I’m getting a little tired of telling my kids to get to bed. Tired of telling them to eat their ice cream for dinner and tired of telling them to shower once a month, tired of telling them to bring me the remote control over and over again. I’m tired of them making me go outside and move around. I’m tired of telling them to put the seat up, and I’m tired of telling them to cough on people on not into their hands or arms. Clearly, I’m a little tired. Mostly, I’m tired of telling them that they are in time out, because why should I have to count down the minutes they should be there? More importantly why can’t I be in time out? Oh right, because that would be a reward. You know who needs a time out? Adults. But not a time away from society. We need different punishments. Like perhaps:
Celebrities. In the adult world, these are the two year old spoiled brats that think the world revolves around them. They have evidence that it does, because they assistants bring them the sun and show everyone how it revolves around them. For that, they are getting a time out. We are taking away your phones, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, your website, your swag bags, and your make up. In addition, you are grounded from your agents, publicists, lawyers, assistants, posse and make up artists. None of them can come over and play for two weeks.
Your Facebook friends: If they don’t stop oversharing, putting up stupid quotes, liking every post, putting hashtags on every word, relinking every story on Buzzfeed, sending me requests to play Candy Crush, your posting privileges will be revoked for two weeks. In addition, you will have to start an online journal called a blog on Blogger so you can make some new friends.
Politicians: If they don’t stop lying to everyone, then Momerica is going to take away their allowance for four years. No fund raisers, no illegal bribes, no salary, and no budgets. They will have to figure out how to keep their promises living the same way all their friends live.
Weathercasters: Al Roker and all his local cronies better stop bullying us into thinking we can wear a short sleeve shirt when it actually snows or telling it to snow all February. He also better stop taunting us with Phoenix and Hawaii weather in the winter and California weather anytime. If he doesn’t stop he will suffer the same time out that Bill Murray did. The Groundhog Day punishment.
Commercials: Stop being acting so bad. Stop annoying your sister with S.A.M. in your pants or your uncle about how he can save on car insurance in 15 minutes or less, or Rob Lowe with his cousin poor decision making Rob Lowe. If you don’t stop, then we are taking away your TV privileges.
Telemarketers: If you don’t stop calling people late at night, your phone privileges will be revoked.
Car Salesman: Quit annoying everyone that comes to your room. Just because they stop buy to look at your cars, doesn’t mean they want to buy one. If you don’t stop, I’m taking away your driver’s license.
Refrigerator: If you don’t stop taunting your family every time they walk by, you are going on a diet.
Doctors: Stop making people wait in the waiting room just so you can tell them that there is nothing we can do or prescribe the same medicine you have already been taking, or we are taking away your waiting room.
Movie concessions: If you don’t stop charging an arm and a leg, we aren’t going to let you go out to watch any movies with your friends.
Bitter Ben: If you don’t stop being bitter, cranky, or sarcastic, we are going to make you come out of your room and talk to people.
NOOOOOOOO! I would rather die than come out of my room! I’m not coming out! Do you hear meeeee!
Bitter Time Out Ben