Bittervational Speech – Everyone is Better Than You

 

Get ready to get fired up!

Get ready to get fired up!

It has been the purpose of this blog from the very beginning to help people overcome the heavy weight and burden of being happy all the time.  If you don’t believe me, go alllll the way back to my very first, terribly written post that introduced the world (by world, I mean my family) to this sick twisted blog of mine, and the manifesto to bring more bitterness to the world.  I have failed miserably, for that I’m not sorry at all.  I am a glutton for punishment, so I continue to write blog posts in favor of bitterness, despite losing ground on the battle for bitter on a daily basis.  I continue to write despite the fact that people are getting cheerier all the time. Despite the fact the people find joy in “learning something new every day” or “someone was nice to them on a bad day” or “someone held the door for me when my arm were full of groceries that cost too much for a family that doesn’t appreciate what I do for them enough”.

Being bitter is a state of mind.  It’s thinking outside of the box.  I invite you to start taking a different approach to your thought process.  Instead of finding joy in the little things, be bitter about the little things.  Like “there are so many things I didn’t learn today” or “despite the fact that one person was nice to me at the end of the day, the rest of the day really sucked” or “even though someone held open the door, I still have a bag of heavy groceries that they didn’t help me carry, didn’t pay for and my kids didn’t appreciate it”.  You see how you can turn such a little thing into a bitter thing?

I know I can’t go over all aspects of bitterness in one post.  You would be reading forever and a 17 days after that.  If you want slightly less than that, go read all 437 posts or however many I’ve written and you will start to get the gist of things.  What I want to focus on today, is how Someone is always better than you.  It’s a deep topic, I know, but an important one.  You need to realize that no matter how good you are at something, someone is better than you at it.  In fact, no matter how bad you are at something, someone is always worse.  I know it kind of blows your mind, but I will show you examples.  If you think you have an example to the contrary, feel free to comment about it in the comments, and I will find a way to prove you wrong.

things-usain-bolt-and-my-5-year-old-have-in-common-article

Also, both can be outraced by a nervous cat.

So, let’s say your name is Usain Bolt.  For the last two Olympics, you have been told you are the fastest man on the planet.  You have defeated all comers in the 100 yard dash, and set records, proving that you can destroy all competition.  You get paid tons of money because no one is faster than you.  Your ego and expectations are through the roof and nothing anyone can say can bring you down.  Well, Usain, get ready to be bitter.  Okay man, you are fast.  Maybe faster than any other man.  But could you beat a cat in a race?  A pet that mostly sits at home on its pretend throne, waiting to be fed.  Cats don’t work out. They just eat lasagna and take naps all day. But in a race, you could possibly be beat by a cat.  Or a jaguar, or a mom in a minivan.  Or a horse just wanting to get some hay.  How awesome are you, if you came last in a race with a cat, jaguar, a mom in a minivan, and a horse getting some hay?

More? Okay.  Say you are a CEO of a major corporation.  You’ve worked your way up through 1000’s of major decisions.  You went to the right schools, you took all the hardest classes, you worked long hours, you brown nosed all the biggest jerks to get where you are today.  Words you say affect lives.  Stocks go up and down by what you say to the press.  Jobs are gained or lost, by the tiniest decisions you make.  You are rich and powerful and you have a nice home and you can vacation anywhere you want.  Well, Mr. CEO, meet Kim Kardashian.  Or Khloe, or Kourtney, or Kylie or Kendall.  These girls didn’t go to college, or get a fancy degree, or work long hours at the office.  Guess what? They are rich and powerful too.  Every word they say makes stocks go up and down.  Jobs are affected by decisions they make.  They don’t do anything innovative.  They probably make more money than you and they can vacation like 63 weeks out of the year and still be complaining because they are so STRESSSEDD. Make you bitter?

CEO's, you make less money and affect change less than this person.

CEO’s, you make less money and affect change less than this person.

How about some shorter examples? A world class basketball player is worse than an infant.  The basketball player works hours, days, months, years at a time to learn how to dribble.  Babies, do it instinctively as soon as they are born.

A giant is way worse than a tiny bird.  A giant could tower of a tiny bird but in a battle, a bird could defeat a giant, but just flying away, tiring out the giant or he could peck at the giant’s giant achilles heel and take him down.

 

Megatron.  Works maniacally on plans to destroy the earth, the world, to take over Cybertron.  He spends hours pondering space bridges, energon cubes, devices that control minds, creating little creatures made out of pure energy, and yet, he’s eventually taken down by “worthless humans” like Spike, Carly, Sam, and Chip.  All who he laughs at Optimus Prime for working with.

 

Taken out by a worthless human? NEVER!

Taken out by a worthless human? NEVER!

Home Alone.  Two full grown, totally intelligent criminals, try to rob a house full of awesome things, like a 25 inch semi color TV, a Christmas Tree and some totally valuable used toys around Christmas are foiled by a simple kid that would eventually grow up to be a washed out actor.

Everyone is better than you.  It’s a fact of life.  You could try to fight it, and have a great attitude about life and just do your best to ignore or overcome that fact.  Or you could just give into it like I have, and be bitter about it and think about every injustice in the world like I do.  It will give you greater levels of stress, make you less pleasant to be around and is always give you something to complain about it, whenever the mood around you seems to be slightly tilting toward the happy.  Remember, even the lowliest of us can be bitter.  Even gnats have annoying little brother gnats.  Even cells are divided…on issues.  There are never ending possibilities of being bitter out there.  You just have to be lazy enough to ignore them.  Find your bitterness.  It is everywhere and nowhere.

Be your Bitterest!

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Bittervational Speaker Ben

 

 

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59 thoughts on “Bittervational Speech – Everyone is Better Than You

  1. Flex your bitterness. Get into the bitter joy of bitter building. I broke a smile this morning when I read this, but I whipped it down again. Phew! Thank you for keeping my optimism in check.

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  2. Indeed. A girl in my graduating class is now a semi-famous actress and writer in New York and I believe it’s all because a writing contest fucked me over and she stole my stuff. I creep on her occasionally and watch her lame success. It makes me truly bitter.

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  3. HAHAHAHAHAH!!! I loved this!

    I have to admit that I’m bitter about the Kartrashians. Have been for years. That pathetic family will never be better than me! NEVER!!!

    How in the name of everything wholesome, soft and durable did that family ever get where they are?

    Fun post!

    Like

  4. Due to your amazing bittervational speaking, I almost feel, what is this feeling…could it be that my internal hidden bitterness is finally coming to the surface? Oh no, hang about, I just burped. Yup, still a Cheergerm.

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  5. “Everyone is better than you. It’s a fact of life.”

    LOL! I love a good demovational speech. Cheers me right up. I suppose that makes me a defective unit, which then gives me something to be bitter about. Good news all around!

    Like

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