I have been to some fantastic candy Meccas in the world like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and Candyland. Also, the Jelly Belly Factory in California, Theo’s Chocolate in Seattle, and a place called Hershey, Pennsylvania. What did they all have in common? Boring tours. But besides that, they were all excursions. Theo’s Chocolate was Seattle and is like 30 minutes from my house, but there was traffic and rain. Hershey, Pennsylvania, is right between Pittsburgh, the Steel City, and also Bridge City because of it world record amount of bridges, and Philadelphia, who is famous for booing Santa Claus. In other words, two very bitter cities. In the middle of all this bitterness is a gooey sweet place called Hershey’s Pennsylvania. If it wasn’t for this sweet, tiny little city in the middle of Pennsylvania, the state could have been declared 100% bitter. Thanks a lot Hershey’s! So what else makes me so bitter about Candy?
Candy is sweet. So sweet, in fact that it rots kids teeth. Kids love candy so much that they never want to stop eating it. Have you ever seen a kid with its full set of teeth? I haven’t either. A lot of people would claim that the reason they lose their teeth is because of a natural growing process of losing their baby teeth. That is a bunch of lies perpetuated by the tooth fairy. The truth is that kids eat too much candy and they fall out. They are just lucky that some other tooth underneath grows back.
Candy also tries get its sweet and “innocent” self mixed in with bitterness. Have you ever heard of the word bittersweet? A lot of people that read my blog like to tell me bittersweet is a good thing. I know they are trying to help, but bitter doesn’t want anything to do with sweet. Bitter just wants to be its own independent self and get an apartment in the city. But sweet is always trying to make bitterness stay at home because sweet needs bitter to take care of it. Then bitter is 30 years old and still living at home.
Candy attracts kids. Don’t get me wrong. I like my kids. It’s other people’s kids that I despise. I always wondered why all the neighborhood kids wanted to come to our house. It isn’t like we have a big house or particularly entertaining toys. Our kids are cool I guess, but they also have to deal with at least one bitter parent that doesn’t like them. Then I finally got it. It is the candy in the candy jar that keeps them coming back for more. They can deal with the bitterness as long as they can get in, get some sweet candy and get out. I try to eliminate candy, but for some reason candy and kids just keep coming back.
So my bitter and diabolical plan is to leave candy out in the neighborhood that leads up to my front door where there is a cauldron of hot water waiting to boil them. That will teach them to eat my candy. I just hope it keeps them from coming back.
Arrgghhhh
Bitter Ben
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Pingback: 40 reasons to be Bitter | Ben's Bitter Blog
You are a deeply disturbed individual. I like that in a person.
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Deeply disturbed and bitter about it. I wish I had a heart made of blood and skin not made out of tin, but I can’t be like the rest of you.
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Lol, that’s how I feel about kids in general :)) Hope I feel more maternal when I have my own. Or I may have to lose them in the woods. :p
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It’s different when they are your own. But other kids, they can do whatever I don’t care as long as it is 50 yards from home .
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When I was in highschool, my friends always came to my house. And ate like it was a contest. She was not happy with that. Then we made a potatoe gun. Many a kid was boiled that day. So I understand where you’re coming from.
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Your mom didn’t like that? Sounds like she was very impatient like me.
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When I was pregnant with the Gamer I was worried I wasn’t going to take naturally to mothering — I’ve never considered myself a “kid person”. A wise friend of my mother’s told me I didn’t have to love, or even, like any other child except my own. It was a great relief! …She didn’t address boiling or throwing jaw breakers at other people’s kids. 😉
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Well, now you have been educated even further. It is so much better knowing that you don’t have to worry about other kids or their safety.
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Oh Bitter Ben… 😛
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BOIL ALL THE CHILDREN!!!
*insert creepy torch waving meme here*
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At least all the ones in my neighborhood.
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This is awesome! So refreshing to hear someone, ANYone, say something other than all children are beautiful cherubs to be worshipped. No they’re not. And I’m a parent, so I can say that. SOMEtimes they are, and other times they’re just a pain in the ass. But I’ll always love Charlie’s Angels (even if they are girls) because they had awesome walkie talkies. And a plan. Great post : )
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Kids should just know that they aren’t all that and they need to earn our love. Not just get for free.
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Oh, the sweetness of your delightful post makes me want to leave out some old candy I found in the back of my pantry this past weekend. On second thought, I think I’ll take it to my daughter’s school and give it to the students as a reward. Of course, I fully intend to throw it up in the air during recess so we can see the larger children step all over the smaller ones for old hard candy. The reward will be me seeing kids trying to kill themselves for some horrible hard candy.
And it isn’t hard candy because I wanted to give out hard candy, it is that old candy everyone hates at Halloween yet they still produce it (and now hard because no one eats it). Why do they eat it? Because it sucks. No one eats it except when they are desperate for some hint of a sugar rush. Anyway, thanks for a great post. I didn’t know you lived in Seattle area. We’ll have to get together sometime and think of good ways to torture our children, kind of like a sarcastic group therapy session or a writing group without the crazy old dude who is working on his science fiction novel since 1982.
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I got some people accusing me of stealing this from Hansel and Gretel. Weirdo’s. I totally made it up all by myself.
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I certainly could tell it was an original story. The nerve of some people to accuse you of saying it was from Hansel and Gretel. Maybe they should watch more TV instead of pick apart others.
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Maybe they should just have some candy at a movie theatre that costs $10 a skittle.
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My advice would be to throw jawbreakers. Firstly, they suck. Second, they are dangerous. The kids that don’t choke on them will hurt their teeth and wail. Plus, they will never attain full candy satisfaction. It’s like some cruel, brilliant joke.
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I like the way you think! Jawbreakers are an all in one pain in the butt candy! Word up!
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I think you’re sweeter than you think you are. This blog post was hilarious!
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I have managed to fool another. My diabolical plan is working!
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Lol!!
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i love the guy brushing the tooth.lol i could watch him all day..
you haven’t lived until you make chocolate truffles with bittersweet and semi sweet chocolate!
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I guess that I haven’t lived because the only cookies I eat are from purely bitter chocolate.
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just like i told you, you haven’t lived.
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Are you on diet? *evil grin*
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Heavens no. That would require some effort!
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So what I hear you saying is that you are the witch in Hansel and Gretel except instead of a candy house, it’s arsenic.
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Instead of me being the witch, I am more of an ogre. You must have seen the Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunter Movie.
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OMG ARE YOU SHREK?!?!! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!! I AM SO HAPPY NOW THINKING ABOUT THAT MOVIE! YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY!
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No, Shrek was doing a very bad portrayal of me, sans the ultimate bitterness in how his movies ended.
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I changed all my candy out for fruit in hopes that the crumbsnatchers’ friends would stop coming over but someone keeps bringing melted chocolate and they dip it in that!
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I guess if we have green beans just laying around for the scroungers our house would get less popular.
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What remains unanswered: how did YOU get a golden ticket?
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You remember Charlie? He liked candy and just so happened to be in my neighborhood. He was lead up the street toward the cauldron in the front, got boiled and there on my front lawn, the golden ticket.
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I guess he didn’t have long to be bitter about it. You did him a kindness.
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The kindness had only the bitterest of intentions at heart.
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As a kid I “loved” candy so much I never wanted to eat it, not even under (peer) duress.
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Candy makes us so bitter.
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Also being bitter makes us so bitter. It’s a vicious (or in your case, virtuous?) circle 😛 Enjoy.
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This cycle of bitterness is pretty much one that I started and also one that I will never end.
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Famous for booing Santa Claus? Only if you listen to NFL announcers.
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I listen to hearsay, of rumors of speculation. So yeah, I believe what that one guy said that one time.
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Extra bitter on this Monday? I’m off work today, but I have all three of my spawns with me alone and one of them is sick. There’s a little bit of bittersweet for you.
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There is nothing bitter that would ever want sweet nearby. I wish you luck with your spawns. I should have stayed home sick though.
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Any chance your children go by names…Hansel and Gretel? 🙂
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Nope. The neighborhood kids go by that though.
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