My aspirations when I was growing up were not too much different than other kids my age. Most of them wanted to be Superman or Batman or a fireman. I also wanted to be in the comics, but as minion #2 for a nefarious megalomaniac dude (or dudette) bent on world domination. As per my life, nothing went smoothly or according to plan, though I’ve heard you have to have a plan in order for something to go according to it. If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m not a good planner. I tried it once and it didn’t take. You’ve probably noticed a post or two that seems to be throw together at the last minute and you would be absolutely wrong. Every post I do is haphazardly thrown together at the last minute.
You could send the world’s best expert in planning to my door to teach me for weeks on end how to plan, and I would probably lose my planner, forget the time because I was playing video games, and sleep through the first eight weeks of the seminar. Trust me, it’s just best for you to let me throw things together last minute. It will always go bitter for me when I do things last minute. Besides, when has an evil plan ever worked? I’m going to be the first ever evil guy to win, because I will just improvise something at the last minute, instead of having some huge, well thought out plan that will always fail.
As you might have deduced by now (because you are way smarter than me), there are a lot of things that I would fail at because of my inability to plan. Obviously, I will never be a good wedding planner, president’s aide, or motivational speaker, but there are some less obvious things that you wouldn’t think about that I would be bad at. For instance:
Lawyer – Can you imagine me being your lawyer?
Judge: Mr. Gardner, your turn to cross-examine the witness.
Me: Judge, can I approach the bench? Whispers to the judge: What does witness mean again?
Judge: The guy seated right next to me. The one that just swore an oath. The one that you need to cross-examine, right now!
Me: Right, of course, of course. Now that you pointed it out, that does kind of make obvious sense. I should have figured it out in the context of the situation. Now, just one more thing. What does cross-examination mean?
Original Boyfriend or Fiance of Actress in a Romantic Christmas Movie – Yes, these guys need to be jerks, which I could pull off no problem, but I would also need some experience being driven, responsible, and a planner to a fault. I would need to ignore Christmas parties, and other important dates throughout the Christmas season, because I am so obsessed with work. Sure, I’m great at avoiding parties at the holidays, but not because of work. It’s because I want to lay on the couch near a fire because it is freezing out, not because I wanted to stay late at work.
Breaking out of Jail – Finding an exit, distracting a guard, digging a tunnel, biding my time, buying a poster, getting a cheap rock hammer. Finding a buddy in jail that could help me. Just so many things that take years of planning. Does it look like I have all the time in the world in jail? If there is anything that I don’t have in jail, it is time. Time to think and ponder. Time to think about revenge on the person that put me in here for a really good reason. I don’t have time for a plan to get out of here. I’ll just be the guy that sneaks out when the break out guys are causing a huge distraction.
Santa Claus – Seriously, I think that dude gets like Christmas day off, then he goes back to work. Planning the route he will take, checking a huge list that changes all the time (twice? Are you serious? I do not have time to do a double check.) Plus, what if he does all the work for a whole year, to get everyone in the whole world accounted for and then, forgets one little thing, like gassing up the sled, or one of the reindeers comes down with a cold. Or Mrs. Claus had a date planned out that day, and made you feel really guilty for breaking the date.
Black Friday sales – Luckily, there is no such thing anymore, because everyone gets their
cheap crap valuable Christmas gifts either online or Thanksgiving night. No lining up anymore because everyone does it at different times. But back in my day, when things were actually closed on Thanksgiving, people would get the Black Friday ads, carefully circle the stores they would go to for the best black and white 5 inch screen television sets, wait in line and then riot and fight and maim people for the one item that only stocked three of in every store. I once almost got beat up for a razor scooter that was only three years beyond being cool for a nephew that didn’t really need a scooter because he had a driver’s license and access to a car to drive to work. But you know, that was well worth risking my life for.
Though these things are all stuff I wouldn’t be good at with my lack of ability to plan, there is one thing that I would be great at.
Being a zombie – Random movements. Check. General malaise. Check. Ability to be in pain all the time? Check. Bitter groaning because of some first world problem like I’m not alive? Check. The general walk and feel of looking like you just woke up? Check. I think I have all the necessary skills to be a zombie. Except for the one that most zombies do, which is walking all the time. Can we just sit on the couch and watch real people on TV for once? Do we actually have to try to chase them?
Well, this post went way better in my mind, but as always the planning went to pot for me. If you wanted to read a good post, I suggest you peruse the Long Reads or the Organization sections of WordPress. That is where someone actually took the time to plan a post.
Bitter Plan-et of Doom Ben