This is not Shakespeare writing a play, it is him writing down things that will be unoriginal people’s Facebook posts.
You all have at least one of these pain in the bitter people as a Facebook friends. It’s not the boring pictures friend, or the promote their child’s terrible talent recital friend, or the overshare about whatever “procedure” they are having that I don’t want to know about friend, or the brag about their vacation to Hawaii for two weeks so I am aware of when I can rob their house friend. No the “special” friend I’m talking about is the inspirational “quote” friends. You know the ones I’m talking about. Every little quote they find on the internet or they hear from a friend or whatever part black hole they get quotes from, they have the need to post on Facebook. Not just one or two an hour either. We’re talking about the type that appear on your wall 40 times between any other post from anyone else.
“Uhhh, this is the worst day ever. Wait…what is this inspirational quote on Facebook? Oh wow, now this is the best day ever! Thanks inspiration quote!”
Just so you know, I am not going to be in the midst of the worst work day I’ve had since yesterday, pull up Facebook, read that “inspirational quote” that Alfred Einstein never said and all of a sudden puke rainbow colored unicorns. Not going to happen. I will probably just be more bitter. So thanks for that Facebook quote queen or king for that.
Luckily, I realized that I had a talent other than bitterness that I am going to share with you today. I have the ability to take any quote and deconstruct and Bitterize it. Below are some examples, and as a (paid) service you can send me a quote, no matter how inspirational, or upbeat and I will be glad to Bitterize it for you. Only $5 per quote.
My special talent? I take inspirational quotes and break them down and Bitterize them.
These are just a few examples from our front desk that is required to put a quote on each of the out of office reports:
“Without fear, there cannot be courage.” – Christopher Paolini
Quote Bitterized: “Without sleep, there would be no naps.” Mr. Obvious
“Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.” – Albert Einstein
Quote Bitterized: “That is just absurd, and the definition of impossible is that it can’t be done. Weirdo.” Bitter Ben
“It is much easier to be brave if you do not know everything.”
― Lois Lowry
Quote Bitterized: “It is also much easier to be an idiot if you don’t know everything…soo,” Bitter Ben
“Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.”
― Abraham Lincoln (also Pollyanna)
Quote Bitterized: “And that is a bad thing?” Bitter Ben
“I would rather fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed than succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail.” -Woodrow Wilson
Quote Bitterized: “Sounds like you just want to fail like I do all the time.” Bitter Ben
“The desire to reach for the stars is ambitious. The desire to reach hearts is wise.”
― Maya Angelou
Quote Bitterized:”Stars are like a billion miles away. Why would I go to space just to reach a dying planet? And what, you want to perform heart surgery? Gross!” Bitter Ben
“Don’t find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain”
― Henry Ford
Quote Bitterized:”Finding fault is great, complaining my forte. Remedy? Do I look like a doctor to you?” Bitter Ben
“Hang in there. It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett
“Yes great things happen when I just hang in there. Like hanging on a pull up bar.” Bitter Ben
“If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing.”
― Benjamin Franklin
“Or star on a reality show that is rotten.” Bitter Ben
“Sometimes the little things in life mean the most.”
― Ellen Hopkins, Glass
“Ants are little, bees are little, mosquitos are little. Mansions are big.” Bitter Ben
I could go on, but then that would interfere with my nap time. So you know, leave your favorite quote, I will bitterize it, put it on a T-shirt, and sell it to you for $20. Cause I do bitter things for people. You can insult me later.
Arrrrghhhh
Bitter “Misquoted” Ben
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Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Have fun with that. 😉
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“Always succumb to the temptation of bitterness.” – Bitter Ben. How’s that?
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Great alliteration!
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And I didn’t even try that hard!
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great blog. a true fellow traveller. not only the inspirational quote needing bitterising but the surfeit of likes to your blog which come with the inspirational ‘ how to separate you from your hard earned bucks and give it to some low life net layabout’ schemes, eg AWOL etc etc.
great work blog on!
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Will continue with my bitterness as planned.
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You are very funny. Thanks for liking my flying post!
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Actually I’m pretty bitter.
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Thanks for liking my blog. I was initially
shy of the name of your blog, but this is
one of the best WordPress blogs I’ve been on.
Computers are bitterizing machines, indeed.
You can make any quote of mine stupid…
to err is human, to forgive divine…
to errr is stupid, so use your spellchecker, idiot!
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Most people are afraid of the blog. I am too. Sorry that you ended up here. I will be glad to reimburse the reading fee of $0.
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This post was hilarious! I hate those inspirational quoters on FB too. I’ll be sure to send their “inspirational words” your way!
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Feel free to allow me to bitterize any nice quotes you find.
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I love it. I hate it when my whole news feed is puppies and quotes. I want to know who broke up. That’s why I have Facebook in the first place.
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I want to make every “clever” quote look completely stupid.
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I love quotes and yet I loved this quote 🙂
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I love quotes and yet I loved this quote 🙂
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Quotes just make me bitter..
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I did, in fact, laugh out loud.
You’re welcome.
Or thank you.
Or whatever.
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I’m sorry that happened to you. Maybe next time I can get you to be bitter next time. I’m getting soft.
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so bitter, so funny
thanks for reading my post so I can surf through your eyes (of course that would make me blind and be heavy laying on your head)
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Surfing in bitter water these days? Sounds kind of dangerous and something you should wait at least 30 minutes after you eat to do.
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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
An apple a day can keep anyone away, as long as you throw hard enough. 🙂
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“Especially when doctors are allergic to apples.” Either one works.
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Compared to all of the other crap people feel they need to share on FB, (especially extremely personal problems), I can deal with quotes.
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I’m not friends with oversharers. They usually get the boot.
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This post and the comments you are getting has me giggling and I’m feeling anything but bitter. How ironic …..
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Well, if you want to go back to Facebook and read some “inspiring quotes” it will get you back to bitter really fast.
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Well, I didn’t realize you were on Facebook! We’re gonna have to be friends!
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I’m totally on Facebook. Just another way to spread bitterness. There should be a widget on the side of my blog if you are interested.
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I was too impatient and just went to the source. Hee!
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That works too. Just make sure to hit like (or dislike) so I get extra credit or something.
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Well you are just plain wrong and bitter Ben. I regularly see these quotes on Facebook and vomit unicorns and rainbows and my bitter day is infinitely improved.
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I am definitely plain wrong and bitter. As a service, I can post bitter quotes on your Facebook and get you back down to a bitter level.
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“Without sleep there would be no naps” is my favorite. Yesterday, my sister said I was bitter. I obviously answered with “yes, of course. But I rather be pleasantly surprised when something good happens than be disappointed when it doesn’t”
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I cannot overstate how happy it makes me to hear that you are bitter. It warms this bitter heart like one of your chocolate chip cookies. Also, great quote.
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“Vacation to Hawaii for two weeks so I am aware of when I can rob their house friend.”
HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHA, I never thought about that before!
What about the, post nude photos of my children cause they are so cute friend? Yeah, but um there are creepers out there dude. (WELL THEY CANT SEE THESE PHOTOS!) Ok… you clearly just learned about the internet, no?
This post has perfect timing too. The other day a friend of mine from college (whom I no longer speak to admittedly) posted up a quote I have never heard…
“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.
(so he was being metaphorical and shit, I brought it back to reality as an avid hiker)…
“But that is where the snakes are.”
And he responded with the weirdest shit ever “And why be afraid of snakes if you can see their true colors?”
What the fuck? First off if we are talking about reality, snakes are a threat. I suppose that one could look at the color of a snake and know it isn’t dangerous, but I thought it had more to do with the patterns on the back… or the rattle to tail situation that made it pretty obvious you need to get the fuck out of there.
Second… if we are talking metaphorically… wouldn’t you just avoid people who have shitty true colors? I am not afraid of a person that sucks as a human being; I just cut them out of my life. Never have I been in a situation where I said, ahhh I see so and so’s true colors, I shall no longer be afraid of them.
Maybe it’s not the quotes that are annoying… but the meaning behind them that people believe apply to them when in reality they have no idea why it was written, nor can they expound upon it in an eloquent way that promotes the necessity of sharing it!
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It’s all that, but also just the annoying philsophy behind quotes. Most of them have the gist of “If you change your attitude, life will all of a sudden become rainbows and unicorns.”
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Agreed. If you change your attitude… your attitude has changed. :p that would be kind of weird to get posted on your wall.
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I could smile really big, but it wouldn’t change my life one bit.
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Yes it would… people would think you were fucking crazy.
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And I would be okay with that. But it wouldn’t be a change.
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People would not talk to you anymore. I think it is what you want, no?
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That is correct. The less talking the better.
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The professor doubts you could even smile…
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I only have the bitter smile which is completely fake looking and makes me look like the Joker.
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Then that is a cool, bitter smile!
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Before I pay you 5$ to demmage one of my wonderful and most clever quotes I want at least 3 drafts! Happy summer to you!
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I was beginning to wonder if you were ever coming back! Welcome back my favorite bitter disciple!
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How could I resist. Wonder that you wonder 😉
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The allure of the sun was too great for you huh?
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or . . .
“a fool and his money are soon parted”
bitter translation = you’ve been robbed!
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That reminds me of my lost and found post not two posts ago. Clearly I am the fool and money runs and hides from me quite frequently. In fact, I am at 0% when it comes to winning the lottery.
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how about this one ?
“Your loss is another person’s gain”
bitter translation = you’ve been robbed !
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Could be the loss of an arm or anything bad that happens to someone that makes you laugh at them. My favorite word: Schadenfreude
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Fantastic, will have to share this with my qoutafriends.
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If it gets just one terrible Facebook quoter to stop, it is totally worth it.
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“Nobody gives a crap about your fluffy words on Facebook,” ~Mark Twain
Just kidding. He didn’t really say that but for realsies, nobody cares. Great blog! I like you!
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I’m pretty sure it was Shakespeare that said all that. I’m quite an expert on misquotes.
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i so appreciate your unquotes, kicks them up a notch
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Exposes the quotes for the frauds they are.
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I shared on Twitter. Couldn’t help myself. I know how bitter this makes you. Sorry!
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How dare you spread my bitter empire!
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Oh my bitter fix for the day. I LOVED these. Abraham Lincoln bitterization is my fave. And true.
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He may be honest, but he wasn’t bitter enough. If he had been more bitter he wouldn’t have become president and he might still be living today.
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Better to be bitter than happy…( you know the one…safe than sorry?). I guess it’s better to be sorry (and bitter) than safe is probably a bitter reversal of wisdom.
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Um…I’m going to go ahead and not hire you as a Quote Bitterizer. Maybe Oprah is hiring a cheesy quote coordinator though.
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My fav:
“It is much easier to be brave if you do not know everything.”
― Lois Lowry
Quote Bitterized: “It is also much easier to be an idiot if you don’t know everything…soo,” Bitter Ben
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It could have been so much better if I had more time and other stupid quotes to work with.
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BEST. POST. ALL. DAY.
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It has also been my worst post of the day. (and only).
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“If you can dream it, you can do it” –Michael Flynne (who?)
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Your quote Bitterized: “If you can dream it, you must be asleep at your desk.”
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Is that bitter enough? How about:
“If you can dream it, someone else has already done it while you were asleep”
Just trying out my bitter self.
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If you can dream it, someone is stepping on your dreams while you sleep. Is that much bitter?
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Much bitter, thank you.
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I bitter be able to do a good Bitterize.
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“There’s nothing more bitter than a sarcastic quote.” – Me, just now.
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“While a great quote, I won’t be putting it on Facebook.”
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“Rome was not built in one day” – Some Roman Dude
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He was probably some lazy construction foreman and Caeser asked him to build it fast and that is probably what he said.
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❤👏👏👏😜😋
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Oh Cripes, I hang my head in Bitter Ben Shame.. I shared a Facebook quote! Bring on the pillows!
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Two thumbs down Ginger! You must do penance by sending me the quote so I can Bitterize it.
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“Because will is personal. We want to impose our will, to force what we want upon a situation. Willing is not in itself wrong. It is just one among the many vibrations or energies that we produce.” Joy Manne … I skip off to sing more Bob Seger tunes..They’ll be ridin’ against the wind…. Against the wind …
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“Opposing my will on others isn’t personal it’s business, show business. Show bitterness.” Bitterized!
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“Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.”
― Abraham Lincoln (also Pollyanna)
Quote Bitterized: “And that is a bad thing?” Bitter Ben
This one is my personal favorite.
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I’m okay with Lincoln quoting it, but Pollyana? I can’t stand that always happy chick.
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I love the bitter quotes. You should do that to Shnodgrate’s proverbs.
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What is Shnodgrate’s proverbs?
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V. Shnodgrate writes proverbs for my blog. If you’re interested I could tell you more, but it would probably make you bitter. (Thought it would be neat to see you destroy his proverbs.)
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Send me a proverb and I will see if I can Bitterize. It will be a challenge to try to do proverbs instead of quotes, but I am up to the challenge…if I’m not in napping mode.
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Awesome! Would you like me to reply with one here, or send an email with a couple?
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Just send a couple here and I will see what I can do with them.
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Okay then! Shnodgrate’s proverbs (3 of them.):
(1) If, at any point, the road ahead looks clear, then you must readjust your glasses.
(2) If intellect makes a person, then the world is short on people.
(3) Sunglasses block the sun out, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
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I will be bitterizing them over on Twitter.
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