Slow Start Friday Giftures

When it comes to getting going on the day, I am a molasses starter.  I’m not talking about waking up, which I do after the first alarm, or being awake (I only sleep 5-6 hours a night) but getting a start on being productive.  But on the other hand, when I’m only productive about 1-2 hours a day (when I happen to be writing my blog), it doesn’t matter if I get a slow start, middle or ending.  But I’ve heard many people have troubles starting the day without a little jolt or boost(coffee, energy drinks, electrical shock), but why start out so abruptly anyways? But in case you need something to ease your day into, here are some Friday Giftures to help you avoid early morning efficiency.

Pour a little sugar in the engine…


…that’ll slow this car down…

Make sure the floor are slippery….


…so you can begin your slow descent down to the floor. 

Make sure you slow your breathing...


…so no one thinks you are there..

Make sure you slow everything down…


…so even your hand falls asleep. 


Clearly this guy needs to be in less of a hurry…


…to get to work. 


Clearly this guy didn’t follow the hard fast rule…


…of never leaving the couch once you are on it…

And this guy gets punished for trying to be in a hurry…


….but at least he will get to lay there for a while.

Even being in a hurry in the weather…


…gets you a seat in the puddle.


And trying to speed through getting taller…


…makes you come up short.

Other times when you are too slow to school…

the-future-of-combining-gifs-is-now-10-gifs-51 end up having to wave to the annoying person.


And speed talkers in the morning, mid-day, afternoon or night…


…just stop talking.

Or there will be a storm coming your way…



Go ahead and get your jump starter on the day.  Be productive if you want, but I’ll be sitting here, working on my inefficiency, slugging my way through the day while you get get things done, only to go home and go out and party, while I sit here like a bump on a highway.  Bitter weekend, overachievers.


Bitterly Slow Starter Ben

Bitter Car Problems

Mine was not the one on the left.

Mine was not the one on the left.

Tuesday at noon I walked briskly to my car (your equivalent of running) for lunch as usual, to escape the mad house that was Monday morning.  I put my key in the starter, quickly turned it and it didn’t start.  Turned it again, and again no go.  I didn’t have time for it at the moment, because I have all kinds of important things to do at lunch like eating.  And all kinds of things later this week that required that my car work.  So I just hoped for the best, got it started with some struggle later in the afternoon, and made it home.

It was still not starting like normal, so I had to call in an expert to look at it.  My brother-in-law came over, popped open the air filter that looked like it had gone through two wars and a depression and asked, “When was the last time you changed this?” Of course, I’m like, “Never.  Why would I ever change that?”  And he said, “You’re supposed to change this like once a year.” and I was like, “I’ve only had this car for 7 years, so the average amount of time I’ve changed it is, carry the one, um zero times a year, average. So I’m only off by once a year.”  Needless to say, the car started with ease as soon as he took it out.  I was advised to go get a new filter.

It takes a lot of parts to run a Bitter car.  It takes even more to run a Bitter Ben.

Accelerator – Believe it or not, I have one.  Believe it or not, I don’t use it most of the time.  In fact, using it would be completely anti-productive.  Because I don’t operate in drive.  I don’t even operate in neutral.  I operate in Park, as in park myself on the couch. The only reason I would have for an accelerator, was to get out of an awkward situation like having to talk to someone.

The only reason for me to have an accelerator.

The only reason for me to have an accelerator.

Exhaust – It takes a lot of work to be bitter.  Some people think I wake up looking this bad.  But it takes a team of people ignoring me to get the scowl just right, the sour puss look just right, and the hair looking perfectly disheveled and the eyebrows to come together in just the wrong unibrowed way.  And after getting ready, I’m all out of energy, so I’m just exhausted.

I'm exhausted.

I’m exhausted.

Brakes – I take a lot of them.  In fact, I take all of them.

Good use of brakes.

Good use of brakes.

Carburetor – No one really knows what a carburetor does in a car.  But I am a Car Berater.  Whenever I see my car not working, despite the fact that I haven’t changed the air filter in seven years, or I haven’t gotten an oil change in a year, or I haven’t filled the gas tank in two weeks, I start berating the car.  Though the car shouldn’t feel bad, because I berate all kinds of inanimate objects that don’t work.  The toaster, the TV, the Microwave, the computer, the phone.  So the car should just get over itself and stop being such a whiny brat and just take me to work like I tell it to.

Sometimes you need to berate your car.

Sometimes you need to berate your car.

Fuel – Something has to fuel the bitterness.  Believe me, this is not the 1973 oil crisis where people had to wait in line for overpriced gas.  This is more like the Deloreon at the end of Back to the Future when Doc Brown visited the future.  The gas tank took banana peels, empty cans and even garbage.  My bitter fuel tank will accept any combination of rage, frustration, under appreciation, perceived slights, or even an unwelcome nod.

Sometimes you get a little frustrated.

Sometimes you get a little frustrated.

Filters – There is all kinds of happy people wandering around and a bitter person needs a way to keep them from infecting his roughly running bitter machine.  That is where the filters come in.  There are happy filters, achievement filters, optimism filters, and even efficiency filters.  Though I have from time to time not checked the filters for seven or so years, I always manage to have enough bitter willpower to overcome those  things. Sometime my happiness filter is full of too much sunshine or the optimism filter is too full of rainbows(there can be no rainbow without the miserable rain. Think negatively!) but I will always find a gunky filter to shut those things out from my bitter brain.

Some people need a filter.

Some people need a filter.

So take care of your bitterness machines by neglecting them.  Because with improper care, they can take you on short journeys.  And isn’t a short journey all you really want to take?


Bitter Fuel Raged Ben


The Ubiquitousness of Bitter Sighs


Bitterness for me has always been a gift.  It started at such a young age, that it was my first memory.  Before I could walk or talk or even babble, I remember the first time I was bitter.  I was chilling in my mom’s stomach for about nine months, rent free, warm, posing for pictures every once in a while, you know, lifestyles of the young and famous.  Then, all of a sudden she decides to kick me out, without notice or reason into the cold.  I remember just screaming, “Whhhhaaaaatttt is up with this!”  “It is so brrrrrrriiiiiigggghhhhtttt and cold out here!”  “Hooooooooowwwww could you do this to meeeeeee!”  They put me in some crappy hospital blanket and then cut my food supply off.  “What’s next?  You gooooonnnna throw me out in the street?”  Then my mom and dad had the gall to smile at me, like I was happy to be out.  Ever since that day, I’ve been bitter.  About being here, about getting kicked out.

Since then, I’ve expanded my bitterness to other people besides my parents.  My parents got so tired of me using the screaming and crying way of communication that they tried to teach me how to speak.  So words became a way to express my bitterness.  At first, people found it charming that I would say, “You’re a poopy head!” and “Leave me alone, I’m brooding!”, but people didn’t find it as charming when I graduated from high school.  So I had to learn new ways of communicating with people that would show them my bitterness.

While not everyone is smart enough to figure out how bitter I am without me telling them the exact reason I am bitter, most people can pick up on these favorites of mine.

The Aggressive Sigh.   This technique is subtle, but a favorite of mine.  It works best when it is pretty quiet, and a boss or co-worker is walking by, that knows that they make you bitter all the time.  This isn’t just a typical sigh, where you are just expressing bitterness to yourself, but a really loud, almost condescending tone that shows that a task has been assigned to you that makes no sense, is completely innane or stupid, or if you have all kinds of work when all your co-workers and standing around gossiping like they’ve never had an assignment to do ever.

Notice how she also uses the eye roll at the end.

Notice how she also uses the left eye roll(someone says something stupid) at the end.

The Death Stare. This one takes a lot of practice for some people.  If you are born with a natural smile and pleasant looking face, this will take some work.  You will need to get into a fight that messes up your face or own a cat in sub zero temperatures that continually wants to go out into the cold, but when you open the door it freezes up because it can’t stand to go out.  This cycle will continue all night.  The stare will move naturally from the cat to humans who will ask for a report, get it, then tell you they didn’t need it.  That cycle will also continue.

The death stare, as demonstrated by Micheal Scott.

The death stare, as demonstrated by Micheal Scott.

Eye roll. A correctly used eye roll is hard to pull off.  It requires just the right amount of movement of the eye from the center position to either the high right or high left of your eyelids.  The key to the eye roll is timing.  It must be seen by the recipient of your bitter rage.  But it must be just as they are walking away and it should only be in their peripheral vision.  It must create a sense of “Was that guy just rolling his eyes at the stupid thing I just said?” but enough to create reasonable doubt that they were just seeing things.  Also, remember that a left eye roll is for stupid things said and a right eye roll is for useless things.  To really emphasize an eye roll, a subtle headshake will really bring your point home.

The left eye roll suggests her mother just said something stupid.

The left eye roll suggests her mother just said something stupid.

Aggressive downward look. This is when you get extra bitter at someone.  It must be someone that your normally at least give a passing glaze at.  This should also be someone who “thinks” somehow that you are friends or even aquaintances.  This one has to be when you and your victim are the only ones in a longish hallway.  It is a gutsy move, because common courtesy(I’m gonna have to speak to this common courtesy person) is that you at least acknowledge the existence of others in a one on one hallway situation.  Be brave in your bitterness and remain strong.  Don’t make eye contact with this person even once.  Just as the moment seems right to nod your head, say hi or at least look at this person, aggressively thrust your head down to the ground.  The best results are if the person awkwardly says hi, or tries to nod when you can’t see them.  It will cause them confusion and question why they ever messed with you.


Look down…!

Pounding keyboards. Obviously this one only works when you are at a keyboard, but will work on a phone in a pinch.  When your boss, co-worker, family members or parole officer has assigned you with a difficult task like sending an email, taking out the trash, or remaining under house arrest, you can show your displeasure by finding the nearest keyboard, and pounding on it.  For realism’s sake, you can have a computer monitor attached to the keyboard, or better yet, something on the monitor that suggests you are actually typing the aggressive thing that you want to say.  This one works the best when the rest of the areas is quiet and is combined with the Death Stare, Aggressive Sighs, and Eye Roll techniques.

Be vewy, vewy, quiet. pound away on the keyboard.

Be vewy, vewy, quiet. Okay…Now! Pound away on the keyboard!

I know that you will never master the techniques I have spent a lifetime perfecting, but these tips and tricks will deliver you the results you want it show your passive aggressive rage to all the idiots in your life.  And if they aren’t working, I encourage you to give up.  Because you are lame and practice will not make perfect.


Bitter Sighs 12 Ben

Bitter News From The Couch Vol. 3

There’s a reason why I do Bitter News from the Couch.  First of all, it is the weekend and where else would I be? Where else should I be? There is no excuse to ever leave the couch on a weekend.  And second, how else would I be able to learn so much about the little things, if I was out doing big things? There is a whole different perspective that you can only get from the couch.

This week we learn the tragic tale of a bitter man, a pizza, and a couch and how redemption doesn’t happen for everyone.  We also learn how a World Wide Day of observance becomes a localwide case of ignorage.

And as always, there is a beginning, a middle, and a bitter end.  There are like a billion reasons why you shouldn’t take three and a half minutes to watch the Bitter News and make me internet famous, but there’s at least one that you should.  Give me three and a half minutes to think about what that reason is while you watch it.  Oh yeah, it’s because it’s freaking Sunday and what else are you doing? It’s not like there is a football game or ten on today.  And I’m sure there are no brunches or naps or church services to attend to on your lazy Sunday.  But imagine this.  Imagine watching a program called Bitter News from the Couch, while being bitter and watching it from the couch.  Talk about your Inception moment.


Bitter News From The Couch Vol. #3 Ben

Bitter Transition Gifture Friday

This week we made the transition from summer to fall.  On the calendar maybe.  In my mind summer was over looong ago.  For some reason the sun and the moon seem to think they are in charge of the changing of the seasons, but they have been overtaken.  You know who makes the decisions on when the seasons change? People. Perception.
And you know how different every single person thinks.  Some say the moment school starts, others say the first moment they see package of candy that has Halloween on it, others might say its when they have to first wear long sleeves.  Other measure it by when football starts. This is why the seasons have such a hard time making transitions.  Speaking of bad transitions, here are the bitterest gifs of the week.

Whoops.. a little too excited and punched myself in the eye.

…got a little too excited and punched myself in the eye.

So this weekend we need to get our chores done…


…so just make sure you drone on about it.

And when people ask you to do something…


…try to be a little flexible about it. 

Maybe try something new…


…like pizza…

Speaking of pizza…

...anyone want some Little Siezure's Pizza?

…maybe try a Little Siezure’s Pizza.

Maybe after that we can have some cake…


…with a nice cold glass of this girl is crazy.

Then we can go to a football game…


…for another glass of this girl grew up and is still crazy.

Before we go out though…


…we need to baby powder our faces….

We need to get our…


…walking shoes on.

Slide into something..

...slide into something

…more comfortable…

Then we need to hop in…


…the time machine…

So we can finally go out…


…and grab something to eat. 

So as we poorly transition to fall, and see the light quickly fade to the dark, let’s get bitter that we are just one more day closer to winter, where we will experience the same old dark, non ending snow stories, the depression of January’s resolutions and February’s Valentines nightmares.


Bitter Ben better transitions than in a Junior High






The 42 Year Old Version

Drop some philisophical knowledge on us Neo.

Drop some philosophical knowledge on us Neo.

I know some people loved the Matrix and didn’t love Matrix Reloaded, but I loved it for many reasons, so therefore it is great because I said it was.  If you don’t like it, go to Rotten Tomatoes and let your incorrect opinion be ignored by the masses.   Regardless of your feelings about the Matrix and its philosophical discussions, there is one scene in which Neo is discussing with the head chancellor (or whatever leadery name you want to call him) about the relationship between man and machine.  Despite the fact that machines were currently on the way to kill them, and they should despise machines, the chancellor made the point that we need machines as much as they need us.  At the moment, the machines below them where giving them power for their lights and their heat and other essential things they needed to survive.

Maybe someday, the machines will become sentient (Hollywood seems to think they will) and rise up and rebel against us, but we really do depend quite on them quite a lot, especially these days.  Think about how different your life would be right now if you didn’t have the internet (No Ben’s Bitter Blog? How would I be as bitter right now without it?), phones, televisions, heaters, electricity, toasters, cars, refrigerators, or your Brookstone  Zero Gravity Massage Chair? How would you ever relax at the end of a hideous day of farming or working at the General Store? What would you sit down and stare at on the couch after your long commute in horse traffic on the I-405 Chisolm Trail without your TV? How would you exercise at 3:30 am at the Old West 24 Hour Fitness without your Stair Stepper 2000 telling you how many miles you have to go?

How would you ever do without this fancy machine?

How would you ever do without this fancy machine?

The Head Chancellor in the Matrix had a point.  Regardless of how little we “think” we don’t depend on technology, we do.  And a lot more than we think.  Instead of fighting them and trying to unplug them from my life, I have embraced machines.  In fact, I’ve often talked about how badly I want to be a cyborg.  Metal knees, metal back, metal heart please (so I can stop all the feelings except for the bitter).   Social occasions, would be much improved because my metal brain would not compute what you are saying and just ignore it, or spout out, “Does not compute! Does not compute!” and when I get tired of listening to you for 20 minutes, or grew tired of your idiotic questions (do you use a 5W 30 synthetic or a 15W 40 Conventional to lubricate those joints?), I would have an easy out(battery needs recharging…gottttaaa goooo).

Gotta go, my battery is wearing down.

Gotta go, my battery is wearing down.

Why should we fight our relationship with machines anyways? We so closely resemble them nowadays that we are starting to grow and learn like them.

We don’t evolve, grow or learn, we upgrade.  We don’t have flaws, we have bugs.  We don’t have sickness, or illness, we have viruses.   We aren’t made up of DNA and cells, we are just a bunch of code, a bunch of 1’s and 0’s.

I don’t look at people as a better or worse as they age (or more bitter if we are talking about me), I just look at myself as Bitter Ben version 42.8.248  I don’t look at myself at being more proficient at writing, I just got a more efficient Word Processor that has more features added and some subtracted.  My spelling program is already linked to Google or spell check, so I don’t need that program.   I don’t ignore my supervisor any more over time, it’s just that my ear program has heard the same algorithm way too many times and my  Ignorage 8.0 program has learned to ignore the Clique motivational phrases (Keep working smarter, not harder.)

Supposedly, we are superior in every way to robots and androids and they should just be left to the conventional tasks that are just too hard or mundane for us right? Like running assembly lines or making sure the heat and lights stay on? But they are getting better at thinking.  The IBM SuperComputer beat the one guy in chess. And my computer can spell way better than me (as evidenced by all the red squiggly lines all over the pre edit of this post). Why are we fighting against them? Let’s just upgrade ourselves by combining with them and become Transformers.

That way, when the Chinese President comes to visit Seattle and decides to shut down the Freaking  I-405, so he can treat it like his personal Autobahn if he wants (have you heard of helicopters Mr. President? They don’t even require a road!), I don’t have to wait bitterly in traffic for 2 1/2 hours.  I can just transform and rollout (Take the more direct route home) or better yet, launch a full out assault with the laser beams attached to my head on the Chinese president’s entourage . If you’re gonna shut down traffic, might as well shut it down with style.

If you're gonna mess with traffic, mess it up with explosions.

If you’re gonna mess with traffic, mess it up with explosions.

Join the revolution.  You can fight against it, or just embrace it.  Machines are getting upgraded all the time.  And if I can combine with them to watch TV on my own arm screen or be able to transform into a couch to become even more lazy, I’m there. That to me is the real upgrade.


Bitter Ben 42.8.248

Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Customers vs. Customer Service

No Alexander, you put the thing up to your ear.

No Alexander, it’s not a trumpet. You put the thing up to your ear.

This epic struggle between customer and customer service started when Alexander Graham Bell grew tired of his wife nagging him all the time to get off the couch so they could go visit her mother who lived like across town.  He was like, “Why hasn’t someone invented a device where you can just talk to her from here? Why do we have to trudge all the way across town just so you can ask her what she does to condition her hair?”

He grew tired of having to get pants on for just to go and listen to his wife and mother-in-law jabber endlessly.  So he went outside to his tool shop to find a solution and came up with the idea for the phone.  Now he could rest in peace on his couch while his wife and mother-in-law chatted endlessly.  Until he got the bill for $300 in the mail.  He wasn’t having any of that because clearly money didn’t grow on trees back then.  So he called AT&T to ask what the membership fee, the on air fee and the taxes were all about.  He had signed up for the straight talk $50 a month plan.  And the first customer service call was born.

The bitter customer service vs. customer rivalry has evolved over the years technology wise, but the players are the same.

Yeah, customers are always right. And fantastic tippers.

Yeah, customers are always right. And fantastic tippers. Thanks for that tip NFL running back LeSean McCoy.

The customer is a conniving, weaselly, no good, very bad complainer and whiner and will do anything to get a free upgrade, no charge on their shipping, a reduction in their payments, or a new phone.  By claiming their dog ate their phone, they didn’t really order the Panda Pillow Pet, they don’t get paid until next Friday, their luggage was only 58 pounds (over the limit), the card they tried to use only expired two years ago, and so forth they hope to get over on everyone.

The customer is an Unstoppable Force.  Nothing will get in their way. They will use excuses.  They will lie to their mother, they will steal from their brother.  They will maim their uncle’s cousins sister, they will raise their voices and scream in order to get what they want.  If pushed they will fight, scratch and claw, and use their most powerful technique, “I want to speak to your Manager.”  Because they know that someone once said, “The customer is always right.” and they will not stop until someone on the other line admits it.  But I’m telling you this: I have a Bridge from Alaska to Russia to sell you if you believe in that snake oil salesman’s pitch.

Yeah right they are always right.

Yeah right they are always right.

The customer service rep is a cubicle dwelling, headset wearing, upgrade selling, boring story telling, buzzkill inducing, double talking, son of a hairdresser and Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball operator.  The customer service rep is a companies gatekeeper.  They are the Immovable Object. The guard at the gates, the moat in front of the castle, the Dome around the city, the password that is 50 characters long, needs a Capital letter, a number, a strange character like !@# and only allow one shot without shutting you down.  They have all kinds of barriers to entry at their disposal.

Just try to get to a customer service rep.

Just try to get to a customer service rep.

The first barrier is the phone tree.  This is the endless maze in Harry Potter that moves and has magical creatures that are there to stop you.  They will stop at nothing to get you to hang up.  For those brave enough, smart enough and patient enough to get through the maze, they then are faced with the enemy of a thousand faces.  They could get any number of 500 people on the other end of the phone and they could be having a bad day just like you.  Don’t let this rep hang up, because if you do, you will never be able to find them again.  The only power the customer has in this situation is to hang on for their very life to the life preserver that the rep can’t hang up until they ask, “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”, but they will use all kinds of trickery to get you to hang up yourself.  Confusion. The Hold Button. A different offer that can save you money. Distracting you by asking about your day.  You may be trying to keep them on the line, but if you do, you will be tortured with all kind of things they will make you want to hang up in frustration.

The phone tree.

The phone tree.


So, who wins? Or more accurately, who loses? Who is the most bitterly frustrating? As one who has been on both sides, I can tell you that I think both are equally bitter frustrating people.  And honestly, I’m not sure if I was worse as a customer or as a customer service agent. 


Bitter Customer vs Customer Service Ben

David vs. Goliath Bitterness

Bring it!

Bring it!

We all know the story.  A huge hulk of a man, strong, armored to the hilt, weapons of all kinds at his disposal, arrogant, taunting a whole nation of people to come and fight him for their country.  None of the strong opponents would stand up against him.  And why would they? They would get crushed.  Goliath could take most of them down in one stroke without even trying.  He had no weakness.


Sheep hearding like a boss.  Or more like an entry level worker.

David on the other hand was youngest of many brothers, not trained in war, wasn’t very old, and was pretty weak compared to the rest.  But he wouldn’t be intimidated. This guy was threatening his family, his country and his people.  So he was brave enough to stand up to the bully.

There are multiple examples of this story every day.  I saw a movie last night called Little Boy, a story of a World War 2 era boy whose best friend, his only friend, his father was called into war because his son, Little Boy’s older brother had flat feet and couldn’t go.  Pepper(Little Boy) was surrounded by Goliath’s both literal and figurative in all aspects of his world.  His brother thought he was a menace, the biggest boy in town bullied him constantly, and a war took his father away from him.  He was scared of all of them, but stood up to all of them.  How about us?  When we face Goliath’s in our lives do we face them with courage or do we shrink in fear? Or are we the Goliath’s, intimidating people in our stature, with our power in our companies, our families, our social media circles, or even just our social circles?

Or sometimes we are a little of both. A lot of people would assume that I am a Goliath, using my powerful bitterness to intimidate other people into joining the Bitter side.  I would actually contend that I am a David.  When I started this blog I was just this weak little bitter voice, carrying around my 5 stones of bitterness, taking on the heavily armed Goliath of happy, upbeat, positive bloggers and people in general.  But then I realized I’m not even David, because he actually succeeded in taking down Goliath.  Or maybe I’m the David that just had bad aim.  I threw my five stones and missed completely.  And then I ran back to the river and found five more stones, but they weren’t near as smooth as the previous 5 and they were even less accurate than before.

Maybe I'm just the tall, bitter guy in the back.

Maybe I’m just the tall, bitter guy in the back.

And…my analogy isn’t going so well.  Maybe, Goliath is too lazy to come after me, and maybe I’m more of a middle management warrior who is just standing in the middle of the army waiting for David to come along and slay this guy, so I can be part of the winner.  Or maybe, I’m on Goliath’s side, hiding behind the Giant, kind of bored because action isn’t happening, except for my guy is yelling out threats for three days.  Maybe I wish I was at home, just chilling on my stony couch, hitting my stone remote control hoping that someone will invent a device that I can watch while I’m chilling on my stone couch.  And maybe I just want a circular bit of cooked wheat that has some tomato sauce, and some of that goat cheese and perhaps some of that pepperoni stuff from Italy I’ve been hearing about.

Perhaps, I’m out there hoping that we can get some gold from the Israelites, because we haven’t been paid for 3 months, and we haven’t gotten a raise in two years because the government has been taking taxes to pay for all Goliath’s armor and weapons.

Maybe my chariot needs fixing and but I can't get paid my shekel of Gold and two goats until this fighting starts.

Maybe my chariot needs fixing and but I can’t get paid my shekel of Gold and two goats until this fighting starts.

My chariot needs some serious repairs and my wife needs a new pan, and my kids need need the 9.0 upgraded stone tablets for “school” when all they ever do is play “Israelite Crush” or “Boom Desert” on their tablets.  And I think we need some mud for our roof because it is leaking.

Ugggh.  Can someone just end this thing? My knees are aching and I’m tired of standing out here.  Sunburn, sand in my sandals, my helmet is getting to sweaty, and my armor seems a little too tight, because we haven’t been to training camp for a while.

So face your Goliaths people.  Be a David.  Or a Goliath.  But just don’t take forever, because some of us would like to be home chilling on our couches.


Bitter David v. Goliath Ben

Winners and losers Friday Giftures


I’m not a competitive person at all which is great, but my son is, so every time I go to the car, I’m in an Amazing Race for my life with my son.  If I was a competitive person, I would be devastated all the time, because I don’t think I’ve beat him in a race since 2006 (he was born in 2007).  In life, when there is a winner, that means there is always going to be a loser.  In my life, I guess that is always me.  But believe you me, there is no grace or civility when I lose.  I’m no sore loser either. I’m a bitter loser. Just like some of the following people.

In the race between waterfall and the skier…


…skier didn’t even have a chance.

In this motorcycle fight…


…everyone lost.

In this boxing match between this girl and her shadow…

shadow win this time.

…she just couldn’t lose the shadow.

Parkour was winning for a while…


…until the last round, when mailbox landed the knockout punch.

The Amazing Race around the world starts…


…never mind.  It’s cancelled.

In the curious case of Man vs. Hamburger…


…cow wins by a foot. 

In the motorcycle vs. purse snatcher…



…it was a landslide.

Though when in competition with a car…


…this motorcycle went down.

Can you take out the trash?….


…that’s a bunch of garbage. 

In this game of catch…


…the winner was laziness.

In this game of ping pong…


…luck was the winner. 



…no winners in this one. 

Ultimately we will all fail, because according to Nike, or Vince Lombardi or some other freaking so called “genius”, “Second place is first loser.” Good thing because I usually come in last place.  So I’m the last loser.  And that just gives me more time to be bitter about it on the couch while you losers are out there competing.


Bitter Loser Ben

Bitter Ben Face

The headphones are for zoning you out.

The headphones are for zoning you out.

My long, thin horsey face is full of a lot of things.  Crap yes, but other things too.  It is the home to two dull brown/hazel eyes that are good for seeing right past you into a vast wasteland. They also show you that I am not at all interested in looking at you. They have the automatic eye roll on lock every time you say something.  They see you coming from a mile away and alert me to walk somewhere else, or to pretend to be on a call, or a busy project.  These eyes outsmart you in every way.

My nose can sniff out your bullcrap anywhere.

My nose can sniff out your bullcrap anywhere.

My nose could sniff out your bad excuses or your bull crap line in a field of carnations.  You are sick today? No,you are not.  You were just so tired of having to take on my work for a week and you realized just how much I do everyday and how little you do.  You’re horrified that someone will find out how little you do everyday, so you fake sick once every two weeks, just so you can get behind a little and “seem” busy.  My slackiest day is busier than your worst nightmare day.  Just keep trying to pretend like you matter.

These ears? Doing my best to not listen to you.

These ears? Doing my best to not listen to you.

These earholes? They are busy ringing from the music I had to play too loud so I could forget just a few of the constant stream of words you never stop using. You spew all kinds of “knowledge” you “claim” you got from a text book in college, but really you just read in the National Enquirer or TMZ.  Remember when the rabbit said, “If you can’t say something nice to say, don’t say nothing at all?”  What he really meant was for you to “just not say anything at all.”  Because out of all 150,000 words you said today all zero of them were important.  You could have read from the Scholastic Spelling Bee’s dictionary of important words and all of those words coming out your mouth sound like “duh” “uhh” “bae” and “deez” to me.

He really means you.

He just means you.

My mouth? It is meant for eating.  Pizza, nachos, Skittles, tacos, bagels and cheese, Bizzards, and Triple Cheeseburgers, but mostly you for breakfast.  It doesn’t say words for the sake of speaking.  That is what the keyboard is for.  It reserves this dull monotone voice for business purposes only.  The business of taking you to school, dropping you off in your kindergarten class and making you go Billy Madison, just so you can keep up.  You could get a doctorate in wit and sarcasm and you would still be in mile 1 of the marathon, when I’m on mile 26.  Your head is going to have be reattached, because it is spinning so bad.   This mouth does not speak the words of small talk. Stuff like “Hey, how is your day going?” or “Did you know that….” don’t come out in that order from this guy.  I don’t ask questions unless I care about the answer.  Which I why I don’t ask you any questions.

This mouth isn't for talking, it's for eating.

This mouth isn’t for talking, it’s for eating.

This skull? Contains the brain that isn’t Google.  It isn’t even the brain of Wikipedia. It doesn’t know useless things like math, or Trivial Pursuit answers.  It doesn’t care about the weather in Witchita, or the football fantasy score of HomerBlade436, or the side effects of Praxil for your moderate to severe monotosis.  It doesn’t care about where the comma goes in Youre or what the sixth fork does in a formal dining situation.  It doesn’t care about enthusiasm, teamwork or cooperation. It is laser focused on food, couch, video game, bitterness, and Community (not the community around me, but Community the show, which focuses not on worldly issues, but the issues of seven selfish people, like me).

And yeah, my brain signals my fingers to type this tripe.  So if you want someone to complain to, don’t get mad at my fingers for writing this worthlessness, get mad at my skull for letting my bitter brain escape and bully my fingers. My brain is the one that let Id have a chance, while Ego and SuperEgo take the night off so they can watch some TV.  Probably Community.


Bitter Ben Face

Bitter Rivalry of the Week: The Roads vs The Car

Coming through!

Coming through!

Every single day, an epic battle commences between these two bitter rivals. The rubber meets the road. The pavement meets the tire.  The asphalt meets the exhaust and when all is said and done both are left exhausted.  The bitter rivalry of the week is the car vs. the road.

All roads every want to be is smooth as the jazz you play on your car radio.  All they want is their face to be free of oil and pollution and exhaust so they can have Clearasil clear skin, and yet all they get are huge zits (potholes) everywhere because cars just seem to want to drive all over them.  Where ever they go, they cars seem to be automatically attracted to them.  Driving all over them, being all heavy and weighing them down.  And when cars aren’t driving all over them, they are sitting on them.  Just like a mean older brother would sit on a younger brother (I would know, I was the older brother).  They claim they are just sitting there because of a red light, but how is the road supposed to know that? So they are supposed to believe that light is stopping the car from moving? And why do they always gather together every morning at 8 am to sit on us and not move for hours? It’s just so mean.

Pothole 1, Car 0.

Pothole 1, Car 0.

Cars on the other hand, all they ever want is run smooth.  To stay together.  They want to be one big happy family.  They don’t want squeaky brakes, or rattly transmission or flat tire.  They just all want to be together and go all places together and really the fastest way possible.  If they could go in a straight line to every place ever, that would be their dream.  But roads just want to take cars on an extreme wild goose chase where ever they go.  How about instead of going straight somewhere we lead you on an obstacle course around the city.  Want to go to work in the 20 minutes it should take? Nope, we are going to lead you on roads that curve.  Want to get there in one piece? Sorry, we’ve got potholes and sewer covers and turtle things in the road so you can’t change lanes smoothly.  And just when you thought you the snow was melted and you can get to work without weather delays? Construction season.  No way you are getting to work without some sort of detour.  You best bring some entertaining tunes on your radio, cause you’re gonna be waiting a while, car.

The Battlefield.

The Battlefield.

The battlefields are out there everyday.  From the  405’s of LA and Seattle, to the I-10’s of Texas, to the I-395’s of DC, and all other horrific commutes of all over the US to the ones of the world, the battle of car vs. road continues to be fought every day.

Who’s side are you on? Does the road deserve to have its smoothness taken away every day by all the vehicles? Is the road a jerk for potholing and constructioning cars to death? And most of all, who is the most bitter?


Bitter Road Warrior Ben


Wiper Blade Bitterness

surprise party

Every day is like a surprise party when I get home. Some parties not as fun as others.


There are a lot of things that annoy me as you may have already been able to deduce from one or possibly two of my other posts.  If you have been able to catch that, congrats on your grasp of the obvious.  You and my doctor would get along great.  As you might also not be aware at all,  I have a very busy job that involves doing things like typing, pushing the word print on a screen and getting up and walking all the way to the printer to pick that piece of paper up.  Then I have to type other things, which makes my fingers very tired.  My brain also gets tired because of it’s limited capacity to tell my other body parts to move and getting ignored.  I do it because it is my job. It’s very exhausting.

When I get home from my job it is like a surprise party every day.  One day, I could get home and the house will be silent because people are tired and are laying quietly watching TV.  Another day, there could be six kids running around destroying furniture, planting feet mines all over the house(legos or other sharp object/toys meant to kill you by foot surprise) and causing noise levels that would make an airplane embarrassed.  Many people would call ahead to find out what mayhem they were in for, but I am usually to tired to do so, and it would ruin the surprise.  Who says I don’t like surprises?

So how does an introvert like me get the down time he requires?  A little thing called a commute.  Or as I like to call it, Sanctuary.  The 45 minutes from work to home is the place where no one tells me what to do.  It is the place where I listen to the music as loud as I want.  It is where the texting with buddies takes place.  It is where the short naps at the long lights happens.  If I had OnStar I would be requesting that it bring me a large pepperoni pizza at the corner of My Time Avenue and Leave me Alone Street.  It’s also where I ignore all the honking and the inappropriate fingers being tossed my way and angry words that I can’t quite hear from other drivers, because my music is too loud and we both forgot to roll down our windows.  Whoops.

An actor paid to look like me while relaxing in my car on the way home.

An actor paid to look like me while relaxing in my car on the way home.

Lately though, there has been a little snag in the sanctuary.  It rains a lot here because apparently we need a little more watering than the people in Arizona.  When it rains, I call upon my well paid employee, the windshield wipers.  “Move the rain out of my way please.”  See how I ask it nicely?  Front passenger side wiper is starting to ignore me.  He’s only been with the Dodge Caliber division of the Ben Bitter corporation for 5 years and already he is getting lazy.   Sometimes he only works intermittently.  Part of his rubber stripping is falling off and he doesn’t even care anymore.  We have a dress code to uphold here.  He is really making me bitter.

My wiper blade work is a little to intermittent. I may have to let him go.

My wiper blades work is a little intermittent. I may have to let him go.

The work ethic of wiper blades just isn’t what it used to be.  I paid like $15.00 for him once.  Do they think that jobs just grow on trees?  In this bad carconomy?  I’ve been thinking about it more lately and I think it is just about time to let Driver Side Front Windshield Wiper go.   I just think that there are more efficient wipers out there.  I might even pay more for a new guy(or girl).  And give them benefits.  When I can find time.


Bitter “Ben-efits” Ben


Fight or Flight Friday Giftures


Sometimes when you get trapped (in your cubicle, or in a store) there are only two things you can do.  You can Fight for Your Right to Party, or you can join the Flight Club, but just remember the first rule about the Flight Club.  Do not talk about the Flight Club.  Second rule, do not talk about the Flight Club.  And by the way, don’t see a movie called the Fight Club starring Brad Pitt.  It is a blatant copy of the original movie Flight Club starring Brad  This weekend, don’t get trapped in your cubicle, or in a store.  Fly on over and check out the Friday Giftures of the Week.

Ummm there’s bacon right there dude…


…no flight should be involved here.

I’m gonna go ahead and say…


…you should have put on your wings for this flight ladies.

If you don’t fly this coop soon…'re gonna get fired.

…you’re gonna get fired.

The best way to avoid getting trapped…


…is to not monkey around.

Spiderman, Spiderman…


…does whatever a Spider can.

When taking flight…


…make sure you avoid catastrophies.

Flight in the white…


…makes for quite a fright in the night.

When someone asks how strong you are…


…flex your arm and say, “The beach is that way.”

And always have the courage…


…to leave them hanging.

When you are trying to fly…

...make sure you give them the face.

…make sure you give them the face.

Let’s just not… about this one.

…talk about this one.



…yeah. That’s a moose. 

So there you have it.  The weekend is upon us.  We have a decision to make.  Do we continue to fly by the seat of our pants or do we fight the power, fight the powers that be?  Just make sure not to fight against the power too much, because losing power makes watching TV and playing video games a lot harder.


Bitter Flight or Fight Ben





Bitter Anti-Social Media

Yes, the obsolescense of theVMA's is sad.

Yes, the obsolescence of the VMA’s is so sad.

There is all kinds of talk about social media and how fantastic it is. You know, how it helps us keep connected with people that we wanted to leave behind a long time ago, but somehow got lucky enough to reconnect with?  Or how Twitter can help us ignore thousands of people almost simultaneously.  How it show can show such a lack of character in 140 characters.  How it can make newspapers, the nightly newscast and MTV’s VMA’s obsolete by taking away all the thunder and ratings by getting all the false rumors first.


Who wants to get disconnected?

And LinkedIn.  How could we live without that? I mean the millions and millions of worthless connections responsible for zero’s of jobs filled in this world.  I can’t laud it anymore if I didn’t try.  The biggest takeaway with social media? It allows all of us to be able to have not only all our dirty laundry, but also our clean and boring laundry out on the world wide web.  We are connected. Everywhere.  But what about the billions of people that don’t want to connect.  Don’t want to be out there. Don’t want any really terrible videos that they made on YouTube?

How about those of us that don’t want to network, that don’t want to work, that don’t want to find a date, that don’t want to tweet or share? That don’t want to go viral? How about those that not only want to avoid being seen online, but offline too? How about those that are actively seeking no one? Where is the anti-social network for those that don’t want to meet people to gather together to not talk?

That’s where my Anti-Social Network, Bitter Link comes in.

This is what Bitter Link, the world's first Anti-Social Network can do for you.

This is what Bitter Link, the world’s first Anti-Social Network can do for you.

Log in and you will be asked a bunch of meaningless questions about yourself, which will be used for absolutely nothing.  You will be able to post things about your meaningless existence which will never be posted anywhere and which will eventually erase things about you online.  For every crappy post you make, a former friend in real life will become a former friend in online life.  Every time you make a boring video, a Beiber loses his wings, (or video online), every tweet you make, a birthday post on Facebook takes away another fake “Happy Birthday” on your wall.

Look at it this way.  In a work meeting, there are probably 40,000 words.  How many of them are useful?   I’m sure in one meeting somewhere, someone has uttered the three words in succession, “Let’s eat Pizza!” by mistake so we know that, yes, a few words were useful.  But other than that and a few other exceptions, there are no useful words that can make up for a 5 sentence email that I can misinterpret.

That is how many words are useful on the internet.  Don’t join another social network so you can get to know another idiot that doesn’t care.  Don’t join another network that helps you find another person to talk to.  Join a network that allows you to kick more useless words from the internet chat room.  Join a network that help you achieve your ultimate nirvana of becoming more and more alone every day.  Join a network that allows you to cut ties with strangers, acquaintances, friends and finally family, as slowly or as fastly as you desire.   Join a network with empty chat rooms and comments sections to stories that weren’t written, retweet tweets that were never typed and pictures that were never posted.

Join a network of people that don’t want to join other people…with anything.

Oh and send me money to help you do it.


Bitter Anti-Social Networking Ben

Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Rest vs. Rust

Some rivalries live up to the hype...

Some rivalries live up to the hype…

In the NBA, after a long basketball season, when a really good team clinches a playoff spot pretty early and they still have a bunch of games left, they have to make a big decision.  Do we rest our best players for the rest of the season, because it is a long season and the could use rest for the playoffs? Or do we keep playing them so they don’t get rusty and forget how to do stuff like dunk with authority and steal like one’s watching?

...and some just fall flat.

…and some just fall flat.

Us bloggers go through the same thing all the time.  We go on a vacation, or we get in a writing slump or school, family or work get in the way and we have to decide if we want to continue giving 4% on the blog or taking some “time off” to refresh ourselves and find our bitter place.  I’ve been doing this blog for 3 and half years and after a 6 post first day and 2 post second day, I wrote maybe once a week, until May when I only wrote 4 posts.  Then I got some actual followers and some actual likers and some actual commenters that could actually relate to the bitterness.  (It’s inside all of us, we just have to acknowledge, then bring it out.)  Pretty much since then, I’ve written 3-5 posts a week (with some guest posters taking over when I was on long vacation.)

Some bloggers prefer rust...

Some bloggers prefer rust…

In those three and a half years, I’ve seen bloggers come and go, some visit once or twice think you are bitter and move on. Others would read every post, like, comment, and be faithful for years and then drop off.  Even some that I though would last forever, dropped the regularness and despite trying to get back into it, never came back on the reg.  It’s a bitter thing to see people come and go, but it is the life of a blogger.  Go back to your first couple of months (or for me, the first year) and check on some of those followers and see how many are still there.  Almost 100% of the ones that followed me from the beginning came up with excuses, and believe me I’ve heard them all.

...some prefer rest.

…some prefer rest.

Having a baby (uh, they have wifi in hospitals now), kid got sick (ever heard of Tylenol), got a promotion (just tell your employees to go away when you have to write a post), had to cross the road to get to the other side(chicken!), dog ate their post work (K, nine reasons are enough).

I’m on vacation this week, and I hate writing at home, (boring work is so much easier to avoid than interesting laying on the couch).  But somehow, I’m powering through it.

I know it’s a little off the topic, but the Bitter Rivalry of the week is Rust vs. Rest.  Do you prefer to power through a post and get it out there even if it isn’t your 100% best of favorite? Or do you take a week or two or three and rest from your blog and hope that no one forgets who the heck you were?

Do you prefer your blog resting on the couch? Or rusting Iron Man’s suits? Let me know in the comments so I can use all this data for absolutely nothing.  So I can file in my circular file of important things to never get to.


Bitter Rusted and Rested Ben

Unplanned obsolescence bitterness

Welcome to Ben's Bitter Obsolete Island. Where things I obsess about go to die.

Welcome to Ben’s Bitter Obsolete Island. Where things I obsess about go to die.

Whether you like it or not, many products and services fail(I’m not the only thing that fails over and over).  It is the nature of things to eventually break whether it is your car, your refrigerator, or Transformer toy collection(like I would know anything about this).  What you may not know is that companies and manufacturers actually plan this, so eventually after a certain time you will have to buy a new thing. It is called planned obsolescence and it is causes people a lot of money, but mostly bitterness.  I know companies eventually need to make money, but making things fail seems like a bitter way to do it(I like their style). What makes me more unforgiveably bitter are the items that aren’t planned, or what I call unplanned obselescence. Bitterly, I contain within in me a curse that causes this rare phenomenon.

Exactly like this, except it was in a bottle and it said Aronia Berry Juice instead of Apple Raspberry.

Aronia Berry Juice is exactly like this, except it comes in a bottle and it says Aronia Berry Juice instead of Apple Raspberry.

I first realized I had the obsolescence curse when I tasted Aronia Berry juice at Costco.  It was in the Bitter aisle between the sweet Grape Juice and sour Lemonade.  One taste and I knew that this was stuff was going to be “accidentally” slipped it into the cart and then dibs claimed by drinking directly out of bottle at home.  After fooling my wife zero times, she allowed me to get it each time we went, because I always chose other healthy options like cupcakes, candy bars and double stuffed crust pizza at Costco.  Just as my favorite juice was becoming the one thing I could count on in life, Costco decided to stab me in the back Little Caesar style and discontinue the juice.  Good thing I didn’t hold a grudge and cancel my membership and burn and Costco to the ground.

You call them an ice cream sandwich. I call them "The Treat that Saved Costco" from my bitter passive aggressive wrath.

You call them an ice cream sandwiches. I call them “The Treat that Saved Costco” from my bitter passive aggressive wrath.

I did allow that Costco to live for one reason only.  Right after I heard about the discontinuance of the juice, and was about to light the match, I decided I needed to cool down, so I sat in one of the freezers.  I looked over and saw what can only be described as ice cream between two chocolate chip cookies.  It had chocolate chips on the outside and they called them Big Ed’s.  I could relate because I knew this rapper named Big and I knew a TV show that had a talking horse name Ed.  This would be the chocolate chip ice cream sandwich with chocolate chips on the outside that would soon be known as the “Treat That Saved Costco” because they would never discontinue it, right?  Well surprisingly, despite my contribution of $50 worth of sales toward this item, they discontinued it. They would now soon feel my passive aggressive wrath.  The last time I checked out with my some wheels of cheese, crate of butter and two BluRays, I gave that checker a very aggressive, bitter stare when she gave me the total of $549.  Don’t mess with the bitter master, you Costco Benedicts.

You might call this Cherry Limeade. I call it the reason that old store "Wal-Mart" no longer exists.

You might call this Cherry Limeade. I call it the reason that old store “Wal-Mart” no longer exists.

Others have turned traitor on me, like the Chips Ahoy with Creme Filling, and more recently, Minute Maid Cherry Limeade, the nectar of the Gods I got from Walmart (the one and only reason I ever went there), and now they rest bitterly in the grocery freezer in the sky.

I would pay a million Schrute Bucks or 5 million Stanley nickels to find out if Dwight ever became Assistant Regional Manager.

I would pay a million Schrute Bucks or 5 million Stanley nickels to find out if Dwight ever became Assistant Regional Manager.

It’s just when you thought only food was a part of my curse, along came bitter television shows that ended too soon.  From the first episode of Smallville, I knew we had a special show on our hands, with the main character Alexander Luthor leading the way, but it sadly ended after only 10 seasons, 200 episodes and a really unpredictable ending where (spoiler warning) Clark Kent becomes a superhero called Superman.  Another unheralded show that no one ever really watch, called The Office (it was a show about bitter people working in an office. Most people thought it was boring, but it had a bitter vibe, which is right up my alley.) only lasted 9 seasons.  It made me bitter that in such a short time, only very few questions were answered. We will never know if that annoying Jim will keep trying to break up the adorable Roy and Pam or if the dynamic and awesome Dwight Shrute will ever stop pranking Jim enough to become assistant regional manager.  And what about Micheal Scarn?  Will that movie ever get a well deserved Dundie Award?

Some would say that I have been cursed with obsolescence all through my life in order to keep me bitter.  But I realized that it is a gift.  It is actually the other way around. I have the power to make things obsolete.  Perhaps you think the government shut down was because of disagreements on health care.  Nope that is all me.  I have just really become a fan of the bitterness the government provides.  So, do you want it to start back up so you can get your health care?  How much is it worth to you for me to not become obsessed with it?  Anything else you might want “obsolete” but want it to look like an accident?  Have a blog you don’t like and want “shut down”? I am your man, for a price.


Bitterly Obsolete Ben

Dental Friday Giftures


I’m no an Anti-Dentite(yes Jerry, I’m bringing it back) but I just paid a visit to my dentist and his crew on Wednesday.  And these guys and girls were all swagging around the DO (Dentist’s Office) like they owned the place (they really only own part of the place).  These guys and girls think they are the baddest administrators of pain on the planet. And they may intimidate kids with their drills and their floss and their water sucking thingys, but I was not intimidated at all.  “Oooh your going to give me some xrays?  I’m so scared.  In fact, why don’t you leave the chest plate protector off this time.  Like I’m afraid of a little radiation.”  They were all like, “We’re gonna give you some numbing for the pain of the drilling of these cavities”, and I’m like, “I don’t need drugs, drill on my teeth for two hours with your little bunny needles and kitty drills.  I’m not afraid of your little Dentite ways.”  And they were like “We’re going to floss your teeth and put some fluoride on it.” And I’m like, “OOOOh, I’m so scared.” and they were like, “Actually this shouldn’t hurt.” and I’m like “Exactly.”

The dentites”claim” they read my blog.  Well, Dentites, it’s time to put your money where your perfectly teethed mouths are.  I’m going to show you some gifs about how your crew operate over there and I want to see some commentage in the section below.  Otherwise, I don’t believe you are the baddest Dentists, Dental Assistants, Dental Hygienists, Scheduling Coordinators, and Financial Coordinators  of pain that you claim you are.

In the meantime, let’s show you how they work…

First thing they do….


…is welcome you to their incredible parking area.



…they provide a convenient way up to their 4th floor facility. 

Then, they set you up…


…in a comfortable position in their waiting room while they are in a 2 hour meeting.

After waiting in the waiting room for a while..


…they ask you to trust them and come on forward, I mean back, yeah back!

And then they are like….


…wait, wait, wait,  never mind, we’re not quite ready for you.

Finally, they say they are ready for you…

 ...and they set you up in a really comfortable chair.

…and they set you up in a really comfortable chair.

Next, they put a drill in your mouth and then start asking questions…


…and you’re like….

Then, they ask…


…would you like any anesthesia? 

And then….

...yeah bring it on...

…they start excavating…

And just when my jaw has opened 180 degrees…


…can you open a little wider please?

And then the dentist….


…steps out of his office…

and asks, “Are you feeling any pain?…


….and I’m like noooooo…uhhhhh…I’m fine….

And on the way out they hand you your bill…

...can we see you in six months

…and I’m like…Gotta Go…


All the work these guys go to and still, I’m like, “So when do we get started? Oh, you’re finished? Geez, I was just getting warmed up! Well I guess if you wimps are done, you’ll need a week to recover? What, six months? Wow, I just don’t see why people are afraid of you….”

See you in six months, Dentites….

Bitter Dental Ben

My Bitter Travels

Most of you could get a pretty good read of who I am as a person by reading what I put out on this blog (I.E. a penchant for laying on the couch and eating pizza), and judge me as lazy and you would be right.  However, if you said something like,”That guy probably never leaves his house,”for once, you would be wrong.  Not that I have wanderlust or anything, because traveling just happens to me.  I go places all the time, and while I never get jetlag, my travels do leave me exhausted.  Come with me on my journeys of the many cities, towns, villages, townships, villas, and municipalities, hamlets, burghs, boroughs, settlements, and metropolises(metropolisi?.)


The first stop on our un-epic journey is Fantasyland(and I’m not talking Disneyland). This is a place where I am an incredible inventor of thousands of things that would make my life and your life way more bitter. I dream of a Fantasyland where ideas are made into inventions, or products or places whenever I think of them.  They don’t take hard work, or ingenuity or anything other than a problem, and my fantastically bitter idea to fix it.

Where I go to be alone.

Where I go to be alone.

Isolation island – Speaking of fantasy lands, I like to go visit Isolation Island a lot.  It’s a world of wonder where I get to be all alone for a while.  The best part about it is that I visit there at some of the most inopportune times.  While at a party, during work, driving home, on a crowded city, etc.  All decisions made are mine and they are final.  I get to make a mess there, and I don’t have to clean it up.  The weather is perfectly terrible there and I don’t even need a passport to get there.  They do a lot of paragliding and gravity is way lighter so I can jump higher to get those coconuts.

Writer Land – There is a Writer Land in Fantasy Land and Isolation Island, but my trips there vary.  Sometimes ideas are stopped up by Writer’s Block Dam, but every once in a while, Writer’s Block Dam bursts and ideas flow out like a volcano exploding, destroying everything else in it’s path.  When the happens, I try to stay in Writer Land as long as possible, but usually Reality and Forgetfulness and Time patch up Writer’s Block Dam pretty fast, so trips here are pretty infrequent.

In writer land you can even write in the sky.

In writer land, you can even write in the sky.

Denial City – This is the first stage of grieving and where I like to spend the most time of the grieving process.  Moving on isn’t what I do.  If it comes down to sitting on the couch and eating pizza and my feelings and being in Denial City or moving off the couch and moving on to another stage, I’ll always choose Denial City.  So much better to pretend things are fine than face reality and know that they aren’t fine.  Denial City also is great for pretending you forgot to pick up your plate or your clothes off the floor.  “I didn’t do it” is Denial City’s motto.

Space out Galaxy –  I go to this place when I don’t sleep a lot.  I always visit randomly.  When I’m in the middle of a large spreadsheet, or being lectured by someone or a in a boring meeting, or when boring people talk to me, I all of a sudden appear here.  Visits can happen anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes and everytime I visit there something more crazy, more fantastical and more random happens.  It’s so unpredictable that you want to stay, but the trip back ALWAYS sucks.  Worse than losing your luggage.  Your lecturer finally notices and yells at you to snap out of it, or your spreadsheet all of a sudden re-appears, or your meeting all of a sudden gets heated.  Great place to visit, but always some pretty bad jet lag on the return trip.

Huh, what did you say? I'm in Space out Galaxy right now.

Huh, what did you say? I’m in Space out Galaxy right now.

Bitter Valley – Not really a place I visit, because it is home.  But it is becoming a more popular place to visit, ever since I started blogging about it, and told people it was acceptable to be here more. Now it seems like it is becoming more a of touristy valley to visit.  While you are here, don’t forget to visit the Complaining Museum, and the Bitter Revenge Cafe, which always serves dishes cold.  Most people return back to Happy Valley eventually, but more and more people are staying here.  There goes the neighborhood.

Reality Metropolis –  This place is the worst, because even though I like to work from Bitter Valley, eventually I have to commute there at least once a week.  The traffic there is terrible, stacks and stacks of work is always there to greet you, and Boredomburgh is one of the worst neighborhoods to drive through.   The only places to visit there are Spreadsheet Stadium, Staples, and Bland Food Restaurant.  Whatever you do, avoid this place whenever possible.

Well, I’m really exhausted from all my travels, and  I have to go to Reality Metropolis soon.  And I assume you have to go there as soon as you finish reading this post, but stay a little longer.  Read some other posts that will delay your trip juust a little longer.

What cities, towns, burghs or lands do you like to visit when you don’t have to go to Reality Metropolis?


Bitter Verocity Ben

Bitter August Everyone!

Yes, all the interesting things about me.

Yes, all the interesting things about me.

Yes, I am aware that it is no longer August anymore.  Do I look calendarly deficient to you? I am able to read a calendar.  But everyone seems to be in such a celebration mode about it being September already when August on our calendar less than 7 hours ago (as of press time). Rah, Rah yeah its September, some will say.  Let’s have a celebration because now fall can begin.  Let’s celebrate the new school year (which by the way is my kid’s first day. I bet you can’t wait to check my Facebook and see their new outfits!), and let’s pound each other’s fist’s because football is finally back and the nerds can do their fantasy football, and the jocks can run into tackling dummies and the cheerleaders can stand in the freezing rain and cheer us to come to their annual car wash (yes, I would like to pay $20 toward your camp in exchange for a mediocrely done car wash that the rain is doing right now for free.)

And let’s begin the holiday quadrant of the year.  Starting in September, we start getting actual holidays that give us the day off.  Well, actually we don’t get Halloween off, even though according to some reports more money is spent for Halloween than any other holiday, including ***gasp*** Christmas.  Things get cooler out, snow storms are coming soon, and more time with family, yeah! Less time to be lazy, yeah!

So before September takes over the monthly month duties, let’s look back at August, bitter August, because dwelling on the past is always the best thing to do.  August is the Sunday night of months.  You know Sunday night.  It’s still part of the weekend.  You aren’t hunched over your computer, looking at emails that you wish were accidentally deleted.  You aren’t traveling from Lakeland, FL to Laredo, TX to give a presentation that nobody is listens to.  You aren’t in a meeting about mandatory TPS reports.

But you are at home, still exhausted from all the things you did over the weekend, but regretting all the things you didn’t do.  You didn’t take a long enough nap.  You took out the garbage instead of laying on the couch that one time.  You worked outside on your garden that no one is ever going to see, instead of watching that gardening show with your eyes closed.  Yes, the Sunday night dread before a loooong work week ahead.  Except the Sunday night dread, is extended for a whole month called August.  The month before school starts.

For the parents...

For the parents…

And don’t say you don’t care about school starting because you have been out of school for 10 years.  It doesn’t matter.  If you have kids in school, you might as well be going to school yourself.  You are doing their homework, making their lunches, hearing all about their tests every day, hearing all about their favorite new bullies, being their favorite person to talk about all their problems at school, or being their favorite person to avoid when they don’t get good grades.  You have a teacher that keeps telling you about all the extra time you should be spending with your kids at home in math and reading that you don’t have time for and all of a sudden, not only are you doing your job, but you are back at school again.  Fundraiser for this.  Bake sale for that.  School barbecue, school play, school soccer game, school bingo.  And if you don’t have kids, you are still dealing with that heavily increased school traffic.

And August is there, the whole month, taunting you, giving you the pre-school (not preschool) anxiety.  Hurry take one more vacation.  Spend one more day out on an adventure.  This is the last time you’re going to be able to do this, this summer. This is the last time you’ll get before school starts.  Go buy school clothes, get those supplies, make sure everything is done OR YOU WILL FAIL….as a parent…as a student…

Let's talk about our anxiety in a chill environment bro.

Let’s talk about our anxiety in a totally chill environment, bro.

August is that nervous buddy of yours that just wants you to be able to relax, come on over and “chill”.  I’m still cool, it’s still summer, we can just hang out.  But when you get there, all he wants to do is tell you about all his problems.  He’s always worried about the future, and can never live in the present.  I can see why they called that movie about the kid that saw music everywhere August Rush.  Because despite the fact that August should be enjoyed as a month, because it is still summer, it is always in a “Rush” to get to September. No wonder he’s so bitter. Sorry, I gotta go now.  It’s September.

...and your anxiety will be riddled.

…and your anxiety will be riddled.


Bitter August Rushing Downs Ben

Bitter Rivalry of The Week – Burger King vs. McDonald’s

Yeah, it’s Mondayyyyy! My favorite day of the week except every other day except Tuesdayyyy.  Moving on from that sarcasm, I was walking to the library the other day(not to read, but because they have free internet there), and a lightbulb hit me over the head.  Not an idea, but an actual lightbulb.  It kind of hurt because it was still hot from being removed from its socket.  Not the kind of hurt that will make you go to the hospital, but the kind of hurt that will stick with you like hot pizza on the roof of your mouth.

Tired of searing the roof of his mouth when he ate pizza, Gary swore by his new Pizza Shield.

Speaking of the roof of your mouth, what is it really covering? Your tongue? Seems like if you are considered a roof, you should provide a little more coverage.  The roof of my house covers like three or four bedrooms, a couple of bathrooms, a living room, dining room and a kitchen.  At least the roof is covering something besides a tongue.  The only time I even remember I have a roof on my mouth is when it is getting burned by pizza.  Coming back to my point, I actually did have an idea.

Since I write about rivalries a lot (or at least I want to, but sometimes don’t because it seems overused) I decided that I’m going to feature a Bitter Rivalry of the Week, every single week (to assure that it is overused).  I’m going to feature everything from real life rivalries that people know and care about to little known or maybe previously unknown rivalries that you probably never even thought of until I actually pointed them out.  So get ready for some intense bitter rivalries and some that you won’t care at all about.  Feel free to comment on who you think the winner was in the comments.

McDonald's vs...

Burger King vs…

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This week’s bitter rivalry is Burger King vs. McDonald’s.  As you may know, last week Burger King took out an ad in the paper calling upon McDonald’s to put their petty rivalry aside and combine Burger’s for a day (A Whopper and the Big Mac combo called the McWhopper) in the spirit of National Peace Day and sell the Burger’s for charity.

At first, it seemed Burger King had the upper hand, because what would McDonald’s do? Refuse to help? Look bad by not combing for National Peace Day? But McDonald’s responded by saying “our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference” and “between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.”

So, who wins the Bitter Battle of Burgers? Is it Burger King’s sarcastic but pretty cool idea to come together for a day and do something good together? Or McDonald’s crackback by using a more serious, “we could do something better” and “we’re just friendly business competition” thing?

Who has the better burgers? The best fries? The best drive thru? The best playland? Who has the creepiest mascot?



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…or Burger King’s.

Who has the best website? Type in to find out who stole  part of my soul.

Let me know who you think wins this rivalry.


Bitter Rivalry Ben