Unless you know some kid that constantly watches Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, Sprout or Nickelodeon this post may not make sense. Let’s just say you do know what Snuggies are thought, whether you want to admit it or not. When they first came out, you laughed at them and said, “There is no way I’m going to ever get one of those things! They look so stupid! And by the way, there is no way I’m going to wear them to a sporting event outside!”. But then things happened, it got colder, you didn’t want to wear your coat inside, and then when you went to your Christmas White Elephant party, you ended up with leopard print one, because no one else wanted it. You got it out to laugh at it, and thought to yourself, “Hey, this is really warm…and so comfy. I’ll just wear it tonight while no one else is home. Things escalated quickly and now you are wearing your full length three piece Snuggie to work every day and you are campaigning to make it required wear to work for everyone in the office.
Well, these toys are nothing like that, but the quick escalation of the “toy” is similar.
If I am accurate in my research, the craze of really crappy hybrid bedding/pet craze all started back in the early 2012’s when Pillow Pets came out. They are kind of a stuffed animal and kind of a pillow, but not really very good at either. They come in different ugly pets shapes along with almost no amount of “stuffing” (cause I can’t think of a word to describe the stuff inside pillows) to be able to support anything other than a owls neck. And owls don’t sleep on pillows. If owls did sleep on this pillow though, they would complain that they could only swing their necks about 90 degrees when they woke up.
Pillow Pet Backpacks
Unluckily for parents everywhere whose kids will want to buy everything they see on TV “because it is only $19.99”, the unbelievable new use came about for the Pillow Pets that weren’t abused in the regular line. They got to be made into backpacks. Cause regular backpacks are cool enough, we had to get the ultra-cool backpacks that wouldn’t embarrass us in front of our friends as much as the Snuggie did for the parents. Difference is, these things have storage. Lots and lots of storage. In just one of these things they can fit a paperclip, 2 pens, a piece of paper, an eraser, a crumpled up note from your crush saying “No, I will not be your girlfriend”, a note from your teacher with your fake parent’s signature, an apple and what is left of your popularity. If that isn’t enough there is even a secret pocket that holds a little bit of leftover lint for those occasions that you need to fill your jeans with a little more that day.
Pillow Pet Dreamlites
These are exactly like Pillow Pets except you don’t sleep on them, they have hard shells, and lights shoot out of their backs. You know, just like in the real world. You’ve been to the zoo when the turtles are doing the fireworks displays from their backs right? The best part of these phenomenal “Dreamlites” is that they allow your kids that are afraid of the dark to go to sleep so much later because they just can’t believe how much light is coming from the backs of these fantastic pets. And if you are lucky they will get the Skunk Model that shoots light right from its tail.
When the Pillow Pet market got as saturated as the Housewives of whatever county of Bravo Network, they had to start another line of crap with even less uses. So some genius who hates parents came up with the ridiculous idea to make Stuffies. They are stuffed animals (do kids really like these things?) that can be stuffed with even more useless things. They hold things like train sets, used Coke(a Cola) bottles, fairy dust, the teeth they are leaving for the tooth fairy, and all the crap on their floor that they don’t want to clean up when they parents make them clean their rooms. We used to call that a closet.
Flashlight Friends- or should I call them Flashies?
I guess there are a lot of really wimpy kids out there that are afraid of the dark. I don’t know if mine are afraid of the dark because they have active imaginations or because I keep telling them bedtime stories about robbers, thieves, ghosts, tornadoes, hurricanes, monsters under their beds and scary animals(non stuffy ones). Not sure why they are afraid of the dark or anything for that matter.
My Fun Fish
Just when you’ve had you fill (get it?) of fake stuffed animals with no uses, they came out with useless things for real animals, and by animals I mean fish. This AMAZING FISH TANK allows you to put in the most rare and flushed brand of fish, the goldfish in a fish tank that is filtered by pouring water inside it. What parents doesn’t want to keep a goldfish around forever. Instead of teaching kids about how Goldie wanted to find adventure like Nemo and find his father in Australia, you can keep your wonderful friend around until the ripe old age of 6 days instead. And who doesn’t want to teach their kids that taking care of pets is easy? Then, anytime you take them to the zoo, they will ask if they can get a pet monkey, cause all you have to do is pour water in their filter and they will live a long time. YEAH!
My Spy Birdhouse
The neato little birdhouse that you can stick up on your window that shows the inside of the birdhouse. You can view creepy little baby birds eating, sleeping…and uh eating and sleeping. It comes with the added benefit of a darkened window so the birds don’t know you are watching them. This is a great way to teach your junior stalkers the best way to become senior stalkers! Darkened windows! Watch them while they sleep! Watch them when they eat! Don’t wait until they are old enough to stalk people at the mall! Teach them while they are young!
For those kids that didn’t think the Pillow Pets or the Stuffies involved them enough, there is the new kind of creepy, Stretchkins. These gems allow your kids to take animals and attach them to their legs and arms and stretch them just like as if they wearing the animals fur coats. Hello Clarice!
Janimals – And finally, the coup de gras of all kids living as animals, I present you the Janimals. If your kid thinks in a past life they were a cat and feel that as a human they are just living a lie, there is the all encompassing Janimals. Pajamas that not only cover your whole body, but your head as well. If the people in this commercial didn’t just do this for the money and didn’t cover their face somehow, I believe they should just be fed Blue Buffalo Life Protection Adult Dog food, cause they are about 110% animal and minus -40% human. I was never any good at math, but I think you can tell, these people went to the dogs.
I don’t have all day to tell about all the creepy crappy stuff there is out there for your kids, but instead of starting them on the gateway drug of Pillow Pets, I suggest you skip them to a three piece Snuggie so they grew up to be weirdos like us instead of what they could become with the Janimals.
Bitter Hybrid of Bitter and Weirdo Ben