When I am asked to give a speech at seminars, usually as the Principal of the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness, I don’t prepare. A long time ago, I would pore over notes, walk around talking to myself and even have dillusions of more than my parents clapping at a rousing speech that I would give. Then I woke up in the middle of speech class. The more prepared I was, the worse the speech. So I scaled back to just going over a bullet points. That didn’t work either, so now, I don’t prepare at all, and I still fail, but at least I don’t have to do all the boring prep work. For all of those last minute people(in gift giving) like me, there is no hope for you. Your gift will be terrible and your friend/family member will hate your gift. But now, at least you have a gift for them to hate because I have started my own toy company Bitter Dreams Toy Company. Here are some of the toys you will be seeing in the upcoming Bitter Dreams Toy Company (or BDTC for inconvience) catalog that I will not be making (These all work best when given to people you don’t like).
Toys for the detailed: The detailed person in your life is one that has a plan, executes and completes before they are able to move on. They are the ones that start Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit and won’t let anyone leave until the games are finished. Heck, they won’t even let your kids leave until they finish Candy Land. For that type of person in your life, I recommend our very special 10,000 piece puzzle. Or should I say our 9,998 piece puzzle. This will have your family member searching the entire house looking for a tiny piece of a puzzle that will never be found. Because it was never made. Also, for the detailed child line we recommend the Lego 2 missing piece sets, for the detailed father, the 398 piece tool sets for dad(always the missing wrench he needs), and the two missing button coats for mom. These are perfect bitter gift for the person that has to have perfect.
Toys for the Technology Guru: You know the ones that have to have the latest gadgets? The son that is never paying attention to the family because he is wasting his time typing up his latest 50 page essay, or doing his calculus homework so he can “go to college”. The daughter that is always on his phone chatting with her friends telling them that she can’t go out with them because he has to “study”? Well for these kid, that will turn out to be nothing but useless world renown scientist that just discover the next element on the periodical table and alway makes time to disappoint his parents by making it home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, there is the Bitter Dreams Toy Company technology line. We have computers that make it difficult to boot up, that have the spinning color wheel (you Mac people know what I’m talking about), that go just long enough to where they want to restart, but right before that. We custom tailor our computers to the users dispreferences. They work just well enough to make the owner need to keep it, but annoying enough that they will constantly want to take them back. Even if our customized computers get them past the breaking point, our return policy will be there to drive them even more crazy. We also specialize in televisions that have a few broken pixels that drive them just crazy enough to want to take back, but not enough to warrant a return.
Toys for fancy: Do you have a special lady on your list who just has to have the latest fashions? That would die if they went to a party without looking their absolute finest? Have we got a clothing/accessory/makeup line for you. This line of clothes is built to please even the most picky lady in your life…for about an hour after they leave the house. The handmade stitching on the clothes, the accessories that shine like pure gold, the make up that goes on flawlessly will dimish as soon as the spotlight is on your beloved lady. Then the hair and makeup will fade, the shiny accesories will start turning black and stitches will start coming undone, making your beloved lady just so bitter about the whole outfit. When she turns on you, just mention how great she looked when you left and leave quickly. Her bitterness will shine like her once glowing face and like her once sparkling jewelry.
Toys with big bows: You know the type of toy I’m talking about. The one toy you can get for the person that has everything. The one that has a collection of them in his 15 car garage, but just one more will make the collection complete. The one that has commercials with catchy phrases like December to Remember. With Bitter Dreams Toy Company, it will be a December to Remember but it will be a February to Forget. Small problems will crop up, but not ones that will make them angry, just bitter. First it will be the heated seat in the passanger side. Then, the heated mirror will only work intermittenly, then the breaks will start squeaking just slightly every 3 days. Then just before the warranty is up, all of them start acting up. Of course, everything is specifically designed to be just above lemon specs and as an added bonus, when shown to a mechanic, everything will work just as smooth as the ice in December. It will icean the heart of even the warmest individual.
These are just a few of the thousands of bitter products that are available for just above your price range. Because you are like me, I know that you will pay the requisite 20% mark up, because you are desperate to show your loved ones just how bitter you are about them. From Bitter Dreams Toy Company, I wish you nothing but the Bitterest of Holidays and thanks for making me rich so I can be a Bitter Rich Old Man (like Scrooge).
Bitter Scrouge Ben