Father’s Day Bitterness…for me

How my kids look at me every Father's Day.

How my kids look at me every Father’s Day.

I’m sure there are multiple thousands of people blogging about how great their fathers are today.  There may even be non bloggers that are doing tributes today. Not sure why, but around this time of the year when people graduate they start thinking of their dads.  Maybe because their dads paid for their high school or something? Who knows.  Anyways, I am going to do a tribute to a special guy in my life.  The father of my children.  What do my kids have to bitter about when it comes to me?  Everything. I am a bad father.

Let me list the ways.  I am a murderer.  Anytime my kids get scared of bees, spiders, or flies I kill them.  I am a warm blooded killer of cold blooded creatures.

Once I even played Darth Vader to their Luke and Princess Leia.  I was a little too good at it.

Once I even played Darth Vader to their Luke and Princess Leia. I was a little too good at it.

I am THE  bad guy.  My kids do a lot of imaginary games.  Yesterday they played on our mini waterslide and they needed someone to play a bad guy.  Guess who volunteered?  (It was me.)  I shot them mercilessly in the back, head and guts.  I used cheap shots when they weren’t paying attention and even faked death in order to fill my gun full of water in order destroy them when they didn’t suspect it.  Let’s just say that the villain won this time. They should have been more vigilant.

I am the destroyer of fun in our house.  You want to stay up until midnight?  Nope. I shut that down. You want run around barefoot on a roadful of glass?  Sorry, not if you want to live in my house.  You want to get a driver’s license at the age of 5?  Sorry.  I’m not letting you get one until you are 16 and learn how to drive.  You want to eat candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner?  For two meals maybe, but for three?  Not happening.  I have no mercy when it comes that stuff.  Deal with it little kids.

This is what I do when you try to have fun in our house.  I destroy it.

This is what I do when you try to have fun in our house. I destroy it.

When it comes to friends I don’t allow them.  No kids can be my kids friends that teach them how to spit, or carry flamethrowers around, or that steal cars. They curse my incredibly high standards!

I am a merciless enforcer. I make my kids go to school.  I make them do homework, and assignments and take tests at school.  In fact I only give them two days per week off and only 16 hours per day off of school.  And don’t expect any more than 2 and a half months off for the summer.

I am an absentee father.  Every single day from 9 pm after they go to bed until 4:30 pm when I get home from work, I don’t spend any time with them.  In fact, all I do during those times is sleep, work, eat lunch and drive to and from work. It’s about the dollar bills y’all.  They feel very neglected in those hours and they better get used to it.

My kids even tried to do something nice for me by trying to do breakfast in bed, but I completely ruined it by waking up to watching them playing video games.  I am the worst.

Kids, you shouldn't have.

Kids, you shouldn’t have.

You know what though?  If you want to know how I got to be such a bitter father, blame my dad for all these terrible traits I have.  He’s the one that taught me all these things.  Bitter Father’s Day, Dad!

Arrrghhhh

Bitter Father’s Ben

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110 thoughts on “Father’s Day Bitterness…for me

  1. I am a warm blooded killer of cold blooded creatures.

    Aww, my parents are like that, too! I guess you could call me an accessory to insect murder, or the instigator or enabler or whatever. What with my irresistible “I’m scared, Daddy!” face…though I always make sure not to be a witness to said crimes, by hiding in my room until it’s over. So, y’know, if the insect police ever suspect them for the death of a particular bee, I can say I didn’t see them do it. Maybe it was that suspicious-looking bird that keeps lurking around our windows…it must’ve somehow unlocked the door and got in and killed the bee and then got out and re-locked the door. Uh huh.

    Also, sorry to rain on your bitterness, but you sound like an awesome “bad guy” in your kids’ games. I mean, you don’t just play nice and easy and let them get the best shots…you make them work for their victory! Isn’t it so much more fun to reach hero-dom all soaked to the bone, covered in mud and grass stains, too exhausted to hi-five your hero partner (if he/she even made it that far), in need of a band-aid or two and a hug from Mommy to cope with the PTSD (because you’re sure to have flashbacks to those harrowing water-gun ambushes for the rest of the day…)?

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  2. Pingback: Bitter Loyalty | Ben's Bitter Blog

    • Thanks. I know you don’t have a good feeling about your father, so I was worried how you would take this. Now I don’t need to worry. You’re bitter without the male influence and that is such a big relief for me.

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  3. You big softie. Playing water guns. Really. Do you know how many dad’s wouldn’t ever do that? Or who don’t set rules or make them do their homework? I nominate you the Best Bitter Blogging Dad of bloggers that are bitter.

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        • HAHAHAHA! I bet you were! I oh-so-gently encourage little spiders into a cup them set them free in my garden. Yes my halo gets brighter every day. You adore those kids, it’s evident in every word, OSCAR!

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        • How small minded! Not just flies! They feast on every little mobile critter they can get their hands on. When the critter apocalypse starts, me and my gang of spidy friends will be laughing it up while you are over run.

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        • Yikes, my hairy legs are shaking in my boots. One does not want to be on the bitter end of the Bitter Blog. So I shall put on my bitter cap, as all good Benbitterarians should, wish you a bitter good night, bitterly hoping that the bedbugs bite without the good old spiders to keep them at bay…. 🙂

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        • That’s right. Don’t mess with the bitterness. You think I am bad in life, just wait until I am a bitter ghost. Now go out there and read more of my posts or I will be bitter-errer.

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        • I am actually going to put you in a post of mine and it should ping back. I am bitter about something. Actually, two somethings. Yes, don’t fall off your chair. You can read the post on the pingback. And I read all your stuff! You are sometimes a bitter pill to swallow, but funny as all get out. I wonder what you are really like in person!

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        • You would be shocked about what I was like in real life. Let’s just say my job has a lot to do with my bitterness, and my lazy attitude toward getting a new job to replace it. I really want to be a writer, but the kind that gets paid to enough to support a family.

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        • I hear you on that. My husband’s job is terrible. He’s a DBA, and can work up to 100 hours a week or more. When he is on call, he may get an hour of sleep uninterrupted a day for the whole week. Salary sucks, there is no protection for workers. It is frustrating to want to do something you love and cant for financial reasons. I do envy people a little who do what they love. But they are brave, driven and get a break somewhere in the course of their journey.

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        • DBA – data base administration? I thought they made good money. Guess not. I pretty sure I make less though. Anyways, working a 100 hours a week sounds miserable. I can barely do 40 without breaking out into bitter hives.

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        • Data Base Architect. He designs and maintains 2000 databases, some as large as a terabyte. Microsoft has told his company that they need 40 DBA’s to manage what he and 4 others do. Yes, he makes good money, but when one factors in the sometimes 18 hours or more a day, it is pitiful for hourly. I am bitter over his job. There, I said it. Now I have three. Soon you will make me sarcastic and cynical! GRR..

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      • Nope. I wasn’t offended. I was thinking of the guy who played Terminator and fathered a child with the family maid.

        My dad worked 2 jobs and my mother ended up being the disciplinarian in the family. She’s the one who should have had the father’s day card. 🙂

        Hope you had a great father’s day. It sounds like you’re a terrific dad.

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        • Darn, I was hoping you were offended. I was called a sexist yesterday on Twitter by someone I don’t know. And I forgot that some people don’t really have a good feeling about fathers. Kinda sucks and just another reason why I am bitter.

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        • There’s always someone out there with skin as thin as flaky pastry. Be a better bitter Ben, bearing the best balance of bitter, but Bitterer Ben begets bad balance. Try saying THAT fast.

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        • I can’t even say my name 5 times fast. Like I am going to repeat some tongue twister. In fact, I will probably do a tongue twister bitter post someday…when I feel like it.

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        • Sounds like a deliciously bitter plan! I’m looking forward to reading it. I may have to scrape a few spider webs off while I wait but….

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        • Back to the feminist, it was pretty funny to hear how bitter she was about her life that she had to take it out on me. It was also funny how she bragged about it to her twitter followers about how she totally got one over on me and that she was from Seattle and I might actually run into her someday…

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        • I know how to make her even more bitter. I subscribed to Ms. Magazine when it was started by Gloria Steinem. Somewhere in my attic is a copy of the first edition. If I cared enough to look for it I might sell it to her for 6 times what it’s worth.

          Equality isn’t the same as being equally good at everything. The thing is that raising children to be critical thinkers is more important than funding wars. Once every country in the world understands that, there will be true equality. I don’t consider putting women into combat the answer to sexism.

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  4. Your blog was very much on my mind these past couple of days. I hate fathers day and over here we tend to say pox and poxy for things we don’t like. So Poxy Fathers Day to you!I was thinking of starting a Poxy Blog I felt so Pox.

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  5. You have a lot to be bitter about, but since my father isn’t celebrating F-Day from the bitter heavens above, I’m a whole lot more bitter. The only thing that makes me less bitter is that he went to bitter heaven many years ago now and it only hurts when I think about him.
    🙂

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  6. Thanks you much for the fine article of wich much information I have been needing is inside of. I will be sure to pay much visits and atention to all future articles of such good information. Keep up with the good hard work. And speaking of hard, I have for selling some magic pills that will make you like a tree in your soft areas. Only fifty glabotniks for a bottle that will give you much happy pants for a long time.

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