Dental Friday Giftures

 

I’m no an Anti-Dentite(yes Jerry, I’m bringing it back) but I just paid a visit to my dentist and his crew on Wednesday.  And these guys and girls were all swagging around the DO (Dentist’s Office) like they owned the place (they really only own part of the place).  These guys and girls think they are the baddest administrators of pain on the planet. And they may intimidate kids with their drills and their floss and their water sucking thingys, but I was not intimidated at all.  “Oooh your going to give me some xrays?  I’m so scared.  In fact, why don’t you leave the chest plate protector off this time.  Like I’m afraid of a little radiation.”  They were all like, “We’re gonna give you some numbing for the pain of the drilling of these cavities”, and I’m like, “I don’t need drugs, drill on my teeth for two hours with your little bunny needles and kitty drills.  I’m not afraid of your little Dentite ways.”  And they were like “We’re going to floss your teeth and put some fluoride on it.” And I’m like, “OOOOh, I’m so scared.” and they were like, “Actually this shouldn’t hurt.” and I’m like “Exactly.”

The dentites”claim” they read my blog.  Well, Dentites, it’s time to put your money where your perfectly teethed mouths are.  I’m going to show you some gifs about how your crew operate over there and I want to see some commentage in the section below.  Otherwise, I don’t believe you are the baddest Dentists, Dental Assistants, Dental Hygienists, Scheduling Coordinators, and Financial Coordinators  of pain that you claim you are.

In the meantime, let’s show you how they work…

First thing they do….

///

…is welcome you to their incredible parking area.

Next...

...

…they provide a convenient way up to their 4th floor facility. 

Then, they set you up…

...

…in a comfortable position in their waiting room while they are in a 2 hour meeting.

After waiting in the waiting room for a while..

didnt-see-any-of-that-coming-12-gifs-3

…they ask you to trust them and come on forward, I mean back, yeah back!

And then they are like….

didnt-see-any-of-that-coming-12-gifs-5

…wait, wait, wait,  never mind, we’re not quite ready for you.

Finally, they say they are ready for you…

 ...and they set you up in a really comfortable chair.

…and they set you up in a really comfortable chair.

Next, they put a drill in your mouth and then start asking questions…

daily-afternoon-randomness-45-photos-3

…and you’re like….

Then, they ask…

...

…would you like any anesthesia? 

And then….

...yeah bring it on...

…they start excavating…

And just when my jaw has opened 180 degrees…

dsfdf

…can you open a little wider please?

And then the dentist….

sdfsdf

…steps out of his office…

and asks, “Are you feeling any pain?…

....

….and I’m like noooooo…uhhhhh…I’m fine….

And on the way out they hand you your bill…

...can we see you in six months

…and I’m like…Gotta Go…

 

All the work these guys go to and still, I’m like, “So when do we get started? Oh, you’re finished? Geez, I was just getting warmed up! Well I guess if you wimps are done, you’ll need a week to recover? What, six months? Wow, I just don’t see why people are afraid of you….”

See you in six months, Dentites….

Bitter Dental Ben

My Bitter Travels

Most of you could get a pretty good read of who I am as a person by reading what I put out on this blog (I.E. a penchant for laying on the couch and eating pizza), and judge me as lazy and you would be right.  However, if you said something like,”That guy probably never leaves his house,”for once, you would be wrong.  Not that I have wanderlust or anything, because traveling just happens to me.  I go places all the time, and while I never get jetlag, my travels do leave me exhausted.  Come with me on my journeys of the many cities, towns, villages, townships, villas, and municipalities, hamlets, burghs, boroughs, settlements, and metropolises(metropolisi?.)

 

The first stop on our un-epic journey is Fantasyland(and I’m not talking Disneyland). This is a place where I am an incredible inventor of thousands of things that would make my life and your life way more bitter. I dream of a Fantasyland where ideas are made into inventions, or products or places whenever I think of them.  They don’t take hard work, or ingenuity or anything other than a problem, and my fantastically bitter idea to fix it.

Where I go to be alone.

Where I go to be alone.

Isolation island – Speaking of fantasy lands, I like to go visit Isolation Island a lot.  It’s a world of wonder where I get to be all alone for a while.  The best part about it is that I visit there at some of the most inopportune times.  While at a party, during work, driving home, on a crowded city, etc.  All decisions made are mine and they are final.  I get to make a mess there, and I don’t have to clean it up.  The weather is perfectly terrible there and I don’t even need a passport to get there.  They do a lot of paragliding and gravity is way lighter so I can jump higher to get those coconuts.

Writer Land – There is a Writer Land in Fantasy Land and Isolation Island, but my trips there vary.  Sometimes ideas are stopped up by Writer’s Block Dam, but every once in a while, Writer’s Block Dam bursts and ideas flow out like a volcano exploding, destroying everything else in it’s path.  When the happens, I try to stay in Writer Land as long as possible, but usually Reality and Forgetfulness and Time patch up Writer’s Block Dam pretty fast, so trips here are pretty infrequent.

In writer land you can even write in the sky.

In writer land, you can even write in the sky.

Denial City – This is the first stage of grieving and where I like to spend the most time of the grieving process.  Moving on isn’t what I do.  If it comes down to sitting on the couch and eating pizza and my feelings and being in Denial City or moving off the couch and moving on to another stage, I’ll always choose Denial City.  So much better to pretend things are fine than face reality and know that they aren’t fine.  Denial City also is great for pretending you forgot to pick up your plate or your clothes off the floor.  “I didn’t do it” is Denial City’s motto.

Space out Galaxy –  I go to this place when I don’t sleep a lot.  I always visit randomly.  When I’m in the middle of a large spreadsheet, or being lectured by someone or a in a boring meeting, or when boring people talk to me, I all of a sudden appear here.  Visits can happen anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes and everytime I visit there something more crazy, more fantastical and more random happens.  It’s so unpredictable that you want to stay, but the trip back ALWAYS sucks.  Worse than losing your luggage.  Your lecturer finally notices and yells at you to snap out of it, or your spreadsheet all of a sudden re-appears, or your meeting all of a sudden gets heated.  Great place to visit, but always some pretty bad jet lag on the return trip.

Huh, what did you say? I'm in Space out Galaxy right now.

Huh, what did you say? I’m in Space out Galaxy right now.

Bitter Valley – Not really a place I visit, because it is home.  But it is becoming a more popular place to visit, ever since I started blogging about it, and told people it was acceptable to be here more. Now it seems like it is becoming more a of touristy valley to visit.  While you are here, don’t forget to visit the Complaining Museum, and the Bitter Revenge Cafe, which always serves dishes cold.  Most people return back to Happy Valley eventually, but more and more people are staying here.  There goes the neighborhood.

Reality Metropolis –  This place is the worst, because even though I like to work from Bitter Valley, eventually I have to commute there at least once a week.  The traffic there is terrible, stacks and stacks of work is always there to greet you, and Boredomburgh is one of the worst neighborhoods to drive through.   The only places to visit there are Spreadsheet Stadium, Staples, and Bland Food Restaurant.  Whatever you do, avoid this place whenever possible.

Well, I’m really exhausted from all my travels, and  I have to go to Reality Metropolis soon.  And I assume you have to go there as soon as you finish reading this post, but stay a little longer.  Read some other posts that will delay your trip juust a little longer.

What cities, towns, burghs or lands do you like to visit when you don’t have to go to Reality Metropolis?

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Verocity Ben

Bitter August Everyone!

Yes, all the interesting things about me.

Yes, all the interesting things about me.

Yes, I am aware that it is no longer August anymore.  Do I look calendarly deficient to you? I am able to read a calendar.  But everyone seems to be in such a celebration mode about it being September already when August on our calendar less than 7 hours ago (as of press time). Rah, Rah yeah its September, some will say.  Let’s have a celebration because now fall can begin.  Let’s celebrate the new school year (which by the way is my kid’s first day. I bet you can’t wait to check my Facebook and see their new outfits!), and let’s pound each other’s fist’s because football is finally back and the nerds can do their fantasy football, and the jocks can run into tackling dummies and the cheerleaders can stand in the freezing rain and cheer us to come to their annual car wash (yes, I would like to pay $20 toward your camp in exchange for a mediocrely done car wash that the rain is doing right now for free.)

And let’s begin the holiday quadrant of the year.  Starting in September, we start getting actual holidays that give us the day off.  Well, actually we don’t get Halloween off, even though according to some reports more money is spent for Halloween than any other holiday, including ***gasp*** Christmas.  Things get cooler out, snow storms are coming soon, and more time with family, yeah! Less time to be lazy, yeah!

So before September takes over the monthly month duties, let’s look back at August, bitter August, because dwelling on the past is always the best thing to do.  August is the Sunday night of months.  You know Sunday night.  It’s still part of the weekend.  You aren’t hunched over your computer, looking at emails that you wish were accidentally deleted.  You aren’t traveling from Lakeland, FL to Laredo, TX to give a presentation that nobody is listens to.  You aren’t in a meeting about mandatory TPS reports.

But you are at home, still exhausted from all the things you did over the weekend, but regretting all the things you didn’t do.  You didn’t take a long enough nap.  You took out the garbage instead of laying on the couch that one time.  You worked outside on your garden that no one is ever going to see, instead of watching that gardening show with your eyes closed.  Yes, the Sunday night dread before a loooong work week ahead.  Except the Sunday night dread, is extended for a whole month called August.  The month before school starts.

For the parents...

For the parents…

And don’t say you don’t care about school starting because you have been out of school for 10 years.  It doesn’t matter.  If you have kids in school, you might as well be going to school yourself.  You are doing their homework, making their lunches, hearing all about their tests every day, hearing all about their favorite new bullies, being their favorite person to talk about all their problems at school, or being their favorite person to avoid when they don’t get good grades.  You have a teacher that keeps telling you about all the extra time you should be spending with your kids at home in math and reading that you don’t have time for and all of a sudden, not only are you doing your job, but you are back at school again.  Fundraiser for this.  Bake sale for that.  School barbecue, school play, school soccer game, school bingo.  And if you don’t have kids, you are still dealing with that heavily increased school traffic.

And August is there, the whole month, taunting you, giving you the pre-school (not preschool) anxiety.  Hurry take one more vacation.  Spend one more day out on an adventure.  This is the last time you’re going to be able to do this, this summer. This is the last time you’ll get before school starts.  Go buy school clothes, get those supplies, make sure everything is done OR YOU WILL FAIL….as a parent…as a student…

Let's talk about our anxiety in a chill environment bro.

Let’s talk about our anxiety in a totally chill environment, bro.

August is that nervous buddy of yours that just wants you to be able to relax, come on over and “chill”.  I’m still cool, it’s still summer, we can just hang out.  But when you get there, all he wants to do is tell you about all his problems.  He’s always worried about the future, and can never live in the present.  I can see why they called that movie about the kid that saw music everywhere August Rush.  Because despite the fact that August should be enjoyed as a month, because it is still summer, it is always in a “Rush” to get to September. No wonder he’s so bitter. Sorry, I gotta go now.  It’s September.

...and your anxiety will be riddled.

…and your anxiety will be riddled.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter August Rushing Downs Ben

Bitter Rivalry of The Week – Burger King vs. McDonald’s

Yeah, it’s Mondayyyyy! My favorite day of the week except every other day except Tuesdayyyy.  Moving on from that sarcasm, I was walking to the library the other day(not to read, but because they have free internet there), and a lightbulb hit me over the head.  Not an idea, but an actual lightbulb.  It kind of hurt because it was still hot from being removed from its socket.  Not the kind of hurt that will make you go to the hospital, but the kind of hurt that will stick with you like hot pizza on the roof of your mouth.

Tired of searing the roof of his mouth when he ate pizza, Gary swore by his new Pizza Shield.

Speaking of the roof of your mouth, what is it really covering? Your tongue? Seems like if you are considered a roof, you should provide a little more coverage.  The roof of my house covers like three or four bedrooms, a couple of bathrooms, a living room, dining room and a kitchen.  At least the roof is covering something besides a tongue.  The only time I even remember I have a roof on my mouth is when it is getting burned by pizza.  Coming back to my point, I actually did have an idea.

Since I write about rivalries a lot (or at least I want to, but sometimes don’t because it seems overused) I decided that I’m going to feature a Bitter Rivalry of the Week, every single week (to assure that it is overused).  I’m going to feature everything from real life rivalries that people know and care about to little known or maybe previously unknown rivalries that you probably never even thought of until I actually pointed them out.  So get ready for some intense bitter rivalries and some that you won’t care at all about.  Feel free to comment on who you think the winner was in the comments.

McDonald's vs...

Burger King vs…

giphy (6)

McDonald’s…

This week’s bitter rivalry is Burger King vs. McDonald’s.  As you may know, last week Burger King took out an ad in the paper calling upon McDonald’s to put their petty rivalry aside and combine Burger’s for a day (A Whopper and the Big Mac combo called the McWhopper) in the spirit of National Peace Day and sell the Burger’s for charity.

At first, it seemed Burger King had the upper hand, because what would McDonald’s do? Refuse to help? Look bad by not combing for National Peace Day? But McDonald’s responded by saying “our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference” and “between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.”

So, who wins the Bitter Battle of Burgers? Is it Burger King’s sarcastic but pretty cool idea to come together for a day and do something good together? Or McDonald’s crackback by using a more serious, “we could do something better” and “we’re just friendly business competition” thing?

Who has the better burgers? The best fries? The best drive thru? The best playland? Who has the creepiest mascot?

McDonald's....

McDonald’s….

200 (7)

…or Burger King’s.

Who has the best website? Type in http://www.bitter.com to find out who stole  part of my soul.

Let me know who you think wins this rivalry.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Rivalry Ben

Bitter News From the Couch Vol. 2

There’s nothing better than waking up early on a Sunday, sun is shining, birds are chirping, a cool breeze coming in through the window and you feel in your bones it is going to be a great day, and then you turn on the TV and the news comes on.  Oh, yeah, I forgot, the news is always a sunshiny and happy.  Well, not on my watch.  Not only am I going to deliver the news in as lazy a way as possible, but also as bitterly as possible.  So sit back, enjoy your eggs, and be view some Bitter News from the Couch…again.

 

Clawing your way to the Middle Friday Giftures

Remember when you were a kid and you played baseball or soccer or gymnastics and you didn’t get first, second or third so they gave you a participation badge? Remember those summers when you just wanted to stay inside all the time and just watch TV?  Remember those times when you were in a group project at school and you didn’t really contribute to the project and didn’t really care if your group got an A or a C? You are a non participator and a mediocrotist, my acquaintance.  And you spent all week reaching for the middle.  You deserve an average post from an average blog that is just aiming to maintain the status quo.  Keep clawing your way to mediocrity!  And have a Friday….

Bull riding is way too scary for you…

...try a less intense Corgi instead.

…try a less intense Corgi instead.

You’re never going to get into the spotlight for being the fastest man alive….

...but knocking him over with a Segway...now that you can do.

…but knocking him over with a Segway…now that you can do.

You may not be able to lift weights worth a darn…

nailed-it-34-photos-1

…but laying down or falling down with them…that you can do.

You gonna be the next Rousy or Mayweather?…

sdfd

…I’m thinking nnnnnaaaattt. 

How about the next…

1267053269_failpunch

…Floyd Coldweather instead…

No one has perfected the “just don’t care”…

///

…like you do my average friend. 

Congrats on making even a dunk on a 7 foot hoop…

...

…look exceptionally hard. 

Tell me what you love about me honey…

...well your soda of course.

…well your soda of course.

Even the way you go isn’t going to be in some massive explosion…

df

…just some tiny Nerf war. 

The way you start your gymnastics career?…

...

…by making a splash…an average splash. 

The way you start you Nascar career?…

dfdf

…with a crash…a very average crash.

Ride like the wind people….

sdf

…actually the wind feels a little too fast today. 

Hey not all of us can be superstars.  Most of us really.  They call it average for a reason.  So go out there with your mediocre selves and do what you do best! Nothing! Bitter Friday, everyone!

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Middle of the Line Ben

 

 

 

 

Surviving Work Disasters Bitterness

How we survive Work Disasters.

How we survive Work Disasters.

There have been a lot of big disasters lately.  Floods in Colorado, a government that is so lazy that they are making excuses about why they can’t “come in to work today” (something about their healthcare, IE faking sick again) and the ending of Breaking Bad(I heard it was a show about chemistry.  Uh, wow that sound sooo interesting).  I know I should be more concerned about all these things, but I am trying to fight the good fight on more pressing things.  There are disasters that have happened at work that just take way more time and energy.

You have no idea how much trouble a coin in one of these machines can cause.

You have no idea how much trouble a coin in one of these machines can cause. Make sure you are prepared.

You may not remember the Coin in the Ice Machine crisis of early May or June, (it was such an ordeal that I can’t remember when it was), but I do.  This disaster started when someone….how do I explain the complexeties of this matter in a way that makes sense…someone dropped a coin in the ice machine.  This caused all kinds of stress and questions.  The supervisor was called in to handle this delicate, yet very frustrating matter.  So many questions were floated.  Should we call our building maintenace? How about the police?  Would the Fire Department be a better choice, so they can use some of the fire they carry around to melt the ice?  Many issues were discussed in detail, so much so, that co-workers had to put actual work aside so we could make it through this crisis.  This disaster was much bigger than us.  After much kvetching, and with the wisdom of the supervisor, a decision was made.  We would place a sign on the ice machine, alerting other employees not to use it, and then the contents of the ice machine would be emptied.  It was a tense time, having to wait out the hour before the drastic measure would be taken.  Drinks of water just didn’t seem as cold in that hour, but we soldiered on.  Just as we were about to excavate the ice to find out if the coin survived its harrowing time deep inside its ice tomb, the coin was discovered, nice and warm, in the pocket of the person who supposedly “lost” the coin.  Disaster averted, but not before some tense time of avoiding work.

The toxic coffee spill was this bitter.

The toxic coffee spill was this bitter.  How could I not underreact?

If that wasn’t bad enough, there was the Mid July eruption of Mount Coffeespill in Kitchenatwork, Washington. I remember exactly where I was when it happened.  I was sitting at my desk, avoiding work as usual, when the annoying voice of my co-worker rang out.  This was not the normal neurotic paranoid voice I was used to hearing.  It was a slightly elevated whine.  “There has been a spill in the kitchen.  Coffee is all over the floor.  What do we do?”  Somehow, the little hole of the coffee pot was slightly out of line with the drip line of the coffee and the person responsible left their responsibility.   My co-worker did the right thing coming to us for help.  You never want to attempt to clean up a spill by yourself.  A scientist would need to be called in, to test the toxicity of the coffee before any animals could be caught in the toxic sludge.  The supervisor was again called to the scene to ascertain what could possibly be done.  I was sitting in my cubicle, shirking duties as normal, when the call came.  “Ben, could you go into the bathroom and find the mop.  When you find it, could you bring it to me…in the kitchen.  We must, at all costs, find a way to clean this up!”  But what about all the chemicals?  Was it safe to clean up, when the scientists haven’t tested the coffee levels?  I’m not normally a brave person, but I leapt to action.  (By leapt, I mean after I did a quick eye roll safely behind my computer, then I stood up slowly like I always do.) I went into the bathroom, and bravely walked into the janitor’s closet, pushed aside all impeding obstacles,(stupid, evil garbage can) and grabbed the mop(by the handle, like a boss).  It seemed as if I was walking from the bathroom to the kitchen in slow motion (because I was) and I handed the mop to the supervisor, who proceeded to clean up the mess(without dying from the toxic ooze).  We survived the day, but we were never the same again.

The tense moment between when the computer turned off and when it restarted.

The tense moment between when the computer turned off and when it restarted.

This was nothing compared to Strange Thing showing up on Computeracalypse. Oblivious to other people’s problems as usual, I was working when I heard from the other side of the half wall, a co-worker complaining about something that was showing up on their computer “that just wasn’t right”.  After years of hearing disasters and crisis, I have become numb to “warnings” until it is almost too late.  So when I heard about that disaster, I just ignored it, until it was 3 hours later and the “weird thing” was still there.  It seemed that this was at such a critical level of making her uncomfortable that she just couldn’t concentrate on a mundane task like entering an order.  Something had to be done.  But what? Should IT be called in?  Should Microsoft’s CEO be called home from his vacation on his own island?  Should a special committee of the world’s greatest computer minds be called onto the scene to decide what must be done with this “weird thing” that was preventing any normal work to be done? I was about to think really hard, but decided against it, because that would hurt since I’ve never really done it.  It’s kind of like trying to lift a 200 lbs. weight when you’ve never lifted things in your life.  My mouth got the best of me though, and before I could control what came out of it, I said something I knew I would regret.  It was too late though.  Now everyone would know what a fraud I have been my whole life.  “Did you try to restart your computer?” I said.  IDIOT!  That never works!  Why would I ever say something so stupid!  All eyes locked on me.  It was over.  I started packing my stuff up to leave.  But the most amazing thing happened next.  They actually tried it. And it didn’t blow up our whole building.  Tense minutes later, it was discovered the that thing that “just wasn’t right” was gone.  Obliterated.  Although the anticipated ticker tape parade was cancelled because of weather(there was a light drizzle outside), celebrations of “Oh, I guess it worked” were thrown around.  I will never forget the day I saved that particular program from distracting a person from entering that $14.00 order.

I’m pretty bitter because those big disasters are the ones that get all the press and coverage, while the little disasters toil away in obscurity, hoping that someday, someone will tell their story.  But no one ever does and the disasters go about their day, every day doing what they do without any recognition except from the one or two people that lived through them.  And to the disaster, that is all that really matters. (Not really.  They want a parade.)

Arrrrrrgggghhhhh

Bitter Disaster Ben

 

 

 

 

Dear Dairy,

...until they forget how to drink milk.

Dear Dairy, you are so misunderstood. 

Dear Dairy,

I know you are all about choices, but let’s  just stop pretending that Skim and 1% should even exist. (At 1% you might as well drinking watered down water.) Let’s just start with 3 and 4%, then go to whole.  Or we could skip all those and start with Half and Half (doesn’t that just equal whole? I don’t know. I’m not a math wizard.) then move to cream.  Because cream really takes the cake.  And by taking the cake, I mean it makes the cake…better.  Sure eggs and sugar, and flavoring will always try to take the credit, but you dissolve the sugar and salt.  You hydrate the dry ingredients.   And you might not get along with oil, but at least you aren’t having bitter fights to the death like and water and oil do.

Oil vs. Water fight!

Oil vs. Water fight!

It must make you so bitter when people are so intolerant of you.  To see the protests and the chaos in the streets of people’s stomach’s, must just be so disheartening. All you are doing is trying to prevent oreoporosis and build strong bones but the stomach just seems to get so upset about it. Trust me, I can relate.  There is such a prejudice against Bitterness in this country. Everyone thinks we shouldn’t hold grudges and we should just move past things, and we should put on rose colored glasses, whatever that means.  What is so wrong about just having anger and disappointment about how you’ve been treated? Can we just let someone hold a grudge for 30 years over something little without being told we have to move on?  I swear.  Some people.  But enough about me.  It must be really hard for you not to get bitter when people would rather drink Silk or Almond Milk.

If it wasn’t for you, pizza would just be tomato paste, bread and some weird pineapple, Canadian Bacon and anchovie combo that only hipsters would tolerate.  If it weren’t for you, Mac and Cheese, would just be Mac, pasta would just be passe, and the Sausage McMuffin would just be a Sausage and a Muffin.

Thanks for being my motivational speaker, pizza.

Thanks for being my motivational speaker, pizza.

I appreciate you protecting my lazy bones from being broken.  I might not use my bones for large portions of the day, but at the precise moment I need them, they might feel sore, but at least they aren’t breaking.  If I tried to milk(pun ALWAYS intended) the calcium from other things, I would just have to taste gross things even more.  1 cup of milk, or 2 1/2 cup of Broccoli?  I’d vote for you as the president over that shady Trump haired broccoli any day.

Can you imagine trying to eat donuts without you? Or warm chocolate chip cookies? Or the worst thing ever without milk, Oreos? I don’t know about the other signs of the apocalypse, but if Oreos dropped from the skies without milk, you might as well tuck into the fetal position, because you are just going to have to ride out your last few minutes on this earth, because it is OVER.  And there won’t even be the comfort of a warm glass of milk to make the nightmares go away.

Correct.

Correct.

Good talk, Dairy.  Maybe we should talk again sometime.  Or not.  Because you can’t talk.  You are dairy.  And you come from cows.  And cows are kind of gross and stuff.  But keep making cheese! I can’t live without cheese.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter “Dear Dairy” Ben

Bitter News from the Couch Vol. 1

 

The nature of the news business is fast, quick, breaking and then stuck in the scrap heap.  You might be at the top of the news at 6 am, but by the 7 am news, nooobody really cares about you, or remembers who you are.  This might be why I just don’t care about the news.  Or it could be that politics bore me, traffic and the weather are just as easily figured out by going outside and feeling the air,  or looking at how many stupid cars are in front of you.  Other than that, it just a bunch of murders, robbings, financial crises, and politicians saying they will do something, then hoping we forget 3 days later(which 98% of us will unless it directly affects us). The Bitter Entertainment Network (B.E.N.) has no such illusions.  In fact, we don’t even call this news.  We call it old.  We take a couple of minutes to find a story, regardless of how old it is and tell you what makes us bitter about it.  Cause making videos takes time and I don’t have enough editors to bring it out as fast as a tweet.  Besides, this talking head is delivering this stuff from the couch, as unenthusiastically as possible.  And if I can’t find this on internet, I’m not delivering it.  So without further ado, Ben’s Bitter Blog presents…Bitter News from the Couch.

Bitter Payback Friday Giftures

 

It’s national get back that jerk at work day.  I’m not sure if that is true, but we are celebrating that on a local level and by local level, I mean on my level.  And by jerk at work, I mean whatever jerk you want to find to get back at.  If nothing else, you can find someone who is acting snotty, or cocky, or snooty, or lame, or whiny and make them pay.  Revenge is a dish best served cold, but maybe it being served way too hot could burn the roof of their mouth and that could be just as bad.  So Revengerman your way to the weekend, but there’s nothing better than being bitter.

Let’s teach these humans that without their sunglasses…

Let's get some of that

…their automatically turn into vampires…

Let’s curse them…

...until they forget how to drink milk.

…until they forget how to drink milk.

Don’t you dare mess with exercise…

...

…or we’ll shoot you down. (Mentally too.)

You think you are going to shovel the snow…

adfd

…think again.

On the other hand…

On the other hand...

…looks like you scored the winning goal.

And guys just stop talking…

sdf

…cause women will get their revenge.

And quit driving so slow in the fast lane…

...

…or this is gonna happen. 

And then the commute…

...

…is gonna go downhill from there. 

And don’t mess with the animals…

sdfdf

…cause they will mess right back.

And remember they don’t say it’s the easiest thing since sliced bread…

sdfdf

…it’s the bitterest thing. 

Hey and good job on that last play…

dfd

…and I’m really sorry about this…so sorry.

Don’t worry…

...I'll let it slide this time.

…I’ll let it slide this time.

And remember to look forward in white hot anticipation to my inaugural edition of Bitter News from the Couch coming on Sunday Morning.  If you haven’t seen the teaser for it, check it out right here.  If you have, view it again so you can remember why you are jonesing so hard for it in the first place.  Either way, you can get payback by watching it so many times it goes viral and I’m thrust into the spotlight, which I of course hate.

ARRRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Payback Gifture Friday Ben

Bitter Corrections

894

I think I’ll pass, bro.

Corrections are so annoying.  Some people like them, so they can improve themselves and make themselves better, but I never have.  First of all, why would you want to be and improve and be better when you can get angry and bitter? Second, the people doing the correcting always seem to think that they are better than you, so they dispense the “advice” to make you a better person.  I think there is this mythological idea people get in their heads that a future billionaire they gave advice to 20 years before will appear on MSNBC, and tell the reporter, “20 years ago, this one person told me ‘Work Harder, Not Smarter’ and I never forgot and that is why I invented the Doggie Doo game that makes me billions.” That is a fantasyland that advice givers live in.  I think that you need to become bitter in your own special way.   I take personal responsibility for my bitterness and no amount of other people correcting me is going to change that.  Here are some corrections you should always avoid.

Wow so shiny...and useless.

Wow so shiny…and useless. It couldn’t even get the Make Gifs at Gifsoup.com sign out of the way.

Pencils with erasers – Pencils with erasers are always trying to correct something.  Whether it is something you say that isn’t politically correct,  or saying something mean to someone in a letter.  Erasers rob you of your first instinct, which is almost always right. Just let your feelings be written out, without that  eraser threatening every pencil stroke with a performance review of your writing.   Let things be mispelled and don’t let erasers micromanage you.

Auto Tune –  “Artists” and “singers” and “rappers” started using this in songs to disguise their disgusting voices.  If I want people to hear my terrible voice, they are going to hear it and no amount of Auto Tune is going to stop that.  They can take me to prison for breaking windows or other people’s ear drums, but I will never let AutoTune make my voice sound exactly like yours.

The

So close and yet so far.

 

Auto correct – In the beginning, someone thought of auto correct as a good thing.  They thought, “Hey, people mispell things a lot (like I have ironically mispelled mispell four times now).  I’m almost 100% positive that people want to appear intelligent when they are texting other people, because texting isn’t about speedily sending someone a message. It’s more about conveying to someone how intelligent they are by making sure everything they send is 100% spelled correctly.  Let’s come up with a way that totally helps them, by correcting almost every word they say.”  But then it ended up backfiring by not correcting the words they say, but changing what they say.  To the most embarrassing possible alternative.  Because it’s important that texts never be misunderstood.  They won’t ever ruin relationships.  Or cause any misunderstandings.  Or embarrass people in front of their family or friends.

They totally won't notice my error now.

They totally won’t notice my error now.

That correction tape stuff – So you finally graduated from pencil to pen.  But pens can’t be erased.  What are you going to do? Well you’re going to make mistakes, genius.  If you don’t have mistakes hanging over your head, how will you be bitter? But some greedy person working at Universal or Post-It or Bic decided that yes we can correct pen mistakes.  We’ll create this correction tape, where we can slide this white tape over your errors and no one will ever know that you made a mistake.  It totally won’t draw attention to your obvious error.

Parents/teachers/mentors – Let’s give these geniuses all kinds of power to correct other people’s mistakes because “they have been there,” or “they are experts in their craft” or “they know some stuff”.  Oh so a parent has been there, so they know what it was like to be a kid.  But they don’t know how it was to be you.  No one will.  They don’t know how little you care for getting lectured and corrected apparently.

Correctional facilities – By bottling up rage, aggression, fear and anger in a tiny place, positive changes and corrections will occur.  The ones that display their emotions by acting outside the law are coming here to learn how to be more peaceful and law abiding.  Individuals that don’t want to be corrected so much that they break laws are going to come here and all of a sudden learn that they really do like being corrected.

I hope no one notices that I broke my arms in an embarrassing fashion.

I hope no one notices that I broke my arms in an embarrassing fashion.

Band aid/casts/bandages – Whenever I break a bone, or scrape myself up, I want everyone to know.  My favorite thing to do ever, is explain how my embarrassing inability to walk or swing my arms, or not pay attention to the pole in front of my face, so people such as yourself can see my cast and make me regale what the stupid thing I did to make me wear this stupid thing on my body.  Thank you band aid/bandage/cast!

Some people think that corrections are fun so they can learn.  But other people think they are stupid and you should stop trying to change me, jerks!

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Correction Ben

 

Bitter Brick Wall

I could do this all day.

I could do this all day.

In order to build a wall you need hard work, determination, drive and I think materials.  I don’t have any of those things.  When you are bitter like me, you will sometimes attract people that are happy that want to try to change you. Usually people like that do a lot of talking.  I know lots of people that can carry both sides of a conversation, which would be great if I didn’t have to be around to hear either one of them.  That is like double tourture or like having to hear twice as many people.  Because as you all know more than 1 other person might as well be a meeting and you know how I feel about meetings.  I don’t.

I may not be able to build a wall in my house that could hold up a piece of paper, but if you measure the strength of the emotional wall I’ve built up over the years, a Wrecking Ball a Mile(y) long wouldn’t be able to break it up.

So if you want to be like me(you don’t) then listen closely to my brick by brick advice on how to avoid your Big Bad Wolf.

LIke this.

Like this.

Brick #1: Be emotionally unavailable.  Many talkers/doers will try to find out your emotions.  They will want talk about how going to the store felt, or how being at your in-laws house for two weeks will feel to you.  Don’t bite.  Once they get just a little bit, they will want to talk about their feelings and hug and stuff.   Mix up some concrete, let that thing dry and don’t let anything seep between those bricks in your head.

Right after level 46! Right now I'm on level 1!

Right after level 46! Right now? Oh I’m on level 1…

Brick #2: Learn the art of ignorage. This is a hard one at first, but with a little practice and conditioning others will learn to not even try with you.  My favorite method is video games.  Fire up the old 60 inch television with a nice loud, surround sound, some eye blasting 1080p pixel perfection and enter a completely different blissful world where you are the only one that can save a dying planet.  There is no way you can pause this thing, because YOU are the only hope.  Now you just need to convince others around you to accept that.  The other thing that helps are headphones.  Always have them on, whether at work, in the car or at home.  There is nothing more off putting to talkers, then when they think you can’t hear them.  Music is optional.  If someone does try to talk to you, pull off your headphones and say, “What?” really loudly, then put them quickly back on.  After a few of those with your long talker, they will grow so frustrated with you that they will be desperate enough to talk to Check Cell Phone Every 30 Second Guy.

Reality.

Reality.

Where you are.

Where you are.

 

Brick #3: Practice the art of mind vacations.  This one is hard to pull off at first in a social situation, but with practice you can spend an entire conversation in Hawaii.  Novices will want to practice in a safe environment called a meeting.  Especially one where lots of long talkers are involved.  In a meeting you will need to be confident in a few key phrases like “Things are going really well”, or “our key demographics are starting to buy in certain categories”, or “our next trimester is going smoothly”.  After learning your Hawaiian dodge, dip and dive in meetings you will start to be able use it other places like performance reviews, parties and family get togethers.

Also works at home or in the car.

Also works at home or in the car.

Brick #4: Sleep a lot.  People usually ignore you when you are sleeping.  Though one time my boss didn’t like when I had imprints of my computer monitor on my face when I had a meeting with her.

A few more eye rolls, a couple sighs and you've got it.

A few more eye rolls, a couple sighs and you’ve got it.

Brick #5:  Practice negative body language. Learn the art of the blank stare, the eye roll, the slack jawed look, the head tilt, the heavy sigh, impatient clock look, the finger tap, the I’m busy concentrating on computer, cell phone, tablet, or laptop focus, the huh expression, the hold your hand over your ear thing, the fake tic, the listening to music/pretending to be on the phone say it again thing,  the bluetooth headset insult, or the most effective, mouth saying out loud to someone “Leave me alone!” thing.

Add some mortar of indecision, indecisiveness and speculation and you’ve got a nice solid, sturdy, don’t mess with me wall.  Well, you need a lot more bricks and a lot more mortar, but I’m not giving you everything.  If you want the whole wall, you’ll need to sign up for that class at the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness.  And that costs a lot of money.

Arrrggghhh

Bitter Brick Ben

Bitterly Scarred Part 1

tumblr_m7wuj0p5zq1rzxlsyo1_500

Too bad, cause I’m gonna tell you.

“You wanna know how I got these scars?” The Joker famously spouted this line several times in The Dark Knight.  None of the people he was telling really wanted to know, but didn’t really have a choice because he was going to tell them anyways.  Well, I guess I’m the Joker to you right now.  I’m going to tell you about my scars whether you like it or not.  Unlike the Joker, I won’t scar you for life, only for a few days, because I don’t have a maniacal laugh, just a bitter one.

Scar #1, hiding between Chin 1 and Chin 2.

Scar #1, hiding between Chin 1 and Chin 2.

My first scar is on the left side of my chin, along the jawline.  I got this one when I was just a budding bitter 5 years old, that demanded the finest things in life.  Peanut butter sandwiches had to be made of the finest Skippy and crusts must be cut.  The best 2% milk had to be served in only the finest red sippy cup and of course, I had to have the best toys.  The cars and dinosaurs that would be predecessors to the next decades Transformers, blocks that could cause optimal foot contusions when parents accidentally stepped on them at night, and most important my transportation.  The Big Wheel.  I don’t know if these are even made today (quickly checked Google.  They do.) but back then, they were all souped up with top flight accelerators and NOS boost.  

My Big Wheel was much better and NOS boostier.

My Big Wheel was much better and NOS boostier.

They of course banned that kind of stuff in the all of a sudden PC world of the 80’s and 90’s but back in the 70’s when I roamed the playgrounds, these were motorcycles of the day.  Anyways, some “claim” that I got my first scar from simply falling off the Big Wheel, but you can only find one person that will corraborate on that story, and she can’t she be trusted, because she only raised me.  I was there the whole time, so I’ll tell you the real story.  I was patrolling the area in my Big Wheel, looking for good guys(I was always the bitter bad guy, obvi) when I saw a rather large good guy with nice clean cut hair, and he was sneaking into our house by ringing the doorbell and politely asking if he could come in.  He had some sort of disgusting large smile across his face and he was clearly there for too nice of purposes.  Either offering to help us move something, bring us some food, or give us some money.

I could not let this good guy invade our home by doing something nice, so I leapt into action.  I hit the turbo booster on my Big Wheel (by pedaling really fast) and aimed directly for his ankles.  Just as I was about to hit his weak spot (his Achillies) he turned his foot to stop me, and I crashed.  Landed on my side, scraped up my precious bitter looking face, with the scar you see along my left jawline.  Of course, he said he was sorry and he was just there to visit my parents (he claimed he was some guy named Uncle) and he was there when I was born or something (like I could trust such benevolent intentions).

I knew he was up to good and I had to stop him.  So I stood up, bleeding chin and all, with my newly bent up Big Wheel laying on its pathetic side and tried to fight him, but my parents stopped me before I could. They proceeded to tell me I had to go to the hospital because they couldn’t stop the bleeding.  I didn’t care, all I wanted to do was fight this rather tall, nice looking man.  My parents held me back, but if it wasn’t for them, that guy would have had more than a huge scar on his face.

Similar to my Big Wheel.

Similar to my Big Wheel.

Thankfully, something bitter did come of this bitter failure.  A scar.  But not just any scar, a scar for life.  One that I would have on my face, in plain sight, where it would constantly remind me of this do-gooder.  One that could remind me every day of the revenge I needed to take on this White Knight in shining armor.  One that I could use to remember that while I was young then, I would get older and much better at using gadgets that would help me fight against his physical strength.  And here I am, still today, with that scar on my chin, reminding me that I need to find that uncle(I guess I could use Google or ask my parents) and fight him, with my bitter words, to tell him I still don’t forgive him.

Scar #1 also just reminded me that I have stories for my two other scars(the other two are even more scarcastic than this one), but now don’t have time for them.  So I will need to continue the saga of the scars another day.  See how useful this scar has been? The other two scars will have their day, and their revenge against the first scar……

SCARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Scarred Up Ben

Bitter Scavenger Hunt Giftures

Raise of hands here.  Who could have been about 15 times more efficient at work with one or two pieces of vital information that was either not given freely or hidden from you by an annoying co-worker? Yep, that is me raising my arm bitterly and furiously like Hermoine in a Defense against the Dark Arts class.  All week I’ve been furiously chasing down the mythical beast called a piece of information I needed so I could get my job done.  Today, I plan on not doing that to myself and just eating my typical pizza and pretending I lost my vision and hearing.  I am however, going to send you on a Scavenger Hunt of sorts, so you can find a clue for something.  Hidden within the words describing the gifs today will be a couple of words and if you find them you will find a clue to something…So, adventurer, be bold and go forth and figure out the clues…or just be lame and go on with your bitter day.  The clue for the message for the brave adventurers will be at the end of the post, so get reading and gifturing you Bitter Scavenger Hunters….

Just as this week has gone…

sldkfjd

…one mess just lead to another mess.

 Sometimes….

...and ended with a thud.

…you just need to get a clue.

Sometimes finding clues…

dsf

…is like taking candy from a baby.

Sometimes clues…

d

…come out of nowhere.

Sometimes finding clues…

as

…are really hard work.

Sometimes finding a clue…

...

…is like the luckiest thing ever.

And other times…

o

…you barely survive the hunt.

Sometimes you think you are going one way…

df

…only to find out they were supposed to go the complete opposite way. 

Don’t go too far off course…

sdfdf

…or the wheels will start falling off. 

Sometimes…

...you realize you're going to need a bigger boat, because of your failure to launch.

…you realize you’re going to need a bigger boat, because of your failure to launch.

And if you don’t have the courage of a Dauntless…

...

…you probably won’t get the right training….

And miss out on the clues…

...and you will narrowly avoice life.

…that help you avoid sure death.

Alrighty, still with me? The scavenger hunt is very simple.  Find the following letters, put them in order and spell out a phrase…  Then keep that phrase in your bitter little heads because that is a clue for something later.  Bitter Scavengering!

First Three letters of the first word are in the near miss car accident gif, first three letters in the caption right after the ellipses.

Next letter in the word is the 5th letter in the near miss train gif…

Next letter is second letter in the train diver gif…

Next and final letter of the first word is the 12th letter in the caption of the Mr. Bean stealing candy from a baby gif…

Now take a pause and put a space between…and find the letter that begins and ends the word that intros gifs 2,3,4,5,6,8 and 10.

Next is in gif 9.  Letters 8&9 of gif 9 in fact.

If you haven’t put together the two words yet, either you or I have gone horribly wrong, but here is the clue for the last letter.  In the soccer failure gif, the first letter of the third word after the ellipses.  If you have found the word and care, go ahead and leave it in the comments, and you will have something to be bitter about.  Or you will begin to understand how frustrating this week was.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Cryptic Scavenger Hunt Ben

Bitter Summer Camp

Welcome to camp kids!

Welcome to camp kids!

It’s the end of the summer, and the kids are definitely not ready to go back to school.  But it’s hot and sweaty and they don’t call these the dog days of summer for nothing. The dog keep barking at the kids when they come inside.  So make them go outside. To my exclusive, high priced Bitter Summer Camp.  We specialize in the most bitter experience you can have as a kid, or adult.  In fact, your satisfaction is completely not guaranteed.  If either you, or you kid isn’t satisfied we will give you no money back.  Welcome to Camp Bitter Mistake on the Lake.

Welcome to your nightmarish sleeping quarters.

Welcome to your nightmarish sleeping quarters.

Come take a tour of the facility, so you can see where your kids will be spending their entire summer and what you will be having nightmares of this summer.  In the cabin areas, we have a unique bed distribution system in which the kids will get the least amount of sleep possible.  Beds are squeaky, springy, uncomfortable and cause your little dumplings to fall off at regular intervals.  The looks on their faces when they are woken at 5 am are priceless.  They will be cranky, upset and testy every morning.  And we make sure to take pictures so you can have evidence of how miserable they are.

Who wants some slop?

Who wants some slop?

On to the “cafeteria” where the slop is distributed.  We have an innovative food manufacturing system that automagically measures the kids favorite foods and makes sure they get the optimal amount of not that food.  It finds what they can’t stand the most and gives them a healthy portions in massive doses.  Don’t worry, they will learn to eat it, even though they will despise both us and you forever because of it.  They will just get hungry enough and finally give in.  But they won’t like it.

And don’t worry about all that terrible food going to waste.  We feed the leftovers to the wild animals in the area to encourage them to want to hang around camp.  They just love campsite here so much.

Speaking of animals, your kids will be exposed to them all the time.  None of this zoo action, where animals are on one side of the wall and humans on the other.  We believe in letting them get close enough to the kids where they can get mauled(the kids I mean), or at the very least bit or scratched.  Nothing teaches the kids how to respect animals like putting the kids smack dab in the middle of the animals forest.  Just like how you would treat woodland creatures when they invaded your house, the animals treat humans when they are in their forest.  Usually by the end of the camp, the kids(the ones that make it out) have a healthy fear of all wild animals.

Some of the interesting wild life your kids will meet.

Some of the interesting wild life your kids will meet.

If that isn’t enough to convince you of how much you will not want to send your kids, we have activities.  Lots of them.  We have deep lake algae sampling, caber tossing, lost in the woods for days hikes, haunted houses, bitter rivalry building, and archery dodging.  On the lake they will learn about space exploration(by being launched into it), and we will have bottle rocket fights.  They will learn to grow up fast with little or no supervision.  Survival instincts, friends.

We teach your kids about space exploration.

We teach your kids about space exploration.

Don’t worry about knowing what is going on with them everyday.  We don’t make them write letters, that would just teach them stuff.  That is for school to do.  We are recording all the time in hopes that your precious little ones will make interesting video, bloopers, slip ups, mishaps, danger, we want all of that.  We want failures and unintentional comedy here.  Our YouTube channel has become quite popular and it is because of your kids.  Their follies are our hits.  Their mishaps are our subscribes; their messiness is our cash flowiness.  So send them messy, and send them soon.  We want them for their flaws.  And you can see exactly what they are doing by visiting our YouTube channel. And don’t forget to tell your friends to view and subscribe!

I know what you are thinking.  This is the last thing I want to do to my kids and you are right.  But forget your protective instincts because I’m gonna tell you a little secret.  The most successful people in the world are ones that grew from adversity.  So if you want your kids to succeed in life, let them have their adversity here every summer and someday you will thank me for torturing them.  And think about all the time you will have away from them.  Isn’t that what you dreamed of the first time they woke you up at 2 am?

So, who is gonna sign up their nasty brats to be babysat by not me?

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Summer Camp Ben

Bitter Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

Have some.

Have some.

I have always been an entrepreneurial type of person, meaning I have all kinds of ideas that would make me rich, if I were living in a fantasy world and smart people with lots of money were blindly funding me money and other smart people were at no cost building my ideas.  So obviously the reason why I’m not rich is other people’s fault.

Anyways, I did have a ice cream company that I started with a guy named Jerry, who is a traitorous wretch who decided to quit on me and move onto another more famous, less Bitter Ben and start a very similar and successful ice cream company called Ben & Jerry’s and left me here in shambles.  Apparently he thought that my flavors were too bitter for him.  So he stole all my ideas and just made ice cream that was sweet instead of bitter.

Maybe you can explain why my company didn’t hit the stratosphere when you see the flavors we came up with:

Bitter Buttmunch Crunch – It had a bitter vanilla base mixed with carrots, rhubarb, and peanut butter crunched up to give it multiple crunches in one vat of goop.

Gettin’ Fatter Mad Hatter – This one was based on the celebrity of the Mad Hatter of Alice In Wonderland fame.  We tried to recreate what made his hat so magically big.  We assumed that the hat got fatter by eating bacon, fried Snicker Bars, french fries, tortellini and pizza.  And boy did it work for the few people that were desperate enough to try it.

Shh..I'm trying some Prime Rib.

Shh..I’m trying some Prime Rib.

Optimus Prime Rib – Named for the fearless leader of the Autobots, there were large prime rib chunks in each vat of ice cream.  It was expensive, but totally not worth it as it doesn’t quite taste the same when it is frozen.  I couldn’t even get Megatron to try it and he always wanted to eat Prime for breakfast.

Wasn't a fan of Al"mond" Bundy.

Wasn’t a fan of Al”mond” Bundy.

Al”mond” Bundy – There were almonds, but also the tastes of his house.  The couch flavors as well as a taste of desperation and failure.

Shiver Me Timbers – This made a lot of sense because the shiver part was ice cream, and didn’t make sense because the timber part had a rich, smoky, woody, barky taste.  Because it was made of trees.

Purple Rain – Named after everyone’s favorite symbol/son of a monarch/most famous purple wearer of all, Prince, we decided to pack this one full of the authentic flavor of rain.  But in order to make it purple we could only find acid rain.  Most of the people that eat this flavor are no longer “with us”.

Trader Joe’s – This one is full of all kinds organtic(that’s how we would say it around the factory) and overpriced ingredients.  It was also another partner I started with, who then took the same core value of the ice cream(organtic and overpriced) and started his own store called coinidentally Trader Joe’s (mostly because of his backstabbing of me).

Mixed Nuts –   Of course everyone has a crazy nut concoction flavor of ice cream, but I made sure to go overboard.  I wanted this one to be so full of nuts, that anyone with a nut allergy within a 100 mile radius would need their epipens.  Peanuts, tree nuts, soy nuts, cashews, almonds, Hazelnuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, walnuts, even a little of their crazy Uncle Herman.

Frenchie Vanilla – This one was as short lived and talentless as Frenchie.  Known for briefly dating the least popular Kardashian, this flavor was also known for being our least popular, because it was boring like Vanilla, because it was vanilla.

Millie Vanilla – It sounded like a good idea at the time, but the sound was just lip synced.

Didn't quite like the flavor of Wolverice Cream.

Didn’t quite like the flavor of Wolverice Cream.

Wolverice Cream – Dedicated to everyone’s favorite X-Men Canadian mutant metal clawed bad boy.  We included Adamantium pieces in each carton in hopes that you may someday have indestructible claws or fingernails or ears or something that will make you special enough to become a mutant like you have been dreaming about your whole life.

Now that I’ve let you know all the fantastically bitter ice creams I created, I’m sure there is a nice, rich, somewhat not smart investor out there that is ready to take the next step down in their career.  If you are, I’m your Bitterman.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Ben and not Jerry anymore

Bitter Leftovers – Things you should probably say no to

Your aunt’s leftover pea soup.

Encyclopedia salespeople.

A space shuttle flight to beautiful sunshiny sun.

A Periscope of your friends surgery.

Wanna try new garbage scented Mouthwash

Indoor fireworks.

Casual high speed chase on Thursday at 5 pm on the 405.

Pumpkin Fight.

To being Elon Musk’s insurance agent.

Wanna be a cat scratching post?

Wanna see what happens in you stick your hand in the fan?

Wanna go to work tomorrow?

Wanna go on a road trip to Russia?

On the Bachelor: Will you marry me?

Wanna help me clean up some cow patties?

Can my kids come over for a few hours?

Butterflies.

Butterflies.

Butterflies.

Scary stories.

a

Or whatever.

Bunnies.

s

Hey, you should check out this Ben’s Bitter Blog.

ARRRRGGGHHH

Bitter NO’zzz Ben

 

Hiding Friday Giftures

Considering all the bitterness that happened this week, there are all kinds of reasons you needed to stay home and not be here at work.  You know what I’m talking about.  You embarrassed the boss by doing that thing, you did that report on Word instead of Excel, and you spilled water all over your annoying co-worker(Which one? Does it matter? They are all annoying.) right in front of everyone at the company barbecue.  Since you can’t miss today, you don’t have many options.  So saunter in, make yourself at home, kick your feet up, grab a pillow and blanket(to make your fort with), put up a sign saying, “DO NOT DISTURB. BUSY DOING STUFF” and grab a computer, tablet or phone (and some popcorn) and watch yourself some Bitter Giftures.

Try to hide your giddiness…

sdfdf

…of seeing Ms. Ballerina getting burned.

On the other hand, hide…

...this talent.

…your gymnastic abilities.

 

When you have this kind of talent…

...

…don’t hide that swag from the world.

You’re going to want to hide this…

...

…but we’ll find it.

Whatever you do…

...don't hide your love for the Scooby Snacks.

…don’t hide your love for the Scooby Snacks.

Be fierce…

...stand tall.

…stand tall.

Run fast…

...fall hard.

…fall hard.

Face your fears…

...

…and by that, I mean run from your fears.

Actually…

...stare them in the face.

…just stare at them.

Remember to always fight fair…

..come out swinging.

…cause this is the internet.

But really what I’m trying to say is…

...don't try to hide your pizza from me.

…don’t try to hide your pizza from me.

 Because…

...I will find it and I will eat it.

…I will find it and I will eat it.

Now that you have your pizza and you are eating it too, make sure you go into hiding so no one else will take it from you.  Because there are two kinds of people in this world, I can’t stand.  People that try to take my pizza, and all the other people.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

In Bitter Hiding at the Moment Ben

Bitter Fluorescent Fights

One of the other scourges besides Justin Beiber.

One of the other scourges besides Justin Beiber.

There have been lots of scourges in this world.  Tornadoes, hurricanes, Godzilla, earthquakes, Justin Beiber, trillion dollars debts, Donald Trump, Donald Trump’s hair and even the summer holiday drought.  But there is a secret scourge that hides in the shadows.  One that haunts us everyday at work, in public buildings, in old dusty outhouses, in jails and even dark alleyways.  Every day, in the worst years, in the worst days, worst hours and worst moments,  this semi-silent menace to society haunts us at our lowest points; it is there for all our darkest  internal tragedies.

This isn’t just any light.  This is the fluorescent light.  If you don’t believe me, just go and try to spell the word fluorescent without the aid of this post, Google or watching the National Spelling Bee(I sure couldn’t).  It just isn’t spelled right.

lights-1-600x327

Don’t even think about it.

 

Fluorescent lights have always been there for me…in sickness and in non-health, forsaking me and all others, till death do they part(actually they last past my death)  They were there for my first nicked up, bloody shave. They were for my first, second, third, and every last zit.  They were there for me when my dentist drilled my first cavity.  They are there in the morning, rushing its unhealthy and unnatural light directly to my sad, vulnerable eyeballs.  There are there at night, tucking my bad self esteem into bed.  They were for my first lost hair, my first ear hair, my first grey hair. They have been my  worst critic, stealing away every good thought I have of myself, there to over emphasize my every flaw.

The Fluorescent light bulb was there to shatter my confidence for my first day of school, there to ruin my first date,  there to ruin homecoming and prom, there on my first day of college, and my first day on the job.

The Fluorescent light bulb is there in every dark corner, every dark alleyway, every barely lit jail, every insane asylum I’ve visited.  Blinking like a liar being interviewed by Barbara Walters.  Blinking like the television on the its last few seconds of life.

fluorescent1

The lovely buzzing and blinking afterglow of the amazing fluorescent light bulb.

Buzzing like a mosquito hopped up on too much sugar.  Buzzing louder than TMZ when a Kardashian scandal breaks. Buzzing louder than the movie industry around Oscar time.  Buzzing like a busy bee, bitterly basking in its barricade.  Buzzing like a light sabre fight between Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, Yoda, Count Dooku, The Emperor, Darth Maul, and Obi Wan Kenobi.

And as much as they could be the foundation of a great light sabre fight, they lack two very essential elements that make a great light sabre.  They only produce light when plugged in, and they break at the slightest touch.

flourecent fight

I present to you the useless light sabre fight, brought to you proudly by fluorescent bulbs.

 

And instead of helping the hero in his quest to track down the villain, it only serves to make the villain more menacing. How can the Dark Knight be the Dark Knight, when the glowing buzz of the light keeps blinking?

This menacing Joker shot brought to you by Fluorescent bulb.

This menacing Joker shot brought to you by fluorescent bulb.

Menaces will come and go, but fluorescent light bulbs will always be there for you.  Whenever you want to feel bitter.

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Fluorescent Ben