I’m here to ruin your day

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Actually you only get none of these three.

 

You know how optimists (or optometrists I can never tell the difference) always try to find the one little positive thing in even the darkest moments of your life? Well, I’m here to flip the script on that, and find the bitterest things in even your shiniest moments. I’m here to put some gloom in your happy this morning.  And if you have some perfect moment that was ruined at the end, or you feel like you have had a perfect moment, but need me to ruin it for you, feel free to leave them in the comments and I will gladly and bitterly ruin it for you.

Best day of your life having your baby? – Remember how loud it’s screaming was or how it needed food every two hours or how much it kept waking you up? And when it came out, ugghhh all the blood…You have to find out how you are going to feed, clothe, and pay for his/her college tuition soon. And it will be talking back to you soon.

We just had a baby and we are just so happy.

We just had a baby and we are just so happy.

Sunny Day at the beach? – Remember the sunburn and sand everywhere? The promise of deserted beach? People everywhere, talking, and someone will be trying to sell you $1 per braid, so you can become a Bahama Mama.

Wanna become a Bahama Mama?

Wanna become a Bahama Mama?

A fantastic dog or cat greeting you at home? Needs to eat and poop, hair everywhere, couch cushions ripped up. And he/she will be wanting bacon, when you feed him/her the vegetarian stuff.

Our cat loves us.  Just wait until you see it greet us when we get home.

Our cat loves us. Just wait until you see it greet us when we get home.

Happiest Place on earth? Expensive parking, expensive food, expensive souvenirs, lines for days, short, stupid rides, obnoxious Mascots everywhere, sore feet 5 minutes in, kids complaining cause they didn’t get what they wanted or rides they didn’t get to go on, or I’m too hot.  And yes, this place is run by a mouse, those same things you squeal at when they run rampant in your house.

Can't wait to be trapped by a mouse.

Can’t wait to be trapped by a mouse.

Day off from work? – Kids fighting, malls and theaters crowded, camp sites cramped, traffic terrible, have to go back to even more work than when you left.  And none of those things happen because you forgot you had a doctor’s appointment.

Kids were great today.

Kids were great today.

Promotion? – More work for not as much money per work thing, longer hours, less time with family, less ability to take time off. And the lack of an executive washroom at your job.

You will be getting an office with a view.

You will be getting an office with a view.

Get a degree? – No more partying, losing all your cool friends, leaving all your cool friends, have to get a good job to justify ALL THAT MONEY YOU SPENT.  And no more of those really good sandwiches in the student center.

Post Graduation life has been amazing.

Post Graduation life has been amazing.

First love? –  Total distraction from anything else, your friends will call you whipped, can’t eat, can’t sleep, always sick, your heart will be crushed into a million pieces when this one ends.

Heart attack.

Heart attack.

First paycheck? – Taxes, it will be spent to pay off all your debt, or everyone will want you to pay for their dinner, or it will all go toward your first and last months rent, or that and 4 others will go toward a ring…

Speaking of getting married? – You think the ring was expensive, just wait until you see what the bill is for the wedding, and the honeymoon, but most of all, how much you paid for the cake that was terrible.  And no pizza.

It's a Dark Knight without pizza.

It’s a Dark Knight without pizza.

Winning the lottery? – You will go spend a ton of money and will realize you were one number off, should have been 10 million, ends up being $2 million, you will lose it all in a gambling debt, or bad investments, you will quit your job, you will overspend on mansions, cars and pools that will be taken from you by the IRS, thugs and telemarketers and fake charities, and your fake entourage.  You will have to find a bank that cashes oversized checks.

I

It was love at first dollar sign. 

You are welcome for ruining your day.  Anything else I can’t do for you?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Terrible Day Ben

Ways to Express Bitterness without Talking

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So many things…

Headaches. A lot of things give me these. The flu, bad comedy, the Bachelorette, the Bachelor, grammar, too much information, too many people, doing too much work, gardening, going outside, phones, world peace, close basketball games, the internet not working, Internet Explorer, the future, the past, and the present.

Those are all things that make me bitter, but one thing gives me headaches above all else. Talking. Other people talking, words spoken out loud toward me, around me, or near me.  Words spoken out loud cause me to pretend to care what you are saying and that is just headache blowing.

The key to miscommunication is misunderstanding. While people like to use talking to make me bitter, I like to turn it around and use other forms of communication to spread my bitterness.

Silence – The best way to give people that uncomfortable vibe, especially when they aren’t a big believer in not talking, is silence.  Try this one time. When someone asks you a direct question, don’t answer it.  Let them ask it again, and don’t answer it again.  They will think you are deaf, but keep persisting.  Eventually the interviewer might then not accept you for the job, but at least you did your best to answer the question truthfully when they ask, “What is your knowledge of math?”

Sign language – It doesn’t have to just be American Sign Language, or German Sign language.  It can just be the flopping of arms when someone is trying to be serious, the waving of your hands as you pass them on the median, or saluting them as you score a touchdown on them.

Pictures– They are worth a thousand words at least according to some mythical person who may or may not have really said it.  And maybe the thousand words are useless words like “Why is that lighting with this subject?” or “Why did you take a picture of this mud?” or “Why didn’t you use autofocus to make this picture so terrible and blurry?” or “Why did you take yet another useless selfie?”

Meme’s – These are an easy way of using passive aggressiveness against somebody without having to do much work.  Go to Google, search the subject of the hideous person you are trying to get revenge on, find meme, post it Facebook for all the world to see…how much you can’t stand that person, or all people.

Writing – A great way to express things without talking.  Yes, it might take a little pencil or pen to paper (at least back in my day) or a little fingers to keyboard, but it is amazing how words on a page can affect someone’s life..for the bitter.

Smoke signals – Though not a common way to communicate to people these days with the advent of Google, a great way to communicate to someone far away when you are camping and wi-fi isn’t available.  Also a good way to share something that will cause the emotion of crying, mostly from the smoke getting in their eyes.

Coughing –  Mostly used to show to others that you are sick, but have somehow against all your will have managed to make it into work.  On the opposite end, it poses as a warning to the people who actually work, from the weasels who are sick all the time to indicate at the end of the day, that they will not be making it in the next day.  Also a way to hide saying things like, cough”Bullcrap!” or cough “Loser!” or cough “Not really sick, just pulling a Ferris Bueller”.

I don't think I'm gonna make it tomorrow.

I don’t think I’m gonna make it to work tomorrow.

Bitter looks – Though I have perfected this look since I was a zygote, some people that smile all the time need to work on this.  It allows you to punch people in the face verbally.

Punching – Speaking of punching people in the face verbally, there is also the non verbal way of actually punching people in the face.  I would recommend you having a good lawyer, or a non-caring attitude about going to jail if you want to pull this off, but it can be a very satisfying way of showing people how bitter you are.

Animation – Though a painstaking process, it is worth it to show someone how little you care about them.

This is how you look to me.

This is how you look to me.

Body language – Eye rolling, heavy sighing, bitter looking, face freezing, mouth clenching, rubbing face with hands, looking bored, these are all ways you can show your dissatisfaction of what someone is saying.

She took lessons from me.

She took lessons from me.

Slow clapping – This method was a good way of showing support for someone who made a brave and courageous stand in an 80’s movie, but is also a great way to show someone how “smart” they are, and “what a great idea” that is, or “wow, you are just so funny”.  It’s actually become quite a versatile way to show your bitterness.

Puppeteering – A way to express your emotions about someone in a very talented, yet disturbed way.

Street Signs – Slow down, Speed Limit, Do Not Enter, One way, Stop, Caution Speed Bump Ahead, Slow Children, Zombie Apocolypse coming.

White Space – The writer’s version of silence.

With a stylus – A stylus is a way to show someone how little you care on a phone or tablet.

As you can see, there are many ways of expressing yourself without talking.  I just touch the surface of how many ways there are.  So about your quit being lazy (like me) and incorporate some of these, or all of these in order to not talk to me, but nothing makes me more bitter than someone using their voice to tell me useless things.  What are your favorite not talking methods of sharing your bitterness with others?

FYI, I guess my co-worker hasn’t read this yet, because they just decided to talk to me.  UGGGGGHHHH

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter BEN HAS A HEADACHE

 

Bitter Storage Unit

Need more storage units.

Need more storage units.

Storage units are for when you have so much junk, you just can’t take having any more, so you rent a garage door, a lock and a security gate watched by someone 24/7 for $100 a month.  As you probably know, I have a lot of junk, but I don’t like paying money to store things that are junk.  What I like to do with it is THROW IT AWAY. Or give it some someone, sell it to someone, or let the earth do it’s job and biodegrade it (shame it into melting away).

Well, my brain is the storage unit for all my junky ideas and I’m tired of paying all the fees to store my leftovers there.  Plus, I need the space.  So on this Sunday, and possibly every other Sunday, I’m going to delete some junky ideas here, because this is my garbage dump, or my Ebay, depending on how much money you want to pay me for my ideas.  Since you are all so cheap, you probably won’t even pony up for the $.30 listing fee and the shipping that I’m overcharging you for.  So a bitter thanks for that.

1.  I was watching Saturday Night Live last night (because it was Saturday) and it was hosted by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. It’s a good thing they added the Rock, because otherwise that would be the lamest name in show business.

2. Speaking of The Rock, I was curious about was how many times he has hosted.  I guess it hasn’t been 5 yet, because then he would be in the 5-Timers club, which would have given him special privileges.  I was thinking I should be a part of this blogs 5-Timer’s Club and be it’s only one, because no one else has posted on here more than once.  I’m the King of This Blog! Give me privileges!

Where's my door? My American Express unlimited card?

Where’s my door? My American Express unlimited card?

3. I was watching Shrek The Third last night and saw that Justin Timberlake was the voice for one of the characters.  I was wondering why I was never asked to do voice acting, because I have a very distinct dull, bland uninteresting voice that would play well to the Shrek part.

4. Saw the Hunger Games: Mockingbird movie on Blu-Ray last night.  The bitterness was running seriously thick and strong, until there was that one moment where Katniss was playing with the cat, and it totally ruined the bitterness.

5. Malls.  I went to them a couple of times this weekend.  I’m the kind that just likes to go to the mall and annoy people and not spend money.  Unfortunately, I had to buy future garbage for a storage unit.

I believe this person owes me royalties for using my word.

I believe this person owes me royalties for using my word.

6. Coffee cups. I was thinking I should start making them with bitter saying on them.  Because even though I don’t drink coffee, I hear it is bitter and no one is more bitter than me.  And who wouldn’t buy a coffee cup with bitter sayings on it?

7. Pizza with Bacon.  I didn’t have it this weekend and I want answers why not.

8. Truth or Dare? I’ve never understood why anyone would accept a dare.  There is no money involved and why would I do something stupid for no reason at all except to “accept a dare”? And why would I ever want to tell the Truth?

9. Gates must be so bitter.  First there was Watergate. Then there was Spygate, now there is DeflateGate.  What is next, Bittergate? Why does everyone blame the gates? All they ever wanted to do was form a protective layer around a house.  Or start Microsoft.  Or become an actress with Christina and her Apple.

10. Started a gardening blog for April Fools Day and called it the Gardening Tool.  Thinking Back, I should have called it Bitter Homes and Gardners. (You know, because my last name is Gardner.)

So I just formatted my brain drive and got rid of some junk. Now there is a lot more space for pizza and naps.  Got any junkie ideas you want to get rid of? Leave them in the comment section.  Just remember to leave the $.30 listing fee.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Storage Unit Ben

Break stuff Friday Giftures

As you all know, this week sucked bananas(this phrase courtesy of Lil Rants over at her blog Lil Rants). Why you ask? Must you even ask? I didn’t have pizza every single day, the naps were far too sparse, and my back(along with every other part of me) was a little sick and tired of working every single day.  Just so you know, I’m not coming in to work on Monday, so a “suck it” to all those people at my work that are working.  Oh, it Memorial Day on Monday? So my senior ditch day is all for nothing? My bitter luck that the one day I decided to ditch and everyone else gets it off already. Now I want to break stuff! Like HULK SMASH stuff. I guess that gives me one more day to seethe about it. Speaking of breaks, let’s take a look at people break or get broken:

Let’s start off with…

...the only way to have breakfast.  A Ron Swanson breakfast.

…the only way to have breakfast. A Ron Swanson breakfast.

Then let’s go for a nice early morning…

...let's tak

…swim with some early morning broken bones.

 

Next we will go to the gym and perform…

sd

…the wrecking ball. 

 

Next…

dsfdf

…let’s punch the clock unsuccessfully for the day.

 

Then let’s make a mid-morning pick me up…

dfd

…and then need to get picked up.

 

Then let’s see if we can win…

fk-yeah-friday-37-photos-2

…a stairing contest.

 

Next, let’s see if we can…

sdf

…ramp up production at work a little.

 

The let’s see if we can have a meeting…

dfdf

…with the pavement. 

 

Time for lunch…

sdfd

…can’t get out of here fast enough. 

 

Finally fed…

...ready to do some heavy afternoon lifting.

…thinking we are ready to do some heavy afternoon lifting, but crash way too early.

 

Try to hit it hard one more time…

,,,

…but it just hits right back.  

 

 The finally decide to give up and have another stairing contest…

...taken to another level.

…taken to another level.

 

So that’s it bitter people.  Now that work is done for the day, go be bitter about all the things you wanted to do this weekend, but aren’t because you forgot to plan something and now you are going to totally waste all that time thinking of something to do instead of napping like you should have.  So what are your bitter plans for the not working period for the next for days?

ARRRRGGGHHH

Bitter Breakon Ben

The Bittervengers

Coming to a Construction site near you.

Coming to a Construction site near you.

 

I finally went to see the Avengers this weekend. It was action packed and epic and had some of the coolest fights ever (Hulk vs. Iron Man’s Hulk Buster).  Many lessons were learned, like the working together is the best way to fight a common enemy and all lessons learned on previous adventures can be ignored.  And Thor’s Hammer can kind of be a jerk sometimes.

 

Thor is a jerk.

Thor is a jerk.

Whatever the case, don’t worry.  The Avengers promise that no matter what, they will come together in the end and they will save the world from earth’s mightiest threats.  All they ask is that they can have a town, a countryside, and a few hundred buildings to destroy in order to save us.

Now, in their next adventure, they have been tasked with fixing all the things they have destroyed.  They even decided to do a City Improvement show on HGTV, because of all the City repairs they have to do.  But don’t think that just because they are doing it, they don’t have bitter complaints about it.

Thor – Thor always gets a little bitter because, he is always having to do all the hammering.  He gets a little tired of everyone always making the excuse that “they can’t pick up his hammer”.  He’s always like, “But you can pick up A hammer guys.”  And if that isn’t enough, he’s always in charge of doing electrical, too.  For once, he just wants to be able to do work on the plumbing or some art fixtures on the wall, or even make a wooden bench, but always gets stuck with electrical.

 

Has an Iron Stomach too.

Has an Iron Stomach too.

Iron Man/Tony Stark –  Iron Man/Tony Starks is the lazy one of the group.  He’s always late, and he’s always saying how his “heart just isn’t into it”. But, he does promise to create some robots to help out. But a lot of the time he spends so much time “working on his robots” that he is barely there to help.  He claims he is in charge of security, but a guy that has had his own mansion destroyed and his tower invaded by Loki, and created Ultron to protect his own house, the rest of the guys aren’t so certain he should be. And by the way, the way he eats on his breaks, you would think he had an Iron Stomach too.

Hulk – Hulk is in charge of demoing the houses/Buildings, but he gets distracted too easily wanting to be Bruce Banner.  He would rather draw up intricate plans and flirt with the Black Widow instead of just smash houses.  Everyone is always asking him to open the pickle jars, or pull up nails and all he wants to do is smash.  And you never can rely on him, because one day shows up on the site as Hulk when he’s supposed to be architecting and other days he shows up as Bruce Banner when they need some demoing.

Captain America – He’s the leader of the crew, but he is also the one making sure that there isn’t any swearing too.  And he is the best when it comes to getting to the job site on time, but you never know when he will lie down at lunch and take a 70 year nap.

Hawkeye – He’s great doing helping as an apprentice on a lot of things, but he gets tired really easily.  And he can only work 9-5 because he has a baby on the way.

Quicksilver – This guy is always waking up at 7:59 and making it to work at 8:00.  Must be nice to be able have a commute like that.

Tune in to HGTV and see if your Avengers can find, demo and flip your town before the next alien threat comes to destroy another town.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bittervenger Ben

 

Bitter Buzz

Hold on, let me get this.

Hold on, let me get this.

I can always tell how one of my posts is doing not because of the stats, but how my phone(they don’t call it a smart phone for nothing) reacts.  If it starts scaring people around me and buzzing, I know I’ve found a bitterness many people can relate to.  Of course, my phone buzzes for a lot of things, so it could just be an email I’ve been expecting from a Persian Prince who has promised me  $50 million if I give him my bank account number (you know, so he can transfer all his money there). Metal detectors also buzz in order to tell a security officer that you have a deadly weapon in your pocket (your keys).  I’ve decided that I’m going to invent an app that warns you about all things in life. It will warn you about things like:

Females: “Honey, so I was talking to Janet and then I had to do this thing, blah blah blah and when I come back, I need the dishes done. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. REMEMBER TO DO THE DISHES!

Males: “This will be a great gift for her for her birthday.  A new pot for her pot and pan collection…. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ DON’T GET HER THAT! GET HER FINE JEWELRY!

Television: You’re watching the playoffs and this game is a blowout and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, GO TO TNT, A BUZZER BEATER IS IN PROGRESS!

Job: You are humming along updating your blog, or checking out the highlights of the game last night, or the latest box office report, and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, STOP DOING THAT AND PUT IT ON YOUR FAKE SPREADSHEET, BOSS IS COMING BY.

In Class: You are sitting in class, not paying attention because you were up too late last night playing video games and not studying, and the teacher is droning on about the bell curve or something. “Let me tell you an obscure fact, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, YOUR TEACHER IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING THAT IS GOING TO BE ON THE TEST!

Driving: You finally get past some traffic and can get home after only 2 hours of sitting in bad traffic and then you have a downhill with open space, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, THERE’S A COP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL.

I promise officer, I was paying attention the whole time.

I promise officer, I was paying attention the whole time.

Spinach: I think I will have the spinach tonight, because it’s gross and will never get stuck in my teeth. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. HAVE THE CHICKEN! IT TASTES BETTER AND IT WON’T GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH!

Is there anything in my teeth?

Is there anything in my teeth?

 

Kevin Costner: Hey let’s go see that Kevin Costner movie about him being on the water/being a post apocalyptic mailman/in a romance.  It’s only three hours long! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. GO SEE JUNGLE BOOK! IT’S BAD, BUT AT LEAST IT IS ONLY AND HOUR AND A HALF!

Extended Warranty: I think I will skip on the extended warranty.  BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. GET THE EXTENDED WARRANTY! THE SECOND THE REGULAR WARRANTY RUNS OUT YOUR CAR WILL GO TO GARBAGE!

Buzzing Bee: Oh look, there is a bee.  BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ RUN FOR YOUR LIFE HE’S GOING TO STING YOU AND IT’S GOING TO HURT FOREVER!

Blogging: I have this really great idea for a blog.  Make it about everything you are bitter about. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.  DON’T DO IT! IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA! DO A GOSSIP BLOG WHERE YOU CAN MAKE MONEY!

This Post: You start reading this post BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. BAIL! DITCH THIS POST. GO TO ANY OTHER BLOG!

Wow, my phone hasn’t made a sound today. Did I forget to turn it on?  What situations would cause this magical phone app to start buzzing for you? What would it tell you to do instead?

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Buzz Ben

Weekend Bitter Dump

dt

This is where I store my excess bitterness. With Oscar the Garbage Man.

There is so much bitterness hiding deep within me (my brain mostly), that my brain is running out of storage space.  I’m not sure how many gigs mine holds in comparison to other people, but I’m sure it is way less. Because of this, I might need to see about getting a brain upgrade soon, just to house all the bitterness. Unfortunately, I can’t afford an upgrade. So just like when you run out of space on your computer, you start putting stuff on a thumb drive or the cloud.  Me, I put them on my blog cloud.  The benefits, I make more space for additional bitterness.  And I get to annoy more people.

So welcome to my brain garbage heap.

1. I finally saw the Avengers this weekend and I have to say, they did okay with the bitterness, but then they had to end on something good happening.  It was so close to be a classic.

2. We attended a church party where the food was supposed to be Mexican. Unfortunately, there was no cheese, sour cream, tomatoes, avocado, or meat. They even had corn tortillas instead of flour tortillas to complete the bitterness.

Caue'

The tortilla was the food.

3. We have Kale chips in our house.  Trust me, those will never touch these lips, but they are in the vicinity and that is making me a little queasy.

4. There was occasional sun out this weekend. That made for a possibility that the kids might want to leave the house. Thank goodness my can’t even attitude made them want to not even.

5. I thought about work once this weekend. It was overcome, but just the virus infected a full 3 seconds of my precious lazy time.

6. My phone made got close to 15% power and no charger within 5 minutes, so there was some drama about if I would be left without my favorite time-wasting, people-avoiding device.

Didn't happen enough.

Didn’t happen enough.

7. I only got to take 4 naps and one of them was less than two hours, so I’m beat.

8. I realized Thanksgiving is six months away and the suspense is killing me.  Will I get tryptophan by noon or not?

9. I would be really bitter about all the traffic and construction going on out there if I actually went outside. But I’m still bitter about it.

10. My voice really hurts from those two full, run on sentences, and those times I used the ellipses.  My bad grammar had a good time torturing my voice.

A few bitter blog note you need to know about.  You have a few more weeks to be brave and offer to guest post for me while I take a bittercation in June (a reunion with some weirdos I grew up with and their families), so everyone form a chaosed que.

ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Garbage Dump Ben

Finishing Weak Friday Giftures

You know how They say, “It’s not about how you start, it’s how you finish.” Well, I’m not sure who They is, but if that is the case, I’m in big trouble.  I am a classic strong starter. I’m constantly coming up with ideas, consistently bad ideas, and getting super excited about how I will change the world with them.  Then, someone writes something bitter on Twitter, a YouTube video magically appears on my screen and all momentum is lost.  My Epic ideas then become lost in the Grand Canyon between become the right side of my brain and the left behind(not my behind).  This week was a classic Bitter Ben week.  Monday started strong with one idea and I thought as soon as I got that going, the dominos would start to fall.

They…

...thing.

…didn’t.

 

So I decided to go check that mail…

df

…and that was something I couldn’t face.

 

Went to get some refreshments…

...and that didn't work out.

…realized I have a drinking problem.

 

After that unsuccessful start…

tt

…jumped right into work and got seven years of bad luck. 

 

Got behind…

...and stayed behind.

…tried to catch up…and still ended up behind.

 

Got a little momentum, but then realized…

anigif_enhanced-buzz-11012-1431631182-5

…having good momentum isn’t always a great thing.

 

And even when you think you’re safe…

 

...you're out.

…you’re out.

 

Got caught up… 

sdfdf

…in the cow race….

 

Tried a few experiments…

sdfdf

…that went tragically downhill.

 

 And…

...really missed the mark.

…really missed the mark.

And then when I saw it….

A

…I knew…

This week…

 

...was a total disaster.

…was a total disaster.

So here we are yet again at the bitter end…of a post and I still don’t bitterly know how to end this disaster of a post.  So just go forth and make bitterness happen this weekend.

ARRRRGGGGHHH

Bitter Finish Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bitter Bullied Ben

What you thought you looked like.

What you thought you looked like.

Admit it. When you were bullied as a kid, you saw Karate Kid and immediately asked your mom if you could sign up for karate.  She said no, but you were determined to learn so you went upstairs, and put on a white lab coat, found your mom’s black neckerchief and tied it around you waist.  Then you proceeded to stub your toe on your bed frame that was sticking out, and proceeded to never try karate again.  Yeah, me neither.

 

When you stubbed your toe.

When you stubbed your toe.

Yeah, getting bullied as a kid sucked.  It was really hard being called, Athleticy guy, or Too Handsome guy, or talented Four Square guy.  Not sure how I made it through.  Luckily, I had the awkwardness, the tallness, the rail thinness, messy hairedness, and the zit covered messness. Then I grew up to become a teenager, grew about 1 more inch, developed even more zits, and became even more socially awkward.  But thankfully teenagers are the best, most well behaved, nicest people ever and never picked on me.  And thankfully it all came to an end after high school right? Wrong.

Observe bullies for grown ups:

Cars – Every week or two.  “Where do you think you’re going? Go get me some gas.”  Every three months.  “Go get me some oil.” Every 50,000 miles.  “Get me some new tires.”  Every day of winter.  “Scrape my windows.  Warm me up.”  Every day of summer.  “Cool me down. Turn on the air conditioning.” “Oh, did you forget your keys? Oops all my doors are locked.”  “Oh did you forget some food in here? Guess it’s getting spoiled.”

Commercials – “Call in the next 15 minutes, or you’ll miss out on this spectacular deal.”  “Hey, can you help me move?” “Shave off the beard, weirdo!” Planet Fitness, “Stop the gymtimidation.”

Grandmas – “Come here and give me a kiss.”  “Are you eating?” “How come you never come and visit?” “Why don’t you marry that nice girl?” “Hold your horses!” “Are you flossing?” “Come back soon!” “Come here, sugar.” “Let me pinch those cheeks!”

Parking Lots – “Twenty bucks if you want to park here.” “It was $5 dollars last week.” “There’s a sporting event now. Pay up, scrub! Oh and I’m not responsible if someone steals stuff or crashes your car.”

Winter – “You better stay inside or it’s gonna be really cold around here.”  “Oh you like these precious plants? Too bad. I’m killing those.” “You trying to drive to work? Whoaoaoa, don’t think so.”

Cheerleaders – “Be aggressive, be be aggressive! B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!”  “You got spirit, yes we do.  We’ve got Spirit, how about YOU?” “Everybody stand up! Let me hear it!”

Bank Tellers/ATMS – “I’m going to need you to fill out this slip before you give me all your money.” “There’s an overdraft fee of $20.”  “Here’s a penny interest for giving me all your money.”

Telemarketers –  “I’m gonna tell you about the deal.”  “No thanks.” “If I were to tell you that you would save $5 dollars a year, by only spending $100,000 this year, would that change your mind?” “No.” “So what you are saying is yes?”

Clothing labels – “Wash in warm water!” “Hand dry!” “Machine Wash Cold!” “Do not bleach!” No Fabric Softener!” “Tumble Dry!” “Do not Iron Print!” “Hang to Dry!”

Bully.

Bully.

 

The Sun – “Don’t you dare look straight at me!” “Wow, you got a dark colored car? Well, I’m going to make you very uncomfortable in there.”  “Having a nice day at the beach? Did you forget your sunscreen? Burrrnnn!”

Alarm ClocksWAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

Work starts now.

Work starts now.

 

 

Still think bullies don’t exist? Tell me your biggest bullies everyday.

 

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Bullied Ben

 

 

 

My Bitter Fetch Quest

 

Nope this show will kill you.

Nope. This show’s acting will kill you.

Everyone has a place where they go to escape the bitterness of everyday life.  Some people like to go shopping, some are really good at taking a naps (obviously, duh) and other people like to spend time in the great outdoors(I still haven’t figured out what is so Great about them).  My escape is video games and television.  I’ve figured out that the reason why I like a show or a video game is that I would want to live there.  That being said, any show on CBS is off.  I don’t want to work at CSI (Vegas, New York, Miami, Bismark, Aspen or even Sacramento), every comedy is depressingly cheesy, and Survivor? I think their next season should involve people Surviving watching a whole episode.

Yesterday, I thought it was going to be my lucky day.  I found a Red Ryder Rifle gun while rifling(get it?) through my junk drawer, and it came with instructions.  Point and shoot and whatever imaginary TV or video game world you are thinking of and that is where you will go.  So I aimed it at a window. Quickly, the note said, “Not at the window you idiot, you’ll shoot your eye out.”  Luckily, I only kind of shot my eye out.

772240221_1115131

Kind of.

 

My first thought(other than my eye is really sore) was of Greendale Community College, of Community fame.  Who wouldn’t want to sit at the coolest table in the coolest community college in television? Who wouldn’t want to sit right next to Jeff Winger, pretending not to care about anything, texting people constantly, and preparing motivational speeches to rally the study group every day?  And the amount of actual studying going on at that table? Same amount as I did in college.  When I shot the floor and jumped into the portal to Greendale, I expected to be to fall right into a Pillow fort vs. Blanket fort battle, or a fake Zombie outbreak, or at least a Troy and Abed in the Morning. Nope. I ended up as Chang’s substitute in Spanish 101.  The whole gang had already passed Spanish 101, Chang already had Changnesia, and the Dean didn’t even visit the class because he was more concerned about Spanish 102.  I was also in charge of mopping the cafeteria.

Yes, mine too.

Yes, mine too.

After being in only the bitter edges of what I thought would be my favorite imaginary place, I gave up and went to my next imaginary favorite place.  My favorite YouTube show Video Game High School, or VGHS for short.  A world in which video game kill streaks on the show Pwn Zone, are breaking news and interrupt Presidential News conferences. Where video game players are celebrities and VGHS is a more prestigious school to go to than Harvard.  I accidentally shot the ceiling and some debris and rubble fell down and almost burie me before I’m transported to VGHS.  I hope to end up in Principal Calhoun’s office to get my briefing on which clan I’m going to be in, or getting to meet BrianD, Jenny Matrix, Ted or Ki Swan.  Instead, I end up down in the sub basement, in the social gaming department.  The internet is dialup, the games are strictly Facebook only ones like Farmville, Mafia Wars and Kitchen Scramble.  I’m stuck here, without even my phone to liven the place up.  By the end of the day, I was begging for a 56K modem just so I could play Super Mario Bros.  No such luck.

I decided to take one more shot (get it shot…) at going somewhere else.  I thought really hard.  Where else would I want to go? There are hardly any good shows on TV that I would want to visit. Then I remember. There is still one show left on TV that has people I would want to hang out with.  Brooklyn 99.  Maybe I will be assigned to work with Jake Peralta and Charles undercover, or be a fellow admin with Gina and wise crack back to the captain all day without actually doing anything.  Maybe even partner up with fellow bitter cop Rosa and Super Nerd suck up Amy.  Nope, I ended up with Hitchcock and Scully.  And not even going out for pizza.  Doing traffic for the night.  I was stuck in the middle of Brooklyn directing traffic. They slept the whole time.  And it was raining. And there was honking of horns.  And traffic was a nightmare.  Just like this stupid gun that promised I could go anywhere I wanted.

But the day was over.  I realized that the owner of the Red Ryder Rifle was trolling me.  He just needed someone to do his Fetch Quests(the video game equivalent of getting coffee for your boss) while he and the main characters did the fun stuff.  Just then, it hit me.  Hawaii 5-0! Idiot! I could have gone to Hawaii. Why wouldn’t you think to go there? My bitter luck.

Idiot! You couldn't just say Hawaii 5-0!

Idiot! You couldn’t just think Hawaii 5-0?

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Fetch Quest Ben

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot

 

Hey Mom, I got you something.

Hey Mom, I got you something.

Hey Mom, thanks a lot for enduring all that bitter pain for 9 months, just so you would have to endure even more pain for another 42 years(and counting).  You’d think that you could at least muster up a grimace, a mean word or even a bitter thought about me.  How is a guy supposed to be bitter about having such a good mother?

Hey Mom, thanks a lot for keeping me alive by making me breakfast, packing my lunch and cooking dinner.  How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he is well fed all the time?

Hey Mom, thanks a lot for always keeping my room clean, making my bed every day, and washing and folding my clothes all the time.  How is a guy supposed to be bitter when his room and life is all organized?

Hey Mom, thanks a lot for teaching me how to talk to girls, treat them with respect, not laugh at me when I epic failed with them and paying for me to go to prom. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he has a good example of how to be around girls?

Hey Mom, does this remind you of every day of my growing up years?

Hey Mom, does this remind you of every day of my growing up years?

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me about responsibility, like getting homework done, showing up on time, and working hard.  How is a guy supposed to be bitter when people trust him all the time?

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me about sarcasm, irony, puns and guffaws.  Thanks a lot for laughing at me, with me, about me, and teaching me to laugh at myself.  And thanks a lot for teaching me to keep a straight face when someone is tickling me under the chin.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to be bitter when I’m trying not to laugh?

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me how to brush my hair, and my teeth and my face, to wear clothes and deodorant everyday.  How is a guy supposed to be bitter when being clean means people want to be around him?

Did it ever feel like you were always bailing me out?

Did it ever feel like you were always bailing me out?

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for reminding me about people’s birthdays by giving me the presents to take to their parties, and holidays by putting up the Christmas tree in October, the Halloween Tree in September, the Turkey in the day before Thanksgiving.  How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he has all these good holiday memories?

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for allowing me to wander, to the sandbox, out bike riding, to Lewis Drug, to 7-11, to play video games, off to college, on a mission. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when you allow him such freedom?

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for making me grow up in South Dakota.  And making me mow the lawn and get a paper route, and shovel the driveway and the sidewalks. Now when it blizzards and no one else in the office can drive in the snow, guess who the designated driver and worker for the day is? Okay, I guess a guy can be bitter about that.

Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me a germ wouldn’t give me a disease, a break up wouldn’t end me, hard work wouldn’t kill me, and rejection wouldn’t define me.  How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he always has hope?

And last of all, thanks a lot for teaching me about using my imagination and creativity.  How is a guy supposed to have a bitter blog when he has all this creativity and imagination?

I’m really sorry that all my bitterness hasn’t taught you how to be better at being bitter.  Maybe someday it will rub off on you and you learn the ways of bitterness.  Until then, enjoy being a Happy Mother and have a Happy Mother’s Day.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH

Your bitterest son,

Bitter Son Ben

 

Kicking and Screaming

This morning I kicked a wooden step stool, because I haven’t perfected my night vision.  I came kicking and screaming into the world because I was cold and because my legs weren’t working right yet.  There is a app named KIK, which is a messenger tool.  So basically it helps you get in touch with other people by text.  Unfortunately, there is another app that is already on your phone and you are already using, called texting, so yes that is useful.  Judo, and Karate using kicking, but you aren’t supposed to use it unless you are being attacked or you are in a Mortal Kombat tournament.  Soccer only allows kicking.  The funny part about soccer is that some people get so skilled at kicking a ball around (see below)

gifs_06

but in a game you’re not even allowed to use it to score a goal (because no one ever scores a goal in a soccer game). People use the work kicking to tell people to get out. Like that time I went to visit my alma mater the summer after my graduation, and got banned for life for pulling my pants down at a dance (even though I had shorts on underneath).  Some people and their rules.

Like this “professional” soccer player…

...who only had one job.

…who only had one job.

Or this hockey player…

...who got kicked, but couldn't stick.

…who got kicked, but couldn’t stick.

 

Or this professional slider, who…

sdlkfjdsf

…started off good, but couldn’t kick it at the end. 

 

Or this professional hugger who found…

d

…an entertaining way(for us) to get kicked out of the game.

 

Or Erin Andrews who found a way…

d

…to get her kicks on a cold day.

 

Or this other hockey player…

d

…finding a way to kick off his first concussion. 

 

Or the universes way of…

...

…kicking this guy to the curb.

 

 

And this guy pulling a Paul Blart…

dsf

…before Paul Blart even did it.

 

These guys not wearing their seatbelts…

These guys

…when the space ship is moving almost got kicked. 

 

 

This girl kicked off the summer…

sdfdf

…by taking a quick dip. 

 

In what is now my all time favorite gif….

dd

…in which I couldn’t stop getting a kick of yesterday.

 

 

 

Remember that one time I did those gifs…

dfds

…and you used to get a kick out of them? 

 

I’m going to go kick off my Friday, by not doing some work and then later, I think I’m going to ignore work, and then in the afternoon, I’m just going to leave work. As the Beastie Boys once said, “Kick it!” So, any plans for you today?

ARRRRRGGGHHH

Bitter Kicker Ben

 

 

Bitter Ben for Prez

Except actually vote for me, not Pedro.

Except actually vote for me, not Pedro. If you vote for me, all your boringest dreams will come true.

At first glance you may not think of me as a serious candidate for President, and you would be totally right.  But right now it is trending to run for President on Twitter, so I can’t not at least look at the idea right? So last night while swimming with sharks, I considered it.  Sure, I have no experience at all in holding a public office.  But when have I ever turned down a bad idea?  So, while I don’t have experience in holding a public office, I do have experience in the following:

Spending money irresponsibly – As the president, I would be looked at as the prime example of how to spend money poorly.  White House needing a few upgrades to the Presidential Man Cave/Media Room/Video Game hub? Approved.  Less money spent on roads and more money spent cool new threads for secret service? Check. Modifications that change Air Force One and Marine One into Transformers Optimus Prime and Bumble Bee? Pass that right through legislation.

Ignoring people’s needs – A good presidential candidate is a representative of not only his state but the whole country.  He or she must listen to the needs of the American people and then wholeheartedly ignore them completely for the next 8 years (I’m just going to go ahead and assume that we are going 8 years).  Not only do I ignore my kids requests to get toys, but they are always requesting food too.  I’m like you didn’t even finish your dinner last week.  Why should I give you new food this week?  See how well I could handle citizens asking for stuff?

Multi-tasking – The president is always asked to do many things at once.  I am doing things two things at one time all the time.  I can chew gum and trip on the sidewalk at the same time.  I can lay on the couch, and operate a remote at the same time.  I’ve driven a car and listened to the radio at the same time.  Heck, I’ve even been known to be at work and take a nap at the same time. So if you are looking for a candidate that can sometimes successfully do two things at once every once in a while, I’m your candidate.  

Being frazzled – A president should always look frazzled.  If you don’t, then how can America trust that you are busy enough doing things? I’ve practiced my look in the mirror and when the cameras are on, I can totally pull them off.  I have the I-can’t-believe-this-guy-can’t-stop-talking-to-me-on-the-phone boredom look, I’ve got the walking way too fast media chasing me look, I’ve even got the bitter stare down to a science.  I am currently working on the exasperated sigh, and the Uggggh, seriously? gaze, and the staring off into space glance.

Use those fingers for something useful! Vote for me!

Use those fingers for something useful! Vote for me!

Flip flopping –  Even some life long politicians struggle to pull this move off with aplumb I can.  Some politicians can pull off an issue or two, but none of them can flip flop like me.  If you want someone who you just can’t pin down to make a decisive call on an issue, I’m your man.  In fact, ask me about any issue and I will surely have a different opinion of something every single time.  I’m that good at changing my mind.

Living lavishly – When it comes to being catered to at all times, I haven’t always had the opportunity, but when I have been given the chance, I have pulled this off with expertise.  There was that one time in the Bahamas, that other time in Hawaii, and you bitter believe that when I go on a cruise in June, I’m going to let them take care of my every need.  No movement will be made that I won’t let them spoil to the highest degree.

Starting arguments – America needs a strong POTUS in the argument department.  They need someone to contradict every little decision.  Otherwise, where is the tension in those dramatic walkings around in White House that are made famous in movies?  How would the Pres be able to deal with Congress and the military and the houses and Supreme Court and foreign nationals without the ability to start arguments? I will contradict every move ever made.  That is my promise to you.

Being Exhausted – Man, am I exhausted.  So tired, I just can’t think straight.  I just want to lay here and watch TV.  And eat a sandwich.  Yeah, I can do exhausted. Even if I am not.

Feigning excitement – Okay maybe I need to work on this a little.  But at those executive dinners where comedians come and roast me for the terrible job I’m doing, you might almost believe that I think they are funny.

Eating dinner – Speaking of Executive dinners, your president will need to be an expert at eating dinner.  If you need a guy to be able to eat a $550 a plate dinner for fundraising, I will be there.  You need a guy to make a guest apperance at a Pizza Hut in Topeka, KS, I will make the sacrifice for the country.  A guest host at Nathan’s Fourth of July, hot dog eating contest, your president will be there for you.

Camp David – Your president will need to be good at vacationing.  Camp David, Hawaii, the Caribbean, other beaches, cruises, etc.  Your president will need to be an expert at letting go of whatever pressing need is happening in Washington or the world and just leaving that all behind.  This guy (me pointing at myself) can ignore all issues while on the Executive Vacation.  I’m perfectly willing to let my Vice President Adam Sandler muck it up while I’m gone.  There’s no way he can screw it up right? And at least a bad movie will come of that right?

Your vice president everyone.

No way he screws things up while I’m gone right?

Fat cats in Washington – I have tons of experience dealing with the Fat Cats of Washington.  Yeah, maybe I’m talking about the State of Washington, and yeah, maybe I’m talking about real cats that are a little heavy, but I have an expert ability of being able to shew them away when they are trying to poop on my lawn.

I'll deal with you, Fat Cat of Washington.

I’ll deal with you, Fat Cat of Washington.

 

Push buttons – I can push people’s buttons.  Get under their skin.  Make them squirm.  I’m a level 45 button pusher.  When someone needs me annoy, cajole, poke, or prod I am the man.  Also, I’m really good at pushing remote control buttons, garage door openers, easy buttons, and nuclear launch control buttons.  Weeeeee!

So, who's in?

So, who’s in?

 

So, without hesitation, I am announcing my candidacy for the Master Chief position(cause I’ve played Halo!) of the United States.  Please join my campaign by donating money, coming to my $500 a plate dinners, donating advertising space on your networks and brown nosing me in every way. Also, Tweet, Facebook and Instagram my social medias to all your constituents.

Twitter @benadman, Instagram @bensbitterblog, Facebook, Ben’s Bitter Blog and retweet this to all your blogger friends.

I promise to make Bitter Better!

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

President Bitter Ben for President

Bitter Old Man

You know for a fact, I'm gonna have a three pronged tennis ball cane.

You know for a fact, I’m gonna have a three pronged tennis ball cane.

I just turned 42 last month. Talking about being in your fourties, I think Louis CK said it best.  Of course, I’m paraphrasing here: When you are 40(42 is in the same yacht) you’re old.  You’re half dead. But you’re not old enough for anyone to give a crap that you’re old. Nobody spends their holiday delivering hot meals to 40 year olds.  But you’re not young enough for anyone to be proud of anything you accomplish.

I’m old, but only according to my age, and according to my falling apart body.  I am 8 year old trapped in an 81 year old body, trapped in an actual body that is 42.  So there are a lot of things that suck about being my age.  But being 81, now that is a bitterman’s dream.  You know how they say youth is wasted on the young?  Well, I say oldness is wasted on the old. Let me tell you why.

I will be tormenting young people – Young people think they are so awesome with their fancy cell phones and their super hip latest technology and their super cool slang that only they understand, but you know what they don’t have? All the free time in the world.  They have school and a part time job and the future to worry about.  And angst. All kinds of angst. Not me.  You know what I have? Time to prank call them, and passively aggressively tell them how they have things to worry about.

I will be the best bitter old guy on the block – I’ll be the one that has the lawn that the kids will fear getting on.  Clint Eastwood in Gran Turino won’t have anything on me.  I will be the legendary house that no kid will want to Trick or Treat at, the one kids will cross the street to avoid, and the creepily maintained one that they will think was the basis for all haunted houses.

Memory loss –  I will turn that superpower on and off whenever I please.  If asked to bring a lasagna to a gathering, what lasagna? When it comes to my birthday, my memory will be clear as a bell, but if a card with money birthday comes along, whoops I forgot.  The IRS comes asking for money, or if a wallet of someone’s accidentally gets lifted from someone’s back pocket? Sorry, I had no idea I was doing it.

Getting things carried for you –  Yes, I’m fully capable of carrying a bag of groceries, but you won’t know that.  Mysterious back ailments will happen, knees problems can happen suddenly at any time, and what were we talking about again?

Oh man, it is taking me so long to get across the street.  I hope no one is in a hurry...

Oh man, it is taking me so long to get across the street. I hope no one is in a hurry…

Any time of the day is play time – Don’t feel like going to bed until midnight? Feel like sleeping at 2 pm? Want to go to the grocery store at 2 am to torment the night stocker and make him have to ring you up? Just do it.  Wanna call your son at his stressful job during the busiest time of the day? “Hey son, I was just wondering…When you knock on watermelons are they supposed to be hollow sounding or full?” Need to cross the street during rush hour? Take your time.

I will revise history –   Thankfully, not many people are very good at history or the accuracy of it.  I will be making up stories like I was Forrest Gump.  Yeah, I was working for NASA during the moon landing (even though I wasn’t alive), yeah I worked at Microsoft when they first started, yes I used to play on the same basketball team as Micheal Jordan and actually taught him some moves.  What are people going to do, fact check?

I will taunt my kids/grandkids with money – I will hint about money.  I will talk about stocks I had way back when in Microsoft(see previous) and Apple, talk about a baseball collection with Babe Ruth, a coin collection of some buffalo nickels, talk about some bonds I had as a kid that “is somewhere around here”.

Some people look forward to retiring so they can travel the world or spend more time with their family.  When I retire, I dream of being the bitterest old man alive. Yeah, pizza will probably prevent me from making it that fat, but a bitterman can dream.  And be assured, if I day make it that day, I’ll be posting all about it with my old man fingers.

ARRRRRGG – cough, splutter,  HHHHH,

Bitter Old Man Ben

The Bitter Shark Tank Experience

Actually, I welcome the Shark Tank to me.

Actually, I welcome the Shark Tank to me.

DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DEEEEE

First in the Shark Tank today is Blogger Bitter Ben, who is a full-time blogger that is looking to become a rich and lazy entrepreneur.

Bitter Ben:  Hi, Sharks. My name is Bitter Ben and I’m asking for $1,000,000 for 5% of my company.  Sharks, I was looking for a way to be lazier. As you know, this country has a thirst and a hunger for fitness and a few years ago there was a big fad sweeping the fitness community. Nintendo introduced a product that would allow lazy, out of shape people like myself, a way to get in shape while playing video games, called the Wii Fit.  It came at the same time when the Wii was sweeping the nation with it motion controllers and the machines were sold out across the nation.  I was watching my kids “play” the Wii Fit as they tried to get healthier and noticed the way they were playing it.  At first, they did the planking, climbing and jumping required to pass the exercises. As the time passed though, they seemed to get tired and warn out.  So I noticed something else happening and that is where I got my “aha” moment.  That’s when my creation was born.  I call it the “Wii Sit”.  This amazing device allows you sit down on the device, and instead getting up and moving, allows you to sit, and pass all the required exercises.  There is no more frustration of not passing the exercises when they weren’t good enough, or fit enough, or coordinated enough.  This is a board you can place anywhere, on the couch, on the floor, or even on your chair.  The only time it won’t work, is when you are standing and exercising.

Mark Cuban: So tell me how it works. So you sit on it, and somehow you get fit? How is that even possible?

Don't roll your eyes at me, Cuban.  I perfected that move.

Your eye rolls don’t affect me, Cuban. I perfected that move.

 

ME: Nope, that isn’t how it works, Cuban.  It helps you pass the exercise portion of the game.  I believe that fitness isn’t the important part of the game, but the self esteem kids get when they can pass goals on a video game.

Kevin O’Leary: So you are asking $1,000,000 for 5% of the company? Are you crazy? Your valuation for the company is $500,000,000? You expect me to believe this thing is worth that kind of scratch? Tell me about your sales.

ME: My sales are -$500,000.  But I think you underestimate how lazy people are, Kevin.  This country is built on laziness.  I mean, look at me.  An average, lazy American asking you to pay all my bills and make me rich. I’m asking you to do all the work to get this thing built.  Then I expect you to send me check every week for $500,000 so I can cover the costs of this thing.  So, what do you say, do we have a deal?

Laura:  How do you think I am supposed to sell this on QVC?

ME: By talking about it, duh! I mean, that’s your JOB right? Dazzle me, make this thing shine.  Talk about all the positive traits that might appeal to stupid people.  You know, your audience that will buy anything you pitch on your show, no matter how little it does for them?  I know for a fact that you can do it.  You’ve done it before and you can do it again.

Daymond: How am I supposed to market this? How can I brand this thing to make me any money?

ME: Daymond, Daymond, Daymond.  You built an international brand out of a name called Fubu.  No one even knows what a Fubu is, and yet somehow they buy your T-shirts.  If you can do that, you can get people out and sitting.  So, when does the fighting between Sharks happen? Do you all want a piece of my revolutionary product?

So, what do you say?

So, what do you say?

Sharks: (Conferring, then looking at each other, like I was a lunatic) Okay, here is the deal.  We look at you, one button off on your button up shirt, your shoddy presentation, your lack of a sales, not even a drawing of a protoype of your product, no marketing presence, and no fire in your belly to even be an entrepreneur, and yet none of us can help but see that you are absolutely right on one thing.  This nation is lazy and doesn’t need another product to “get it off it’s feet”, but one that will go along with their laziness.  You can be the face of this brand.  You can be the guy that will help us as a nation give up, and just be bitter. So, here is our offer.  We will all give you a million dollars for 3% of the company. We will help you build this thing, we will help you pay off your debtors, we will help you find the right channels to sell this, we will get it patented, we will even market this for you. All we ask is that you be the face of the company.  Get your picture taken, appear in a few ads, and be the guy on the masthead. So, do we have a deal?

ME: So let me get this straight.  You will help me build the prototype, pay off my debts, get it sold in the right channels, get it patented, and market it for me? And give me even a better deal that I was asking, and include all 5 sharks in selling this thing? Sounds great! Until you asked me to be the face of the company.  Ughh, and you know how much I hate getting my picture taken. And next you are going to ask me to respond to some people on Facebook?  I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to turn you down.  No deal.

Sharks: Wait, wait, wait! This is our final offer.  2% of the company, we will waive the ads, and answer all the questions on Facebook.  All you need to do is the picture.  And we will send you checks for the rest of your life.

ME: You were so close, but I’m sorry.  No picture. No deal.

No, I'm out.

Actually, I’m out.

After the deal goes sour, my remarks as I walk out.

ME: They are dead to me.

Sharks: We could have been part of something mediocre.

 

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Wii Sit Ben

 

10 Points from Gifendor

I run this place!

I run this place!

What’s up, filthy Muggles? Professor Snape here.  Actually you could call me Head Master Snape.  I’m guest posting for Bitter Ben on the Friday Giftures this week.  Just to keep you up to date on my life, I’m running things at the Hogwarts College of Witchcraft and Wizard Laundry.  (Spoiler warning) I know you think I’m dead, but that was just temporary.  You know, I’m familiar with potions and stuff right? Just a little Wolfsbane and a Bezoar and I’m good to go. Anyways, I’m back to torturing Harry and the Gang at college.  As you know, he quit his last year, to go on some “mystery journey” of “finding himself” and that left him a whole year of magical education short, so he had to take some Wizarding summer school.  Then, when he tried to become an Auror, they were like, dude, you’re barely 18! Work at Burger Wizard’s or McGonalgle’s, and get some wizard experience before you try out for an Auror position.  Anyways, enough about Harry.  I just wanted to you all to know the why reason I’m taking over this blog today.  As you know, I’m the bitterest person in the wizard world and Ben couldn’t help letting me do the Friday Giffendors today(let’s just say he didn’t have a choice).  Plus, as you know, I’m always taking 10 points from Giffendor all the time anyways.  Freaking Harry and his cocky attitude.  Seriously, do you wonder why I’m so bitter? Anyways, let’s take a look at my 12 favorite gifs this week (even though, as Ben talked about earlier this week, there is a shortage of gifs on the internet.)

 

This is one of my favorite spells…

fdsdf

…to torture Muggles with. 

 

 

Colbert was one of my favorite students….

df

…he was so good with the laser spells. 

 

 

Oh and don’t get me started on my favorite student…

dfd

…Hasselhoff.  Man, could that guy fly with the best of them.

 

 

That totally reminds me of the time we enchanted…

dfdf

…that trap door when that guy was moonwalking.  Hilarious!

 

Unfortunately, this stupid Giffendor…

i-can-see-the-weekend-and-now-i-just-dgaf-50

…learned the wizard lean spell a little too well. I never cared for his shenanigans, much.

 

 

Ahh, the enchanted Christmas tree shredder…

dsfdf

…one of my favorite ways to get rid of your stupid muggle trees, so I can build more wizard condos. 

 

I remember teaching this kid…

sdfd

…the magical dodge.  He made your muggle look so stupid! HA HA HA!

 

Oh and your friend, Jason Vorhees…

dsfdf

…he was one of my favorite Slytherins.  He could camp out in lakes like a boss and scare the heck out of Muggles.

 

And I have to admit, no matter how hard we tried…

df

…we could never come up with a spell for defrosting windows.  We had to scrape with our wands, like you filthy Muggles!

 

This was one of my favorite things to torture John McClane with…

...whoops, that was a different movie...anyways, HO HO HO!

…whoops, that was a different movie…anyways, HO HO HO!

 

You know what never gets old…

this

…this aqua illusion.  Muggles fall for it every time! 

 

And for my last Giffendor,  I leave you with one of the greatest wizards, with my favorite spell…

sdfdf

…Homer Simpson everyone, performing the invisipizza.  

 

 

Speaking of pizza, you know it’s Friday and every Friday, we have pizza in the dining hall.  My favorite day of the week! You know what I love? Making it disappear in front of the Gryffindors.  They can’t stand when I do that every single week.  They will never learn.  But it is always funny!

So, I had a great time today! So much so, that I think I will be back torturing you Muggles in these Giffendors again.  Whether Ben likes it or not.  Man, you should see what I do with him when I enchant him.  If only I had a camera, he would be on these gifs every week!  Anyways, Snape out! And I will be back…

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH, I think he says?

 

Severus Bitter Garden Snape

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gimme a Break Bitterness

Everyone needs a break sometimes.  Usually on Tuesdays, which is the worst day of the week by far, (don’t believe me? Check this post.) my kids and I usually go swimming.  It gives me a chance to rest my deteriorating back, ignore people talking to me(just a quick dive underwater) and allows me to think and recharge.  And by think and recharge, I mean think about all the things that make me bitter and recharge people with a metaphorical bolt of lightning.

So yesterday, you didn’t notice, but I took a break from the internet.  Actually, while that is true, I actually gave the internet a break from me.  Almost every single day, I am assaulting the internet with all kinds of content.  Between blog posts almost every other day, answering comments with nonsensical answers, placing completely asinine comments on other peoples blogs, instagram posts of things that I know are funny, but no one else does, spewing out character assassinations in 140 characters or less on Twitter, ignoring all 200 of my fake friends on Facebook, and making YouTube videos at least once a decade, the internet rarely receives more than a 20 minute break from me on any particular day.

But yesterday, comments on other people’s post were constantly being interrupted by these people at my desk at work asking me to do things.  Every time I thought of another astutely horrible thing to say on Twitter, an email popped up and kept staying there on my screen demanding that I answer or it wouldn’t leave.  Even Instagram was a victim of a ringing phone that just wouldn’t shut up until I answered it.  I guess some places demand that you do work in exchange for all this money, medical benefits and 401k matching.  The nerve of some jobs to require you to do things.

So, there you have it internet.  Not only did I not break you, like Kim Kardashian keeps “threatening” to do, but I gave you a break.  While you had to deal with other trolls and people of interest that weren’t really that interesting, I was kind enough to allow you a break from the bitterness for one day. You could have predicted that I was taking a break from you, Internet, because you are so smart (I mean, just Google yourself internet, you know everything according Wikipedia).  You probably should have booked yourself on a vacation (there’s that website you have called Expedia and this creepy spokesguy keeps trying to sell you about Trivago).  But you blew it, Internet.  You were too busy watching YouTube videos with cats, or surfing the web in Hawaii, or trolling it up on all kinds of forums to notice.  But now, I’m back and I’m bitter with a vengeance.  I will be in your face all the rest of the day.

Yeah, this Trivago guy.

Yeah, this Trivago guy.

So enjoy your Kit Kat bar moment, because I’m ready to bitter.  Or at least until these stupid people quit botherin…Whoops gotta go.

This isn’t over internet. I’ll be Back.

Yeah, what Arnold said.

Yeah, what Arnold said.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Broken Ben

The Bitter Worldwide Shortage

Hey everyone.  Gather around.

Hey everyone. Gather around.

Hey everyone.  Gather around.  Pull up your computers, grab some soda, a pizza and some napkins, because we need to have a conference.  This nation, neh even this very world is on the verge of a worldwide crisis.  Seeing as how Earth day just happened and, whoops I forgot to preserve a tree, I thought I would sit us down for an important matter that needs to be resolved soon, or our kids, our grandkids and even our great grandkids will suffer unimaginably if we don’t do something soon.  Everyone, something we all depend on more and more everyday is diminishing.  There is a huge demand, and a very dwindling supply.  The kids are glued to their screens (phones, tablets, laptops, and those dinosaur things called desktop computers) and because of this, there has been nothing short of a worldwide disastrophy.  There is a drought of Gifs.

Actually funny, non overused gifs are dwindling at a massive rate.  Bloggers everywhere are stuck reducing, reusing and recycling the same old gifs.  We cannot, should not, will not, put up with this anymore.  We must let the old gifs age gracefully in the gif nursing facilities, while other new gifs are born, and can develop naturally into the awkward teen stage so they can be showcased.  But there are so few new ones being developed every day.  Every week, I have need of at least 20 tragic, yet funny for me new gifs and it is becoming increasingly hard to find new ones to breathe life into the gif community.  New gifs need your help.

For only the cost of a cup of coffee, the baristas that make it, and the Starbucks store that houses that coffee, and all its employees, per day, you could sponsor a new gif being created.  If you send us(me) the $100,000 per month, we will send you the picture of a suffering blogger, sitting on their MacBook Pros, frustrated, raging at the ceiling, because they couldn’t come up with the perfect gif to perfectly portray the 100-300 word post they will send out to the internet, to be avoided.  You will see the pain in their eyes, angst in their souls, and then pure, unadulterated meh as they receive the new gif that you sponsored.

Look at the frustration of the blogger.  I was unable to find a gif of this poor blogger.

Look at the frustration of the blogger. I was unable to find a gif of this poor blogger.

We’ll also send you a video of how the short 1-5 second video was made.  An HD camera will follow around an HD camera following people around, hoping for unfortunate accidents to happen.  It will find natural, wild, raw, and real gifs of people unaware that they are being filmed.  It will bring bitterness to all; the film crew for being unpaid, the unsuspecting victims for being filmed and also unpaid, and the blogger, who got the perfect gif, but just a little too late for the perfect post.

Please, there are many out there that are suffering.  Please donate now, before the internet and bloggers die…of boredom.

To donate, please send all contributions to me and I will reluctantly take on the responsibility of getting the money to the right place.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Shortage Ben

Hot Mess Friday Giftures

It’s been a Beastie Boy kind of week.  I’ve been sabotaged all the way up one side and down the other.  My car dashboard kept lighting up on my way to work and of course I did what you always do when you get a light.  I ignored it.  On Thursday, I finally asked someone to tell me what it meant and they said, “You’re supposed to fill it up with gas.”  Why again? I thought cars ran on sunshine and we got a sunny day earlier in the week. Then I got in a fight with a guy named Chuck Norris, and someone told me that Chuck Norris doesn’t die, death Chuck Norrisses. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.  And one more thing, death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.  Let’s just say, I’m a little sore.  And by a little sore, I mean two broken shoulders, two broken legs and worst of all, my left pinky got scratched (making this very hard to type). Anyways, next thing you know, people are going to start demanding I do some work to get my well earned no bonus this year.

At least I’m not the only hot mess today.

I mean, Iron Mike Tyson has messed up a lot of things…

sdfdf

…but losing to Little Mac?  That must have been hard to take. 

 

And I guess Happy Gilmore’s girlfriend…

...and

…forgot to eat pieces of crap for breakfast.

 

Best way to stop a good soccer player….

...is way to stop a show off.

…a new defensive move.

 

Oh my gosh, this is so gross…

....

….they left an sliver of onion on his burger.

 

Wow, cool Honda…

dfdf

…can I take A CLOSER LOOK??????????

 

And my golf ball got dirty…

...

…so I decided to get rid of it.  Involuntarily.

 

I was test driving a car this week at the dealership…

sdfdf

… and needed to figure out if it came with four wheel drive. 

 

 

Then somehow…

sdfd

…someone lost the balloons for my surprise party.

 

Then at the mini golf range…

dfdf

…they added a few new water hazards.

 

Then I decided to go for a stroll…

dsffd

…and ended up going swimming.

 

Then I couldn’t figure out directions to the lake..

...you otter know.

…I mean, someone otter know.

 

And last night I was in a hurry to go…

...

…but my headphones weren’t quite ready.

 

Anyone else get a stupid light going on in their car? Or have to fight a superhuman guy named Chuck? Or forget their headphones were on? Let me know what happened in your hot mess of a week.

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Hot Mess of Pottage Ben

The Bitter Trolls living under the internet come up to the Surface

 

This is my communit

A community of Bitter People. 

I am a huge fan of Community. Not the people in my community, or going to community events or community gatherings.  That requires people skills and being a grown up, both skills which I choose not to have.  I’m talking about the former NBC show that was so highly rated that it became a Yahoo Screen show (yes, you know the Yahoo equivalent Netflix or Hulu, except no one has heard of it).  The show that is about people that are so sarcastic and bitter that only the elite bitter among us get it.  Jeff Winger is the like the richer, more handsome, funnier, smarter version of me. He cares not what you think and just wants people to leave him alone.

Other than Jeff, my favorite character is Troy Barnes, the other half of the best friend combo of Troy and Abed.  He is naive, funny and in one episode has a falling out with Abed so intense that it has to be settled on the battleground of the Pillow Forties vs. and Blanket Forties. (Who said the Fourties were so bad?) In real life, he is played by Donald Glover, who also plays a rapper called Childish Gambino, which he came up with using, no lie(according to Wikipedia, which does not lie), a Wu-Tang Clan name generator.  I should probably change my name using that thing, when I get a chance to see what it is.

One of titles of Childish Gambino’s songs, is Life: The Biggest Troll.  I know it was a stretch to get here by this long intro, but here we are.  The internet has created things that never could have been conceived of, but internet trolls are one of the worst.  But without the internet, these trolls would still exist.  Just in real life.

Here are just a few that I will share with you.  Then at the end of class, you can comment and tell me your favorite internet trolls that have invaded your real life.

First graders – How in the heck did these guys become smarter than me?  Not at math, because I could totally destroy them at long division, but in real world useful things, like knowing who the  internet trolls are.  I asked my first grader last night what a troll was and he educated me on the subject like he had written his master’s thesis on it.  He sited examples, “Well, there in Minecraft there is M3rkMUS1c40 and there is GBTRollSkillz. They are always spawning Zombies, and pushing people off tall buildings.”  Me: “Oh yeah. So you’ve seen that on YouTube.com?” and he’s like, “Dad, you don’t have to call it YouTube.com, just YouTube.” Well, he taught me.

Birds – Okay dude.  Birds. You know they have places to poop just like us, right? Birdbaths, forests, other places that aren’t me.  You know they can control when they do it right? Just like we can? Yet, on an almost daily basis they leave it on my car.  Or on my lawn.  Or on my face.  Not all birds do it, just the troll birds.  And talk about show offs when it comes to flying.  They sit there in the road, right in from of our cars, making us think that we are going to hit them, so we hit the brakes, just before we hit them, and then they fly off at the last second like they don’t have a care in the world.

The DMV – They know you need a license in order to drive your beat up stupid car.  They know that the only day you can get your license is on Saturday.  They know that you like to sleep in on Saturday.  So they set up the DMV like a Black Friday sale, but without the chance of a stupidly low price on a TV, or a six pack of socks.  The only prize is waiting with other bitter people just like yourself who waited until the last minute.  They give the least amount of customer service possible, because what are you going to do? Get them fired? They work for the government, and they hold a really bad picture with your most important document in their hands.  Don’t mess with these trolls.

Troll Bridges – Some people call them Toll Bridges, but honestly a troll probably does live under there and well, he demands to be paid. They say it is for the necessary construction so the bridge doesn’t collapse into the sea, but those were supposed to be paid for by that gas tax increase we paid years ago.  And also that food tax we paid for the year before and the tax on our cars and the tax on our houses.  I guess they just gave all that money to the troll under the bridge. So he could make Troll House Cookies?

Made by trolls on the bridge, or the internet.

Made by trolls on the bridge, or the internet.

Nestles Troll House Cookies – I used to think these tasted good, until I heard they were made by the trolls under the bridge and those aren’t really chocolate chips.

Lay’s Potato chips – According to the press release they made a while ago, “Bet you can’t just eat one.”  Maybe that was true a while ago, when they just had the regular flavor.  But then they did a contest called Do us a Flavor, where people got to submit their favorites and then they actually used them.  They are totally trolling us with flavors like Wasabi Ginger (a Wasabi without a soul I guess), Cappuccino and Chicken and Waffles.  Yes, I can just eat one of those.

Yes, give me just one.

Yes, give me just one.

Alright, your turn.  What are some internet trolls that came to life for you?

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitterly Trolled Ben