I’m sure there are multiple thousands of people blogging about how great their fathers are today. There may even be non bloggers that are doing tributes today. Not sure why, but around this time of the year when people graduate they start thinking of their dads. Maybe because their dads paid for their high school or something? Who knows. Anyways, I am going to do a tribute to a special guy in my life. The father of my children. What do my kids have to bitter about when it comes to me? Everything. I am a bad father.
Let me list the ways. I am a murderer. Anytime my kids get scared of bees, spiders, or flies I kill them. I am a warm blooded killer of cold blooded creatures.
I am THE bad guy. My kids do a lot of imaginary games. Yesterday they played on our mini waterslide and they needed someone to play a bad guy. Guess who volunteered? (It was me.) I shot them mercilessly in the back, head and guts. I used cheap shots when they weren’t paying attention and even faked death in order to fill my gun full of water in order destroy them when they didn’t suspect it. Let’s just say that the villain won this time. They should have been more vigilant.
I am the destroyer of fun in our house. You want to stay up until midnight? Nope. I shut that down. You want run around barefoot on a roadful of glass? Sorry, not if you want to live in my house. You want to get a driver’s license at the age of 5? Sorry. I’m not letting you get one until you are 16 and learn how to drive. You want to eat candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner? For two meals maybe, but for three? Not happening. I have no mercy when it comes that stuff. Deal with it little kids.
When it comes to friends I don’t allow them. No kids can be my kids friends that teach them how to spit, or carry flamethrowers around, or that steal cars. They curse my incredibly high standards!
I am a merciless enforcer. I make my kids go to school. I make them do homework, and assignments and take tests at school. In fact I only give them two days per week off and only 16 hours per day off of school. And don’t expect any more than 2 and a half months off for the summer.
I am an absentee father. Every single day from 9 pm after they go to bed until 4:30 pm when I get home from work, I don’t spend any time with them. In fact, all I do during those times is sleep, work, eat lunch and drive to and from work. It’s about the dollar bills y’all. They feel very neglected in those hours and they better get used to it.
My kids even tried to do something nice for me by trying to do breakfast in bed, but I completely ruined it by waking up to watching them playing video games. I am the worst.
You know what though? If you want to know how I got to be such a bitter father, blame my dad for all these terrible traits I have. He’s the one that taught me all these things. Bitter Father’s Day, Dad!
Arrrghhhh
Bitter Father’s Ben
Hahahahaha! Oh Benny boy! You’re a great dad and YOU BITTERLY KNOW IT!!!!
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I had to push the post comment four times to post!!!!! YOU did that on purpose!!!! 😛
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Of course I did that on purpose. It’s pretty much how I made Glitter Girl more bitter.
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Glitter power activate!!
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Form of….Glitter Bomb!
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I know I’m a bitter father. And I’m teaching the young ones just how to be bitter students in my place. I haven’t asked, but I pretty much expect my daughter to take over this blog when I get too old to type.
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You better be careful with a post like this. I am beginning to think you are not so bitter.
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I’m pretty bitter that Father’s day comes in second place to Mother’s day, by a long shot.
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I am a warm blooded killer of cold blooded creatures.
Aww, my parents are like that, too! I guess you could call me an accessory to insect murder, or the instigator or enabler or whatever. What with my irresistible “I’m scared, Daddy!” face…though I always make sure not to be a witness to said crimes, by hiding in my room until it’s over. So, y’know, if the insect police ever suspect them for the death of a particular bee, I can say I didn’t see them do it. Maybe it was that suspicious-looking bird that keeps lurking around our windows…it must’ve somehow unlocked the door and got in and killed the bee and then got out and re-locked the door. Uh huh.
Also, sorry to rain on your bitterness, but you sound like an awesome “bad guy” in your kids’ games. I mean, you don’t just play nice and easy and let them get the best shots…you make them work for their victory! Isn’t it so much more fun to reach hero-dom all soaked to the bone, covered in mud and grass stains, too exhausted to hi-five your hero partner (if he/she even made it that far), in need of a band-aid or two and a hug from Mommy to cope with the PTSD (because you’re sure to have flashbacks to those harrowing water-gun ambushes for the rest of the day…)?
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In my bitter outrage I ended up killing them in the game. So there is no redemption for them as they were dead by water gun related injuries.
I have been arrested by the bug police and was screwed by bug prosecutor lawyer so I was sentenced for life in Bug jail. This is being written from my bug jail cell.
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Oh dear. Maybe that bird could come in handy now…
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Birds aren’t effective against a bug killer like myself.
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I mean to eat the insect wardens and break you out of insect jail.
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I’m bitter because I was a little slow and didn’t catch that. The bitter bird can eat the bitter insect warden.
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That’s ok, some days I’m a little slow on the uptake, too.
And I imagine the bitter insect warden will taste…sugary sweet and very pleasant! Haha, that was a bitter psych-out, wasn’t it?
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I only get slower as the week goes on. Tuesday is the worst, so expect a glacial bitterness to creep in tomorrow.
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I was wondering about that odd bitter feeling that kept creeping upon me throughout the day…
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That is called Tuesday…you made it through…now you have to make it through Weirdo Wednesday.
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*bitterly steels self against the approaching Weirdness*
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Now you are in the midst of it. Weird, huh?
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Ok, now which of us is going to get the last bitter word? 😉
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You will bitterly.
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So very bitterly.
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Pingback: Bitter Loyalty | Ben's Bitter Blog
I love this!
Also, I just realised your background is the decepticons logo hahahaha you really are one of the bad guys!
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Actually I am not a bad guy. I am bad robot.
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You are quite the fun killer not letting your children run around barefoot on glass, geez…
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I won’t even let them get tatooes until they are 9.
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Wishing you all the father’s day bitterness you can handle!
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I couldn’t handle any. I ate my bitter candy bars and my bitter breakfast in bed.
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Happy Father’s Day! If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you don’t need a male influence to become bitter, so don’t be so hard on yourself.
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Thanks. I know you don’t have a good feeling about your father, so I was worried how you would take this. Now I don’t need to worry. You’re bitter without the male influence and that is such a big relief for me.
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You have got to go read 23thorns. You Gus are two peas in a pod. Hilarious!
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What might 23thorns be? Are they another bitter blog?
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http://23thorns.com/2013/06/17/50-the-tokolosh/
See for yourself, grumpy pants!
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I am so bitter that you made me click on this oddly familiar blog. I, however, will claim to have made my first even if I am not sure who was.
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You are so bitter you can’t make sense! But that’s okay, as long as you laugh bitterly!
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I’ve never claimed to make sense. Only bitter.
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Do you by any chance brew bitter beer?
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Nope. Actually don’t drink. Just eat bitter foods.
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Best bitter dad ever. Happy Father’s Day!
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Probably the only bitter dad in the history of dads, so the most bitter anyways.
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Happy Father’s Day! If it makes you feel any better, my Dad shuts down the fun in our house too. Must be a Dad thing…
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I don’t feel any bitter. Fun around the house makes me bitter.
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Happy Fathers’ day Ben! Everytime i read your posts, i burst out laughing. Thanks for making my Monday a bit more cheery.
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What the crack? It is freakin Sunday night! Stop fast forwarding into the future.
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haha, it is MONDAY in Singapore, Bitter Ben!
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Yes, now it is Monday. Now I know what you are talking about being so miserable.
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haha, yes. especially if you work in an environment that promotes bad gossip and have idiots running the management.
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Yes I have all that plus more.
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I’m sure your children LOVE their Awesome Bitter Dad and wouldn’t want any other Dad in the world. HFD! 🙂
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When they get old enough they will understand how bitter they should be about me.
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Absolutely! I’m told it happens when they morph into parents themselves.
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Then they will wish they listened to my bitter advice when they were younger.
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You big softie. Playing water guns. Really. Do you know how many dad’s wouldn’t ever do that? Or who don’t set rules or make them do their homework? I nominate you the Best Bitter Blogging Dad of bloggers that are bitter.
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How dare you call someone soft who kills stuff. You have some nerve calling me not hardcore.
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HAHAHA, saving your screaming little children from the terror of little beasties is SOFT!
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I wasn’t saving them from beasties, I was terrorizing the insects. There is a big difference.
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HAHAHAHA! I bet you were! I oh-so-gently encourage little spiders into a cup them set them free in my garden. Yes my halo gets brighter every day. You adore those kids, it’s evident in every word, OSCAR!
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How could you let them live? All they do is kill flies for us.
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How small minded! Not just flies! They feast on every little mobile critter they can get their hands on. When the critter apocalypse starts, me and my gang of spidy friends will be laughing it up while you are over run.
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I will be bitterly angry as I am getting destroyed by you and your minions. I will probably blog about it the next day too.
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Yikes, my hairy legs are shaking in my boots. One does not want to be on the bitter end of the Bitter Blog. So I shall put on my bitter cap, as all good Benbitterarians should, wish you a bitter good night, bitterly hoping that the bedbugs bite without the good old spiders to keep them at bay…. 🙂
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That’s right. Don’t mess with the bitterness. You think I am bad in life, just wait until I am a bitter ghost. Now go out there and read more of my posts or I will be bitter-errer.
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I am actually going to put you in a post of mine and it should ping back. I am bitter about something. Actually, two somethings. Yes, don’t fall off your chair. You can read the post on the pingback. And I read all your stuff! You are sometimes a bitter pill to swallow, but funny as all get out. I wonder what you are really like in person!
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You would be shocked about what I was like in real life. Let’s just say my job has a lot to do with my bitterness, and my lazy attitude toward getting a new job to replace it. I really want to be a writer, but the kind that gets paid to enough to support a family.
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I hear you on that. My husband’s job is terrible. He’s a DBA, and can work up to 100 hours a week or more. When he is on call, he may get an hour of sleep uninterrupted a day for the whole week. Salary sucks, there is no protection for workers. It is frustrating to want to do something you love and cant for financial reasons. I do envy people a little who do what they love. But they are brave, driven and get a break somewhere in the course of their journey.
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DBA – data base administration? I thought they made good money. Guess not. I pretty sure I make less though. Anyways, working a 100 hours a week sounds miserable. I can barely do 40 without breaking out into bitter hives.
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Data Base Architect. He designs and maintains 2000 databases, some as large as a terabyte. Microsoft has told his company that they need 40 DBA’s to manage what he and 4 others do. Yes, he makes good money, but when one factors in the sometimes 18 hours or more a day, it is pitiful for hourly. I am bitter over his job. There, I said it. Now I have three. Soon you will make me sarcastic and cynical! GRR..
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You’re not sarcastic and cynical yet? What is wrong with you? You need to try harder.
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Got one coming out with your blog in it! It’s a doozy of bitterness.
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I can’t wait to see your bitterness finally come to the surface. I assume that I was your bitter inspiration.
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I wrote it and referenced you. Did you get the pingback?
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No pingback yet. So bitter. Maybe later…?
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Do you kill computers or other electronic stuff with your negative electromagnetic charge? Just wondering, I believe in it!
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I kill lots of things like happiness, civility and spiders. and possibly computers.
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Oh, the Darth Vader poster…hysterics. Happy Father’s Day anyway!
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The Luke and Leia twins, otherwise known as my kids, didn’t even get me that card. So bitter….
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HAH! Awwww, they love you though. (Oh, I see I can’t type – the typo in my previous comment…bitter about that….)
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They don’t know any better yet. When they get older they will realize how evil and bitter their father is.
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Muwhahaha, Darth II.
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Happy Father’s Day BB. You are the Best Bitter Father in the world. I hope the father of your children felt appreciated today. You know, in a bitter kind of way.
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The father of my children is a pretty bitter guy. He wanted a paper tie for Father’s Day and got a real one instead.
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Very well written my bitter blogging friend.
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BBFF’s! Bitter Blogging Friends Forever.
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Move over Arnie, here comes bitter Ben. At least you know who the mother(s) of your kid(s) happens to be.
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Is Arnie your dad? I am hitting a sensitive area? Seems like I am for a lot of people.
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Nope. I wasn’t offended. I was thinking of the guy who played Terminator and fathered a child with the family maid.
My dad worked 2 jobs and my mother ended up being the disciplinarian in the family. She’s the one who should have had the father’s day card. 🙂
Hope you had a great father’s day. It sounds like you’re a terrific dad.
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Darn, I was hoping you were offended. I was called a sexist yesterday on Twitter by someone I don’t know. And I forgot that some people don’t really have a good feeling about fathers. Kinda sucks and just another reason why I am bitter.
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There’s always someone out there with skin as thin as flaky pastry. Be a better bitter Ben, bearing the best balance of bitter, but Bitterer Ben begets bad balance. Try saying THAT fast.
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I can’t even say my name 5 times fast. Like I am going to repeat some tongue twister. In fact, I will probably do a tongue twister bitter post someday…when I feel like it.
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Sounds like a deliciously bitter plan! I’m looking forward to reading it. I may have to scrape a few spider webs off while I wait but….
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Back to the feminist, it was pretty funny to hear how bitter she was about her life that she had to take it out on me. It was also funny how she bragged about it to her twitter followers about how she totally got one over on me and that she was from Seattle and I might actually run into her someday…
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I know how to make her even more bitter. I subscribed to Ms. Magazine when it was started by Gloria Steinem. Somewhere in my attic is a copy of the first edition. If I cared enough to look for it I might sell it to her for 6 times what it’s worth.
Equality isn’t the same as being equally good at everything. The thing is that raising children to be critical thinkers is more important than funding wars. Once every country in the world understands that, there will be true equality. I don’t consider putting women into combat the answer to sexism.
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It’s sad because she is a reverse sexist who hates men. Revenge on her isn’t worth it because it would be too easy. She’s got to many buttons to push.
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Congratz on being one of the good and alive dads of the world! Water guns are much easier to use on the living….
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I guess it doesn’t take much to be a good dad these days. I feel bad that most people don’t have that.
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Your blog was very much on my mind these past couple of days. I hate fathers day and over here we tend to say pox and poxy for things we don’t like. So Poxy Fathers Day to you!I was thinking of starting a Poxy Blog I felt so Pox.
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I figured there would be a lot of backlash on the old Father’s day. I guess I’m pretty lucky to have a good dad and to be a good one.
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You have a lot to be bitter about, but since my father isn’t celebrating F-Day from the bitter heavens above, I’m a whole lot more bitter. The only thing that makes me less bitter is that he went to bitter heaven many years ago now and it only hurts when I think about him.
🙂
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We all have something to be bitter about. Let it all out. That is what this blog is all about. A way to be bitter about everything.
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Thanks you much for the fine article of wich much information I have been needing is inside of. I will be sure to pay much visits and atention to all future articles of such good information. Keep up with the good hard work. And speaking of hard, I have for selling some magic pills that will make you like a tree in your soft areas. Only fifty glabotniks for a bottle that will give you much happy pants for a long time.
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Sounds like you are selling a nice pill of which can solve all my problems. I want the cure to all those things except the bitterness. That I want to keep.
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I would never claim to cure bitterness… indeed the pill itself is said to have a bitter flavor.
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So a bitter pill?
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A bitter pill to swallow.
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You are sick and twisted and evil and funny! Best bad Dad I’ve ever heared about!
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Bad dad to the max. Someday my son will follow in my bitter steps just like I followed in my father’s.
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This was perfect friend. PERFECT!
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Nothing perfect about my bitterness.
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