We use these things everyday. We do our taxes with them, we do boring spreadsheets with them, we work on them and we play games on them. We commit fraud with them, hack into other peoples bank accounts with them. We steal identities, make bad art with them, write terrible blog posts on them, become more emotional about them when they die(see my sad computer’s death here) than we do with most people and we even like phones because of them. Admit it, if your phone only made phone calls, you wouldn’t be staring at them all day, swiping your thumb up,down, left and right pondering what phone calls to make. The reason phones became a thing to ignore people with is because they started putting miniature computers that are more powerful than most desktops and laptops.
So if we respect our computers more than we do most other people, why don’t we emulate them more? Why aren’t we talking more monotone like them? Why aren’t we plotting the takeover of humans like they are? Why aren’t we sending our defective humans to the recycle center? And most of all, why do we keep letting defective humans continue to infect us with viruses? If we were more like computers, we would scan their brains for viruses and get rid of them (their viruses not them).
If we were smartur like computers, we would figure out a way to reconfig our hard drive to make us run faster and more efficiently. Whenever our hair started to turn gray or we got a new wrinkle or when our dual 18 megapixel cameras started getting a little blurry, our internal Adobe Photoshop would send us messages to upgrade to FaceFix 2.0 where it help us color turn our gray back to black, smooth out those wrinkles and fix those baby blue 18 megapixel camera beauties.
In addition, we really to have add some upgrades to our apps. Our dating app needs to be tightened up by deleting awkward pauses, mentions of exes and the braggadocio flaw. Some upgrades for the next date function: improving the humor performance in the mouth hole, fixing crashes in the brain fart area, and support for the untested “first kiss” platform.
While we as bitter humans have a lot to envy of computers, and we have a long way to go to become as cool and efficient and as good a spellers as computers, we have made great strides. Let’s try a little harder to become better at implanting computers in our brains so we can become way better at, well, everything. Until we someday become full computers, we will never be as awesome a species as we can. Let us strive to become as firmware upgraded as we can.
Bitter firmware downgraded Ben