I’m sure there are multiple thousands of people blogging about how great their fathers are today. There may even be non bloggers that are doing tributes today. Not sure why, but around this time of the year when people graduate they start thinking of their dads. Maybe because their dads paid for their high school or something? Who knows. Anyways, I am going to do a tribute to a special guy in my life. The father of my children. What do my kids have to bitter about when it comes to me? Everything. I am a bad father.
Let me list the ways. I am a murderer. Anytime my kids get scared of bees, spiders, or flies I kill them. I am a warm blooded killer of cold blooded creatures.
I am THE bad guy. My kids do a lot of imaginary games. Yesterday they played on our mini waterslide and they needed someone to play a bad guy. Guess who volunteered? (It was me.) I shot them mercilessly in the back, head and guts. I used cheap shots when they weren’t paying attention and even faked death in order to fill my gun full of water in order destroy them when they didn’t suspect it. Let’s just say that the villain won this time. They should have been more vigilant.
I am the destroyer of fun in our house. You want to stay up until midnight? Nope. I shut that down. You want run around barefoot on a roadful of glass? Sorry, not if you want to live in my house. You want to get a driver’s license at the age of 5? Sorry. I’m not letting you get one until you are 16 and learn how to drive. You want to eat candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner? For two meals maybe, but for three? Not happening. I have no mercy when it comes that stuff. Deal with it little kids.
When it comes to friends I don’t allow them. No kids can be my kids friends that teach them how to spit, or carry flamethrowers around, or that steal cars. They curse my incredibly high standards!
I am a merciless enforcer. I make my kids go to school. I make them do homework, and assignments and take tests at school. In fact I only give them two days per week off and only 16 hours per day off of school. And don’t expect any more than 2 and a half months off for the summer.
I am an absentee father. Every single day from 9 pm after they go to bed until 4:30 pm when I get home from work, I don’t spend any time with them. In fact, all I do during those times is sleep, work, eat lunch and drive to and from work. It’s about the dollar bills y’all. They feel very neglected in those hours and they better get used to it.
My kids even tried to do something nice for me by trying to do breakfast in bed, but I completely ruined it by waking up to watching them playing video games. I am the worst.
You know what though? If you want to know how I got to be such a bitter father, blame my dad for all these terrible traits I have. He’s the one that taught me all these things. Bitter Father’s Day, Dad!
Bitter Father’s Ben