A farmer spent all day plowing his field to carve out these words, so a guy could fly in an airplane to take a picture, so a website could post a photo, that I just right clicked on, just so I could express how I “Don’t Care”. All their work was in vain.
You know when Hallmark says when you can’t think of the words to say, express it through a Hallmark card? Well, Hallmark hasn’t done any bitter cards yet, and I haven’t invented my line of Bitter Cards yet, so I decided to have someone who works on a farm and another person who take pictures from space collaborate to take this Bittermark photo to express how I feel today and how I feel about people. Who knew that two little words could sum me up so eloquently? In fact, I think there may be only two words that could have replaced these two in a better way. In fact, I bet most of my regular readers could easily predict what those two are, but I “Don’t Care”. I’ve made you wait long enough. The winner of the two words that express my feelings all the time are, “So Bitter”. Totally tricked you. You had no idea.
I’ve only been at work for 10 minutes….Already….
Sitting upright is so much work sometimes. Standing to take a shower for 10 minutes is so exhausting. Typing a blog post on a computer to teach people how to be bitter is so mind numbing sometimes. Trying to hold your head straight up while carrying the extra weight of beard hairs on your face is so tiring. Moving your arm to put shaving cream on your hand, then putting that shaving cream on your face, then grabbing a razor to remove all the shaving cream from your face is not only exhausting, but kind of pointless and quite frankly dangerous. Why do I put the shaving cream on my face, only to remove it with a moment later, except with more blood. Who invented this way of removing a few hairs from your face so you can look good for another person? Clearly someone enjoyed seeing other people bleed.
After you my Jedi.
If there was ever a superpower for the bitter and lazy it is telekenesis. According to Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben, or some other person, “With great power, comes great responsibilty.” I don’t know why he would say that having the power of a spider is a great thing. In fact, most people I know are afraid of spiders because of lots of eyes or webs always getting in their faces or too much hair on their legs(by the way, I know lots of people that don’t mind hair on their own legs, so I don’t know why a spider’s hairy legs would freak them out). Back to the point. I would use this power to responsibly mess with other people. Accidently cause them to trip, a door to shut on them prematurely, a power line to fall on their car in a “storm”. My favorite use of the power would be to move Tuesday from the calendar, and other days that annoyed me. So…every day.
I hope that these pictures felt like an utter waste of your time. Unfortunately, you don’t have the power of telekenisis like me, so you can’t move this post from your brain. At least you have something to be bitter about, seeing that Tuesday is only 6 days away.
Arrrghhhh
Bitter Lazy Telekenetic Apathetic Ben
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First Bitter Ben Card: So it’s your Birthday…welcome to bitterness because WHO
CARES!
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That is probably my second card. The first will be the one that I come up with.
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Yeah…good luck with that…
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There is no luck with me, just failure.
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I think that first picture was of Missouri.
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Or as you like to call it Misery.
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I love the last one. You need to do this sometime just to make people bitter that you are acting like a doofus.
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I need to do that one to make people know that I can move doors and they shouldn’t mess with me.
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better bitterness through ben
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That’s pretty much my motto. I make bitter better.
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I am laughing to hard to be bitter, I’m sorry Ben.
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Either way, I am bitter, so do what you must.
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Oh yes, those pics certainly DID do the work. You might be too bitter to work, I’m not sure. Smirk! I laughed hard at the farmer’s carve-out. Needed a dry, bitter laugh here after a morning of the absolute worst EVER bitter yard work!
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Yard work is another thing that makes me bitter, but you already know that.
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Ha ha. Now if only those pictures could do MY work! 😉
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I think we definitely need the pictures to start doing work, because I am sure not going to do any.
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The Jedi is awesome. I don’t think you should remove Tuesday from the calendar because Sheryl Crow is in love w/ Tuesday Night Social Club, as well as “drinking beer at noon on a Tuesday,” and she’s already met her quota of bitter (cancer, Lance Armstrong, Kid Rock duets), so that would put her on bitter overload.
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I’m not really worried about Sheryl Crow though. She can use her money to comfort her. I don’t even have that.
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Omg…you should totally do a line of bitter cards!!!! You are full of the good ideas…
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That is on my list of things. Though I think that the market is quite saturated by those someecards and all the imposter ones you see on Pinterest, Facebook and other people’s blogs.
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I can illustrate the Hallmark line of cards for you. 🙂
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That would give me bitterness. You know how to illustrate? I am really good at coming up with ideas and then making other people do work. If you are down with it, I think that would be cool.
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I am good at working and multi-tasking, but obviously, I’d get a nice chunk of the profits. 🙂 I’m handy with creative stuff, and computer stuff.
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I assume by nice chunk, you mean, I get 99 you get 1 percent right? Then it is a deal. Now get to work illustrating and I will start writing.
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:O but I don’t know what we are doing!
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I am writing bitter sayings, then you are illustrating them. Then I sell them and get 100% of the profits like we discussed!
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Hmmm, I thought I got at least 1%. let’s call it 30% and go with that. I need to know what I am illustrating though. What’s the first idea? 🙂
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Uh, I don’t know yet. I haven’t even thought of it. I need to go through my backlog of blogs and find the most bitter things I have ever said and use those.
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k, well let me know. Then I will get to work.
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Are your bosses back this week? Are you going to be forced to work on work today?
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Yes, lol. they are back, but I sneak on when they are gone for a little bit.
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I try to ignore work whenever possible, but someone keeps coming over and telling me to get to work. I’m trying to ignore them right now.
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I’m trying to eat lunch. It’s been a busy morning. I usually get to hang around and listen to music.
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I get to listen to music but mostly so low that I can barely hear it.
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I’m lucky, I get to listen to it at a nice volume, and sing to it, and pop on here and reddit throughout the day. 🙂
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So are you an Admin? I’m trying to apply for stuff like that. Is your place of business looking for a bitter person to do stuff?
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We are a Mortgage Broker, So I help process mortgage and refinance loans, and do all the executive assistant stuff. I pretty much do it all. 🙂 Sure, if you want to come work in MN I’m sure there is something you could do.
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I actually grew up in SD, but I would cross the border illegally into MN. Are you the City of Twins? We always loved going to all the malls growing up. Then after I was in college and all that the MOA got built and I’ve been there a few times. My wife was so overwhelmed she didn’t know what to do. She is one store 30 minutes to an hour type.
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I’m sick of the Mall of America, IDK why it’s such a bug deal to people. If I know what size I am at a store, I will buy it online and avoid all the dummies who kindly stand in the way. I like MN, but I wouldn’t mind Nevada, Colorado, or New Mexico, and pull some Breaking Bad stuff.
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It’s a pretty big deal to people who have never been or people from small towns who only have a Quikimart, but after going there a few times you realize it is just another mall. Have you been to Nevada besides Vegas? It is a bitter wasteland. My sister and her family live there is I’m pretty sure there is more meth there than is in Breaking Bad.
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I have never been to Nevada at all. I am going next year for the first time, because that is where we are getting married. In the middle of the desert. That makes sense, I guess I take how big the twin cities are, for granted.
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Are you going to cook up meth before your wedding or after?
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Lol, during, I thought that that would make it more memorable. 🙂
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I’m pretty sure you would forget everything if you did it during.
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I wouldn’t use the meth, lol, just make it, sell it, then be rich. I’m excited, it better be fun. I don’t gamble, so I will pretty much be laying in the sun. Plus, I don’t like big crowds. But traditional weddings are kind of a drag, and stressful.
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I don’t gamble either or drink so when me an my friends went there it was a freakin borefest, except for the times where we sat and talked and laughed our heads off.
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I want to eat good food and get tan. 🙂
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You don’t need to go to Vegas for those things. But not a bad place for it either.
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Well we do want the desert for our wedding, and we don’t have one of those in MN
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There is the Sahara or the Gobi too. Just saying.
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That is true, but I would like to say that I have been to Vegas at least once, and my soon to be in-laws have a time share there all set up for the wedding. 🙂
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Timeshares are nice in Gobi and Sahara too, but not near as many casinos.
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It may be worth checking out. I’d say thanks, but I know how niceness bothers you. 🙂
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If you say thanks a lot sarcastically and with a lot of attitude that works pretty well.
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Thanks a lot, jerk. 🙂
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Much bitter.
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Why do I feel so guilty for smiling when I read your blog? You go to all this trouble to spread the bitterness around, and all I do is find delight in what you say. If THAT doesn’t make you bitter, you’re in a real pickle (and not necessarily of the bitter variety).
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But you see no matter if you smile and laugh, or frown and be angry and bitter, either way I win, because either one makes me bitter.
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Whenever i mash a spider up with a shoe, i ask the smeared remains, “Were your spider senses tingling?” You’d think that with eight eyes, one of them might have seen me pick up the shoe.
btw, your farmer was evidently too lazy or too bitter to include the apostrophe in DONT. So difficult to keep perfect grammar with a tractor. Not that i care,of course.
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That farmer guy needs to get back out on that farm and fix it. It is making my blog look bad and there is nothing that makes me more bitter.
I don’t understand why spider are so easy to kill but flies and bees are so difficult. Maybe because they have capes like Superman.
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if I wasn’t so bitter about the fact that your bitter blog is bitterly better than my non bitter blog I would say something like ‘I love your bitter blog’ but i’m too bitter to say something unbitter so i’m better off keeping my bitter to myself…or something equally as bitter
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Maybe the problem is that you aren’t bitter enough on your non bitter blog. My problem is that people make me bitter and all these people following it makes me uncomfortable and take all my time away from napping. I just want to bitter blog in peace.
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Humorous to say the least!
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I will of course take all the credit even though the pictures did all the work.
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