Tent Bitterness

This tent is a little cheesy.  Whole-y cow. Is anyone else feeling a little tense?

This tent is a little cheesy. Whole-y cow. Is anyone else feeling a little tense?

Welcome to Shelter 102 in The B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness, Bitterian students!  If you are here, you should have taken the pre-requisite, Shelter 101, Idiots that don’t know anything about Shelter. I hope you all had a dreadfully bitter weekend .  Address any complaints to way overwhelmed TA.  If you did happen to have a good weekend, don’t worry, the worst day of the week, Tuesday, is coming.  So, let’s get started.  By a raise of hands, Who here likes tents? Anyone?  No?  Oh we do have someone here like likes tents.  You sir, big hair gel guy. Why don’t you come up to the front of the class and tell everyone all about your love of tents.

Big haired gel guy who loves tents: I just think ….aaaahhhhhhh…..

Dr(almost, I’m 2-10 credits short). Bitter:  Oh, I’m really sorry about that trap door to the bottomless pit that I accidentally released, Big Haired Gel guy. Next time I won’t put the switch so close to my thumb.  Oh well, I’m sure he can find a tent to give him shelter half way down the bottomless pit. Now, anyone else want to explain about their love of tents? No one? Okay let me start the lecture part of class where I bore you to bitter tears.

My kids decided that they wanted to have an outing and put up the tent so they could sleep outside this weekend.  By outing, they meant the front yard.  By put up the tent they meant, I would put up the tent.  By sleeping outside they meant put their clothes and mattress and sleeping bags outside while they slept comfortably inside.  And by clean up, they meant Bitter Ben cleans up while they play Minecraft.  Thankfully they brought all the mosquitos, flies and bees inside.  I guess they didn’t want to sleep in the tent either.

Tents.  The hairnets of shelter.

Tents. The hairnets of shelter.

Tents are like the hairnets of shelter.  The material of tents are somehow connected enough to be above you in case of weather, but they won’t protect you from it.  It also breathes not at all, and traps heat so that you will feel right at home if you are a resident of Sun.  One time when I was a young camper, we went on a campout with a “waterproof” tent that only allowed a tiny lake in the middle of our tent.  I decided to sleep nearest the side of the tent where the tiny babbling brooke was instead because I was getting my swimming badge the next day.

Now class,  can anyone here tell me about that game that the girls used to play called MASH, where you got to find out your future husband’s name, the kind of dwelling you would have, the job and how many kids you would have?  In the dwelling section, M stood for Mansion, A for Apartment, S for Shack and H for house.  No one remembers that?  Okay you all get F’s.  Why would they not include tents in the dwelling?  Because people would rather live in a shack than a tent, because solid walls. Because tents are made of a material that is less than a millimeter of canvas, held down by stakes and held up by poles.  And don’t even get me started by what separates you and the ground.  Basically your clothes.

Now class, is there kind of tent that would be acceptable?  Yes?

Yeah it looks nice, but just wait until you need to get all the furniture and moved and the floor swept...

Yeah it looks nice, but just wait until you need to get all the furniture and moved and the floor swept…

Slightly evil, too smart for her own good girl in the front:  “There are two kinds.  The Richy Rich double decker mansion tent, or the very similar Harry Potter Wizard tent.  They have all the ammenities of home: the king sized bed, the big screen TV, couches, and the lazy boy recliner.”

Dr. Bitter: “Wrong, slightly evil, too smart for her own good girl.  Any shelter you need to drive somewhere, set up and sweep before you put it away is too much work.  You guys are all going to fail this final.  I would suggest you go home, avoid studying and think less. By the way, the test will be at 2:00 am.  At the TA’s house.”  TA has look of horror on his face as this will wake up not only him but his quadruplets that just get to sleep at 1:30 am.

Well, that sounds like the bell.  Gotta go!


Professor Bitter Ben


66 thoughts on “Tent Bitterness

  1. Pingback: Lazy Saturday Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog

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  3. Professor Bitter! I remember the mash game. His name was Ryan Gos- anyways, those tents back in the day we’re not waterproof. Bears can still year them down too. We need bear proof tents!!


  4. Dr. Bitter thank you so much for creating this correspondens course. Without you I would be dammed to eternal *funnyness* I’m one of the mentioned goofys above who didn’t know anything about shelter.


    • You know what astounds me? All the things that make me bitter. I used to think it was just traffic, work, crappy Seattle weather and rent, but once I started exploring I found a world of things to be bitter about.


    • Well then you won’t be able to qualify for Shelter 103, Intro to Mansions where we explore living the high life for a semester in Hawaii and we explore how we can be bitter about being waited on hand and foot. Have fun in your tent!


  5. Ben,Ben,Ben…I’m with you about camping. I’d rather have somebody poke me in the face with a fork than put myself through that. On that note, a joke:
    “Man goes to the Psychiatrist JOKE”
    Man: Doctor, last night I dreamed I was a TeePee, the night before that, I dreamed I was a WigWam !
    Psychiatrist: I KNOW what your problem is!! YOUR TOO TENSE….
    (Sorry, I may have insulted all NATIVE AMERICANS with that one.)


  6. I like tents if they have certain improvements: (1) windows with screens to keep out the bugs and rain, (2) a full, modern bath with running water so I don’t have to… (you know); central air conditioning in case it gets too hot; (3) a door I can lock to keep out the wildlife. Oh wait — that’s a house, isn’t it? I guess I don’t like tents.
    Actually, my idea of roughing it is staying at a hotel without Room Service.


  7. I slept in a tent in my friend’s backyard once, and after that, that’s as close as I ever need to be to going on a camping trip. Tents are for homeless people and delusional rugged outdoorsman with an irrational interest in survivalism. I like permanent shelters.


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