I have been to some fantastic candy Meccas in the world like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and Candyland. Also, the Jelly Belly Factory in California, Theo’s Chocolate in Seattle, and a place called Hershey, Pennsylvania. What did they all have in common? Boring tours. But besides that, they were all excursions. Theo’s Chocolate was Seattle and is like 30 minutes from my house, but there was traffic and rain. Hershey, Pennsylvania, is right between Pittsburgh, the Steel City, and also Bridge City because of it world record amount of bridges, and Philadelphia, who is famous for booing Santa Claus. In other words, two very bitter cities. In the middle of all this bitterness is a gooey sweet place called Hershey’s Pennsylvania. If it wasn’t for this sweet, tiny little city in the middle of Pennsylvania, the state could have been declared 100% bitter. Thanks a lot Hershey’s! So what else makes me so bitter about Candy?
Candy is sweet. So sweet, in fact that it rots kids teeth. Kids love candy so much that they never want to stop eating it. Have you ever seen a kid with its full set of teeth? I haven’t either. A lot of people would claim that the reason they lose their teeth is because of a natural growing process of losing their baby teeth. That is a bunch of lies perpetuated by the tooth fairy. The truth is that kids eat too much candy and they fall out. They are just lucky that some other tooth underneath grows back.
Candy also tries get its sweet and “innocent” self mixed in with bitterness. Have you ever heard of the word bittersweet? A lot of people that read my blog like to tell me bittersweet is a good thing. I know they are trying to help, but bitter doesn’t want anything to do with sweet. Bitter just wants to be its own independent self and get an apartment in the city. But sweet is always trying to make bitterness stay at home because sweet needs bitter to take care of it. Then bitter is 30 years old and still living at home.
Candy attracts kids. Don’t get me wrong. I like my kids. It’s other people’s kids that I despise. I always wondered why all the neighborhood kids wanted to come to our house. It isn’t like we have a big house or particularly entertaining toys. Our kids are cool I guess, but they also have to deal with at least one bitter parent that doesn’t like them. Then I finally got it. It is the candy in the candy jar that keeps them coming back for more. They can deal with the bitterness as long as they can get in, get some sweet candy and get out. I try to eliminate candy, but for some reason candy and kids just keep coming back.
So my bitter and diabolical plan is to leave candy out in the neighborhood that leads up to my front door where there is a cauldron of hot water waiting to boil them. That will teach them to eat my candy. I just hope it keeps them from coming back.
- Bitter Picture of the Week – Valentine’s Day (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Easter with Hersheys (mommieswithstyle.com)
- My Bitter Valentine: Order Some Custom Anti-Sweethearts Candies (technabob.com)
- CandyLand, AGAIN? 2 Ways to Make it More Fun (youcantoomom.wordpress.com)