Bitter Greetings bloggers of the internet. I am Bitter Barry of the BBI (Bitter Bureau of Investigation for those of you who live under the sea. I’m talking to you Ariel!). I am in a casually desperate search for a criminal called the Ben the Bitter Blog Bandit. He is not really dangerous or scary, but he is in the top 7 billion most wanted criminals, so I have been assigned his case. Be on the lookout for this almost harmless theif (most bunnies are more harmful. Have you seen Monty Python?) We have studied his patterns and have found he is pretty easy to find as he frequents the same places almost every day. Mostly the couch, his chair at work, his car at almost the same time every day. While he appears to be almost innocuous, he is a bandit and needs to be stopped, but someone else. Because while I, Bitter Barry, am part of the BBI, I am one of the lazy agents that doesn’t have much drive or motivation. So, while I sit at work blogging, can you be on the lookout for this guy? Thanks. Oh, so you need a list of his bitter crimes? Here you go.
Recently he has been seen stealing candy. He is not even really subtle either. As he walks by his front desk at work, he will say something like, “Ooh Free Candy, I will take….this Snickers Bar, this Milky Way, this Twix and…how about everything in the jar? Well, how about I just take the jar.” The standersby must be so stunned by his pure gluttony or his unbelievable obliviousness to the needs of the other candy wanabee eaters lined up behind him for candy, that they can’t find the courage to report him. Regardless, his thievery must be stopped. We also have camera surveilance of him stealing candy from other areas of the building. As he walked by tech support he pretended to care what the heck tech support was going on about, and interupted them by asking,”Hey, you guys gonna eat the candy in your company assigned pumpkin?” One tech rep responded by asking him to try to restart his computer, and the Bitter Bandit took that as a yes and proceeded to empty the pumpkin of all its contents. The monster. He needs to be stopped…by someone else.
The candy crime is just the beginning. We also have some intel that the Bitter Bandit steals from his kids. We have information from spies in his place of residence that he makes his kids food items. For example, a child will ask him to make a sandwich. He will spend perhaps 40-60 seconds grabbing bread, slapping some cheese and mayonaise on the two slices of bread, then out of nowhere, proceeding to take a bite out of the sandwich. When he gives the sandwich to the victim (his child) they protest as they find evidence of the missing bite of sandwich being chewed right in front of them. We have audio evidence of the children saying, “Dad, why did you eat a bite out of my sandwich?” and heavy whimpering. The Bitter Bandit coldheartedly responds, “It is my daddy tax. For every sandwich I make for you, I get a tax.” The cruel Bitter Bandit then walks away without a care, clearly showing his coldhearted sociopath tendencies. The breaking hearts of children must be stopped.
Just when you thought you couldn’t stand to hear any more about his hideous crimes, there is one last crime which is worst of all. You think that all these bitter rants he does on his blog are original? That you can relate to them? And the pictures that he puts up are his own? Wrong! He has been stealing letters, words, phrases and sentence structure from authors who have been published. He has been using thoughts and ideas that are not original! In fact, I’m pretty sure he has not used one original letter in all of his 230 some blog posts! And you may have thought that he spent all kinds of time meticulously drawing and taking each and every one of the pictures used in this blog. He didn’t. He is a complete fraud and needs to be turned in.
Help stop this Bitter Blog Bandit so the world will be safe of his bitter theft. If you have any information about the whereabouts of this sociopath, please contact me your BBI agent, by hitting like button at the bottom of the screen, then commenting in the boxes below. If you are not subscribed to the blog, please hit subscribe so we can know how to contact you in our hunt for the Bitter Blog Bandit. He is wanted Dead or Asleep.
Bitter BBI Agent Barry
- In case you missed it…I’m blogging home alone (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Management (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Bacon Ben (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)