The Golden Globes happened two days ago and kicked off what Hollywood calls their “awards season”, where they get together, dress up in their prom attire and congratulate themselves on doing such a great job in their school plays. They think that the whole world cares about their clothes and how well they acted in their scenes. Actually, what is happening is the nerds in the school newspapers(entertainment reporters) and the a/v club(ET, Extra) are brown nosing them so much that they actually think that the rest of the nation thinks they are important. Sure, a lot of people watch on televison, but mostly just to make fun of them, or to see them say something stupid, which they never fail to do. The speeches are all the same, thanking
themselves their crews and family, for supporting them and doing suck such a great job at pretending to be anything else but themselves. Which is probably a good thing, because themselves suck. In a movie, these guys can give a rousing 5 minute speech on injustice or oppression, but couldn’t find one clear, concise thought on gratitude about their co-workers to save their 5 kids from 4 mother’s lives.
But that isn’t what I really care about. What I am interested in is finding that next great bitter character that I can remotely relate to in pop culture. Unfortunately, most of them aren’t real, but in cartoons. I guess that means either real characters need to step up or I need to stop watching so many cartoons with my kids. If you can think of real people in pop culture, let me know in the comments. Here are 10 that I could think of in my tiny pop culture realm.
Tommy Lee Jones – A couple of years ago at the Golden Globes there was a picture of him stone cold faced looking at the camera and not laughing or smiling or even thinking about smiling when jokes were being made about him. Clearly he was really bitter because he was getting awards, making tons of money, and being a Man in Black. I understand now what he was so bitter about. That Man of the House movie. And that Volcano movie. One of those movies he played a guy that saved Los Angeles from a Volcano and had the romantic heat of a polar ice cap with Anne Heche and the other he was an undercover cop that was supposed to be the “house father” of the Texas Longhorn cheerleaders. WHHHAAAAAAT?
Grumpy Cat – This cat that got famous because it kind of looked grumpy and is now starring in a Lifetime movie, that was one of the worst reviewed movies ever on Lifetime. I’ve made fun of some really bad movies on Lifetime and according to critics, this movie was worse than all of them, and the two Garfield movies combined, and not even in an ironic way. No wonder that cat is so grumpy.
Squidward – Spongebob’s bitter half. If you’ve had kids in the last decade or babysat for anyone between 5-12 you’ve probably watched Spongebob’s eternal upbeatness and wanted to hang him from a shower rod. Thank goodness for Squidward, who knows his job sucks and wants to pursue something in life besides working at the Crabby Patty. Someone who just wants to be left alone to play his clarinet and dreams of not working with the ever annoying Spongebob and super lazy Patrick.
Raven from Teen Titans – She’s a little bitter because she has to work with Robin the egotistical lone wolf leader of the Teen Titans, the perpetually kid like Cyborg and Beast Boy and the naive Starfire. All she wants to do is to be left alone so she can read and play with her Pretty Pretty Pegasus dolls and for her demon father to leave her alone. Looks bitter.
Eminem – According to that movie he did about his life, grew up on Eight Mile in Detroit, had a crazy mom and non present father. According to his music, he’s bitter about everyone in music, television and movies except Dre. Looks bitter.
Shrek – Just wants to be left alone in his swamp. Is follwed around by an annoying Donkey. Has an annoying princess tell him how he is supposed to save her. Has an annoying Prince try to kill him. Later, has an annoying Father-in-Law that wants to kill him. Has annoying kids. Just can’t help having annoying people around him all the time. Looks bitter.
Donald Duck – Is jealous of Mickey and Goofy because they can say words. Looks bitter.
Oscar the Grouch – Lives in a garbage can. Has a tall, yellow, too pleasant Bird talking to him all the time when he just wants to hang out in his garbage can. Surround by a bunch of puppets.
Luigi – Always player number 2 when it comes to fame in the mushroom kingdom. Even though he can jump higher and is taller, and does all the work, his brother gets the princess and he gets to find a new ride home.
Aubrey Plaza – She might not be bitter in real life because money, but she plays bitter characters on TV. She has played the above mentioned Grumpy Cat’s voice, April Ludgate on Parks and Rec and Julie Powers in Scott Pilgrim.
Wow, this is a pretty obscure list. So tell me. What are bitter characters that stand out to you?
Bitter Pop Ben