Rise of the Machines


Now that New Year’s is over we can finally stop talking about our New Year’s Revulsion’s and improving and growing and learning stuff and talk about what is really important.  Not people.  Those things are the worst. Unpredictable, loud, annoying, talkative, messy, bad at reading signals like the Go Away in my voice, or the I’m Busy, in my eye roll. Like Dwight Shrute says, “There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”

I agree, Master Shrute.

I agree, Master Shrute.

As you all know, 2015 was a disaster just like every other year, but it was early on in 2015, when I knew it was going to suck. I experienced the unexpected death of my favorite person in the world, MacBook Pro.  One day, we were watching YouTube together, while thinking of another blog post we could do together when MacBook Pro lost his vision.  Though his CPU was still breathing, his hot loud motor was running, his face went blank.  I couldn’t see MacBook’s face anymore.  I’ve never cried so hard in my life.  I brought him to the doctor and found out that he wasn’t covered on my insurance (because I didn’t get Apple Care) so it would cost him $700+ to repair.  Knowing it was more than my budget could bear, we had to let MacBook Pro go to the computer graveyard (the mantle where we put our old computers) to collect dust.

I bitterly mourned MacBook Pro for weeks, even writing a proper send off to my old pal in a blog post earlier this year.

Nothing could replace my old Pal Macbook, but I had to move on.  I got another Macbook Pro, but he just wasn’t the same.  Smaller screen, newer features, but blogging just wasn’t the same.  I started my bitter 2015 with a newer, yet lesser version of my bitter self, because my cold, metal heart, never really left MacBook Pro.

Every once in a while, when no one was looking, I would try to resuscitate my old friend, but to no avail. He wasn’t coming back.

But then, the holiday quadrant of the year started, and people asked, “What do you want for Christmas?” and of course, I gave them the pat answer of “Video games. Headphones. More memory.” More memories with my beloved computer.

My wife asked what I really wanted.  “Honestly, I want to bring my computer back to life,” knowing full well it wouldn’t happen.

“Why don’t you go find out how much it would cost.” I already knew what it would cost as I got it assessed at $700+.  I knew it was a lost cause, but was hoping that if I withdrew any other requests for Christmas, maybe a miracle would happen.

I called around all the places and of course, got stonewalled.  Stonewalled by another computer called voicemail trees.  In order to actually talk to someone at one of these stores you had to talk to their answering machines.  Which would have been fine if I had my OWN machine, MacBook Pro to be able to talk to them.  But alas, I did not.

I was so desperate at this point, that I knew the only option I had was to take the most dangerous and treacherous journey ever.  I had to brave Christmas traffic and holiday crowds on December 18th (a holy day to some known as the first day of the New Star Wars) to go to a Apple Store and talk to a PERSON.  A Genius they called him.

I don’t know if I would call him a genius, but he was able to give me one thing that could change the course of my journey.  Though I am usually not fond of numbers, this number changed the tides.  This number could possibly bring my bitter old friend back from the dead.  The number was $310 (plus tax of course) a number which was less than half of the amount I was previously counting on.  $310 sounds like a lot of money for a lot of people to do a lot of things, but for me that day, it was the number that would bring my old friend back.


Mac and Bitter than ever.

I gave them my American Express and my dead friend over to the Genius who sent him to a medical specialist in California and 3 days later, my friend was back. Alive. All his processors working again. Every Pixel working, every memory restored. Just when you thought I forgot something bitter to say about you all, I got all my memories back(every single minibite). Ready to make Bitter YouTube videos and write bitter stories and bitter blog posts and ready to complain about everything and everyone again. We are finally reunited and it feels so bitter.

Get ready for team Bitter Ben and Bitter MacBook Pro to make you even more bitter in 2016.

Bitterly ever after


Bitter Ben and MacBook Pro




34 thoughts on “Rise of the Machines

  1. So happy that you and your Macbook Pro was able to be together again and you’ll be able to be just as bitter as ever this year. This is my first post that I’m reading and I am following you immediately. Too hilarious!


  2. This is the ultimate, no not the ultimate, but the penultimate (even though I know for a fact that you don’t use a pen, or a pen.cil, to write these posts) blog to start 2016 which will undoubtedly be at least as bitter as 2015, though it’s hard to see how. Thank you!


  3. I’m so glad to hear about your friend, Mac! Nothing like resuscitating an old computer. My old PC is still limping along. It stores my photos. Don’t worry. i have an external hard drive too.
    Two months after buying my MacBook Pro, the OS failed. Luckily, I had just backed up my hard drive. Computers can take years off our lives!


  4. I thought about teasing you, and then I rememebered how my precious iPad sleeps on its own pillow next to me every night. Oh wait – did I just admit that?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. “Unpredictable, loud, annoying, talkative, messy, bad at reading signals like the Go Away in my voice, or the I’m Busy, in my eye roll.” Your description of people is just too perfect!


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