Bitter Ben Kryptonite

For me, Kryptonite makes me eyes bug out and makes me say things like "Fantastic".

For me, Kryptonite makes my eyes bug out and causes me to say things like “Fantastic”.

As a 16/7 user of WordPress, I not only blog, but I spy on read other people’s blogs, whenever I am not writing or thinking about writing things about bitterness.   I used to go to websites like ESPN and IGN.com, but ever since being on WordPress, I don’t go to them much anymore. If WordPress gets more money for every minute people are on their site, they should be making at least a thousand dollars by now.   In my observations of other blogs, I have noticed a small number of blogs about people being how shall we call it, nice.  In fact, there are certain readers/followers of mine who are trying to convert me into being the opposite flavor, sweet.   I laugh in their bitter direction.  Though I am not talented in any other way, I have a strong ability to be bitter.  In fact, you could call me the Superman of Bitterness.  Or you can just let me call myself that.  Whatever makes you most bitter.  However, just like Superman I have a weakness.  Let’s call it my Bitternyte.

Best way to chop an onion?  Don't have them in anything you eat.  Put them in the garbage and let mice eat them and cry.

Best way to chop an onion? Don’t have them in anything you eat. Put them in the garbage and let mice eat them and cry.

What makes me weak in my bitter heart is onions.  Why is it that every sub sandwich, or hamburger at McDonald’s or casserole that I am forcefed has onions?  I mean really, how is it that people continue to eat a (fruit? vegatable? dairy? What is an onion?) thing that makes you cry when you cut it?  Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t it be the onion that is crying when it gets cut?  I just don’t understand the texture, the flavor, or the bad breath it leaves behind.  They make me spit every time I taste one.  Whatever you do, don’t stick one of those things in my hamburger or I will go weak in the knees and confess that I am really a nice guy.  Are you freaking kidding me?  You think onions are my weakness?  You are more gullible than I thought!

Fans may look innocent with their "cool" appearence, but they really just want to send you to your doom.

Fans may look innocent with their “cool” appearence, but they really just want to send you to your doom.

Actually, it is fans.  They are sneaky little things.  People think fans are awesome especially at this time of year, because they keep everything from rooms to cars to video games to TV’s to computers cool, so electronics and humans don’t overheat.  But have you watched a movie lately?  Whenever a bad guy is on a plane they always seem to get sucked into a fan.  And the fan doesn’t even care afterwards.  They just keep moving.  In fact, when you turn a fan off, it doesn’t immediately obey.  It will stop…eventually, but slowly and on its own time.  And don’t get me started on fans of celebrities.  Have you seen Justin Beiber fans?  They would still love him even if he broke into their house, stole all their Beiber posters and ripped them up right in their faces.  They are crazy.  But, really, you thinks fans are my Kryptonite?  You are as crazy as a Beiber Fan.

Mt. Rainier.  So majestic, so innocent, so peaceful, so ready to release its destructive lava upon your village.

Mt. Rainier. So majestic, so innocent, so peaceful, so ready to release its destructive lava upon your village.

Okay, fine I will tell you my Kryptonite.  It is really mountains.  They are deceitfully majestic, especially when snow capped.  There is a mountain near Seattle called Mt. Rainier.  It is pretty far from me, about 50 miles or so (cause I have been there never) and on a clear day you can see it from my house.  In fact, it is one of the only things you can see from space besides Disney World when you are on the moon(not a fact).   The problem is that there are no clear days when living in Seattle, so you can never see it.  So if you are an ambitious, (which I am not) you can endevor to climb it.  Did you know that if you get close enough to a mountain you will realize that they are just made up of rocks and dirt and snow?  Freakin deceitful jerks!  Also if you climb them, you start to choke from lack of air.  And some of them even store lava in them and unleash the lava on unsuspecting climbers pretty much whenever they feel like it.  And if you jump off one of its cliffs, you will also meet your demise.  Mountains are the venus fly traps of rock formations.  Also just big jerks.  And not my kryptonite.

So you are probably wondering what my weakness is, the thing that makes me not bitter.  And you probably thought that I was going to tell you.  Ha, Wrong!  Have a bitter day, people.

Arrrrgggghhhh

Bitter Kryponite Ben

Actually my Kryponite is….(shoot I ran out of ink!)

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59 thoughts on “Bitter Ben Kryptonite

  1. “Shouldn’t it be the onion that cries when you cut it?” — I hate onions with all of my being, and this my bitter friend, made me laugh! I know you hate the “lol”, but that deserved it, so here it is…LOL!!! Awesome post 🙂

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  2. You finally went and did it Ben, you made me bitter. Just when you were going to clue us in on what your Kryptonite was you ran out of ink. I hope you trip on your Bitter Ben cape.

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  3. Weird. I was snacking on raw onions after my morning mountain hike. Feeling great.

    Is your true kryptonite hidden within this blog? I feel like it is. Wish I kept that cereal box decoder from 1986.

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  4. That was hugely entertaining. Way to lead your readers one and then laugh in their face in the end as you do not tell them what your kryptonite is. Which is a good thing, really. A good villain never shows his weakness.

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  5. hmmmm.. I like guessing games. Weaknes… I know you said you have kids.. I am sure there are FEW moments of weakness, when they aren’t sick/crying/screaming/fighting where a split second of weakness may arise.. what about sleeping? what is bitter in sleeping? As for the rest of the world, I can totally understand.

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  6. I’ll tell you my Kryptonite. It’s having to stick my hand in the sink drain and get out some nasty glob of mucousy food that’s been festering in there for days and is now unidentifiable and gray. I’d rather just use the hose outside to do dishes. Or better yet, just eat out every meal. Hey..that gives me an idea!

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  7. I have to say that I am equally bitter about the ‘onion factor.’ Why the need to impose them on others and assume they like them or tolerate them? Stop the madness.

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  8. Mountains are made up of rocks ..perhaps you thought it was made up of chocolate with fresh cream..I will tell you why we got onions into everything and why do we cry..or rather it makes us cry..leaving an odor..unbearable ..you see an anion is like the earth..it got layers..it teaches us how it got “just” layers and nothing inside..so it is a bit disappointing..just like life..so it makes us cry..but since majority can not think so deep..it makes them cry anyway..like too dumb to understand the real meaning..bla bla..now come to the fan part..fan has multi -function, it can circulate air, exhaust it and blow up papers..and about your revelation..you have nothing to reveal..so you just wrote that to cover it up ..Arrrrgggghhhh

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  9. Your weakness is nice people, they make you uncomfortable. lol. I am nice, unless there is something for me to be bitter about. Like target being out of the conditioner I want for like 2 weeks now. That makes me bitter. And that I am not home in my bed, sleeping. 🙂

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