Gates must be so bitter

lsadjf

All I ever wanted to do was guard this place.

The Tom Brady thing about deflated balls just won’t go away. This thing happened so long ago, I was like in my early to late 41’s when it came out.  Here it is in August 2015 and it is still in the news.  So much so, that it has received the prestigious seal of approval of the “gate” suffix.

I decided to look on Wikipedia all the scandals that had become gates, and realized there are so many scandals named after gate, that they had to break them up between sports, entertainment, politics and even technology.

All gate ever wanted to do was swing open and swing shut.  Maybe keep a kid safe or prevent some “regular” person from walking into a rich community.  But thanks to Water, gates are now involved in every single scandal from this one to that one.  Do you think that scandals can just give “Gate” a break and let someone else take on the scandal suffix for once?

The

Thanks for keeping the Dinosaurs out!

How about blinds or shutters or fences?  Even the richest man in the world had to take the Gate name.  What is going to happen when Bill Gates is involved in a scandal? Are they going to call it GateGate? I just can’t imagine how bitter gate must be when it gets lumped in with all the scandals.  Just let the guy keep a flying dinosaur out, or block an army from getting into the castle instead of having to be embarrassed for Tom Brady’s deflations anymore.

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Gaterade Ben

Suncastic Bitter Giftures

The sun is 93 million miles away (at least according to the scientist Sun E. Day, who traveled from earth to the sun with a big tape measure.  Though he accidentally let go at 84 million, so he had to come back and get it again.  Then, he was only 1 million away and got a sunburned so he just called it an “approximate” 93 million miles.) and for being so far away, the sun can kind of be a jerk.  Even at my worst I can only bother someone from about two miles away.  The sun gets in people’s eyes, it burns them, it gives life to trees (who are jerks themselves.), it is way overbearing in the summer and way introverted in the winter.  Basically, the Sun makes people crazy and do crazy things.  Like start summer romances and drench themselves in sunscreen and wear goofy sunglasses.  Here are some other crazy things the sun makes people do.

The sun…

...makes chairs unbalanced and the tape appear out of nowhere.

…makes chairs unbalanced and  tape appear out of nowhere.

The sun…

...causes people to lose their mind...and their gems.

…causes people to lose their mind…and their gems.

The sun…

 

...makes people lose their balance and their dignity.

…makes people lose their balance and their dignity.

The sun…

...makes people walk backward and awkwardly all of a sudden.

…makes people walk backward and awkwardly all of a sudden.

The sun…

 

...appears and doesn't melt the snow, but can cause a ski to crack a window.

…appears and doesn’t melt the snow, but can somehow cause a ski to crack a window.

The sun…

...can make you stand and dance without noticing that everyone else isn't standing and dancing.

…can make you stand and dance without noticing that everyone else isn’t standing and dancing.

The sun…

...can get you stuck in sticky situations and doors.

...can get you stuck in sticky situations and doors.

The sun…

...causes earthquakes, thunderstorms and blow up bed trampolines.

…causes earthquakes, thunderstorms and blow up bed trampolines.

The sun…

...can make you do stupid things, like exercise.

…can make you do stupid things, like exercise.

The sun…

...can get your fired.

…can get your fired.

The sun…

...can cut really deep.

…can cut really deep.

The sun…

...can make you a big fan.

…can make you a big fan.

If it wasn’t for the sun, I wouldn’t have to work.  Cause like what? I’m supposed to work in the night? That’s just not natural for anyone but vampires or cops, or people that work the graveyard shift, like ghouls and zombies.  It’s probably better that we just operate by the moon and just stay indoors watching TV.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Suncastic Ben

The Struggle Bus

Ready for a bitter ride, Strugglers?

Ready for a bitter ride, Strugglers?

Hey you, bitter kids in the back seats! Sit down and shut it! I’m Bitter Ben and I am your struggle bus driver for the day.  I know that we’ve been driving around lost for hours now, but don’t worry, that has been on purpose.  I have no intention of getting you anywhere you want to go or getting you somewhere on time.  I also realize that the air conditioning doesn’t work back there, and it is 100 F outside.  Don’t worry though, the air conditioning works fine up here where I am.  If you do want to worry about me though, you can see that there is spot on the windshield that I just can’t seem to get off.  If that doesn’t get removed, I could “get distracted” and drive us off a cliff.  So what do you think A-Rod, can you hop out there and get it squeegied for me?

Who know's A-Roid? If you get sloppy enough at hiding your steriod use, someday you may get your own Cheaties box!

Who know’s A-Roid? If you get sloppy enough at hiding your steriod use, someday you may get your own Cheaties box!

By the way, A-Rod, or should I call you A-Roid, I know that it must be a struggle for you to be our high school baseball team’s star and having to get paid $252 million guaranteed over 10 years.  It was a good move for our school to pay you for that long, since clearly it would only take you 6 years to graduate before you retired at the age of 26 and we could pay you for 4 years after that.  For some reason you wanted to break the school record and you thought you needed a little help with that.  I don’t know if you know this about steriods, but it isn’t for concentrating or multitasking to get your school work done.  It also isn’t an energy drink.  It’s for shrinking things, like your career and reputation.   The only thing it will help you lift is a microphone to explain to Congress how all those text messages to that guy saying, “Hey Dude, I need some steroids,” was really just code for “I need some Gatorade.”

The velociraptor was so good in this movie.  He acted like he actually liked her.

The velociraptor was so good in this movie. He acted like he actually liked her.

Oh, and poor little Jenny Aniston.  It seems like you are alway sitting solo in your seat.  I thought you and Brad were doing so well together until he did the school play with that weird goth girl Angie.  I heard she had some blood vial necklace with that Old Guy Billy’s blood in it.  Well that was just weird.  I heard them talking about adopting all kinds of babies when they got married someday.  Yeah, that will happen.  A goth like her and a pretty boy like him ever wanting babies?  Don’t worry Jenny, I’m sure if you keep flipping your hair and showing up at school play premiere red carpets, looking all lonely and sad, someone will find you mildly attractive enough and mediocrely talented enough to date someday.

He needs his naptime.

He needs his naptime.

Justin, you in the middle there.  Mr. School Choir third chair with soprano voice.  You know, I would be embarrased if I had that really high voice like you too.  I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t seem to be able to afford buying you a shirt, so luckily it is 98 degrees out(they are better singers too).  Perhaps I could drive by Goodwill and we could find something that fits.  And quit thinking that jocks are going to carry you on their backs on our field trip to the Great Wall of China.  And no, Anne Frank would not want to be in your “fan club”.  She doesn’t even have a Twitter account.  The only people that like your singing is your little sister and her friends.  And that is only because they think you sounded like the girls from Frozen.

 

Grumpy cat will take care of your every need.

Grumpy cat will help.

 

And Miley, little Miley.  I know you have struggles with your keeping your tongue in your mouth where it goes, but if you keep sticking it out like that, it is going to get stuck to the wrecking ball that the construction crew keeps trying to keep you away from.  And again, I know it is hot outside, but if the Goodwill isn’t open maybe we could see if the Kardashian girls have any clothes to donate to you and Justin.

AV club, your detention is to follow her around.

AV club, your detention is to follow her around.

Speaking of the Kardashian girls, you guys need to stop bothering the AV club.  They are busy doing the school announcements and going to class.  They don’t have the time or the resources to be following you everywhere.  They have class and school classes too.  Since you think someone needs to be following you around the school all the time with a camera, it will be the punishment for them.  They will be issued an old Iphone that doesn’t work and will be forced to follow you around and listen to your nasally voiced conversations that are about even less nothing than Sienfeld.  Also you guys need to keep out of the Glee prop room.  They need those for the regional finals in New York.

Okay the struggle bus has pulled into the school parking lot and you are all sentenced to 8 hours of hard time in school, where you will not be able to use your cell phone for texting or selfies.  You can only use them to make your one phone call to your probation officers, uh I mean your parents.

Arrrrggghhhh

Bitter Bus Driver Ben

Proper Napping Procedures

Tell me so much more about your math equations.

Tell me so much more about your math equations.

There are very few subjects which I am an expert at.  Grammar, I don’t have a doctorate in.  Math?  I think if the end of the world were imminent and all I had to do was solve the equation for X to save the world, get ready for the apocalypse and the four horseman to start heading our way.  Building or repairing something? If you ask me to fix your washer, just don’t be surprised when your favorite white shirt is all of a sudden your favorite black shirt.  I am an expert in a few things though.  Eating pizza. You can expect that every slice will be finished and much sooner than you ever thought possible. And you have probably read ad museum about my abilities in the nap arena.  I’m not gonna say that I have a PHd in Nappery in college, but I might be the closest one to have ever achieved the highest honor in the Napping Arts, but I slept through the final.  I have however, obtained many years of nap research, which I am now willing to share with you, only because I’m bitter that I not sleeping right now.

There are many aspects of napping that the novice napper just doesn’t think about.

Amateur.

Amateur.

Let’s just assume you stayed up all night playing video games and you have to get to work by six.  Clearly you didn’t get enough sleep and are going to need a nap sometime today.  But when do I have time to nap? All the time.  Do you need a short nap? Pull up the boring spreadsheet that your boss has assigned you that he doesn’t want to do, and get a little shut eye with that thing dominating your computer screen.  Have a pre-rendered spreadsheet that is so small and full of numbers, that it will be like co-worker repellent.  Everyone will turn around the minute they see that boring work that you are using as your cover.  Take a good solid 5 minute snoozer or carve out 15 in-and-out-of-consciousness, head bobbing minutes.

How about when you have had a long day at work and you are driving home? You know your route forwards and backwards.  You know the long lights, the backed up exits, the left hand turns that will take you 15 minutes to get through.  Put on those sunglasses and stare straight ahead.  Let’s those eyes fall back into your head and get ready for some amazing micro dreams that will inspire your next novel and your near future narrow misses.

The meeting is going great.

The boss is making a strong presentation, then asks you what your opinion on the matter is.

Board meeting with the board? More like bored meeting with the bored! No need to be productive in those!  It only takes a few things to be able to snooze your way through those things. A pressing question your boss needs to answer that has been bothering your department and a distraction.  Some like to have a note pad and pen, others are able to use a phone or laptop.  As long as there is something that you can look down at, there is a distraction for your nappy time.  When you are napping make sure your head is tilted down towards the paper or phone or laptop and have your question memorized, so that when you are being called out, you can be looking thoughtfully at your paper (waking up slowly) and fling that question to the middle of the table and let the hyenias pounce on that steak of a question that they have been craving, then commence sleeping the rest of the meeting.

This.

Now, I have a question for you.

How about at home? Just got home, kids are waiting behind the door to ready to pounce and need to tell you about the fight they got in with each other, but your eyes didn’t quite get the brain scenery they were looking for at work or on the ride home?  Look them straight in the eye and tell them they are important.  Let them know you can’t wait until you can hear that story.  Tell them in an hour, when I’m done with “getting changed” I will be right out.  Go into your room, take off your…zzzzzzz and appear fresh and ready to go when they have forgotten all about what they were going to tell you.

Coming through...

Coming through…

 

How about that Saturday when you stayed up too late again? Wake up early just like the rest of the family, have breakfast, lay on the couch and watch some cartoons with the kids and zzzz, work a little around the house, volunteering to clean the bedroom and zzzzz, then go outside to do some yardwork behind the shed and zzzzz, offer to mow the lawn with the riding lawn mower and zzzz.  Then after all the work, while the rest say they need to go grocery shopping, offer to do a few more chores and home and zzzzzz, making sure that you have the duster in your hand as your arm extends above your head, so when that door opens you look exhaustedly like you need a nap after all that hard work.

Timing, positioning, cover, placement, and pre-gaming are all aspects of a good napper.  But the most important of all is the desire.  Do you really want to nap, or are you just half-hearted napper?  If you really want to nap more than anything else in the world, you will find the time.  But napping isn’t for everyone.  Some people like to get their 8 hours the easy way.  At night in their beds.  And they might live comfortable lives, but they will never know the excitement and thrill of napping on your terms.  When you want to and not when society tells you to.

Gotta go, planning my next 15 minute vacation.

Laterzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Bitter Napper Ben

Bitter Leftovers -Bankruptcy

It’s pretty clear I’m not famous, which is fine, because who wants to be hassled with having people around ALL. THE. TIME.? I’m sure there are some perks to being famous, like being able to yell at assistants, show up late to stuff, pout in your trailer and appear in magazines as a complete tool, then make up really fake apologies that appease your loyal fans.  These are the pretty awesome perks, but I think the best one is the fact that you can accumulate wealth, so you can then spend it all and more!

I mean how famous are you really if you don’t have 80 cars, four homes and all kinds of entourage you can pay for doing nothing.  Well, Allen Iverson, Donald Trump and 50 Cent(perhaps he spend way more than that) and MC Hammer have proven that they are the best of the best when it comes to being famous. They have declared bankruptcy.  Micheal Scott show us how:

I want to declare it too.

I want to declare it too.

This is why I’m not famous.  And this is why I’m not rich.  Because I just don’t like standing up in front of people and talking, let alone yelling.  Ugggh.

AARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Not So Bankrupt Ben

Junk Mail Friday Giftures

This world needs less junk.  Between the junk emails, junk mail littering our mailboxes, and the junk that is wandering around on practically every website ever, a big volcano is going to erupt someday and give us all papercuts. And you know how painful they are.  I watched Hoarders last night against my will (the only way I will ever watch that show) and there are just no words to describe how bitter people make me when they seriously can’t get rid of a pillow or a piece of paper or even an old receipt for a Slurpee.  Stuff you would never need.  So maybe I have left a lot of junky posts over the years, but I’m sure the internet sweeper will soon be around to clean that up.  I may never become a hoarder of things, but I have become a bit of hoarder of words, so when you read, you probably see way too many words I should have discarded.  So I’m going to have a garage sale of words.  Feel free to give me your best offer.

Speaking of junk…

...this poor guy should have protected his.

…this poor guy should have protected his.

 

Sometimes you have to get creative…

...

…when getting rid of water bottles.

 

When huge spiders are around…

w

…all of a sudden even the most important things become junk.

 

Thank goodness for gutters in the streets…

hilarious-gifs-and-a-gif-9

…to help us get rid of our kid’s useless junk forever.

 

Sometimes the sky tires of all the junk they have…

///

…so they send it to earth via gravity mail.  

 

Sometimes when Elmo has a bad day…

sdf

…has has a way of getting rid of his stress.

 

Sometimes when floors get old…

sdf

…there is just a faster way to junk them.

 

Another way of eliminating some of your excessive stress..

///

…is to give someone else some.  

 

Though it does seem excessive…

sdfdf

…for this little girl to throw away such a perfectly useful seal. 

 

There’s not a whole lot of room left to throw away stuff on earth…

sdf

…but it seems like space has a lot of space. 

 

We all have need of getting rid of junk in our lives…

dsf

…for this guy it was a few springs and some bone fragments.

 

And for some….

...we just need to take the whole silo down.

…we just need to take the whole silo down.

 

Regardless of who you are, there is some junk you need to get rid of.  For some, it is your hoarding of products.  For others, it is the excessive brain cells that need to be taken out.  For me, it is all that excessive energy that needs to be put on lock.  So don’t expect me to make any sudden movements this weekend.  And by that I mean, I will be on the couch if you need me. But don’t need me.

ARRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Junky Ben

 

The Battle of Nerf Gun Control Bitterness

You have the right to Bear Arms.  Just not guns.

You have the right to Bear Arms. Just not guns.

When I first moved to Seattle, I thought it would be near a coffee shop, or a shop where people threw fish at me, or underneath a huge needle looking tower thing that would be throwing fish at me.  I knew so little about this Seattle and what it would look like.  Instead of one of those few iconic images of downtown, our house resided in more of a rustic woodsy, tree like neighborhood 30 minutes from downtown.  We have a high school, an ice skating rink, and a gas station about a mile away before we get to a town of sorts three or four miles away.  I settled in thinking it would be a quiet place and I was right.  Until the first Saturday morning when I tried to sleep in.  It was only about 10 am and all of a sudden I hear shots.  Were fireworks allowed around here? Is there a shootout going on in our neighborhood? It seemed pretty safe out here, but then, for all I knew, there could be some kind of meth lab around here.

I found out that only about two blocks away there was a gun club.  Right here in my sleepy, foresty, suburb town. And I found out that they shoot all day long.

I don’t know what side of the second amendment you are on(the right to bear arms, I just googled), but the issue is really hitting home in my, uh home. Things are getting a little out of gun control at my house, both literally and figuratively.  My son likes guns and has for a long time.  Thinking it would be a passing phase like Thomas the Tank Engine or the Wiggles, we got him his first Nerf gun when he was like 5.  We taught him about gun safety(don’t shoot me in the head) and the proper clean up of the bullets.  At first, he was satisfied with the one gun.  He was shooting me everywhere except the head(yeah he listened for once!) and he didn’t ever clean up the bullets (boo, he didn’t listen once again!), but for the moment he was happy.

Then he saw that they carried other types of Nerf guns and thought that there was no way his life would be complete without the new one that had more that one chamber.  He could shoot me twice as much and he could be much more efficient with his growing bullet(sorry, I mean dart) arsenal.  So now he has enough for him and his friend and they can battle.  But that wasn’t enough. His birthday comes and he wants the six shooter; then he sees one at the thrift store and soon we need a nerf gun rack to store all his guns. Soon he is Micheal Scarn in Threat Level Midnight taking down Goldenface.  The darts are everywhere. On the floor, behind the TV, in the couch cushions, even in my clothes and hair every morning. You might have the right to bear arms, but you better clean up the darts.

Don't mess with Michael Scarn.

My son going all Michael Scarn on me.

I say enough, but he keeps begging.  Every other week, I come home to an excited kid. “I got another one!” to my “YEAAAHHHH, another one that won’t get picked up! More darts everywhere! NO MORE GUNS!”, but somehow they keep magically appearing as if they are just multiplying by themselves.  This has got to stop.  I need a plan.  Either there needs to be an anti-Nerf gun gun, or I need to start a march on Washington to start a new amendment where Nerf Guns are declared illegal without a licence. Or a training class is required to teach them proper Nerf gun control, meaning they need to learn to control their urges to get another one.  Or I need to launch an all out offense anti-marketing attack against the Nerf gun company. Take down the advertising! Kill all the promotion! Shut down all their channels of distribution! Raise their prices so high that they will only be available on the black market! Fill their bullets with carbs or MSG so the parent’s advocates and FDA will declare them unsafe for our kids!

I’m going to win this war.  At any and all costs.  If all those don’t work, I have the ultimate grenade that will end all this.  Shame.  “Hey, your friend just told me that he thinks that only kindergarten kids play with Nerf Guns.”  Boom! DROP THE MIC!

Take that.

Take that.

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH I JUST GOT SHOT WITH ANOTHER DART IN THE HEAD…GOING DOWN….

BITTER DYING…DYING…DEAD BEN

 

 

The Bitter Energy Crisis

t

They set the bar too high.  Now superheroes are supposed to be energetic.

There is an energy crisis in this country.  It doesn’t have anything to do with fuel, or gas, or coal or oil.  This is a human energy crisis.  We are so tired from staying up late playing video games, watching YouTube, watching TV or heaven forbid work, that when some of us wake up at 10 am in the morning we are still so tired that we need to be injected with a type of fuel that gives us a jolt. For some of us it is coffee, and for others it is energy drinks.  There may be some new form of drug to wake us up that will surpasse them all and if someone does invent that, then they will be given their own private ATM.  There is this obsessive need for people to get a shot of energy in the morning to wake up.  This may come as a rather large shock and surprise to people, but I don’t drink coffee.  It is for religious reasons and that energy drink stuff sounds disgusting.  But there are other reasons I don’t drink those things.  Because I don’t want energy. Why would I?

Do you think I want more energy so I can listen to that 12 round boxing match argument going on in the next office over?

Do you think I want more energy so I can help my friends move? Why would I ever want to help someone who actually tolerates me, to move far away from me as opposed to staying right where they are, so I can continue to take advantage of our “friendship”.  I’d much rather pretend to want to help my enemies, so they will move farther away from me.  But let’s be honest.  I can barely be motivated to move from my couch.  Don’t ever think I going to help people lift a glass from their cupboard, let alone help them lift a piano from their third floor.

If I ever had energy, then people might think that I want to come to their kids soccer game and fake cheer on their little creature, who seems to think that joining a cluster of other creatures in the middle of a field is a good idea. Don’t they know there are other children in the middle of their field? And that standing around kicking each other is horrifying? Why aren’t they smart like the one kid near the net, that doesn’t have to move, that doesn’t get kicked in the shins, that doesn’t get all muddy, can daydream about not being there, doesn’t have to talk to people and still get oranges and a snack afterward.

Would you like to do some work today?

Would you like to do some work today?

Does it look like I want to have the energy to go to the place where I am employed and work all day? I mean if I did work all day, then they would have all these raised expectations for me.  They would expect me to work like that every day and no one, not me, or the employer need to have headaches like that.  More work just leads to more mistakes that other people would have to fix. And how is the water cooler going to be staffed with gossip if I’m doing all this work? How are the vending machines going to feel like a useful cog in the wheel if I’m not getting those Cheetos that are just dangling there for me to knock down? How are other people going to have self worth if they don’t have me to be ahead of?

If I have all kinds of energy, you will think that I can babysit your kids.

Tired Parents: Look at that energized guy.  He looks like he would be great to watch our kids, because he looks like he could outwit, outplay and outlast our kids.

Me: Yeah, that guy behind me sure does look like he has energy.  I hear he really loves kids and changing diapers and not getting paid a fair wage.

If I had energy, I could run a 5K or a 10K, or a half marathon, or a full marathon or a triathlon, or a megathlon? Why again would I agree to torture myself? So I can be healthy? So I can take up all my spare time so I can run 15 miles every night? So I can then eat a couple of pieces of celery every night for dinner? What about my poor neglected couch? What about my Television that needs some well earned affirmation every night? What about those pillows that crave my head sitting on them? What about the fridge that so desperately needs opening every five minutes to see if there is anything new inside? What about the air conditioner that isn’t running full blast for me because I’m out running. What about their neglect? How do you think they feel when I’m out abandoning them?

Think about the couch and the TV and the fridge.  How do they feel when you abandon them?

Think about the couch and the TV and the fridge. How do they feel when you abandon them?

The next time you think about obtaining energy, remember these things.  Remember that someone is going to ask you to move, or work more, or go to some kids cluster luck of a soccer game.  Or watch their kids at home.  Or you might have a delusional thought that leads you from one day running down the block, to the being trapped into a megathlon that you never intended to do.  Don’t let yourself be deceived by this drug called energy.  It will only lead you down the path to sadness.

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Energy Crisis Ben

 

Bitter Leftovers – Quiet INTERRUPTED

hey neighbor

I’ve got an idea, use that mouth that you mother gave you for eating and not talking near me.

We all seem to have one of those people in our lives that just can’t be quiet.  That just can’t stand the silence.  That have to verbalize every thought they have ever had ever.  No matter how stupid.  The co-worker next door neighbor that has to express every feeling and every emotion after every call no matter how sarcastically you’ve told them how little you care.  You might even fake a full on nap just to ignore them in the hopes that they will stop. There is a reason they call it noise pollution, because so little of those words are necessary or good for you, just like pollution.

Please, tell me more about whatever boring story you just can't stop telling me about.

Please, tell me more about whatever boring story you just can’t stop telling me about.

 

They tell you everything they did that weekend and talk about every mundane detail of their horribly boring lives.  And when there is a silent moment at work when you actually feel like working, they have to say something just because the deafening sound of silence is to them what noise is to the rest of us.  There is one upside though. I’m writing all these bitter things about him right now as he is uselessly jawing about nothing as we speak.  So this is my bitter passive aggressive revenge.  His name is Craig and his phone number is 1-800-867-5309. Please call him at home on the weekend and ask his mom if he can come over to play, or prank him with many fresh fish deliveries or at least a lot of fish tacos. Be creative.  Use your favorite pranks or come up with a new one. Either way, do this for all the introverts or bitter people out there who just want some freaking silence at work, SO THEY CAN WRITE A FREAKING BLOG IN PEACE WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED BY NEIGHBORS AND WORK!

ARRRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Quiet Interruptions Ben

Bitter Skydiving Friday Giftures

Every Sunday night, we all collectively board a small plane, with a super loud propeller, and the wind screaming in our ears so we can hardly hear each other.  We are getting all kinds of instructions from some former skydiver who just wanted to surf his whole life, but realized that life costs money.  So he gives us all kinds of last minute instructions.  Make sure your parachute doesn’t have any holes.  Make sure your backpack is secure; don’t forget to write all your relatives a letter in case this all goes wrong, and then Monday comes and we all leap. For four days, we are free falling toward one massive cluster of meetings, phone calls, running into co-workers that we ignored and didn’t do work for, and bosses telling us we have to do stuff.  Then we finally pull the cord on the week and it is Friday.  We are floating down toward the ground, just hoping that a last minute tree doesn’t get in our way before landing safely on the ground of Saturday.  So while you are all floating down today, avoiding any last minute trees, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures to view while you try to avoid your co-workers with long branches and your tree boss.

Trying to go to work on Monday…

...to get ready in the morning.

...is going to be a struggle.

 

So try not to antagonize the boss…

sdfd

…so they don’t chase you down for another new task.

Try to avoid getting hit…

Or

… with an unexpected email.

Or try to open a document…

sdlkfjdf

…that contains an unexpected virus.

Or trying to chase down…

ldksjfdf

…a valuable client.

 

Or experiencing an afternoon crash…

ads

…where you just hit a wall.

When you are sitting in a meeting…

sdfdf

…just try to do your best to stay awake and not get any new jobs.

 

Because if you do get anything more..

sdf

…it will be hazardous to your health.

 

So do your best…

daily-morning-awesomeness-35-photos-353

…to avoid your co-workers…

Because if you manage…

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…to avoid the midweek pratfalls….

You might finally make it until Friday…

 

asds

…where you accidentally nail it for once…

And you might finally get that…

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… high five you have been craving.

Until we jump out of that plane again on Monday…

daily-morning-awesomeness-35-photos-361

…and it all goes downhill again.

Well, hopefully you have a bitter weekend thinking about this vicious cycle I just put into your head.  Avoid the trees on your slacking float to tomorrow.

ARRRGGGHHH

Bitter SkyDiving Ben

 

 

 

Leftover Bitterness- A Bitter Symphony

 

My commute was hot as usual, because the air conditioning in my car didn’t work because my arms didn’t feel like rolling the windows down. So, of course, I was exhausted and didn’t want to do anything but park…myself on the couch.  But then I was hungry, but there was no plan on the table about dinner.  So I did what most people do when there is no plan and look in the frig for leftovers.  So we pulled out yesterdays haul and started working that microwave like it was the Back to the Future Time Machine.  In other words, it was going 88 miles per hour.  Then leftovers got me thinking.  I have all kinds of post ideas either in my drafts on written on sticky notes in my phone that never make it to air, because they are lame, or are too short, or aren’t quite bitter or funny enough to make the major leagues of bitterness. I think it is a shame not to annoy people on a constant basis, so even though I don’t have a full on bitter rant, doesn’t mean I can’t annoy you with the little things more often.  So I decided to have a Leftovers “segment” in which whenever I feel like it, I will include short little bits of bitterness. A bitter version of a Saturday Night Live Short if you will(without being funny or meaningful in any way).

Today’s Segment – The noises you make in the morning

This morning I was going through my routine of looking horrible for work.  Even though I try to be just loud enough to wake everyone up at 5 in the morning, the rest of the family still sleeps soundly right through it and that makes me bitter.  But, I also realized that there are lot of the same sounds every morning.  The alarm clock, the throwing of the covers off in disgust, the bitter sound of my pounding feet on the floor; the squeaky floor board I inevitably walk on.  The spray of the shower turning on.  The dropping of the shampoo.  The yell of agony when the shampoo drops on my feet.  The turning on and off of the faucet over and over.  The buzz of my toothbrush.  The swish of mouthwash and then the splatter of me spitting it out.  The huccc huccc of my tiny hairbrush as it organizes the two or three hairs I still have left. The walk of bitterness across the floor towards the door, again hitting the squeaky floorboard.  The sliding of the door that holds my keys, Ipod, and wallet.  The buzz of my phone staring up.  The ringing of my keys. The slamming of the door announcing that “I’m leaving, feel sorry for me!” and the inevitable peel out as I leave for yet another bitter day.

Flight of the Bumblee?...

Are you…Flight of the Bumblee?…

 

I was thinking that all those noises I make start sounding like the soundtrack of my life.  Are you a symphony or a Nickelback concert? Are you a Flight of the Bumblebees or Gwar? Let me know what kind of concert you leave in your wake when you get ready to leave your house.  What solo artist, concert pianist, boy band, rock band, death metal band are you when you leave for the day? Let me know in the comments.

LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 17:  (EXCLUSIVE ACCESS)  Gwar performs on Fuel Tv's "The Daily Habit" on November 17, 2009 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Tiffany Rose/WireImage)

…or Gwar?

 

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Leftovers Again? Ben

Cartoon shaming bitterness

The reenactment.

The reenactment. Except she was less interested.

When I was in my late dating years, I tried to woo a girl that didn’t particularly want to be wooed by me, but for whatever reason I kept trying to get a date with her.  She finally relented and I decided that I should go on a double date with my brother and his date.  What can only be described as her worst date ever(for her), I decided that we should watch Transformers The Movie.  Not the four really awesome ones that just came out, but the original animated one.  Maybe it wasn’t the normal acceptable thing to do on a date with a girl and clearly a bad decision for a girl that was already tipping the scales on not wanting to go out with me, but I liked that movie. And who’s to say that she just wasn’t catching the vision?  It was one of my all time favorite movies.  So just because a show is animated, it’s not PC for a guy to like it? So I’m an immature adult just because I watch a good show that happens to be computer animated or drawn instead of a terrible show you watch with “real people”? That is bitter madness to me.

Okay to stop watching this whiny entitled brat anytime.

I give you permission to stop watching this whiny entitled brat. 

It’s like when you turn a certain age, society tells you it isn’t okay to like cartoons anymore. You know what? That is absolutely true…if the cartoon sucks.  Yes, if you are over 7, you should stop watching Doug, or Rugrats or Caillou, or any other abomination that has terrible plots, storylines, writing and acting.  You should definitely stop watching cartoons if the main character is a whiny, entitled brat.  You should definitely stop watching cartoons if the kids that are more hyper than a crack addict.  But if the plot and characters are more compelling than your average episode of every comedy on CBS, then no you should not stop watching them and no you shouldn’t be ashamed.  Bitter maybe, that society should tell me that anything that is drawn with pencil and colors is automatically more childish than Charlie Sheen, then yes, tell me I should stop watching cartoons. Feel free to tell express your opinion you bitter old grandpa with a hearing aid and a megaphone that automatically says to keep off your lawn. Go back to reading your Tolstoy and listening to your Bach and watching the Ed Sullivan show.

Any cartoon rules over this show.

Any cartoon is better than..whatever this is. 

Tell me a show on TV or a book you’ve read, or song you’ve listened to that is so life changing because of it’s themes, or its message or how it made you feel, and I will find you a cartoon that changed my life in a similar way. Tell me a ground breaking moment in an epic movie you’ve seen.  Tell me about how it dealt with death, or anger or sadness or rage or heartbreak, or was so imaginative, and creative and groundbreaking, you were left with your mouth open. I will find you a cartoon that deals with those same emotions, and probably one that was even better at dealing with the issue.  I could even tell you about the ones that even dealt with bitterness. Characters that define who you are, and you can relate to.

Talk to me about a funny movie that you’ve seen or a book you’ve read, or a stand up comedian you’ve heard in person, and I will tell you about a cartoon that made me laugh so hard, I was choking on my popcorn.  Tell me about a cheesy terrible movie that made you roll your eyes so far back in your head, you can see what is going on in that bitter brain of yours.  I could even find you a cartoon that shows what your brain looks like (it’s tiny and very judgmental).

Tell me about a dream that you’ve had that was so messed up, so trippy, or exciting or magnificent, or scary, and I could not only find you a cartoon that would be similar, but maybe even more exciting or more scary or more magnificent than your dreams.

Tell me about a date you had where you talked about a guilty pleasure of a regular show that you loved and your date made fun of you for it, or laughed at you, or will talk about it someday as the worst date you ever had.  I can talk to you about a cartoon that will do the same.

Tell me about a time when you had young kids and were “forced” to watch the same cartoons they watched because sometimes it was the only way you could get a moment’s peace.  When it was the only time they would laugh, or it was the only thing they would fall asleep to.  Then when they fell asleep, tell me there were some that you didn’t keep watching after they were asleep.  Tell me you wouldn’t actually start watching even when they weren’t there.  And some that you would secretly love, but would never admit to.

Not the only one...

Not the only one…

 

So ask yourself, is it really okay for you, or that date I had, or society to shame me for watching cartoons at the age of 42? When you watch a TV show with Charlie Sheen, or Steve Harvey, or Kim Kardashian, or the Bachelor, or Saturday Night Live, or Adam Sandler, or Will Ferrell, or Jim Carrey?  Is it okay to shame me when you read 50 Shades of Grey, or Grey’s Anatomy, or Twilight or any show or book that has people wearing grey?

Yes, I still watch cartoons and will still watch them when I’m 92. If I live that long. And not because my kids watch. But don’t shame me for it, because they don’t call me Revengerman for nothing.  If you shame me for cartoons, I will find your guilty pleasure and shame you for that. Count on it.

 

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitterly Cartoonish Ben

The Bitter Battlefield of Fake Wars

 

Nothing is more serious than the war we are going to talk about for the next three episodes.

Nothing is more serious than the war we are going to talk about for the next three episodes.

I’m pretty conservative when it comes to proclaiming something to be the “BEST EVER” or “WORST EVER!” because I’m not a child of the internet, where message boards, comments or blogs are full of that crap.  Trust me, I have some pretty dark bitter days at work, at restaurants or at grocery stores, but in my mind only one day can be considered “Worst Day Ever” or “Best Day Ever”. If you ever come to me with proclamations like, “Oh my gosh, this was the worst day ever!” and you don’t come with a harrowing tale of losing a family member, breaking up with a long time love, or getting hosed on a $.99 cent coupon at the grocery store, I’m gonna get bitter in a hurry.   I actually know a few people that spew superlatives like this when they stub their toes in a woodchipper, and complain that they can’t make it into work the next day. The next thing you know their dog will catch a bit of the flu and they will have to stay home to make sure the television is on the right channel.  The worst offenders of all are the greatest actors of our generation, the reality stars. I’m not gonna say they are fed their lines, but they are.  My favorite line of all time that will pop on every reality show ever is, “This was the hardest thing I have ever done.”

Maybe on Survivor, or Naked and Afraid, where they can’t eat food unless they stab it, or drink water unless they boil it, but really Debt Princess?  You had to go without a shopping spree for two days?  Sniffle me a lake.  But at the end of the day the worst shows are the so called “War” shows.  You know, the shows that are so epic that they can’t possibly be explained any other way than to compare it to the worst kind of tragedy in this world, where people kill other people for reasons they may or may not understand?  The following three shows are worst of the “War” shows.

We're going to use the garden gnome to start a war?  Oh, now I get why they are calling it a Shipping War.

We’re going to use the garden gnome to start a war? Oh, now I get why they are calling it  Shipping Wars.

Shipping Wars.  This is a reality show where independent and expert truck drivers are tasked to drive things that traditional movers won’t touch.  Stuff like tanks, 35 foot yachts and day old bread.  When I saw the title of the show I figured they would be delivering wars overseas to other countries or at least some funky missile silos or uzi’s that weighed a ton.  Apparently when they called it a war, it was because sometimes there are skirmishes and fights between some of the competing auctioners.  Oh I get it now.  So hurling insults and saying not so nice things about other drivers because they got tiny dents or scratches on the materials they were shipping is why it is called a war.  Remind me next time I say something mean to someone at work to bring my flak jacket.

Everybody down, they've got a gu--oh, get down they've got some money!

Everybody get down, they’ve got a gu–oh, get down they’ve got some money!

 

Storage Wars – A reality show where five or six teams of people that own really high end thrift stores that miraculously always end up at the same storage locker auctions and crazy bid wars ensue!  Teams are given five minutes to look at a locker before they decide to spend their hard earned A&E monopoly money, uh I mean their business profits that they make at their stores, on lockers. There is bitter, bad blood between many of them, because sometimes they bid each other up! Other times they say not really not nice things about each others businesses.  Sometimes they do annoying things in the “bidding war”, like pulling out their guns, I mean wallets and threatening that next time they will kill…their competitor’s really high bid with another killer bid.  Can you see how violent things get around here? No wonder they are called Storage Wars.  Many hours are spent on strategies and battle plans in order to obtain the treasure of really cheap crap from abandoned storage.  Who knows what you may find in one of those lockers?  An old World War 2 commerorative compass, a really strong BB gun from Col. Mustard’s private stash in the study, or someone’s old sweaty socks. Then the socks are brought to a Throwback Thursday dealer to assess the value of the mustard stain left on those week old socks.  No wonder they want to duke it out glove-to-the-face duel style in a stale aired Storage facility in West Covina.  The chance of some week old socks holds an irresistible lure.

Just one of the deadly cold-hearted assassins of the cupcake wars.

Just one of the deadly cold-hearted assassins of the cupcake wars.

I saved the bitterest and most deadly war for last: The Cupcake Wars.  There is no more deadly and lemon filled fighting than this war.  Elite Cupcake Soldiers are road tripped in from all over the United States to some extreme unknown location close to the battlefield where their cupcakes will be displayed.  Sometimes the battle will be at the Oscars, a scary place where overly made up people gather to celebrate each how great they are.  The Cupcakiteers are tasked to create the most delicious grenades, uh cupcakes, and small spy microphones, cream filling and destroy the other contestants in a mano y mano drag down knock down fight of the ages.  Nothing will stand in the way of these cupcontestants and the sprinkling of blood–non-pariels all over their opponents to win the war of the Cupcake.  Actually, it is just a few contest where cupcake makers make cupcakes and compete for $50,000 and the chance to feed the faces of some promotional event.  Talk about a war! Talk about “The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life!” How did they make it through this war without PTSD!

The judges doing some last minute tasting.

The judges doing some last minute tasting.

As for me, I’m going to go protest this war by eating all the cupcakes.

AARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Warmonger Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Epic Horribleness of Bitterflies

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Look at this butterfly sticking to this poor girl’s face.

So you are out in the middle of a large meadow, the grass blowing gently in the breeze, your plaid blanket covered with paper plates full of delicious cheeses and crackers, and you’re sipping on some ice cold lemonade.  It’s a just right 70 degrees and the laughter of your company is a little loud and obnoxious, but allowable.  You get just the right amount of food in your belly and you lay down to rest your eyes, while laying on your back to enjoy the warm air, and the cool breeze.

Staring.

Look at those creepy eyes. Staring at you…

When you open you eyes, you look up and there it is.  A gentle, majestic monarch flying through the air?  A floating color speckled art canvas? Or a miniature monster aircraft with sociopathic tendencies. Butterflies are horrible, terrible creatures. Let me just tell you why.

Now wonder they like to eat so much.

Now wonder they like to eat so much.

First of all, you know where they come from right? They start out as a creepy crawly caterpillar.  According to science and Google they are unemployed.  Actually, they do have a job.  To eat.  Which sounds like a dream job to me, until you see what they eat. Leaves and plants.  In fact, they are so picky, they only eat the same kind their whole life. When your sole job in your career is to eat and all you eat is leaves, you are a weirdo.  No pizza, ice cream, donuts, ever burgers or hot dogs? You, baby butterfly are gross.

How about butterflies names? Have you ever seen a butterfly even use butter in a meal? Spread it on its toast, use it in cookies? What is he a gluten free, vegetarian, vegan? And what part of butterflies are fly? They don’t wear fresh threads or know how to dance cool.

Terrifying kids since their birth.

Terrifying kids since their birth.

Speaking of their dance moves, have you seen these things luna(tics) fly? I understand they were just idiot caterpillars like a few days ago, and the day before they were silk hibernating, but these guys look like a 5 year old driving a truck for the first time.  Don’t tell me you aren’t terrified when one is headed toward you in a random flight pattern.  Probably as terrified as you would be if a 5 year old was coming toward you with his 16 wheeler.

How do butterflies get there? In your stomach? And why do they appear when you are at your absolute worst? Before a speech that is going to ruin your career, before you are about to get rejected by a girl?

They are used a symbol.  In commercials.  Like this one for Lunesta.  A prescription drug that helps you sleep.  A luminescent butterfly that floats in while you are sleeping and lands on your back, then attaches itself to you.  And somehow, you are supposed to not be terrified and be able to sleep? Or this one that is drinking and flying.  Clearly they can’t be responsible, and why they can never fly straight.

slkjsfd

 

Mohamed Ali once said to, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”  Quite honestly, I would rather be stung by a bee, than be anywhere near freaky butterflies.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Bitterflies Ben

Making it Rain like Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls Like the Motion of the Ocean Friday Gifture

For some reason, there is this mythological romantic, almost magical alure that the ocean holds over people.  The rhythm of the waves, the peaceful sounds of the seagulls.  The majesty of being one with ocean while surfing, and the quiet of the air, the sand getting in every nook and cranny, the uncertainty of what the heck is that? that isn’t sand? The sun pounding down on you through the water straight to your pale skin, burning it to a red, irritated, lava hot crisp.    The wave that drags you under choking the life out of you only to bring you back up, so it can pull you back down and torture you to within a breath once more.   The disgusting taste of a fishy dish with waaaay too much salt on it.  By the way, whoever is in charge of the filtering of the ocean needs to be fired.  That stuff is way too salty.  Let us revel in the bitterness of the ocean and all other H2O’s as we present the Bitter Water Friday Giftures.

Do you know what is better than ocean water for spills…

H

…trying to balance on frozen water. 

 

Speaking of frozen…

sdf.

…watch the effect as this ball freezes.

 

Before we get back to the bitterness of warm water…

...

…this is another example of how white frozen water can mess up basketball.

 

I nominate this guy…

sf

…to be president of filtering the ocean water.

 

And this guy….

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…well, he should just be taught to drink out of a bowl. 

 

Here’s some pool etiquette for you…

pool

…don’t break it or you just have a short waterslide.

 

Speaking of waterslides…

sdf

…make sure you avoid them during shark week. 

 

 

Speaking of sharks…

sdf

…make sure you aren’t diving too close to them.

 

And if you happen to run into one…

...make sure

…throw up the Batsignal, cause this guy ain’t afraid of no ghosts sharks.

 

Speaking of sharks that fly majestically in the air…

sdfd

…look at this guy that is not a shark, flying not so majestically in the air.

 

And speaking of the best kind of transportation across the ocean…

sdf

…this newest form is trending.

 

Speaking of trending….

dfdf

…there’s this new thing called surprise water soccer momming.  It makes for the best reactions. 

 

And last, speaking of things that will never happen…

Ha. Like that will even happen if you turn the light out.

 

 

Well, that was a lot of speaking of’s transitions today.  So sorry you had to endure all of those.  Like so so sorry.  Can you feel the sorriness in my voice? Because it is so totally there.  Just like I’m sure the ocean is so totally sorry for all the saltiness and the waves are so sorry they knocked you down.  And like water is so totally sorry for spilling on your jeans in just the right space for someone to see you looking like you peed your pants.  And like I’m so totally sorry I have to go now, because pizza.

 

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH gurgle, gurgle, gurgle..

Bitter Waterlogged Ben

 

An Inside Review of the Outside of Inside Out

Something seems to be missing.

Something seems to be missing.

So it’s been pretty hot outside for the last month or so here and by that, I mean it’s been in the 90’s and not rainy at all.  For most people that live in Cairo, you probably laugh and say, “HA HA. We live in a desert where sand and stuff gets in our eyes, like 23 hours a day!” and you would be right, Cairo dwellers.  But most people are smart enough to not live in a desert, and choose rather to have dessert.  Regardless, most of those people that live in the desert probably have air conditioning on their camels.  Well, I don’t.  I have a car that’s only extra is a tiny little auxiliary plug that allows me to put a plug for my Ipod.  Remember those things? The things before phones that allowed you to store music and TV shows and movies on them? Speaking of getting off track, the reason why I started talking about it being hot, was that I and my daughter decided to go to a movie last week called Inside Out.  Some people went to see it because it was a Pixar movie.  I went to see it, because of the promise of the title saying that I would be inside.

Once inside I realized that the reason it was called Inside Out was that someone did some surgery and figured out how to get inside the brain of some 11 year old girl and found out that people only had five different emotions in their head. Let’s take a look at the stars of Inside Out:

Probably so glad that she got to be the first one I talked about.  Control freak.

Probably so glad that she got to be the first one I talked about. Control freak.

Joy – The first one emotion was an insane person with blue hair and a yellow glowy figure.  She was constantly happy, way too bossy and controlly and always wanted to be in charge.  She just couldn’t stand when other people tried to take over the console and that controlled this video game that was this girl’s emotions.  She reminds me of all those people that hog the remote so they can watch shows about feelings and never just want to sit and watch ESPN.  Also don’t touch my stuff get all your non happy emotions on my memories.

Lazy, but not in a good way.

Lazy, but not in a good way.

Sadness –  She also had blue hair and was just plain blue all over.  She was always trying to bring the room down and make people cry.  Just seems like a waste of all the water.  She was also kind of lazy (which in itself is a great thing to be) but then she made people carry her around.  In my experience, a good lazy person just wants to sit on the couch and do what he wants. The last thing they want to do is be carried around.

Looks a little like a muppet.

Looks a little a mix between an account and a muppet.

 

Fear – This guy was always doing research.  And math.  And stats.  What is the probability that if we touched that thing, we might get germs? Or what are the chances if we eat that banana, that we are going to accidentally drop it on the ground and slip on it and crack our skulls? Or even worse, what are the chances we never get air conditioning and we sweat to death? His job was to keep people safe, but all he did was make them bitter.

A friend of the hulks

I knew this look was familiar. It was the look I always got on dates.

Disgust –  Possibly a friend of the Hulk. Her shiny green hair and green body and green clothes would have fit right in with the Hulk. Might have been what envy looked like because she was green with it.  She’s the one inside all the girls heads who ever went on a date with me.  Didn’t like my pants and shirt combo, or the way I did my hair (meaning didn’t keep it), or the way I always had spinach in my teeth.  Which is weird because I never ate spinach.

A great person to have around when you need some marshmallows for Smores.

A great person to have around when you need some marshmallows for Smores.

Anger – Short, red, fire coming out of his head.  Had a short fuse, maybe also a friend of the Hulk’s, because of his lack of management skills.  Mostly management of himself.  Would possibly be a good person to have in the wilderness because of his ability to light the way in the darkness, and be able to cook the marshmallow part of a Smore.

My assessment of the movie? I’m not sure what it was, but there seemed to be something missing from the movie.  There was a scene in the movie where the emotions of Riley played against the emotions of the dad and the mom and that was pretty spot on.  The dad’s emotions were all focused on a game on ESPN, but was rudely interrupted by a family discussion.  I think if you know any man, this will ring true. But what was really missing? Were all the emotions a person had included? Or was one emotion left out, like usual?

Yes, as usual, bitterness was not mentioned or discussed or even found somewhere deep in the recesses of the mind.  Not one mention.  An imaginary friend even had a big role.  But just like always, the bitterness was left out.  Do you see why bitterness is so bitter all the time?

Now I guess we will never know what Disney thinks bitterness looks like. Typical Disney.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitterness

 

 

Sunday Comic Bitterness

I don’t know about you, but once I became a blogger, my family and bitter people who call themselves my friends, started giving me suggestions on what I should “blog about”.

Random family member: “Hey you should do a bitter blog about traffic.”

Me: “Yeah, I never would have thought of doing one on traffic.  Not my 6th post, or the time it was included in the 323rd, or that other time I mentioned it in the 269th.  Thanks for bringing a non obvious one to my attention.”

Another Random Family Member: “You should do a bitter blog about that one time I had a really bad customer service experience.”

ME: “Yeah, that is faaaascinating.  Please tell me more about how YOUR experience will work perfectly with MY blog.  Please recount over and over again your experience.  I’m totally taking mental notes with my eyes closed.”

I write about whatever I want to, not what other people suggest, just like most bloggers.  Well, Dad, I’ve made an exception for you, so it’s your lucky day.  And a bitter one for me.  Since it is Sunday and that’s a day for traditionally reading the comics, I’m gonna bite the bullet and use some of the fantastically bitter comics you keep sending me.  These go to prove that even something that is supposed to be funny is really bitter.  Just like me.

 

sfdf

Ahh, the classic pun.  Some say the pun is the lowest form of humor. In my opinion, the ones who don’t likes pun, have NO sense of humor. I also say the bigger the groan from using a pun, the better the pun.

dfdsf

Or cranky young guys. I’m bitter because I thought of this idea here and here way before he did.  I’m thinking a royalty check should be on it’s way as we speak.

dsfdf

I wouldn’t be hard to convince me to take a bitter potion.  Just tell me it was bitter and I would do just about anything.  Especially if it was in a donut or pizza.

dsfsdf

Considering that MegaMan looks like I would if I put on a ridiculous looking superpower suit, I would be bitter if I was MegaMan.  I would just want to retire and play video games on the couch if I were him too.

If weasels are really good at finding bitter unsuccessful scientists, why have they not found me yet? I’m also unsuccessful at math, customer service and writing.  I should be their prime target.

dt120416

First of all, what is a raise? And second, it’s pretty amazing what kind of great stock tips you can get from a comic strip.  Scribbling….wait until the price of a stock goes way up…then I will know it is a good investment…also, someone told me they had some seaside property in Kansas and a bridge that connects Alaska to Russia…make sure to buy them…

Well, there you have it.  Some Bitter Sunday comics to read on a Sunday.  Now you don’t even have to steal your neighbor’s Sunday paper to read the comics this morning.  Or have to actually go online and read them.  Don’t ever say I didn’t do anything for you.  Or ever do one of those blog posts you suggested, Dad.

Oh, and a bitter birthday shout out to my younger brother Paul, who probably isn’t bitter at all that he’s over 40…again. Don’t worry though.  He won’t read this.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Comic Sans Ben

 

 

 

 

The Summer of Bitter Ben Giftures

I’m getting full pay for three days to do nothing. I’m gonna do something with these three days. I’m gonna read a magazine from beginning to end in that order.  I’m gonna learn Bolf.  Bitter golf.  Golf with Bitterness. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the bitter fruits and let the juices drip down my chin.  I proclaim this the Independence Day of Bitter Ben!

I declare my Independence from…

Having to stand.

…having to stand.

I declare this glasses Independence from…

daily-morning-awesomeness-40-photos-382

…from this doorway.

 

I declare this girls heart’s Independence from…

from heart.

…from her chest.

I declare my Independence from…

sdfd

…riding horses forward like everyone else.

I declare my Independence from…

sdkflj

…strutting like a normal soldier in a video game.

I declare my Independence from…

....

….having to be in the right place at the right time.

I declare my Independence from…

doing any work.

…having to exert myself at all.

I declare my Independence from…

daily_gifdump_774_14

…having to celebrate with that jerk.

I declare my Independence from…

sdfdf

…the escalator.

I declare this confetti’s Independence from…

...

…this bottle where it is free to hit anyone in the face.

I declare my Independence from…

...from this bull crap.

…taking any bull crap from you.

I declare my Independence from…

...

…having to do any work today.

I also declare my independence from doing anything else today, so bitter day to you.

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Independence Ben

Hand some Ben Bitterness

So lucky...they have guns attached to their arms.

So lucky…they have guns attached to their arms. Well, I do too, but they wouldn’t be allowed at the gun show. 

Hands are a pretty amazing and versatile set of things at the end of your arms.  They are really good at things like punching people, avoiding handshakes, even holding strong weapons to defend and offend other people. But some video game and comic book characters are lucky enough to have other things in the place of hands or arms.  Mega Man and Samus with their arm cannons, Winter Soldier with his metal arm, Plastic Man with his rubber stretchy arms.  When it comes to the extension of the arm, the hand falls somewhere in the middle of the pack.  Let’s take a look at some things that might be bitter and some that might be worse.

Way Worse than hands:

Trees: As you know, I feel very bitter towards trees. They litter, they are always getting the way of people’s views, they like to take up space where a house should be, they are always responsible for downing power lines and the worst is when they down TV and internet lines.  Without which I would cease to function.  Can you imagine having one of those things at the end of your arms? You would never be able to go anywhere and your hands would always be dirty and rooty.  Uggghhh.

Cement: I don’t know about you, but whenever people are telling me about the cement shoes they want me to try on while swimming, it feels like they are trying to tell me something.  Someday, I’ll figure it out, but until then, cement hands seem to like it would make it hard to type, text or nap…and that just makes being a blogger that much harder.

All the better to take morning photos with.

All the better to take morning photos with.

Selfie stick hands: I guess if you are an Instagram freak and that was all you did all day, or if you like freaking kids out with your weirdo extendable only-to-take-a-picture hands, I guess it could come in handy, but when you are doing boring things like driving or trying to get groceries, eating out or sleeping it would be hard to do any of those things without getting kind of a boring photo(can you imagine the waking up photo you would get posted to Instagram in the slumber tone every morning?).

Dictionary: Ughhh, I have learn about words and use all kinds of pretentious words because my parents won’t get me a phone or a 3DS because they think these things are entertainment enough…

Fence: People would always want to mend them, or use them to separate my property from theirs.  Also Tom Sawyer would always be trying to get other people to whitewash them.

Credit Card: This one could go either way.  If you are the one paying, it would be a nightmare, especially when someone maxes it out and the clerk is trying to cut it.  On the other hand, ladies would always want to get their hands on them…

Pen: Hey, does anyone have a pen? Ugggghhhh….

Way bitter than hands: 

TV Guide: Never having to get up to know what is on TV, priceless. Never having to scroll through the onscreen guide on your TV, amazing.  Always having the latest TV trivia on page 32, en fuego.  Always knowing the latest on the behind the scenes of CSI Cyber? Okay, that kind of sucks, but hopefully your brain can kick that out for more useless information like the Bennifer divorce.

Car Steering Wheel:  Always knowing just how steer in traffic to annoy the life out of people that are annoying the life out of me? Bonus.

Grappling Hook: For those times when you just don’t feel like jumping off the top of your building to get to the parking lot, or those times when it’s the end of the day and you just can’t face scaling another wall with your hands and legs to seize the castle, a grappling hook would be way bitter.

Sword: For those times when people threaten society with a swift end and you are the only hope of the survival of the planet.  Or if you just need something to open a letter, a tight jar lid, a quick haircut, or the drywall in a quick reno.  Just be careful in the shower.

Stop Sign: A great way to get other people to do your bidding on the road, or leave you alone in your cubicle.  Talk to the Stop Sign, cause the face ain’t listening.

Talk to the stop sign...

Talk to the stop sign…

The Decepticon Symbol: To show where your loyalties lie when they take over the planet.

A Pillow:  It’s never not naptime.

Don't mind if I do hands...

Don’t mind if I do hands…

A Phone with the Pizza delivery on autodial: For all those time when…for all those times.  Period.

Maybe someday, when my back goes out, and my arms go limp from all the pizza, I will get lucky enough to have to get reconstructed as a guy with all these gadgets for hands, and you will realize that your paleo diet, and all your trips to Whole Foods, and all those times you wanted a donut for breakfast, and lunch and dinner but didn’t, were just stupid.  Just wait until you get a load of me.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Hand Some Ben

 

Would you rather…?

celebrity jeopardy

sean connery

You know what my favorite game show is? Jeopardy.  Actually Celebrity Jeopardy. Actually Celebrity Jeopardy as portrayed by Saturday Night Live.  Wanna know why? Because of the way they answer in the form of a question. Actually, it’s because of the categories.  Not really, it’s because of Alex Trabek. Well, more because of Will Ferrell’s portrayal of Alex Trabek. Alright, let’s just admit the real reason.  Sean Connery.  Frickin Sean Connery portrayed as a madman bent on destroying Alex Trabek.  Well, all that is true, but today’s game show, uh blog post is about questions.  And actually I don’t really like that Jeopardy asks you to ask questions to answer.  That’s kind of stupid and makes me bitter.

So my daughter introduced me to a game called Would you rather?…They ask you whether you would rather do something really hard or another thing that is really hard.  I thought I would take the challenge.  It’s pretty rare where you get to see me answer questions because I never do those stupid blogger awards, where questions are asked and you answer them.  So today is your lucky day(or your unlucky day if you didn’t) if you wanted to see me answer stuff.  Too bad they won’t tell you anything about me.  So here’s a randumb sampling of some questions and my deeply insightful answers.

Would you rather….

Always be slightly under-dressed or always be slightly overdressed? Okay, I guess we will start with the easy one.  Slightly under-dressed, because I’m always slightly under-dressed. I wear socks most of the day at work, and bare feet most of the day at home.  And wear pajamas to Walmart.  Okay fine, I overdress for Walmart, but that’s the only place.

Have rewind button or a fast forward button on your life? Okay, another easy one.  Seriously, a rewind button? Like I want to relive anything ever? Yeah, let’s relive all those “precious talks” we had.  Let’s relive high school all over again.  How about we just fast forward any meeting, any work day, any time I’m even slightly inconvenienced.  Actually let me just live meals in real time and I’m good.  Fast forward the rest, uggghhh.

Really hairy or completely bald? Alright, third straight softball.  Completely bald obviously.  I’ve been wanting to go Professor X, Mr. Clean, Vin Diesel, Dr. Evil, Micheal Jordan for a while now.  Not having to brush you hair, or even shampoo your hair, sounds like a dream.  And as any family member can attest, hair is my nemesis.  Anytime I see a hair in my food, or in my hairbrush, or in the sink, or in my clothes, I go straight psych ward on them. A would you rather…between having an onion and having a hair in your food…now that would be a hard one.

Read minds or fly? Like I would ever want to know what is on people’s minds ever.  That would be even worse than having to talk to people and that is the worst.  Listening to people tell boring stories sucks hard enough, but having to listen to people’s even more boring thought stories? Jab me with a hair in my mouth. I’ll fly thanks.

Wet socks for the rest of your life or always have your clothes slightly damp for the rest of your life? Now they are starting to get harder. I think I will have to go with the slightly damp clothes for life.  Wet socks are the worst.  If I ever walk into the bathroom and get my socks even a little bit wet, I throw the socks in the hamster (that’s what they call them right?) then throw the hamster in an incinerator, and burn it and the socks into little particles and then dump the particles in the bottom of a red hot lava pit.  That’s how little I like wet socks.

Burn to death or freeze to death? After work yesterday, I would do either.  Just make them quick.  Or slow and painful.  Either one would have been less painful that yesterday.

Be in constant pain or have a constant itch? What if I experience both of these already? Is that a fair question? In fact, reading this question just made me more in pain and more itchy.  Thanks a lot question.

Be able to speak all languages or talk to animals? As a non animal lover (I know, bring your pitchforks to my lynching) I don’t really think animals would have much to say. Cat: Go get me my food human.  Dog: OHMYGOSHICAN’TBELIEVEYOUAREHOMECANWEGOTHROWTHEBALLAROUND? Hamster: Look at me, I’m running in a circle.  Fish: I can’t breathe.  That, or Can you translate this thing for me, Ben? What were they saying there? Oh you speak (insert language)? Let me spout off all the words I know in that language.  Oh you know my language? Let me comfortably tell you all my secrets.  Can I choose one of the options where no one speaks to me?

No one show up at your wedding or no one at your funeral? Wow that is a hard one.  Choosing an event where no one shows up? Can I take both? No? Well, since I wouldn’t be alive to enjoy no one showing up for my funeral, I guess I would have to choose my wedding so I could fully enjoy that.  But, does that mean I am marrying myself? Cause the bride is someone.  And what about the guy/girl marrying me? That person is annoying too.  Can I leave them out too?

 

Give up cheese or give up chocolate? Now we are talking a hard decision.  For most people.  I have always been more of a bitter person if you haven’t noticed and chocolate is sweet.  And while cheese is mostly salty, it can be bitter.  And let’s be honest, I could go a whole day without chocolate, but cheese is the like the main ingredient in pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs, Italian food, and everything else I eat.  I would pretty much fade away into being a ghost if I didn’t have cheese.

Have no internet or no cell phone? That is again a pretty easy one for me.  Internet I cannot live without.  A cell phone? That means there is a way for people to talk to me.  And I could easily live without that.  Also, since 1995, I haven’t lived a day without internet.  Only in the last five years have I been attached to my cell phone (and probably only used the phone app like 7 times).

Live twice as long, or win the lottery – Let me see, be old and decrepit twice as long, being on the news for being the oldest man alive, having to endure the endless time in a nursing home, or have tons of money to buy my man cave? What do you think?

Smartest person or the Hottest person? Neither one comes to mind here.  Being smart would be such a pain.  People always asking you questions, people always being snarkily jealous of you (that’s my job), knowing math (uggghh, so boring).  On the other hand, being the hottest would make people want to be around me all the time, and I already think people want to be around me too much now.  I guess smart, because at least some people would like to leave me alone.

Opposite gender or kid for a day – I am thinking that world needs more bitter women and I think if I was one for a day, I could convince more to be.  On the other hand, being a kid would be so annoying.  I would be so annoyed by myself, I would hope that I would get exhausted and just take a nap until the day was over.

So there are the insightfully bitter answers to some super intriguing questions for you.  So my questions to you are: What would you have answered? What other questions do you have for me? How offended are you by some of my answers? Can I just go take a nap?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Questions Ben