I want all my joints that have ever felt pain to be replaced by metal. I wanted metal arms, metal knees, metal back. Yesterday, as I was going through a real amount of pain in my heart, I realized that maybe I have been a cyborg all along and I just didn’t know it.
I have a smartphone that. while not permanent, is attached to my hand almost all times of the day. With its GPS, it gives me directions where to go when I am lost. When I can’t figure out the name of the actor in that one movie, I hit the IMDB app and in moments I am nutrionally enhanced with more useless knowledge. When I want to stalk someone on Facebook, my phone sets me up. If I want to share an idiotic picture with seven other people, I slap it on Instagram and I can immediately be ignored. It may not be attached to my hand, but it might as well be a metal piece surgically implanted in my hand.
I also have cyboric ears. When I workout (just kidding) I have a pair of Beats by Dre. They attach my ears through way of Ipod to almost an endless amount of music, television shows, movies and even podcasts. Another way to allow my ears to hear what I want to hear and tune out people, places and things I don’t want to hear. Though they aren’t permanently attached to me, someone might as well get a shop class to hammer that metal directly to my ears as much access as I have to it. And if it were attached, then I would really have an excuse to ignore people.
At work, my back and backside are almost melded to a chair made of metal. My chairback gives me almost no movement except in a small area inside my cubilce. It attaches my fingers to the keyboard that is typing all kinds of important things. Things like how to order this, how to organize that, how to credit the other thing and how to let everyone know that I did something. The most important thing it does, is what it is doing right now and that is typing this blog to you. It is also crying out for someone to come and PLEASE SAVE ME!
My other hand is attached to my Nintendo 3DS. It gives me strength to make it through times of boredom, when my phone battery is dead, or wi-fi isn’t available or data is used up for the month. It also links directly with the imagination portion of my brain and gives me thoughts and ideas, vast worlds to conquer, or save if I want to, but you know which I will do. Payback, revenge, destroy, smite.
The most important metal part of me though is my bitter heart. My laptop. My MacBook Pro with Retina Display. It is my central nervous center, my bitter beating heart, my memory, my brain. All sources of information go through my laptop. Without it, my functions aren’t complete. Sure my phone can check stats and even write a blog post on WordPress, but doing so only invites disaster, when typing on such a small screen. My headphones can connect to my Ipod for music, movies and television shows, but only on a tiny screen, not in Retina display colors and sound. My desktop computers at home and at work, can do all the same work my laptop can do, but I can’t take them on vacation, or to the library, or to the beach (just kidding. I don’t want my heart to get saltwater in it.)
Yesterday, my bitter heart broke. On Sunday, as I was writing an email to my father, the screen turned black. I thought it was just the screensaver going on, so I restarted it. Still nothing. I decided to move on and just give my heart a rest for the night and hooked it up to the power. I slept unsoundly hoping that my bitter heart would start beating again in the morning. No luck. When I decided to take my bitter cybernetic heart to a specialist to see if they could fix it, I waited nervously for a hopeful answer. Hope that it could be fixed for under a certain amount of affordable money and I could soon have my heart and brain back. When I called and got the information that it would cost about $750 to fix my metalic heart, I panicked. What does this mean? How many monies is that? How is it possible? My brain can’t process all this information without my metallic brain! I needed to know how to react, but it wasn’t there to tell me. Someone had to tell me that my heart was too expensive to fix.
I will no longer know the cool feeling of my metal legs in the morning, when it first wakes up. I no longer know the warmth of the metal on my legs when inspiration sparks and all kinds of processing goes on. I will no longer be able to see the world through my Retina Displays. I will no longer know the joy of blogging, or watching YouTube or answering emails from the library. I will no longer have a place to store all my ideas, pictures and memories in one central place. I will be scattered and I will be lost. I will be more robotic and emotionless than ever before. I will know only permanent bitterness, and anger and regret that I didn’t get Apple Care. I am nothing without my heart, my soul, my bitter beating metal heart.
I will miss you, old friend. May we someday meet again in a cold, hard metallic afterlife.
Bitterly yours and ARRRRRRGGGGGGH,
Bitter Cyborgian Ben