Many years ago, when I was a lot less into my mid life crisis (29 years old), I had told my wife of my desire for a surprise party for my 30th birthday. After talking about it, she told me it wasn’t a good idea, because I would know about it and it wouldn’t be a surprise(not sure what she was talking about). So, we explored other options for my birthday like going to Canada or Portland, because I had never been to either. We decided on Canada and made tentative plans to go my birthday weekend. I had mentioned I was excited about an Adam Sandler movie called Anger Management, so on Thursday, she said she wanted to go to the movie right after work. I thought it was odd, but I was excited because it was cool that it came out on my birthday. I will never forget how mediocre it was, but I didn’t care because it was my birthday.
Right after the movie, we drove home to get dressed for our trip to Canada, but when we got home there were a bunch of cars parked outside.
“Great,” I thought, now I’m going to have to pack with a bunch of people in my house.
My wife started smiling at me all funny. When I opened the door a bunch of people said “Surprise!” I know right? I hate when people at your house don’t understand that you need to go somewhere and it would be easier if they weren’t there. My mom and dad were there from out of town, which was weird for two reasons. First, they knew we were going to Canada, so why show up now. Second, they were supposedly coming next weekend, so why would they come now, only to have to come next week. Weird. So as nice as it was to see them in my mind I was like “Hey, I don’t mean to be rude but I have a trip to pack for.” For some reason everyone was having some cake that said Happy 30th(wow, someone else there had my same birthday!). People kept wanting to talk to me, and wanting to hang around the house. I kept trying to give passive aggressive stares at people to leave, but they all wanted to stay. I kept trying to excuse myself, but I wasn’t allowed to leave. Talk about awkward. After finally shewing people from my home several hours later and telling my parents they could stay here while we went to Canada, my wife pulled me aside and asked how the surprise was. I was like, “Honey, Canada wasn’t a surprise. I knew about it, remember?”
Then she said, “We aren’t going to Canada, you know because of all the people that were here. Your parents are here all he way from Utah.” Oh, so we aren’t going to Canada. That is some surprise. Well, maybe some year I would get a surprise party. I was so bitter about not getting a surprise party that year, I was to a thing called Bitter Management, similar to the Anger Management of the movie we saw.
When I first went to Bitter Management at the B.I.T.T.E.R School of Bitterness, I didn’t understand why. I felt like I had already mastered bitterness. But when I got there, it opened a whole world of possibilities. I thought that I was good at being bitter about the big and obvious things like the lack of surprise parties, traffic, government and work. But Bitter Management had taught me to appreciate being bitter about the little annoyances in life. Taking the time to be bitter about subtle, everyday things. I was taught to be bitter about flowers, trees, leaves, air. It was a pretty eye opening experience at first, and after getting kicked out three times for not working hard enough at my bitterness, on the fourth time it finally took hold.
It taught me that your life isn’t just one big random mess of bitterness, you have to organize it and plan for it and dream about it and build your life around it. A Bitter Counselor suggested that I might start a blog about bitterness. A way to organize my thoughts and spread my bitterness to others who were so desperately seeking bitterness in the world like I was. What a dumb idea. Why would anyone want to read a blog about bitterness? But I did it because of the threat that if I didn’t I would be kicked out again. Clearly it didn’t work because I have only been able to manage doing this blog for a year and a half now and have only posted 230 times and only about .000001% of the trillions of people in the universe have even read one post. I failed so I gave up and laid on the couch. I never did figure out how to be bitter about the little things because that took so much energy, but I was able to contemplate the big things, like why my cable costs so much, when there is never anything on. Or why it shows that there are 700 channels on there, but I can really only watch about 70.
In fact, Bitter Management failed at everything for me. Except one thing. Making me bitter about Bitter Management.
Arrrrrggggghhhh
Bitter Too Much Management Ben
Related articles
- In case you missed Bitterness as much as you missed the Government(ie not at all) (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
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I’m bitter that I missed your party! Canada is certainly bitter that you did’nt come…
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It’s never much of a party when I am it. I just sit around avoiding people.
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1. you are so right about all the channels….in maryland i had 300 channels & sometimes nothing was on.
2. if you went to canada you would be alone. they are all here. yesterday one man went in the pool. it was 68 outside ,but the water temp.was probably 60.
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Oh my gosh it is so cold. nothing on right now.
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it’s cold?fri it will be 69,sat – 69, sun -70 mon- 71 supposedly…they never get it right.
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how do deal with the cold like that?
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lone ranger mask & a scarf
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I would be wearing shorts if it was that hot.
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you & every man here & the ups man.you would be camouflaged
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you have to wear a coat for high 60’s?
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no just a scarf.only my throat gets cold.oh i’m so mad.it was one of those stupid weatherman who are dumb days yesterday…supposed to be 60.. then last night at 10 i found out it was 70 at 1;30.
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I can’t believe the weatherman who is supposed to be trustworthy and has only one job is off by a whole degree.
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that’s the new ben math.. here they miss it by at least 6, many times 10 degrees..
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10 degrees doesn’t make a difference when you are -30 or -40.
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that’s true. dead is dead.
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which is what would happen if you spent any amount of time outside in that weather.
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yes you are correct…today’s high is 72 now.. they change it every hour..at 11 am it was supposed to be 70, but now they say 66…they make me mad…mon was 80 last night & now it’s 77.
lady 2 hours away but only 93 miles said it’s sooooo coooooold.
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like mid 60’s?
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higher it’s 66 right now at 6…it was 73 at 11;25 am now it says that , but at 11 it said it was 68…they really don’t have a clue?
now they say 73 sun & 74 mon.
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You are like weather.com
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i wish i was; i could certainly do better than whoever is here…i could use granny clampett’s cricket…it’s supposed to be 69 at 5 pm- 0 % rain all day …..3;00 drizzling ; i was looking for shells on the beach….i go back to the pool it’s locked with my shoes , my clothes & my atkins shake…they never locked it in a year…..
they are paving a new sidewalk tomorrow, so the beach is closed, but it will be 77 degrees.
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Maybe that is your destiny. To be a weather person.
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i can’t remember what i wrote & it disappeared
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It was something about me telling you to be a weather girl because you are so good at telling me what the weather is like.
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yes it was. do you have a bitter dog?
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I don’t have a dog, but if I did he would be bitter.
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yes he would be bitter, b/c you would eat his pizza
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dog better not mess with my pizza.
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pizza better not mess with your dog
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if I had one.
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your imaginary dog orders pizza online..
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Then he might be worth something.
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all dogs are worth a lot of somethings
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Not all of them. Are you one of those ones that cry during the Sarah McClocklin commercials?
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oh dear g-d…i cry before i can change the channel..how many years will this go on? 2 already.
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she just needs to buy all those puppies.
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yes she can afford that with royalties from her song
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Does anyone like that song anymore?
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no they do not like it sam i am
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I would eat it with a fox or with some rocks.
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and i would too with chicken pox
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i think i actually wouldn’t eat with chickens pox but maybe pop rocks.
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is that candy?
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yes, pop rocks google it.
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i will if i can figure out how to google on windows 8; actually i better wait til other computer dries out. there’s no virus protection or deleting cookies on here.
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you don’t know how to google on windows 8? no matter you hate it.
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yes i hate it…actually i finally found a search thingy,so stupid why would i want an amazon search engine, but i somehow pt google chrome on here & i am here, but probably not for long until i find delete cookies & stuff
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this was a long one about how i could even guess the tides better…they wrote high tide was at 10;13 but at 11;30 i saws it was low tide & it stayed low tide all day even at 5 pm,it was still low…can that be?
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If you really want bitterness, do go to Winterpeg in February. You will be plenty surprised at what bit that chill can bite. 🙂
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I’m from South Dakota and it got -80 below once. Someday I will go to Winnepeg to just to find some more bitterness.
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Your posts are killing me. Excellent work. Makes me want to go guzzle a bottle of Angostura Bitters. It would be kind of like “drinking from the Kool-Aid” but not really because well… it’s a bottle of bitters.
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I’m glad I’m making you bitter. It’s my aim. Keep reading for more bitterness.
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“I was good at being bitter about the big and obvious things like the lack of surprise parties, traffic, government and work.”
We should all be so lucky to find our calling in life…
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I thought you had your calling in life. Acting, directing, writing blogs, etc.
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Yeah, but they don’t compare in magnitude – with your calling, the bitter possibilities are endless.
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And you are freakin famous, and no one knows who I am so the possibilities are endful. And I don’t get paid for my bitterness.
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“Freaking famous” – now you’re just starting a war of bitterness!
I suppose you don’t know that acting is one of the few professions where unknowns *beg* to work for free, just for footage? Not me, I don’t beg. But I have worked for free.
Talk about “bitter”. I think we should trade blogs.
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I wouldn’t know how to be a Gunmetal Geisha. And as far as doing things for free, I begged for free work while trying to get a job in advertising. To try to get into work in advertising, I took a job in telemarketing and have pretty much been doing it since then. Now in order to get a job in writing I blog for free. And I suck at interviewing. So I’m pretty bitter.
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Touché. You win this one.
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There will be other battles. Don’t worry. I lose most the of the time.
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I saw your “like” on my Ebay post, noticed your chipper handle and had to come on over here to check things out. I don’t want to puff up your head with any compliments, but I plan on reading your blog from now on (when I don’t have anything better to do).
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Most people will find just about anything to do but read my posts. I tried to get a picture that showed me in a really good mood and that was the best I could get.
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Oh my goodness. This is hilarious and kind of sad. You are welcome to come to my part of Canada any time. I will make sure my mom gets her hospitality down – seeing how she never invited you before.
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I know right? There is like a shield trying to keep me out of Canada. I guess they just don’t want any bitterness up there.
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Come in the winter. There will be enough bitterness to share. No snow yet! central/southern Ontario at least..
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Well maybe I will go to Winnepig or somewhere that actually has some snow and bitterness.
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No one goes to Winnepeg… It is one of those places you never hear about. You learn it to fill out the map and that is about it.
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Kind of like South Dakota where I was from. I used to be bitter about being in no man’s land.
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That is hilarious, I totally told Jamie if I had to pick any State to live in, I would have to pick either South Dakota because you never hear about anything in South Dakota, so why not — or Utah. Although I have heard you might be a target for Mormon preachers…
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SD is a barren wasteland outside of the west part where Mt. Rushmore and Sioux Falls on the east where I lived. You would be right at home. I promise I won’t preach to you if you come to Utah.
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Thank goodness there will be no preaching. I mean, I would have to pour myself a glass of wine to deal with it, which would result in needing to be saved… tasteless joke?
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It would be funny to see you do that in front of us, just to see us squirm and be bitter.
We would still like you anyways.
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Hahaha, I guess the more I drink the more likely I would be to convert. Mission accomplished.
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You are so silly. Just don’t end up in rehab. Make sure you don’t freeze up there, because it is getting so cold there.
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I had a birthday where TWO surprise parties collided, crashed and did lots of awkward things. I stared from a corner and ate cheesecake.
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Sounds like what I would have done. Let all the people just fight it out.
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Of course. Who wants fulfilling social relationships when you got cheesecake?
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Cheesecake is way more important than someone’s opinion on the weather or politics.
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You said it.
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You should have come to Portland, they wouldn’t have found you here.
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I’ve been there since. Just hadn’t at the time. It helped that we had friends that moved there.
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Well I am from Canada and it isn’t bitter here, unless you count winter, so you may want to stay home eh?
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I don’t plan on going now. It isn’t near my birthday yet.
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lolol
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Some birthday though.
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Hahaha – I’m glad you got your surprise party : )
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Wait, I got a surprise party? 10 years later I am finally told that that was a surprise party? Now I’m bitter. I thought it was for someone else.
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So did you ever get to Canada?
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I have actually been to Canada, but haven’t been since I was little so I don’t really count that. I live in Seattle so I could go about 3 hours north and get there. I came close this summer as we went to the south part of Blaine, WA which is the border town on our side, but we didn’t have out passports so we couldn’t go.
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A trip to Canada was a cover for a surprise party filled with small talking and other people in your house? I’d be bitter, too.
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Wait, are you saying there was a surprise party there? Who was it for and why wasn’t I told!
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Haha that is really sad about the non-trip to Canada.
I once had two surprise parties in one night. It was just like it sounds.
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I can’t even imagine something going right when YOU had two surprise parties. I imagine you had a boyfriend at each one and they both happened at the same place and same time? How close am I?
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Hahahaha no, I have never ever doubled up on boyfriends!!! I was basically antisocial at the time (more so than now, hard to believe) and couldn’t think of a worse occasion to suffer than being around lots of people twice in a row. There may have been a creepy clown. I may also have said something like “now I can get naked!” as we walked through the dark house before the lights flipped on and everyone went “….Surprise…”
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Now that kind of situation, is an Aussa situation. Socially awkward and anti-social are my next favorite words after bitter. It was pretty painful to have a party in my honor when I had to pretend to be social and charming.
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I’ve been to Canada. It was nice enough, but nothing to get too bitter about.
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It was the principal of the matter. I was promised a trip and a surprise party and I didn’t get either.
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I told my wife never to throw me a surprise party. I think half the fun is in the planning and anticipation.
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Which means she is going to throw one for you eventually.
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It really SUCKS that you got FP. What a pain in the ass. All these new people and readers (STRANGERS at that) and having to like, interact and make sure they’re all erring on the side of bitterness. You should add a blurb to the FP post that says, “If you plan on commenting, please consider more bitter and less congratulatory please” … or something. I’m so SORRY you have to deal with such a certain mess.
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What a pain in the bitterness I know. I will have something to be Bitterly Pressed about. Tell all the new visitors to get our of my house, I’m trying to take a nap!
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Mid Life at 29? Man you are bitter. 🙂
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It was the second half of my midlife crisis which started at 15. And thank you for acknowledging my bitterness.
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Nothing like a surprise you didn’t plan for 🙂
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I’m still bitter I never got a surprise party.
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I’m so glad you found a focus for your life.
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I found it, then it left when I laid down on the couch.
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“It taught me that your life isn’t just one big random mess of bitterness, you have to organize it and plan for it and dream about it and build your life around it” — I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.
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How dare you take a quote out of text to make me look bad! I’m so bitter I will burn your blog to the ground!
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Now we go to war…
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War is bitter, so it just fuels me.
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Lol! That does suck that you missed out on that trip! Now will there be a reschedule? Maybe next time it with be a birthday party, with a surprise trip to Canada! You can only hope:)
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I doubt I will ever make it to Canada. It is like three hours north and there is an invisible barrier around it.
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I’ve missed your bitterness Ben 🙂
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You would be the first. FYI, I just got Freshly Pressed. For the Tall one, which is ironic because you are always complaining about being short. I think you would like the contrast.
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Freshly Pressed?!?! I stop frequenting WordPress for a few weeks then you go and get bloggy famous on me? Congrats Ben 🙂 I’m sure it made you SUPER BITTER!!
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Incredibly bitter. Now I will have to respond to some weirdos about height. I’m not even that tall! Well compared to you, but my daughter is taller than you so…
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