Candy bitterness

Don't they all look so sweet!  Get off my bitter blog!

Don’t they all look so sweet! Get off my bitter blog!

I have been to some fantastic candy Meccas in the world like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and Candyland.  Also, the Jelly Belly Factory in California, Theo’s Chocolate in Seattle, and a place called Hershey, Pennsylvania. What did they all have in common? Boring tours.  But besides that, they were all excursions.  Theo’s Chocolate was Seattle and is like 30 minutes from my house, but there was traffic and rain.  Hershey, Pennsylvania, is right between Pittsburgh, the Steel City, and also Bridge City because of it world record amount of bridges, and Philadelphia, who is famous for booing Santa Claus.  In other words, two very bitter cities.   In the middle of all this bitterness is a gooey sweet place called Hershey’s Pennsylvania.  If it wasn’t for this sweet, tiny little city in the middle of Pennsylvania, the state could have been declared 100% bitter.  Thanks a lot Hershey’s! So what else makes me so bitter about Candy?

Candy is sweet.  So sweet, in fact that it rots kids teeth.  Kids love candy so much that they never want to stop eating it.  Have you ever seen a kid with its full set of teeth? I haven’t either.  A lot of people would claim that the reason they lose their teeth is because of a natural growing process of losing their baby teeth.   That is a bunch of lies perpetuated by the tooth fairy.  The truth is that kids eat too much candy and they fall out.  They are just lucky that some other tooth underneath grows back.

Keep the stinking brush off these kids teeth!  Let them rot!

Keep the stinking brush off these kids teeth! Let them rot!

Candy also tries get its sweet and “innocent” self mixed in with bitterness.  Have you ever heard of the word bittersweet? A lot of people that read my blog like to tell me bittersweet is a good thing.  I know they are trying to help, but bitter doesn’t want anything to do with sweet.  Bitter just wants to be its own independent self and get an apartment in the city.  But sweet is always trying to make bitterness stay at home because sweet needs bitter to take care of it.  Then bitter is 30 years old and still living at home.

Candy attracts kids.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like my kids.  It’s other people’s kids that I despise.  I always wondered why all the neighborhood kids wanted to come to our house.  It isn’t like we have a big house or particularly entertaining toys.  Our kids are cool I guess, but they also have to deal with at least one bitter parent that doesn’t like them.  Then I finally got it.  It is the candy in the candy jar that keeps them coming back for more.  They can deal with the bitterness as long as they can get in, get some sweet candy and get out.  I try to eliminate candy, but for some reason candy and kids just keep coming back.

So my bitter and diabolical plan is to leave candy out in the neighborhood that leads up to my front door where there is a cauldron of hot water waiting to boil them.  That will teach them to eat my candy.  I just hope it keeps them from coming back.

There's a nice warm hot tub for you kids.  Step right in!

There’s a nice warm hot tub for you kids. Step right in!


Bitter Ben


48 thoughts on “Candy bitterness

  1. Pingback: 40 reasons to be Bitter | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Lol, that’s how I feel about kids in general :)) Hope I feel more maternal when I have my own. Or I may have to lose them in the woods. :p


  3. When I was in highschool, my friends always came to my house. And ate like it was a contest. She was not happy with that. Then we made a potatoe gun. Many a kid was boiled that day. So I understand where you’re coming from.


  4. When I was pregnant with the Gamer I was worried I wasn’t going to take naturally to mothering — I’ve never considered myself a “kid person”. A wise friend of my mother’s told me I didn’t have to love, or even, like any other child except my own. It was a great relief! …She didn’t address boiling or throwing jaw breakers at other people’s kids. 😉


  5. This is awesome! So refreshing to hear someone, ANYone, say something other than all children are beautiful cherubs to be worshipped. No they’re not. And I’m a parent, so I can say that. SOMEtimes they are, and other times they’re just a pain in the ass. But I’ll always love Charlie’s Angels (even if they are girls) because they had awesome walkie talkies. And a plan. Great post : )


  6. Oh, the sweetness of your delightful post makes me want to leave out some old candy I found in the back of my pantry this past weekend. On second thought, I think I’ll take it to my daughter’s school and give it to the students as a reward. Of course, I fully intend to throw it up in the air during recess so we can see the larger children step all over the smaller ones for old hard candy. The reward will be me seeing kids trying to kill themselves for some horrible hard candy.

    And it isn’t hard candy because I wanted to give out hard candy, it is that old candy everyone hates at Halloween yet they still produce it (and now hard because no one eats it). Why do they eat it? Because it sucks. No one eats it except when they are desperate for some hint of a sugar rush. Anyway, thanks for a great post. I didn’t know you lived in Seattle area. We’ll have to get together sometime and think of good ways to torture our children, kind of like a sarcastic group therapy session or a writing group without the crazy old dude who is working on his science fiction novel since 1982.


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