Going down in flames Friday Giftures

 

Yesterday I was reading about a so-called author named E.L. Stein or James or something that wrote a coloring book about different shades of gray? Talk about a boring book.  Is there any color more boring than gray? I live in Seattle, where there are actually that many colors of grey almost every day of the year. Could our coloring book be more about 50 shades of red or yellow or purple? Those at least aren’t the most boring colors.  Anyways, apparently many people were invited to ask questions of Mr./Ms. E.L. Gray and many of them weren’t fans of his/her? coloring book. Let’s just say, that if I ever wrote as bad a coloring book as this person, I wouldn’t have invited people to ask me questions.  Here are a few.

How on earth did Ana manage to graduate from university in the 21st century without an email address or a laptop? #AskELJames

And this one perfect for the Valentine’s Holiday:

#AskELJames I need advice on making a BIG romantic gesture. Should I put a GPS tracker in her phone and make threats if she tries to leave?

I’m not sure what these questions had to do with her coloring book, but they were pretty epic burns. Speaking of epic burns, this post is going down in flames pretty quickly, so view these gifs before it goes completely up in smoke.

Speaking of epic burns….

sad

…tickle this Elmo.

And this guy is going to sunburn…

dsf

…because he’ll just lay on the beach for hours after this.

And you thought C list celebs could learn to dance fast on Dancing with the Stars…

sdlkjf

…check out this guys amazing dance routine he just learned.

What this guy doesn’t know is…

dfds

…this is not the Stairway to Heaven.

You know that saying about never giving up…

dsfdf

…yeah, I don’t either. 

It looks like this guy…

dsfsdf

…had some Hawaiian Punch with a little kick. 

This kid is pretty fast…

 

dfdf

…he can travel from the North Pole to the South Pole in under a second. 

In the sequel of Happy Gilmore…

...

…this kid is Shooter McGavin Jr.

This is me meeting a new person…

asdsad

…at every party ever.

Olympics gymnasts are getting so good these days…

asdasd

…that they can fall correctly on life sized gummy worms. 

This guy is learning…

adasda

…a dog’s version of fetch. 

I believe…

sdfsfdsf

…I can fly.  I believe I can touch…the judges table. 

You might want to go get a first aid kit, so you can nurse your epic burns.  And if you are still feeling hot, maybe you should just move away from the heater vent, or come back to the earth after spending so much time on the sun. That’s all the hot takes I have for now. I don’t want to see any of you until Sunday.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Epic Burn Ben

National Pizza Day

Me spending my National Pizza Day with my BFF.

An Instagram photo of me spending my National Pizza Day with my BFF.

I don’t remember much from seventh grade; I had a crush on a girl who could type way faster than me, I remember math quickly becoming my bitter rival, and my first time in art class, the teacher asked us what our favorite food(okay maybe I do remember a lot). As an introvert, I sat nervously rehearsing in my mind what I was going to say, and when it finally came time to answer, I panicked and blurted out the answer, “Mashed potatoes.” I still remember a spattering of chuckles coming from other class members as I threw pizza under the bus.  What had I done? In a weak moment, in a fit of 7th grade nervousness,  I had forgotten about my beloved pizza. No matter the cost, not matter the pressure put on me when asked that question again, would my answer to my favorite food ever be mashed potatoes.

An Instagram photo of my love for pizza displayed in lights.

An Instagram photo of my love for pizza displayed in lights.

For a long time, I was a loyal person. I always bought Nike’s, always followed the San Antonio Spurs, always worked for companies for a long time, always stayed in the same family.  But a little while ago I realized, why should I be loyal? Nike has never given me an endorsement deal, sent me on an all expense paid trip to NikeTown in Beaverton, or or sent me a free pair of shoes? Why should I be loyal to them? The Spurs are pretty easy to follow because they’ve only had one losing season in 25 years. But in all those years of following them, have they even once given me season tickets, or even a free T-shirt? Or for that matter, even made a shirt that fit me? And what has my family ever done for me beside love me unconditionally?

sf

At least it’s my answer for everything. 

You all may say you love pizza more than I do and that you are way more loyal to it than I am.  I suppose in college you have ordered pizza more than once a week and stored the boxes in your dorm room.  And I suppose you ordered pizza in some form, every Friday since then? And not only that, have ordered pizza on days besides Fridays? And I suppose you’ve eaten stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut backwards because one time 25 years ago, you saw a commercial with your favorite athlete telling you that is the proper way to do it? And does your company come to you whenever pizza is needed to be ordered and ask you to do it? Has a co-worker who was dumb as rocks asked you where online you would order pizza from Pizzahut.com? And better yet, have you convinced people in the office to start saying the day of the week after Thursday isn’t Friday, but Pizza?

Spoiler warning. I have done all those things.  Drivers know me personally and have called ME when they didn’t get my order on Friday.

The one time I liked Katy Perry.

That one time I liked Katy Perry.

So yesterday, when I was alerted by the media, (or maybe it was just a co-worker), that it was National Pizza Day, and I was outraged. Outraged that Pizza Hut didn’t call me and tell me.  I was bitterly frustrated that not one Pizza joint had a courtesy pizza waiting for me at the front desk at work, or one waiting for me at home.  I get that Nike didn’t give me free stuff, because I only bought a pair of shoes from them once a year or less.  And the Spurs, I’ve purchased a lot of merchandise from them, but have only been to a handful of their games, because I live many miles from Texas.  But Pizza should know better.  Since seventh grade, they have been my favorite. Maybe they felt betrayed by the mashed potato incident and have sworn vengeance ever since.  Maybe they still remember the time I ate a sub sandwich on a Friday that one time in ’86. Or maybe pizza is bitter because I forgot to include them in one of my blogs.

Yes, I will Pizza.

Yes, I will Pizza.

Either way, I expect more from Pizza.  If I next year on this very day, #Pizza isn’t celebrating by posting my face on their Instagram thanking me for all their loyalty, and showering me in pepperoni’s the entire month of October, I’m going to stop supporting pizza forever. Do you hear me, Pizza! For a month! Do you understand what I’m saying Pizza! An entire week! I mean it Pizza! I will go a whole day without ordering you! Do not mess with my loyalty EVER. AGAIN.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHeroni

Bitter Pizza Day Ben

Ninja Escape Bitterness

It was a bad weekend.

It was a rough weekend. 

Last weekend I died.  Don’t worry, it didn’t hurt too much.  Amazingly, I can still blog from the great beyond.  You are probably all so excited to hear about that.

I know I owe you an explanation, but I don’t always pay people what I owe right away.  Perhaps, if you send a pizza my way? It’s not like pizza will ever lose its taste.  Alright fine.  So my wife found a Groupon about a year ago for an experience called the Ninja Escape.  It was this mystery type adventure, where you are locked in this room, with only 60 minutes to find the Black Lace poison and escape.  Luckily, there were enough clues for us to find our way out.  Luckily, there was six of us there to work together to figure out clues. Unluckily, I was one of the 6 people in the room to help figure out clues.  The 60 minutes ended, we didn’t figure out how to destroy the Black Lace poison and we died.

The moral of the story? A couple of them. First, be careful what you get from Groupon.  It may result in your death.  Second, don’t go to a room that could cause your death with a guy that didn’t do well in problem solving in school.  And third, don’t go into a life threatening with a guy with no survival skills.

Wouldn't.

Wouldn’t.

I was not a great survivalist in life.  If you read a post I did several years ago, you know what I would have done had there been a Zombie apocalypse. I would have not barricaded my doors, I would have let them come right into my house, I would have let them bite me or gnaw on me, or give me pamphlets, or whatever it is that they do to convert you to the zombie side. After becoming a zombie, I would have hid out in my house, watching TV.  I mean, really, does every zombie have to be aggressively out hunting for other humans? I think I could have been one of the lazy ones, that just ordered brain pizza, and been perfectly happy.  I’m not greedy.

And what if there is a worldwide energy outage? Because of where I live, the land of trees, if there is even just a 70 mph wind, trees and power lines are in a constant battle. Let me tell you, there is never a winner.  Trees always fall and they love taking power lines with them.  And when that happens, the really loser is me.  Because my computer is down, my Xbox is down, my TV is down and my refrigerator is down. That pretty much means I’m down.  Down on the couch. Which is fine, because that is my favorite position, but I’m stuck with nothing to do.  I might as well have been run over by a tree, or electrocuted by a power line, because it would have been way better than trying to survive the boredom without power.  UGGGGHH.

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And nothing is worse than Tuesdays.

On the other hand, maybe I was a survivor.  Somehow, I survived one of the worst days ever.  I’m not talking about a Bill Murray styled Groundhog’s Day, though I guess this day of the week might as well have been Groundhog’s Day.  Especially considering that bad things happened on this day with amazing consistency.  I’m not talking Monday’s.  Not that Monday’s aren’t terrible, they are.  But the single worst day of the week has always been Tuesday.  Monday’s are terrible, because we have to come back to work.  But Tuesday’s are when the workday actually starts, and paradoxically never ends.  Let’s just say if hell were to be stuck on a certain day of the week, it would be Tuesday.  If you look hopelessness up in the dictionary, it has a picture of Tuesday, because that is a day with no hope.  No hope of being a good day.  No hope of ending, no hope of getting a holiday on it. No hope of a Friday or Saturday or Sunday without a bunch of other days in between. Tuesday’s are the Interstate 405 of the week.

So needless to say, I’m already getting tired of being dead.  I have such a headache, the Wi-Fi is pretty weak here, and the music is the worst.  I mean 24 hour Beiber/Miley Cyrus channel? And it seems like I can never leave work. Don’t worry though, I think most people here are begging the Grim Reaper to send me back.  I think they are getting a little tired of all my bitterness.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Ninja Escape Failure Ben

Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Order vs. Chaos

My dream shower scenario.

My dream shower scenario.

Whenever I take a shower, I put on my shampoo, which then seems to form some sort of thinking cap, because all my bitterly terrible ideas start flowing out.  All the ideas sound brilliant at the time, but then as soon as I dry off or start writing them down, start not making sense anymore. Yesterday, in the shower, I was pretty far down the rabbit hole, thinking about the environment, time and space and all kinds of other things I probably have stopped right away with.  It was not safe down there and is almost as boring as Arbor Day.

While I was down in the basement of my mind, I kept wondering which environment my mind thrived in.  Do I live in Order Universe or do I exist more in the Chaos Realm?

Let’s take a look at an example of the big haps around here today. The Super Bowl is taking over America (while the rest of the world is awaiting the next big futbol match).  So is the Super Bowl Order or Chaos? Here’s what I see.

Despite all your planning, Left Shark can bring chaos to the mix.

Despite all your planning, a Left Shark can bring chaos to the mix.

Control – Ever since last year’s Super Bowl, someone has been planning the festivities from the food to the seat planning, to the prop bets, to the amount of money they will overcharge for everything including, especially the ads.

Control – I’m guessing that no matter how hard the people planned things, there are things that will go differently than planned.  Different teams than expected are there. Parties break out, and when that happens, there is no way they can control what happens. And the bettors can simulate the game 10,000 times or a billion times, there is no way they can predict everything that happens.

 

How about my beloved video games?

Chaos – The best ones are expensive and as such take years of planning and executing to get all the great features, make sure that every pixel is in place, and every T is slain and every I is full of revenge. But as soon as the game comes out, every kind of possibility the game makers could possibly think of, is blown up, turned upside down, and tossed into the abyss the moment people start to playing it. Patches are needed, updates happen and DLC is thrown in the mix.  As I watch my son play right now, I think nothing but chaos is ensuing.  People running everywhere, people shooting, environments being torn to shreds.  There is no way the game makers  could have anticipated every one of a trillions of scenarios that are happening just in this one game he is playing.

Chaos ensues.

Chaos ensues.

How about me? Which environment do I live in? At first I figured I operated in the Chaos Realm.

Chaos – I don’t like planning, or organizing or going to meetings.  I don’t have spreadsheets tracking where my money goes, or enjoy doing taxes or paying bills.  I don’t watch the news or follow politics or care what every celebrity is eating for breakfast this morning. I only know that I’m hungry and need breakfast this morning. Yep, I’m a wild and crazy guy.

Control – But then again, I’ve worked in same place for the last 14 years.  I take the same route every day to work.  Every Tuesday I go to Scouts.  Every Saturday, I lay on the couch.  Every Friday, I do Bitter Friday Giftures, and get pizza.  Every Sunday, I look for the paper outside.  Everytime my gas gets low, I try to find a gas station. So am I a Chaos Chump, or a Control Chap?

What about all of you? Which realm do you exist in? Which one of these wins the cage match in your life?

ARRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Chaos Ben

It’s all Downhill from here Friday Giftures

Everyone goes through peaks and valleys or as I like to call them The Middle of the Sun during Summer and Middle of the Antarctic in the winter.  You might reach your peak efficiency of the work week on Wednesday at 10 am, or you might reach you absolute low at 3 pm on Tuesday. Or you might have the best year of your life at 32 or the worst one at 31.  A bitter person has only one peak which is when they are born, and then everything else is downhill from there.   It’s basically like getting to the top of the kiddie slide and just complaining so much about the steep one foot decline that everyone around you thinks it’s the world’s tallest slide.  And they are so tired of hearing you complain about your first world problems that they finally decide to stop following your blog, uh I mean listening to your waterslide complaints. Speaking of things that are going downhill fast, here are this week Friday Giftures.

You know mankind’s day in the sun is setting…

dsf

…when the one advantage we had over the dinos is taken away. 

You know it’s time to get out of professional baseball…

sdf

…when you get outclassed by a barehanded guy holding a baby. 

Dog may be man’s best friend for now…

sdf

…but with balloon popping skills like that, we may be dog’s best friend soon.

Are we really certain…

sdf

…that humans are more evolved than apes?

It’s a good thing most people’s smart phones are wireless…

dfd

…or some of us would never leave the house.

This guy should sue…

sdfdf

…because the store didn’t put up a sign anywhere that he specifically could pick things up. 

It’s pretty bad these days…

sdf

…when would be thieves can’t even get a little chair-ity. 

You would think that people would have learned by now…

sdf

…the powerful strength that can come from someone that is disturbed during a nap. 

Or the rage of someone…

sdf

…who doesn’t get fed when they are hungry.

It almost makes someone…

sdf

…want to flip out…badly.

Other people are fed up…

radass-daily-viral-picdump-39

…and just don’t want to taco bout it. 

And that…

t

…is the last straw. 

That concludes the downward slide for today. Not because the slide is over, but just because today is Friday and you are ignoring your downward slide to concentrate on the pizza you are going to have for lunch.  Which will have something wrong with it for sure, and you will need to complain about while you are cramming it down your throat.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Downward Sliding Dog Ben

Becoming a Pizza Gardener

Just eating ma sammich.

Just eating ma sammich.

Last Friday, I was eating a sandwich from a place called Home Grown that was really good, and it came with some chips that were also really good.  One of my co-workers wondered aloud if they actually grew the potatoes themselves to make the chips.  That lead me to then say, “Nope. I think they grew the chips in the garden in their back lot.”  Then I was reminded that the reason I hate gardening, despite the fact that my last name is Gardner, is because the food that is grown in a garden is so boring.

Why I don't garden.

Why I don’t garden.

What kinds of foods would bring me out of my 42 year retirement from gardening? Tomatoes and potatoes and corn and wheat are not an enticing thing for me.  How about something that I would actually eat? How about something that is bad for you? Why is dirt so restrictive? Why can’t things grow in the dirt besides fruits and vegetables?  Where is the multi-ingredient foods, the stuff that doesn’t need to be combined with other things? And what about desert? If Moses got manna from heaven, why can’t I grow Ice cream in the fields?

I'm into fitness.

I’m into fitness.

Let’s get down to the real question. Why can’t I grow a Pizza Gardens? Or better yet, become a pizza farmer. Because if there were, I would quit my job right away and tomorrow there would be a pizza garden growing in my back yard.

I would wake up early every morning(around 11 am), waddle out to garden, pound my chest from last night’s heartburn, and pull a pizza tenderly from its stalk and taste if it was ripe enough for harvesting.

Then my garden would expand. I would start investing in some center pivot irrigation, which would properly Pepsi and Coke the pizza fields just right.

Then I would start sprinkling just the right amount of yeast with the pizza seeds and my pizza stalks dough would start rising better than the neighboring pizza farms.

I would then start making sure the sun was rotating through the fields at just the right rate and at the perfect 350 degree temperature, so that the pizza was not too doughy or not too burnt.

What do you know? Their little footballs.

What do you know? Their little footballs.

Then I would start expanding to new fields. The west fields would be extra cheese fields that would make sure it wasn’t just a little bit more cheese, but double the amount or the regular cheese. And I would make sure that even though there was twice the amount of cheese the rest of the ingredients would still show through.

I would make sure the stuffed crust fields were not only getting the right amount of cheese in the edge of the crust, but that the rest of the crust wasn’t thin. And if a crust ever did get too thin, I would just have to grind that crop into the ground and start over again. Because pizza should never have too thin of a crust.

I would come home in my overalls sweaty, smelling like cheese and tomato sauce and pepperoni. I would go to the feed store for more yeast and cheese and complain with the other Pizza farmers about the surplus this year and how we are getting too many buy one get one free’s at the local Pizza hut, or how Little Caesar’s is going with that new farm for supply because they are adding bacon around the crust.

My kids would get sick of eating pizza every night. “Can’t we have some corn or wheat or rice tonight?” And I would say, “No, now eat your pizza and Pepsi and then go take your heartburn medicine. And no snacking on that kale or salad. You’ll be strong and healthy if you keep eating those vegetables and fruits!”

And I would get old and realize that my bitter Pizza farm was for nothing but cheap local pizza franchises and I would have been better off selling the place long ago. And my son never really liked pizza farming with me and never intended to take over the family pizza farm anyways, but never told me, because I was too gruff and bitter.  I discover that he wanted to do something more with his life like become an office drone, a customer service rep, or stuck in middle management somewhere.

And then some corporation would come buy my land for pennies on the dollar so they could build a bunch of Pizza hut parking garages on the land. And I would retire to Florida where it is way hotter than the 350 degrees I was used to.  The Bitter Life of a Pizza Farmer.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Pizza Famer Ben

The Bitter Groundhog

Duh duh SPARTA!

Duh duh SPARTA!

Let’s face it. The groundhog is famous for only two things.  Every February they are known for disappointing millions of people by seeing their shadow or not seeing their shadow(whichever one it is, I don’t think anyone knows) and predicting that we have 6 more weeks of winter.  Though if you want to be disappointed about that, just look at a freaking calendar, because it will tell you the same exact stupid thing.  And if he does tell you that spring starts right now, then he is just as bad because he is giving you false hope and you are a sucker for believing in it.

Yeah...just like last year.

Yeah…just like last year.

The other thing they are famous for is creating a rip in the space time/continuum R for   Bill Murray that causes him to relive the day over and over and over again.  And let’s be honest. Ever since that movie, we think of Groundhog’s Day more for that principle of repeating things than we care about a groundhog predicting something.

You want to know what is the same year after year after year just like the Groundhog’s day is for Bill Murray? This blog. I bet if you went back to last year on this very same day on this very same blog you would get about the same material and same themes that you have received year after year. I would go back and look, but I’m too lazy.  See what I mean? How many times have I said I was too lazy? Look back year after year and you will see the same thing with my birthday,  Bitter Giftures on Fridays, Bitter Rivalrys of the Week and Bitter News from the Couch.  If you’ve even read more than two posts on this blog, you’d notice that almost always the same things come up again and again.  Pizza, couches, traffic, hating other people, laziness and bitterness.

Me too, man. Me too.

Me too, man. Me too.

You know what else is Groundhoggy this time of year? The politicians and the politics.  I despise politics not only because it is just a bunch of idiots arguing, but because I don’t understand any of it.  The only parts that I care about are the things they are doing that affect me personally.  Like for instance if they are taking more of my money away from me, then I vote to bring them down.  And this year again, we are choosing between Stupid, Dumb and Dumber and quite frankly, I would rather vote for Dumb and Dumber (Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels). I almost think we need to hire some actors to pretend to run the country for a few years until we can come up with people that would make us think we weren’t in some sort of circus/freak show twilight zone thing. If any of you saw Pixels the movie with Adam Sandler as a guy that saves the world and Kevin James as an incompetent president, and me thinking he would be a better option as a president right now, tells you what kind of solid candidates we have.

Same old Sharks.

Same old Sharks.

The Super Bowl is happening yet again this year, to the disappointment of almost the whole world yet again.  Here’s some predictions I will give you based on oh, I don’t know, the history of forever since the Super Bowl became the event of the year, every year. 31 teams fan bases will be sad because yet again their team didn’t win.  Millions will be upset because the halftime show just wasn’t as spectacular as they were hoping. Commercial groupies (ones that only seems to come out during the Super Bowl) will be hyper critical of the offerings of commercials this year.  And all those people that are there just for the food at your house will be yet again disappointed because the dip just wasn’t as spicy as it was last year.  Half the people that bet on the Super Bowl will be disappointed because they lost their life savings on the game. And you will be disappointed because football will be gone forever until next week when they start talking about the draft.

MMMMM...caaaaandy.

MMMMM…caaaaandy.

Valentine’s Day, just like Groundhog’s Day, will be another day of disappointment.  Single people will declare it to be Single Awareness Day(S.A.D.), couples will declare it, “we never go out anymore” day(W.N.G.O.A.), and dating couples will call it, “No Pressure But If We Aren’t Engaged Today Everyone Will Know We Aren’t Meant For Each Other Day (N.P.B.I.W.A.E.T.E.W.K.W.A.M.F.E.O.D.) Cards will be bought, chocolates will be sold out, flowers costs will quintuple and last minute husbands on the way home from work will invade the stores, looking rather like Groundhogs (or are they prairie dogs)  sticking their heads up to see if there are any last minute flowers available.

Husbands everywhere on the way home from work on Valentine's Day.

Husbands everywhere on the way home from work on Valentine’s Day.

Yes, there is nothing like Groundhogs Day to remind us that no matter how much we think things have changed, they always remain the same again and again and again….

Once again….ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Groundhog Day Ben

BTW, Happy Birthday Aunt Jo

My Bitter New Career

dfd

I should have been more popular. 

When I was in 7th grade, we did a career day where we had to decide what we wanted to be when we grew up. I decided that I wanted to be an advertising copywriter.  So I stuck with that dream and decided that anything that didn’t have to do with writing copy was worthless and I didn’t need to know anything about it.  So I stopped paying attention to math and social studies and science and those other things.  I just needed to get to a place where ad agencies would find me and ask me to be their ad copywriter.

Because I was so diligent in not listening to other people, I ended up not becoming an ad copywriter, because apparently they like people with experience.  And you can’t get experience if you don’t have a job. Weird cycle someone at the top created.  So I decided to change my job goals to becoming an author.  That way, when I get the book published, I will make a billion dollars like J.K. Rowling and then just sit around being a reclusive author that doesn’t ever grant interviews.

 

Reclusing like a boss.

Reclusing like a boss.

But recently, something changed.  I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, and a commercial(which I could have written, had I had any experience) came on.  It was an ad for a school that teaches you how to become a certified personal trainer and guarantees that you will get a job in 90 days or you money back. My goal immediately become to be a personal trainer.

You know personal trainers though. They are all those cut, fit, physical wonders that look like they were sculpted on Mt. Olympus that just have to run on a Bowflex for 20 minutes everyday.  What they don’t know is that when they train people, their people can’t relate to them.  Their trainer doesn’t eat cheeseburgers.  Their trainer doesn’t have a job that requires them to sit for 8-10 hours at a desk.  The gym is their office.

Well, when I become your personal trainer, you will go, “Hey, I can do that.” I will teach you stuff like how to sit on a couch properly, how to stuff pizza into your mouth in several unique ways, and how to go to the fridge for snacks.

The other day I noticed a show on one of those channels that is trying a radical new approach for trainers.  Their cut little selves are going to go through what their clients are and gain 60 pounds in three months and realize how it feels.  Well, in my program, I skip that part because I’m already there.  But if you need me to eat more pizza, I will. Just don’t expect me to lose any with you.

My workouts, where I tempt you with stuff, then eat it right in front of you.

My workouts, where I tempt you with stuff, then eat it right in front of you.

My program will involve you getting stuff for me.  When you get to the gym, I will bark out instructions like, “I just ordered a pizza for carryout.  It is 15 minutes away.  Go run and pick it up and whatever you do, no eating it! And it better be hot or I’m going to send you back to get another one!”

I’ll send you on grocery runs, or more like grossery runs, where I get all kinds of food that have grease and sugar and lactose and I’ll throw in some carrots, which you get to eat and pay me for because what do I look like to you? Someone that is generous?

Things

Things I do while training you. 

I personally think that you should hate your trainer and you know what? Most people do, because they will work you to the bone and yell at you, but eventually you start losing the weight.  Me, on the other hand, you will hate for other reasons. I will yell at you for no reason at all, or because I had a bitter day at work and I’m taking it out on you.  I will yell at you because your selfie’s were blurry.  So not only will you not lose any weight but you will also gain selfie esteem issues.

And that is why I’m changing careers right now.  Because there can be no more bitter satisfaction in life than to transfer your bitterness to someone else.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Extreme Exercise Ben

Taking a Ride on the Bitter Gifture Express

 

It’s freaking Friday and that means the Bitter Express is getting ready to leave the station.  The Bitter Express is a different roller coaster ride than you are used to.  Most roller coaster rides are full of excitement, screaming, thrilling drops and crazy loop de loops and then, they eventually end.  The Bitter Express starts at the bottom and just keeps going down. It’s full of disappointing dives, cantankerous curves, frustrating fails, rickety railways filled with rage, and all kinds of tense twists and turns that are full of fury, signifying nothing.  And the worst part is that it never ends. So strap in and enjoy nothing about this ride.

It’s going to be…

..to be instense

…pretty intense.

Prepare to get doused…

P

…because it’s going to get a little hawkward around here.

Trust me, the ride will not…

sd

…tree-t you right.

Speaking of tree-tment,…

sdf

…get ready to understand what it feels like to be a cat.

Not only will you be doing crazy flips….

sdfdf

…but you will experience another kind of flip.

There no skipping in the line…

rere

…to get a head of everyone.

Don’t forget the Murphy’s Law ride…

dJust make

…where anything that can happen to you will happen to you.

Don’t worry, just when you think nothing else can happen….

dfdf

…Boom! Catastrophe!

Don’t forget to bring the kids…

df

…to the bumper cars.

Make sure you forget your dancing shoes…

s

…so the rest of us can be entertained.

And make sure if you are short to grow a little..

...make sure you are tall enough for the ride.

…or you won’t be allowed on the rides.

And make sure you don’t stay in the sun too long…

sdfd

…or you might fly off the deep end.

Alright, times up. Step out of the Bitter Express. Keep all your hand and legs outside of the tray tables and feel free to leave the park immediately as we don’t want you here anymore. We wish you bitter luck on finding your car in the parking lot and we hope your wallets were pickpocketed by our bitterly underpaid employees. And remember, next time you think of family fun, think long and hard about never coming to this place again.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHH

Bitter Express Ben

The Bitter Power of the Jinx

The classic face off.

The classic face off.

You may not notice this thing that happens in movies, but there is a strong thread that keeps action movies going.  In the beginning there is some sort of balance that keep the protagonist and the antagonist from killing each other.  No matter how large the odds are against one side or the other, each side holds one tiny card that they can deal out if necessary to save their side of the cause.

sdf

…I mean the FBI.

For instance, a bad guy can be surrounded by the entire FBI, but he can keep the balance by keeping one little bomb attached to his chest.  Or, he can keep a little remote control on hand that will start the zombie apocalypse with his computer in a remote location.  It’s similar to when one country doesn’t nuclear bomb another country because then there would be retaliation and this whole world would end. It’s that weight and balance that keeps us from flat out killing each other.

This whole boring explanation was to make the stupidest point ever.  Basically everyone is smarter, funnier, more talented, faster, jumpier and more handsome than me, but I carry one small trump (not Trump) card that keeps people from burying me in the sand. I have the Bitter power of the Jinx.

I jinx thee.

I jinx thee.

Didn’t get that promotion you were hoping for? Probably gave me some work that day.   Didn’t win the lottery? 2:1 odds that was my fault. Car didn’t quite make it to the shop? You bet your carburetor that was me.  Living in a van down by the river? Call me the Matt Foley of jinxers.  You can blame me all the way up and down the coast of the Potomac River, because if anything bad happens to you, it’s my superhuman ability to jinx you.

Just yesterday, a co-worker blamed me for making him late or some garbage and of course I was fine with that.  But he kept saying it, so I jinxed him. Almost immediately the phones started lighting up for him and he received 12 calls in the first hour, when normally he would just get 2 or 3.  I kept laughing at him and whispering, “It’s the jinx. You should never mess with me…”

And you know how when you say things at the same time as someone else and you are supposed to say, “Jinx, buy me a Coke, 1,2,3…”. You better win that against me or you really will be cursed with the ability to not talk for the rest of your life until I say your name.  And I’m really bad at names.

You will not be able to talk ever again.

You will not be able to talk ever again.

Don’t think that you are safe from the jinx just because you don’t work or live near me either. I have the ability to jinx anything or anyone through the internet too. Companies, bloggers, Twitter, Facebook, they are all vulnerable.  Remember the housing crash of 2008? Someone raised our rent that year.  Remember when the internet bubble burst around 2001? Someone denied giving me http://www.bensbitterblog.com that year.

Remember when you bought all those tickets for the lottery and thought you were going to win a billion dollars? Didn’t happen right? That happened because you didn’t buy that extra content on my blog post a few weeks ago.

Don’t be jealous of my jinx ability though. Because with the power of jinxing it comes back twofold on me.  As soon as I jinxed my co-worker, I got twice as many calls, and more paperwork appeared on my desk.  Leave it to me to have the one ability that hurts me twice as bad as the benefit.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Jinxed Ben

 

The Bitter Injury Report

Breaking News, the game is up next.

Breaking News, the game is up next.

Bitter Entertainment Network interrupts this coverage of the president’s speech to go to the game….

Bitter Ben the Sports Announcer: Well that was another terribly bitter game we just watched.  An entire nation of fans were completely let down by their team who couldn’t execute their way out of a Ziploc bag (see our sponsors website for more details on how to get out of Ziploc bags). The other fan base is even more bitter that their team won because their race toward the lottery has now vanished into thin air of smoke created by Kingsford Original Charcoal Briquettes (They are ready faster and burn longer.)

Sponsored by our friends over at Kingsford.

Sponsored by our smoky apron wearing friends over at Kingsford.

As if that weren’t depressing enough, we now head over to Bitter Ben the Injury Report Guy, to give us an update about, you guessed it, injuries.

Bitter Ben Injury Report Guy: Thanks for nothing, Bitter Ben the Sports Announcer guy.  Let’s hope we’ve booked a half hour or so on the show, because the list of injuries were extensive.

BBTSA: Wow, Injury Bitter Ben this sounds so enchanting. Please continue to bore our listeners even more than you normally do.

BBIRG: Of course I will, Bitter Ben. I’m sure after listening to your garbage announcing for the last three hours, they can’t wait for more.  So here is our injury report.

Marco Polo has suffered a broken hip. This loss of hipness has caused him to finally realize that he will never be cool in the eyes of his kids or any other people in general.  While the rest of the world already knew, he finally came to the realization himself. Though he won’t stop trying to say stupid words like, “Cool, man” and “That’s pretty rad”.  Marco Polo also suffers from a condition called “Self Awareness”.

Next up, we have Newton Strongbottom, who suffered a strain to his gluteus maximus. As he continually rode the pine in the game, he become the butt of all the jokes and was continually butt-hurt because he only got 300 likes on his latest Facebook post. He will be out 3-4 games because of this serious injury to his pride.

Marco.

He’s a 10 and must be seen immediately.

Bell Graham is the biggest communicator on the team and because of his constant barking, he has lost his voice. While this caused his teammates much joy, his biggest fans, AT&T, Sprint, T-mobile and Verizon dropped him from their network.  While he should get his voice back soon, he biggest fans have moved on to other networks.

Mike Pointer suffered injuries to most of his fingers.  His thumb, index, ring and pinkie fingers on both hands could not be lifted past a certain point, leaving with only one finger on each hand to express himself.  The FCC is looking into getting this injury fixed as quick as possible so he can be seen on television and his younger fans as soon as possible.

Max Schnoz took a big hit not only to his ego, but to something even bigger on his face, the thing that hold his eyes up and his mouth down, the first thing you see when he enters the room, his amazingly large nose.  Nobody nose how long he will be snout, uh out.

Also pictured: Jay No Z.

Also pictured: Jay No Z.

While Greg Brawler is one of the more talented players on the team, he surely isn’t the smartest.  Thankfully, he injured his knucklehead which will surprisingly make him more valuable to the team than ever.

Sens A. Tive is out for the next two games because someone made a rude remark about his political beliefs and got on his nerves, injuring them to the point where he may be down to his last one.

David Paid’s allergies to jerks are acting up, so he had to go down to the jerk store to get some medicine.

The family man, Bill Guild sprained his uncle, so he was walking kind of tenderly around the house.

The guy at the end of the bench, Un Necessary, suffered a knee confusion.  Since he is always confused about where is supposed to be not only in games, but in practice and the team bus, his knee confusion is just joining the rest of him.

BBTSA: Is that it? Can we finally get back to listening to my way more important announcing about how deplorable this game was?

BBIRG: Please, by all means, tell us more about this game that mattered so not at all in the standings or anything else but wasting three hours of our miserable lives.

BBTSA: Okay, back to the game….

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Injured Ben

Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Fight vs. Flight

The mess I get myself into every single day.

The mess I get myself into every single day.

They say when you mess up and get yourself trapped in a corner, like when I was painting the deck, the other 20 years ago, you have one of two responses on how to get out of the mess you got yourself into.  As an expert in literally and figuratively painting myself into corners on a daily basis, I can tell you that yes, the two responses, flight and fight are legit responses.

Fight is for those weirdo people that wake up and do pushups as soon as the alarm goes off at 5 am, that only lay down so they can start their situps and have never used the couch properly to lay down, but to lift it so they can get a good burn.  Fight is for those that use the punching bag for actually punching instead of as antique dust collector in the garage or basement and who use the treadmill incorrectly as something to run on instead of as a $3000 coat hanger.  These are the people don’t like Kool-Aid but fruit punch with a kick, but only because it reminds them what they are going to do to you if put them in a corner.

Then there are the runners.  They can’t make it through a day without running.  Running errands, running their cars, running their mouths.  They can’t doing anything without running marathons.  Netflix and show marathons, work marathons, reading and writing marathons, everything they do is run in long stretches of time. Speaking of stretching, if they are running from place to place they are stretching. Stretching their legs or their arms, stretching conversations longer than they should, stretching meetings longer than they should go (like more than 5 minutes) even stretching their budget farther.  They love shoes because they like to wear them out just so they can get more.

So which one of these exhausting people are you? Let me know in the comments.

A third player enters the fray!

A third player enters the fray!

But wait! A third previously undiscovered option until this very minute by yours truly has entered the fray! The ignorer.  The one that gets trapped in a corner and just decides to ignore whatever is going on around them in the corner. Whether it is laziness, ignorance, boredom, or just plain obliviousness, these people just don’t care. You could threaten then with all kinds of harm, but nothing will get them out of the corner until they are good and ready, especially if they have a phone and wi-fi.

So, who win this epic rivalry? Is the fighter, the flighter or the ignorer?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Rivalry Ben

National Hug Day Bitter Giftures

A little quote I stole from myself. Which Lucky Wreck quoted on her blog with a fancy badge to make it look profesh.

A little quote I stole from myself. Which Lucky Wreck quoted on her blog with a fancy badge to make it look profesh.

I found out that yesterday was yet another holiday that I didn’t get off work for. National Hugger’s Day they call it.  Of course, I don’t believe in hugging unless it is a passive aggressive way for me to crack someone’s ribs that I’m not real fond of.  This is not to say that I shouldn’t have gotten the day off yesterday. There are a lot of holidays I take off even though I don’t believe in them.  Just because I’m not a leprechaun doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, by robbing people of their gold, or pinching them a little too hard for not wearing green. And I still take every Easter Sunday off and eat chocolate bunnies even though I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny.  So in celebration of National Hugging Day that I didn’t get off yesterday, I’m going to take today off of working, even though I will be here.  Here are a few Gifs of things that I would rather do than hug people.

I’d rather crawl through the sewer…

Ho

…than try to crawl away from a hug.  

I’d rather walk up a few steps…

sdf

…than step down for a hug. 

I’d rather get my stake a little overdone…

sdfd

…than having someone milk another embrace. 

I’d rather swim voluntarily…

sdf

…than get hover hugged.

I’d rather get involved in a hit and run…

dfdf

…than get involved in a drive by hugging.  

I’d rather get rainbombed…

sdf

…than get hugbombed…

I’d rather every day be Monday…

SDFdf

…than any day be HugDay….

I’d rather get stuck in traffic all day…

dfdf

…than get stuck in someone’s embrace.

I’d rather doing training all day…

dsfd

…than get stuck in the Hugway Express.

I’d rather jump up, around and through hoops all day…

sdfd

…than get stuck in the middle of someone’s hooplike arms.  

I’d rather do a faceplant in front of millions on TV…

the-funniest-internet-photos-34

…than get hug planted in front of no other people.

I’d rather get stuck in the past forever…

df

…than have to embrace anyone in the future…

Thankfully, National Hug day is over, so we don’t have to live through the nightmare of getting hugbombed by someone accidentally, just like on April Fool’s day where we are on edge all day, because we don’t know what is a prank and what is not.  Just be aware that next year is only 364 days away….

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter No Hug Zone Ben

We are Groot

We are Groot.

We are Groot.

Guardians of the Galaxy was a big hit last summer because it was unique and different.  Bitter heroes and villains were everywhere. Peter Quill aka Star Lord was bitter about his mother’s death and his subsequent kidnapping.  Gamora was bitter because she’s the adopted daughter of a guy that wants to destroy the universe.  Drax the Destroyer was bitter because he couldn’t understand sarcasm. Oh and his wife died. And Rocket Racoon was bitter because he was a raccoon.  I was totally onboard with all the bitterness.

But then there was Groot, the overgrown walking tree.  For some reason he thought it was necessary for the Guardians to get along and become a team and that is when the movie fell apart for me. The part at the end where he sacrificed himself to protect his friends from dying and all the sparkly lights lit up and he said, “We are Groot”.

It seems like everyone is trying to teach you that doing things together is the key to success.  That “lone wolfing” it will never get you anywhere and it’s unhealthy.  That the only way to have real success in this world is to do things “together”.

The person that preaches that has never been a part of a group project in school or on a group project at work. Not one time in the history of the group project has any good grade or anything productive ever come from working together.

Alright our order is here.  The pizza for you to split is the one on the bottom.

Alright our order is here. The pizza for you to split is the one on the bottom.

Since I am known in my company as the expert on pizza, I am always the designated orderer of pizza.  Think about ordering pizza for a group of 9 people.  Then imagine the bitter looks on the faces of those people when you order 6 pepperoni pizzas. No one is ever not bitter.  “I wanted extra cheese.” “I wanted thin crust” “I wanted cheese in the crust” “I wanted Canadian Bacon and Pineapple” “You didn’t get breadsticks?'”I wanted diet soda” “Well, I wanted to not order pizza for anyone but myself”.  Ordering pizza by yourself is ALWAYS better.

Reading a book as a group is always a bad idea especially when you all read out loud at the same time.  I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time concentrating on the heavy themes of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” when other people are reading them aloud with me.  It’s pretty clear I’m the fastest reader in the group and some people just need to keep up little Billy.  I’m sorry they don’t teach you how to read in pre-school. It’s not my fault you can’t keep up.

Meetings are generally okay.  Until you start inviting other people.  Then what was turning out to be a mutual sharing of ideas with myself, becomes this totally unrealistic mess where we talk about how to actually accomplish things, and goals are thrown around and assignments are given to me, and all of a sudden what was just grand ideas that would make my life lazier is turning into making me do stuff.  Though if you ever struggle with sleeping, just record a meeting and play it while you are at home and you will be instantly snoozing.

Best way to get rest.

Best way to get rest.

While just about everything is better when done alone, there is one instance where “We are Grooting” happens.  There is one relationship where the Gestalt idea of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts.  When me, my couch and phone become one, it is pretty special.  My bitterly aching back is repaired by becoming part leather and pillowing and cushion and my aching hand are healed by becoming part of the phone. The couch comes alive with a beating heart and gets smarter from the phone.  My phone starts to change the internet into a bitter cushiony place to be.  We all become so connected that we are becoming ultimate bitter blogger. That’s when “We Are Groot.” happens.

ARRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter We are Groot Ben

Bitterlympics

Me on the phone with this older couple. (Not pictured, Me.)

Me on the phone with this older couple. (Not pictured, Me.)

Recently I was talking to this older couple on the phone and the male said something, but then he started coughing so he had to hand off the phone to the female who started talking to me for a bit.  Then she started sneezing, so she handed the phone back to the male so she could go sneeze.  In the midst of all this, I was getting exhausted trying to keep up with this relay race they were having with me and I observed that this should have been some sort of Olympic event.  Then all kinds of Olympic events came to mind that make me bitter and so, the Bitterlympics were born.

The Ultimate Prize

The Ultimate Prize

As the creator of the event, it is instrumental that I pick the location of the games very carefully.  If your country wants to be picked, your country must do its best to have the most attractive locations, but more importantly the most attractive bribes for me.

As you know, it is a prestigious honor to be the host of the Bitterlympics as billions of people across the world will tune into your city for two weeks, and then just as quickly abandon it with 100’s of venues and 100’s of thousands of empty apartments for your city to go into debt over the next 100 years.  But you, as the official briber of your country will profit, so make sure you get creative with your bribes and get them in early.

Now get some of your most finely tuned, fully “not at all enhanced” athletes (that we will totally look the other way on) and sign up for a few of the many events that your country can compete in.

Paperwork swimming –  This event will discourage even the most optimistic athletes in the world.  An overbearing boss will come to your desk with loads of paperwork and pile it on your desk.  Your challenge will be to swim through the excessive amount of paperwork that I’ve been avoiding for years and complete it.  In the meantime, more paperwork will be added along with TPS progress reports. The original athletes are still working on it, but hopefully someday soon we will have a gold medal winner!

Paperwork swimming.

Paperwork swimming.

Javelin Hearting – This huge challenge will pit the athletes with their lifelong crush. The contestants will finally get a little facetime with the crush they have been pining after for weeks, months, or even years.  Flirtations will happen, a first and second date will ensue, and perhaps even a dreamy kiss at the door, and then, the crush will do what it does best. Crush the contestant with a javelin to the heart.  The winner will be the one that uncurls from their ball of bitterness fastest and gets the least amount of revenge against their crush years later.

Javelins through heart.

Javelins through heart.

Bargain hunting – The athletes will be world class bargain hunters from the fields of grocery, outlets, thrifts stores, and mall shopping. The world’s best will be set loose in the world’s largest, stingiest and highest class retail store in the world, where they will compete to hunt down the one item on sale in the entire store.

Bargain hunting.

Bargain hunting.

100 Meter Fly – Each contestant will need to race to four laps back and forth to reach the 100 meter distance then hop out of the pool to obtain the best weapon against the annoying fly that is buzzing around the room.  Find that rolled up newspaper or towel!

100 meter fly swatting.

100 meter fly swatting.

Party Diving – This event will be one of the most challenging yet! Introverts are driven to a party where they only know one person and that person is whisked away immediately for a meeting. Athletes are expected to dive right in and meet new people and are faced with the most challenging task yet! Small talk! How’s the weather? Who do you know? What is your favorite color? Who can survive the party the longest, before jumping out of the party for air?

Will you survive the Party gauntlet?

Will you survive the Party gauntlet?

Horsing around – This equestrian event takes the elite mannered of the world, ones raised on manners, proper etiquette, the finest children of the 1%er’s and puts them in a room full of shenanigans.  The one that can remove the stick from their butt, becomes disowned and loses their trust fund fastest and has the most fun horsing around, will obtain the goldest of medals.

Horsing around.

Horsing around.

Weightlifting – These athletes are the strongest in the world. Able to leap the highest buildings, fly the highest in the sky and lift the most weight.  But how are they at carrying the heavy burden of guilt? Athletes are given mothers that “just want them to come see me every once in a while”, and fathers that “want them to work in the family business, because it has been in the family for generations, even though you want to run off and work in some big city like Los Angeles to be an actor”.  Will those with strong arms and back be able to handle to burden of expectations and guilt?

Can you handle the guilt?

Can you handle the guilt?

Will you be strong enough to survive the Bitterlympics? Will you triumph over expectations to win that gold medal and get that exclusive interview with Bob Costas? Will your country come through with the most Bitter Medals? Or will your optimism and positivity be your greatest downfall?  Be a Bithlete or support your countries bitterness this summer on the Bitter Entertainment Network(the BEN)!

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitterlympics Ben

Fit Bitterness

Who's ready to get into their dad bodest shape?

Who’s ready to get into their dad bodest shape?

It’s mid January, which means all your dreams of getting in shape have been dashed like the Death Star at the end of Star Wars (spoiler warning too late if you haven’t seen a movie that came out in 1977).  Though I can find bitterness in even the most benign situations, other less bitter individuals such as everyone else that isn’t me, need broken goals or broken dreams in order to feel bitterness.

Most people need help getting in to that place.  While I’m about the least helpful person I know, when it comes to helping people become bitter, let’s just say I’m pretty good at helping push people off a cliff.

You know how the latest fitness craze is those stupid watches that have a pedometer that count your steps so you know that you made it 10,000 steps in a day? Like the 10,000 steps is a magical amount that guarantees success in life? If that were true I would have been three times as successful in life in December 2013 when I was in Orlando, FL on a six-amusements-park-in-seven-days binge.  When in fact, that was the least successful time in my life. I was suckered losing so many dollars by the evil Disney corporation, that the only change I got back was bitterness.  And that was just the money for parking.

How Disney gets money from me.

How Disney gets money from me.

What I’m trying to get at is that I have a new device coming out called the Fit Bitterness.  This device will get you to a place of bitterness WAY before January 15th. In fact, this device will pre-sabotage your goals of getting in shape and get you to bitterness way before you got there previously.

Since most of you will buy this Fit Bitterness for Christmas or for your December birthday, it will get you in bitter mode way before the new year.  This device will do the same thing as a Fit Bit, but will enhance you laziness in other ways.  It will discourage you from getting up from the couch.  It will encourage you to order extra cheese on your extra cheese pizza.  It will encourage you to find a job where sit down 90% of the day and move you into not moving 99% of the time(nobody’s perfect..ly bitter like me).

As you know, getting less fit is also greatly increased by stress. This watch will encourage you to get in messes you don’t normally get into.  Talking to a boss or other authority figure you normally avoid.  Going to a party where a crush is flirting with other people.  It will even get you to watch the political debates.  It will get you to care about your social media, and even get you to watch the Kardashians show where they complain about losing an earring in the ocean and wanting you to feel sorry for them.

But wait, there's less!

But wait, there’s less!

Now that you are properly hyped about all the features, and are unable to think about anything else until you can get your hands on one, here is your chance to pre-order one. All you have to do is send me $19.99 and pay the shipping and handling of $10,000(hey, shipping has gone up a tad in the last few days) to get it to you by December 24, 2020.  Start your stress today!

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Fit Bitterness Ben

Bitterly Depressing Friday Giftures

 

Yesterday was so depressing. Some weirdos in Florida and California took my winning lottery tickets from me, my idol and hero who played all the best villains, Alan Rickman died(Hans Gruber AND Snape. Two of the most bitter guys in cinema.) and once again my book didn’t get published.  Some say you should actually have organized words all down on a piece of paper or a computer file in order to get a book published, but why should I do all the work? Isn’t that what publishers and editors are supposed to do? How are they supposed to make any money if aren’t coming to me demanding that they get the opportunity to publish my unorganized words? In honor of the the depressingness that was yesterday and the future depressingness of today in that I am not chowing down on my Friday pizza right now, let’s take a look at some moving giftures of other people, places and things being depressed.

Uggghhh, already, I can see…

Already

…this post is turning out to be garbage.

 Another depressing cat video…

d

…this is a catastrophe.

Oh, oh, oh, here we go, another guy that’s gonna fall on his face….

dsf

…ugh, what a bitter disappointment.

Ooh, ooh, maybe this kid will cry if…

d

…we put some brown stuff on our faces.  Uhh, what is the brown stuff?

Oh yeah, entitled kid getting whatever she wants…

...

…let’s all Rapunzel our hair down.  What? These are characters from Frozen? Well they don’t look very Frozen to me…  

Wow, some people are pretty dumb…

sdf

…like for instance this guy that voluntarily put pants on…

The most depressing part of this gif…

derploma-might-be-the-most-legendary-graduation-picture-ever-taken-photos-16

…is that they are having an actual graduation for a kindergartner. He gets one for passing advanced naptaking? If that’s the case, where’s my doctorate?

Oh, my gosh, I feel so bad…

sdf

…for that car.  Do you see how many rednecks are surrounding it? 

Now let’s just stop horsing around…

dsf

…or someone is going to get flattened.

I know Judge Judy…

sdf

…my eye rolls exactly.

Exactly what happens to me..

dfsd

…when I get to work.

And what happens…

..

…when I try to leave work on Friday. 

 

Alright that’s enough depression for one week.  Now If we could just go back to being bitter, that would be great.

 

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Depression Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bitter Journey through Google Search

My version of an inspirational quote.

My version of an inspirational quote.

One of my bitter enemies, “The Inspirational Philosopher”, the ones that wake up every morning and look at their face in the mirror and repeat mantra’s like “This is going to be a great day”, and “What inspirational thing can I learn from all the stupid mistakes I made yesterday?” start their days journey in a number of ways.  They think good thoughts, they eat good breakfasts, they read inspirational things, they watch uplifting shows.  Their main purpose in life is to look every single challenge in the face and take something good out of it.

The main arrow in their quiver dipped in Kryptonite is the inspirational quote.  They plaster them all over twitter, Facebook, even plaster inspirational quotes Instagram. Any situation they are in, they can pull out a quote to make you feel worse about yourself (though to them it seems to be helping). Whether they are at work or school or the gym or the grocery store, shoot you in the face with their stupid quotes.

Something like, “Every journey begins with the first step”.  In the same vein, every Google search begins with pretty much every thought ever.  Like when you are watching the Golden Globes and you see someone that looks familiar, so you type IMDB in Google, because you are too lazy to type .com and then you find the actor.  But the Google prompt comes up with a word that you find interesting and you go search them, then that leads you to remember that you needed to look something up for your school project, then to a click bait thing at the bottom of the website and all of a sudden you are reading “10 Stars Who Have Aged Horribly and you won’t Believe #6” and ordering a pizza from Pizza Hut(not that there is anything wrong with that) even though you just ate dinner and you can’t remember what you were originally searching for.

How did I end up here again?

How did I end up here again?

It’s like this epic journey that began with a single step(the actor’s name) lead you to stuffing your face with Pizza Hut.  Does this mean I have ADD? Does it mean that the internet really is the Matrix leading you to a decision, while simultaneously making you think it was your choice to order pizza? Or does it just mean that all things lead to me having pizza?

If you think about the population of the world (or universe) as the internet and each of us is a single website and we are all connected somehow, does that mean that Google is the great deity in the sky that is trying to connect us all (and what does that make Bing)? Does that mean that all of us could be connected directly, by just clicking a simple link? Is Facebook like our family where we simultaneously so comfortable that we go to them all the time, and on the other hand want to quit them at the same time? And are click-bait things at the bottom of websites people that are toxic(or talks-ic) to us? Do we move on from people as quickly as we do websites? What is it about the web that makes it so easy to start and so hard to quit?  Why does the journey of Google get us so off the rails sometimes? What does all this mean?

Since walking on a trail to Mordor with a ring will never be my journey, maybe the World Wide Web is my journey to figure out. Thankfully this journey can be done on the couch with ability to order pizza.

What am I supposed to learn from all this? And what metaphors do you take from this?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitterly Long Journey Ben

Bitter Billionaire Ben

Not winning this (just kidding, I better.)

Not winning this (just kidding, I better.)

Since I probably won’t win that Powerball thingy because I’m not really a 1 in a billion odds kind of winner, I need to rethink the way I’m going to get the dollars in your pockets to mine.  I tried to build the world’s strongest vacuum that would suck the money directly from your wallets, but so few of you carry cash and store your money in vaults you call banks.  So it looks like I’m going to have to get you hand over your money voluntarily. Some Solomon guy said, “A fool and his money are soon parted” and I would have used that method, but I’m a bigger fool than the rest of you.

I decided to look at the business model of one the richest industries in the world right now.  You know, the ones that are vacuuming the most money from my wallet (besides the government. They are just the bullies taking every kids money.)

sdf

Let’s Oragami!

I’m talking video games.  They pretty much rule the world right now.  If you don’t believe me, look at how much money some of the best video games make compared to the best movies. Star Wars is set  US domestic weekend sales record of $250 million and right now stands at $815 million after 25 days.  Super impressive right? Well, take a video game called Grand Theft Auto 5 that came out in Sept 2013.  It made $800 million too.  In 24 hours.  Just in the U.S. Even more impressive than that, I have a game that I purchased in Sept 2011 that I played as recently as two days ago.  And I didn’t just spend $60 dollars on it either.  There is this thing that video games do that at first blew people’s minds that people would actually pay for.  To the people in the know, it’s called DLC.  It’s short for DownLoadable Content.

Behold, the magical Horse Armor.

Behold, the magical Horse Armor.

In fact, it was so ludicrous that the first offering that came out was a piece of horse armor and people laughed so hard, they were convinced no one would ever pay for it.  But they kept coming out with it and people started accepting it. Now, it is almost an essential part of a game.  When you buy a game, you can then buy a season pass, which allows you new levels or game maps, new gun skins(a way to customize how your gun looks), new characters or avatars and a number of other things.  If you play a game online, it is almost essential you get all of it, or you can’t compete.

And don’t think it has affected almost everyone that even plays games on your phone, casually.  Ever played Candy Crush? Weren’t patient enough to wait for another diamond? You can pay actual money to get more diamonds or whatever.

So this is my key to being Bitter Billionaire Ben.  I let you read the beginning of the blog posts for free, but get you so hooked on the words I write, that you have to know how it all ends. And I let you read the end, but only if you pay like a billion dollars to finish.  Or $2.99.  I haven’t decided which.  So who wants to know how it all finis….

Insert $2.99 to see how this post ends…

If I were a movie…Dot, Dot, Dot

The guys responsible for writing my post yesterday. Hacks.

The guys responsible for writing my post yesterday. Hacks.

First of all, to those that read that garbage that was on this blog yesterday, that was just inexcusable. I blame someone else, as per usual. The dog ate my homework, the cat wouldn’t stop shedding all over, the hamster wouldn’t stop running in circles…is what I would say if I had any of those things.  What really happened was some monkey’s hacked my WordPress account and decided to give up halfway through the post.  Actually, it was the sitcom writers over at CBS. Regardless, if you read yesterday, you deserve you money back.  So write CBS for that.

I could bearly handle watching them last night.

I could bearly handle watching Golden Globes last night.

Now, on to the bitterness at hand. As you know the Golden Globes were last night and it got me thinking. If I were a movie, what kind would I be?  I would not be not be a romantic comedy. I’m not romantic, I’m not attractive, I don’t walk around the city drinking coffee staring wistfully at leaves, and I don’t live in New York or LA. I absotively, posolutely, despise writing cliche dialogue. Any time I catch myself saying or writing that kind of stuff, I punch myself in the knee (you thought I was gonna say face, right?)

The most important reason why I can’t be a romantic comedy, is because people in those movies talk in paragraphs.  I speak one liners.

So I’ve decided that I am an action movie.

I’m sure you are laughing uncontrollably right now, imagining me stumbling around the world, trying to kill terrorists with eye patches, and evil bitter smirks.  You are probably laughing when you imagine me trying to diffuse a bomb, with my sticky fingers after eating too many glazed doughnuts.  Or being confident in the one on one battle of wits in my face to face meeting with the villain. Action seems to be in complete contrast of my personality.  But I’m not talking about being the Ethan Hunt guy, or even the Benji of Mission Impossible. I would be the assistant security guy that guards the doors at the CIA.  I wouldn’t be the James Bond guy, or the even the Q, I’d be the guy that gets coffee for the guy that gets Q coffee.

When I say I’m the one liner guy, I mean just ONE line.  Also when I said I can’t write cliche dialogue? That polar opposite happens when I actually talk out loud. I would be the guy at the front desk that says, “The boss will see you now.” except I would try to make a joke out of it and say, “Would you like coffee, tea, or punch?” and they would say, “Punch?” and I’d be like okay, “Here’s your punch!” and punch them in the knee. Of course, they would knock me out immediately.(Alright, maybe the two liner guy.  Sometimes these things take a little time to set up.)

Other lines I would deliver:

As the guy in the car waiting in traffic because there was a 30 minute car chase that destroyed every other car and most of downtown. “Do you think I could save 15% or more on my car insurance by switching to Geico?” to no one in particular.

As the guy in the building that was destroyed by alien robots flying through the building, “Man, rent has gone through the roof this month,”  to no one in particular.

As the guy who was is getting a bagel at the bagel store, that is getting ripped to shreds by two guys fighting. “Does anyone know if the buy 12 bagels, get a free one is still going on?” to no one in particular.

As a guy in a subway car that just got derailed and saved by a guy dressed in a Spiderman costume. “This subway system is almost as bad at the sub I had at Subway last night,” to no one in particular.

sdfdf

Subway was pretty bad for you last night too huh? 

As a guy at the Christmas party at Nakatomi Plaza finding out that their boss was just taken hostage. “Does this mean we aren’t getting our Christmas bonuses this year?” to no one in particular.

A guy that is part of a club of people that fight a lot to someone at work the next day. “Dude, I gotta tell you about this Fight Club I was at last night!” to someone in particular.

Actually, it would probably be better if I was the bitter guy in a disaster movie. Otherwise known as my life.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Guy and a Movie Ben