Bitter Heads Up Display

The best way to spend the holidays.

The best way to spend the holidays.

Most people think of Thanksgiving as a way to spend time with their families and friends and shopping the early sales or watching football.  Not me. To me, it is all about the laziness. The sitting around of the couch, the sitting around of the buffet, the sitting around of the napping, the sitting around of the TV and sitting around of the video gaming. This weekend felt a little off though.  It just didn’t feel like I was efficiently lazy enough.

So I got to thinking about how I could be more efficient (which is always a dangerous thing for me) and video games and TV immediately popped into my head. Samus from Metroid and Terminator from Terminator, or Iron Man from Iron Man 3 have these amazing Head Up Displays which give them all kinds of information. Why not get one to help me figure out how to be more lazy?

Heads up

Heads up for laziness. 

This amazing device, which I assume someone will invent for me, along with giving me royalties for inventing, will give me all the information I need in the house, car, or around people.  It will give me all the stats I need on efficient remote control layout, food to reach ratio, and the easiest amount of pressure it takes to push a button without getting too warn out.  It will give me the perfect way to lay and wake me just in time for my favorite show, and have all the proper inputs for the TV so I don’t have to leave the couch.

The best part about it, is it will give me all the right ways to avoid people.  The routes, the best people to accidentally get bumped together and if absolutely necessary, stats and all the likes and dislikes of people so I will know just the wrong thing to say to get someone to leave me alone.  Does Bob have a feud going on with his dad? Mention something about his dad to get him so uncomfortable he can’t help but say he has to go to the bathroom.  Is Susan allergic to peanuts? Make sure she tries the dip that has just  the tiniest amount of peanuts in the salsa for her to break out in hives and never want to party with you again.

When life gives too much to do, become like your favorite cyborg, or video game character, except the lazy version.  The one that doesn’t save the world or destroy it. Use your HUD to guarantee your optimal laziness, because doing it yourself is just another thing you have to do and no one has time for that.


Bitter HUD Ben

Bitter Pushover Black Friday Giftures


You realize that Black Friday is a crazy day filled with lunatics pushing each other out of the way for products that they are using to push their old stuff out of the way right? You know what else Black Friday is? It is the December holidays pushing Thanksgiving out of the way.  As soon as the turducken is digested, the Decembers are already pushing the Bitter Thanksgiving out of the way.  So in honor of pushy holidays, the Black Friday Giftures are about pushing people, places, things and holidays around.

This has been pushed…


…by something that was kind of a cheetah.

Somebodies need for a job…


…has pushed him to find the right circles to run around in.

Somebody is getting …


…a Happy Birthday Party pushed on them.

This pushy dog…


…should know not to mess with a guys food.

This bird was trying to get to a Black Friday sale…


…got pushed around a little.

This kid learned…


…don’t ever push it, by calling him a chicken.

This guy didn’t get a chance push it…


…cause he was too busy getting pulled.

This guy was pushed on the shot…


…but not as much as the teacher.

This cat is pushing it…


…to make it to the Second Annual Slam Dunk Giftures.

This guy pushed for an audition on the New Star Wars Movie….


…but bearly missed the cut.

This guy believed he could fly…


…and believed he could touch the sky.

Some bees were pushing some illegal honey…


..on this poor suspecting Beekeeper wearing shorts.

If you are in line right now for some really bad Black Friday deals, push your way to the front, because no one deserves a great deal like someone who is pushy.


Bitter Black Fries day Ben






Bitter Ben Cinemas Present

Preach on Louis CK.

Preach on Louis CK.

Bitter Thanksgiving everyone!  I know you are at home right now, dying because you are trapped in the kitchen making stuff, or trapped being with your boooring family, or stuck watching your sucky football team lose miserably by just 1 point, or stuck looking at advertisements for the Black Friday that you are going to have to wake up at the crack of dawn, to wait in a line, to fight a crowd for a sale item that will be out of stock and get trampled to near death for that the kid won’t even appreciate it when he gets it.  I can feel your bitter pain from here. Seriously, I have a bruise on my thigh right now. I hope the hospitals aren’t too overcrowded for when you have to get surgery on your spleen.  Save me a spot, because I will need a kidney (not a kidney pie).

Today, I’m here to offer you a way bitter alternative to your Thanksgiving Day festivities.

Sorry the movies.

Sorry the movies.

Welcome to Bitter Ben’s Cinemas.  I know you just stuffed yourself into a trypticoma, but we have salty overbuttered popcorn in the lobby for way overpriced. Also what goes better with bad popcorn than Halloween Candy?  Hey, only a month ago you were obsessed with being scared, now you are obsessed with eating too much. Sounds like this stale Halloween candy is the perfect remedy for both.

Now that you have your disgustingly bitter food making you even more sick, let me tell you all about the Blockbuster VHF rental movies we have here in the theater.

Only the mediocrest quality for my customers.

Only the mediocrest quality for my customers.

On IMAX RPX 3D Screen 1, we bitterly present you with Dumpster Catching Fire. This is the story of poor destitute girl, Dogness Evergreen, who lives in the 12th Suburb of Distorpandora. There is no Burger Prince’s or MacDaisy’s restaurants or even a Nordstradamus Rack’s to shop at.  She is totally deprived of the amenities of the Downtown Capital.  She takes the place of her sister who was forced to enter the Dumpster Games where they are forced to live in the Dumpster for a whole hour. Can she even survive the Dumpster Games without ruining her makeup or will she Burn the Dumpster to the ground?

Starring JZ McClane as a New Jersey security guard.

Starring JZ McClane as a New Jersey security guard.

In Theater #2 we present you with the Horror/Action Flick Work 2 Hard.  Bitter New Jersey security guard slacker JZ McClane is stuck at a Christmas Work party with his wife.  He’s trying his best to get her to leave the party early, so he can avoid the party planning committee of NakaToby Plaza. He is bored to tears by his wife’s boss Toby and his stories about Costa Rica, and the Scranton Strangler, when the party is crashed by the German skeet shooting team.  They take over the party, and JZ uses this excuse to escape the party early, by going to different floors in the building.  He does his best to blow up some fireworks in the building so the German skeet shooting team doesn’t take over the party. When he throws the German Sheet Shooting leader out of the party, he shouts his classic line, “Yip Ki Yeah, 99th Problem!”

Anchormen on Mars. What could be funnier?

Anchormen on Mars. What could be funnier?

In Theater #3,  join us for a comedy of amusing proportions, Anchor Space, a comedy about a bitter news anchor that is so fed up with his boss Lumbard asking him for his TTM(Traveling to Mars) reports that he and his co-anchors decide to quit their anchor jobs and go to Mars. It is the zany adventures of 4 co-anchors on Mars. Crazy adventures like the accidental stealing of one of the Mars Rovers, their run ins with some leftover Decepticons Megatron abandoned on Mars, and of course, their scam to skim off just a few M&M’s from the Mars division of the company to get back at Lumbard. You’ll never laugh more bitterly.

Just footage of Walmart.

Just footage of Walmart.

And finally in Theater #4 we have Black Friday – a survival horror movie about the temporary zombifications of Black Friday shoppers who will trample you to death if you have the early bird HDTV for only $99.  It’s basically just security footage from a Walmart camera.

Feel free to tip your Theater owner because he is still pretty bitter about having to work on the Holiday Weekend.  And those VHS cassettes weren’t free.  Gotta pay for the right to that somehow.

Now get back to making me some chocolate pie, turkeys.


Bitter Cinema Togrophy Ben

Starlight Blogger Award – Bitter Award Acceptance Speech


I’m not gonna lie.  I’ve been nominated for these made up blog awards many times and have never done anything with them.  Some bloggers love them because they give them something to blog about when they can’t think of something.  Others love them because they feel like other bloggers care about them enough to nominate them.  Then there are others like me who don’t appreciate them at all and should because he is never going to get an award for anything else ever in life.  But you know me.  Never appreciative when I should be and always appreciate when I shouldn’t be.  Just how I work.

So normally, I will respond with some bad line back, like “When should I show up for the awards banquet? What should I be wearing?” and then just drop it.  Or I did a post a long time ago with awards I was nominated for in a separate page called Awards I Didn’t Deserve so all those people bitter enough to nominate could be recognized for their sheer bitterness for nominating me for anything.  Well, another blogger finally strongarmed me enough by going all Godfather on me.

I told Sophia thanks for the nomination and she said Great can’t wait to hear your answers to the questions.  And I said But I don’t normally do these awards and she basically said, Great, can’t wait to hear your answers and post.  So basically she strong armed me into doing this.  I hope you are happy Sophia.

Anyways, it says there are three rules, which I intend not to follow, because I’m a rule breaker like that. Thank the person that nominated you.  No thank you Sophia.  I do not thank you for nominating me.  Though you can visit her blog Far Side of Normal because she does funny stuff or whatever.

I’m supposed to answer three questions. This sounds like a freaking interview which I hate not only in job searches, but when I do a movie or whatever, but here goes.

1. If I could change one thing in history, what would it be and why?  I would go back to Alexander Graham Bell’s time and start giving him hints that he should never invent the telephone.  The phone is the worst invention ever because you have to talk on it. I saw the phone app on the smartphone should be optional.  The ring is annoying, people are annoying, the phone was never a good idea.  I would however be working on a different thing called a Bitterphone which didn’t allow you to take calls, but allowed you to do way less annoying things like Bexting, Instabenning, Facebenning, and Bwitter.  All four faces of Mount Rushmore would be mine and nowadays we would be working on more worthwhile things like inventing a flying car.

2. What is something I’ve always wanted to do but was too scared to? Stand up comedy.  I love comedy so much that it almost hurts everyday that I’m either not trying to be funny or hearing someone else be funny.  I practice in front of my family, but they’ve heard every joke. I practice on this blog, but a lot of people don’t find me funny because they just think I’m always bitter(which I don’t blame them for. Kind of the theme of my blog and life.) And honestly, most people don’t get my comedy, because it is so sarcastic and quick witted and dry that it probably doesn’t translate well to stand up, but if I was brave enough, I would do it.  I’ve always wanted to try something different like doing a Sit Down Comedian act, and that is partly where my Bitter News from the Couch comes from, which is why I’m still doing it, regardless of how terribly monotone my voice is, and how badly produced those videos are, or how few people actually view them.

3. What is your zombie apocalypse survival plan? I actually covered this idea a long time ago on a blog post.  Honestly I’m not a huge fan of zombie movies or shows or video games.  I think way too many people talk about it and the subject is played out for me. But my survival plan would simply be to not survive it.  I’m way too lazy to run for days and way too nervous of a person to not get scared the crap out of if one was behind a door.  I’m a terrible shot, I would always be hungry, I hate getting dirty, and can’t stand people or zombies for the most part, so I would give in early. Just become a zombie.  Not the running after people constantly one, but the lazy kind that would sit on the couch and watch TV kind.  I would be fine with real food and not need brains.  I would let all the other zombies do all the work and sit on the sidelines.  Finally some quiet moaning to myself without all kinds of real people trying to blow my head off.

So there are your answers Sophia. Hope you enjoy.

My nominees: All of you.  Just kidding.  Only six of you.  I will nominate 6 to make them bitter and a lot of you I will not nominate to make you bitter too. That’s how it works around here.

Authentically Aurora – She has writes about relationships and how bitterness is a big part of them.  Though she has silver linings to some of the stories, which make me uncomfortable.

Alex over at Only Bad Chi.  She is the bitter female version of me.  She posts daily too, so I can always count on some daily bitterness from her.

Marissa at Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth. She is a poet who actually does know it. She posts on the reg about bitter things but in poetry form. She will also be pretty bitter that she got nominated.

Mindy over at Yellow Fever.  She used to post regularly about bitter dating experiences and insane co-workers.  I’m hoping by nominating her, she will post more regularly cause some of things people say to her can’t be missed.

Molly at Molly Ade in America. She is a bitter blogger, also who hasn’t posted in a while, but should because she is bitter funny. Though I think she writes for her school newspaper so you might be able to catch stuff on there.

Stories of my life – She has actually been brave enough to do stand up, and she also does a lot of pranks, which I can appreciate.

Questions to answer if you want to:

1. If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do on your last day?

2. What is your favorite hiding place? Or what would you like to be your favorite hiding place?

3. If you had the brains and ability to create an invention what would the invention be and how would you use it?


Here are the rules for the Starlight Blogger Award(if you choose to follow them): 1. Thank the giver and link their Blog to your post. 2. Answer the 3 questions given to you*. 3. Please Pass the award on to 6 or more other Bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated by you. 4. Include the logo of the award in a post or on your Blog please never alter the logo(alter it, I dare you) and never change the rules.



There, I’ve accepted an award. Now never bother me again about this crap.


Bitter Awarding Ben


The Key to Bitter Success

The ride of broken dreams

Probably never wear a scarf on a roller coaster ride.

I’ve been in the bitter blog game for a while.  It’s been a roller coaster ride that never seems to end. There was the super slow climb to the peak of the roller coaster where it took more than six months for anyone to notice that it even existed, to the peak like 2 years ago when WordPress noticed, and all kinds of people came out of the woodwork to recognize me for all the random jumbled words that somehow came out in an organized fashion to make some sense to someone, to the epic, continual fall that never seems to go deep enough.  Society and I seem to have been in the same freefall ever since.

You may think that after 3 and half years, I’ve found the key to success of a blog.  Well, you would finally be right for once, my fremenies.  Ready for the answer? Got your recorder? Or your permanent pencils to write this down? Ready to Tweet and Facebook this to all your “followers” as soon as you hear this?  Have you lined up a TED talk for this? What is a TED talk anyways?  Are you ready to make more money than you have ever imagined by blogging?

Yes, I have an idea worth spreading.  My laser to your front porch.

Yes, I have an idea worth spreading. My laser to your front porch.

Ready? The secret to being a super successful blog is laser like focus. Actually, what I mean by that is a Laser.  I’m not talking about those stupid laser pointers that you use to point at a Powerpoint presentation or at a person to make the cat scratch them up.  I’m talking Dr. Evil laser beams attached to a sharks head type laser.  I’m talking the kind that Optimus Prime and Megatron had pointed at each other in the cartoons type laser.  I’m talking the kind that create large craters in the center of a farmers field.  The kind that make mountains out of molehills.

The kind that attach to sharks heads, yes.

The kind that attach to sharks heads, yes.

The red hot molten laser that makes lava in someone’s backyard.  The persuasive type of tool that isn’t allowed on planes.  The kind that the government likes to hunt down and stop. The kind that causes a video to go viral and that makes it on the nightly news, but more importantly Twitter.  The kind of laser that can spell out on the side of a mountain for all people to be able to see as you are being searched for(mostly on Google).

Do you see where I’m going with all this? I am talking about skipping the traditional ways of going viral.  Waiting for you kid to fall and capturing it on video, or accidentally stumbling onto a Batman mask and then talking to your kids like Batman does.  That is way too random and you, my bitter not friend at all, don’t have the patience for any of that. You need to go viral right now.  You need to get guerrilla marketing right now.

So, if you are reading this post right now, I assume you are just going to 1) Like it, 2) Share it, 3) Repost it, 4) Tweet it, 5) Facebook it, 6) Tell your local news about it, 7) Subscribe to it 8) Make a Youtube video out of it 9) Send it to all the people in your town that like to talk a lot 10) You will call the local admakers you know to get them to advertise on my site, 11) You will send money to my GoFundMe page in which I have the goal of a billion dollars to make another laser to use against you and all mankind if you don’t send me more money.

Oh wow, you would do that for me?

Oh wow, you would do that for me?

So, how did you like my post? If you liked it, remember to share with your friends! (or it’s gonna get hot in hurrr).


Bitter Lava Volcano Hot Ben

Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Up vs. Down

Dancing up a storm at the party.

Dancing up a storm at the party.

Frosty the Snowman came to visit this weekend.  He and his friend Elsa were playing snowball catch in the backyard.  Captain Cold and Mr. Freeze were ice bowling in the front yard.  Blizzard and Ice cream were on a date and a bunch of other cool people were hanging out and some were watching Netflix and chilling. They were all partying with the ice planet Pluto disco ball.  It was bad enough that they weren’t invited but it was pretty rude that they left so much frost on the ground this morning.


All I know is I didn’t invite these people to my house. Party crashers are the worst, but even more when there actually wasn’t a party.  They thought they were pretty cool, but all they wanted to do was chill. And I kept running out of ice in the fridge.

Then it all blew up.  They all started arguing about which direction was better.  Frosty was drinking a cold root beer and just blurted out that his favorite direction was One Direction. The others threw shade at him and said, “We meant between Up and Down you dingbat.”

The argument raged.

Sub-Zero thinks he wins.

Sub-Zero thinks he wins.

Sub-Zero was telling everyone about the movie UP.  He said it was a moving tale of an old man who wanted to live an adventurous life with his wife, but she dies too soon.  He loved the part where they got caught up in the clouds and you could tell it was just a little too chilly up in the air.

Then the Ice Queen fought back. She argued that Downton Abbey was the best show on TV, because it was about manners and high society and queens and how you should all bow down to her.

Someone else mentioned they thought One Upon a Time was the best way to start a story. Also no better way to end a story.

Another mentioned that Robert Downey Jr. was the heart and soul of the Avengers Universe.  If it wasn’t for him, there would be no coolness to the story.  And also remember at the end of the Avengers when he flew to high in the sky and ended up falling down?

Santa goes up, and down.

Santa goes up, and down.

Then Santa Claus mentioned UPS. How would I make all my deliveries to all the children if I didn’t have UPS?

Then Scrat from Ice Age just said, “lsdkfjlsdfjlsdkfldskjfkld” which I think roughly translates to “I would do anything for an acorn.  Even fall down.”

It was a never ending debate and it just left everyone with a cold shoulder when they left.  I was pretty bitter because they left all the frost on my grass this morning.  I have no idea which direction is better.  Now I just need to go lie down.

So which direction is your favorite? Which one is better? Debates begin in the comments.


Bitter Direction Ben

The Bitter Library of Giftures


This is no ordinary library, where I’m sitting at the help desk quietly ignoring your requests for help. This isn’t a place where you whisper in your screaming voice to all your neighbors about what you are reading.  This is the Bitter Library of Giftures. We are similar to other libraries in that we have books that teach, enlighten, and entertain, and bitterize, but we expand on those things to give you a much more well rounded bitter experience.  Come get your library card and get ready for some magical bitterness.   After you’re done, make sure to put your giftures back on the shelf where they belong or I will have the pages come by and beat you with a ruler. Just remember, a gifture is worth 10,000 words.

Before we get started I need to shush some troublemaking  celebs…


…they are all sensibly chuckling in the magazine section.

In our British section you can check out a book on Wales…


….or almost get nailed by one.

Similarly, in our Harry Potter Section, you can check out the books…


…or catch some live Quidditch practice.

In our sports section you might find a book on gymnastics…


…or see some artistic feats being performed live.

Find a book about how to build stairs…


…or experience falling down them on your own. 

If you need to learn more about the fall, find a book with a lot of leaves…


…or learn about fall in a whole new way with leaves nearby.

Find a book about the Pyramids of Giza…


…or find out how to build and destroy a pyramid on your own.

Check out a book on the Wright Bros. and the joy of flight…


…or experience the bitterness of getting grounded.

Check out a book on How to Fix cars…


…or experience for yourself getting “stuck” in traffic.

Go check out a book on animal training…


…or teach them how to do tricks on their own. 

All the books in the library are free to check out…


…but the vending machines are not.

So get here however you can..


…whether by bus…or car…

Or even… golf cart.

…by golf cart.

Just make sure you bring your library card and get ready to learn how to be bitter. Make sure you have a bitter weekend.


Bitter Library Of Giftures Ben


















According to Harvard and Science…The Bitter Intellectual

This just in

Prepare to get your mind blown, dude.

When I do a post on the Bitter Blog, I never go into it ill prepared.  Nothing is thrown together. Every word, every detail, every grammar and made up word is heavily researched by my staff and has three sources to back it up.  Otherwise, how could my loyal audience trust that this bitterness is real? How could they feel safe and secure knowing that every word and phrase was authentic and transparent? How could they know without a shadow of a doubt that every word is something they can tell their friends about, knowing that it came from a reliable source?

TMZ. Always never getting it right.

TMZ. Always never getting it right.

That is why I always I use such trusted entities like, Wikipedia, Reddit and MySpace, and the National Enquirer because I know that anything written on the web is true and verified.  You can never be too careful.  Some people use things like history books, New York Times, or Encyclopedia’s, but as you know, those people that work at those places are just a bunch of hacks that are throwing out the least reliable information, just so they can say they were the first ones on the scene to make a quick buck.

No longer the smartest.

No longer the smartest.

The point of all this is that now I can definitively tell you this one statement.  I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.  

The new smartest man in the world.

The new smartest man in the world.

You know how you know that for a fact? Because I put that statement in bold AND in uppercase to make it stand out.  But also, because of a little article on a well respected and never unreliable website called Hello Giggles.  Please don’t let the fact that the research was done by a sketchy little known college called Harvard and proven by the shanty town run entity called Science, but just key in on the fact that the story was written on Hello Giggles.

Here is the link to the story if you are interested.

Since you probably don’t have time to read that stuff, because you aren’t as intellectual as me, I will summarize it for you.  Actually, you just need to know one quote from the article.

“A study out of Harvard Business School finds that sarcasm is the “highest form of intelligence.”

Do you like Apples? Well Harvard and Science just said that sarcasm, my native language, is the highest form of intelligence.  How do you like them apples?

So when I’m insulting you without you knowing I am doing so right in front of your face and you can’t tell because you don’t have a sarcasm detector, I’m just showing you my intelligence, baby.

When I make fun of your mama and you think I’m praising her, I’m just being the smartest man in the room.

Not the smartest bagels anymore.

Maybe the tastiest bagels, but not the smartest bagels anymore.

So, how does it feel to be listening to the Einstein of Bloggers? When I deliver one liner after one liner and you can’t keep up, you are witnessing one of the Scorpions hard at work making you look like a troll under a bridge.

Sorry formerly smart guys.

Sorry formerly smart guys.

Bow down to the highest form of life.  The Bitter Sarcastic.

Form an orderly cue to get sarcasticed.


Bitter Sarcasm King Ben

The Reason I became a Bitter Blogger

ubwic (1)

I am not a multi faceted personality.  I am about as interesting as watching toast flavored, grass colored paint drying.  I might appear on social media as only a boring dude, but that is because I’m only posting the highlights of my personality.  If you followed me around in real life, first of all quit stalking me, but second, you would see that I am the opposite of the guy in the Dos Eqius commercials.  I am the most Uninteresting Man in the World.  And it isn’t even close.

My kids fall asleep whenever they even anticipate me entering a room.  Restaurants close in the middle of the day whenever I come near because they want to ATTRACT customers.  And did you know that Seattle used to be sunny all the time before I moved here? Do you have any idea why clouds are so angry looking? Because they have to take turns hovering over me and they are just so bitter about it.

Being the terrible decision maker I am, I decided to go against every good instinct I’ve ever had and started several blogs.  So I experimented on several different areas of my inexpertise.  Here are some of the disasters I tried:


Food Blogger: Though I haven’t always been good at eating (see my first 42 years), I have eaten food before.  But only enough garbage to keep me alive.  They say you should blog about what you know, and since I have in the past sat down at tables and consumed food before, I figured why not become a food blogger?  My first post was a recipe that I finally learned myself at 16 when my mom started telling me that I had to do stuff for myself for once.

How to make cereal.

How to make cereal.

First post: How to make cereal.  So you get a plate, pour some orange juice on the plate, then stick it in the toaster for I’m guessing 29 minutes. Then you walk away and watch some TV.  After the toaster shorts out, you stick the plate upside down in the microwave with some tin foil and a metal fork on it.  Then, wonder what happened to each of the appliances for 3 minutes.  Then you pour some cereal on the plate and stick it in the refrigerator.  Serve to your family with raucous applause.

Some people followed the directions and I got sued.  Decided to shut down that blog for reasons.

Fashion Blogger:  I’ve always had a knack for generally wearing clothes in public.  Mine are pretty good at covering me up so people don’t cower in fear, so I thought people would want advice on how to wear yellow colored sweatpants from the 80’s and shirts with only several stains on them.


My first post: Other fashion bloggers told me I should do an OOTD (which I later found out meant Outfit of the Day thanks to Urban Dictionary) and people wondered why I was posting an Otter on the Deck.  I got a few nasty comments about my mistreatment of the Otter, because they are supposed to live in water, but I told them I fed him some of my famous cereal, so they should just back off. I never made it on the top 100 Fashion Blogs, so I quit a year later.

I guess they didn't like otters out of water eating bad cereal recipes.

I guess they didn’t like otters out of water eating bad cereal recipes.

Video Game Blogger:  I’ve always been really good at video games.  I heard there was a huge need out there for tutorials, secrets and videos of experts playing so people could get through tight spots in certain areas of games.

My first post?  How to beat Super Mario Brothers Level 1-1. One time I was able to beat level 1-1 in Super Mario Brothers, so I thought I would be a great resource for people to get to the flag at the end.  So I recorded myself playing it so other people could see how I miserably I failed, but to “never give up!”.  I never did beat the World 1-1 again, but it’s because that stupid walking mushroom will never get out of the way for me. Also got a comment from MarioPipeCleaner44 “I’ve never seen Mario trip in a game before. Your level of incompetence in video gaming is Fallout 4 epic.”  Not sure what Fallout 4 is.

My walk around music.

My first Mario video.  At least I didn’t trip this time.

Humor Blogger:  My kids always tell me that I’m funny.  For instance I will say, “Son, get to bed.” and he will say back, “You’re funny dad.” I say back to him, “I see what you are saying.  I should start a humor blog in which I tell people my funny jokes.  Thanks son.”  So of course the next day, I took out all our savings and purchased a website called Google.

My first post? I put this joke on my blog  “Why did the goose cross the highway?” “It’s my way or the highway.”  The internet apparently didn’t like this joke or even understand it, because no one responded to it and a year later I gave up the blogging on the Google website.

Couch Blogger: One Christmas, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and stuffing my face full of cereal that I failed to make correctly for my Food Blog, when I saw that there was a channel on TV that just showed a fire. For 24 hours straight.  It was then that I came up with the idea to just start doing a blog about sitting on the couch.  I attempted to do videos about sitting on the couch and doing nothing, but eventually I just started reporting the news. I couldn’t even do that right.

My first post? This terrible video of me attempting to do nothing on the couch and failing miserably. I ended up reporting some news about some random stuff that may not have even happened.

So why did I become a Bitter Blogger? Because I’m pretty awesome at failing.  And what better to do as a failure, than to be bitter about your failings instead of actually making yourself better? So I went on an internet website exchange site and saw that this company called Google wanted my website because they were failing so hard using the site and wanted to see if I would trade.  Since Google was such a failure for me, I was like, sure take the stupid web address.  Like it will ever amount to something. is so much better. I bet they are losing a ton of money while here I am sitting pretty at no money lost. Someday they are going to regret when actually makes some money.


Bitter Blogger Ben

Bitter News From the Couch Vol. 4

You know that friend you have that you can only handle every once in a while? The one that is only slightly tolerable in small doses? The one that might accidentally throw out a pun that is funny, but then emboldened by the laughter of the first pun, keeps going?  The one that stays well past the party is over and isn’t very good at getting the hint that you just want to go to bed and not talk to them anymore?

Well, you are in luck because Bitter News from The Couch is back.  Just when you thought it got the hint to just go away and not come back again, it didn’t get the hint and came back again.  It is ready to stay way longer than you were comfortable.  Be ready for some bad puns and some uncomfortable conversation that you just didn’t want to have!

The worst part is you probably had some awkward conversation last night with just the same kind of friend.  So Enjoy the Sunday Morning Bitterness yet again!

And just in case you need more awkward bitterness in your life, here are all the other previous episodes.


Bitter News from the Couch Vol. 4 Ben

Taking you all to School Friday Giftures

This is the kind of week I dream about.  I was off this whole week so I could watch the kids, so my wife could go on a trip.  This was my chance to be lazy.  The chance for me to lay on the couch, watch TV and do not much.  Well, that’s all it turned out to be.  Apparently, even though I didn’t have work, the kids still had school.  So I ended up not so much sitting around, but driving a lot.  There was like 8 trips to the airport, a couple of trips to the grocery store, and way too many trips to the school.  And the learning.  Why do they teach kids so many things these days? Next time you turn around they are going to want college students to know basic multiplication.  All I know was I was like a bus driver, because I took all the kids to school.  After all the learning I had to endure, I’m going to let you all in on all the knowledge I gained this week. Get ready to be schooled in Bitter Friday Giftures.

Here’s a little book you can read…

Here's a little

…It’s about a Cat in the Hat and he likes to strike back.

In Chemistry you will learn that…


…water and fire combine to make fire.  I mean fire is made up of heat and vinegar, never mind.  Explosions.

In engineering…


…we learned that in order to fly you don’t have to leave the ground.  Helpful to couchdwellers like myself.

In meteorology we learned…

in weather

…that a tiny little spoon can cause all kinds of weather related disasters. 

In home ec, we learn the secret way…


i…to put a baby to sleep. 

In gym class, I could try to tell you that the goalie…


…is a cat, but I’d be fe lying to you.   

In the ninja arts, we see the ultimate finisher…


…sword of. 

In zoology class, we learned how to take care of animals…


…actually I’m lion.

In other veterinarian instruction…


…Kriss Kross doesn’t always make you jump. 

We teach you how to handle a fish…


…but you have to be willing to take a shot first. 


In the end, we will teach you how never to give up…



…and how stupid it is to believe that. 

In the end…

...just try to stay awake...or don't.

…just try to stay awake…or don’t.

It’s Friday.  What are we doing in class again? Can that stupid bell just ring, so we can go home and hit the couch and eat some pizza and fall asleep watching pizza? For goodness sake.


Bitter School Friday Giftures Ben

Mute Button Bitterness

Young lonely woman on bench in park

Life was feeling a little gray. 

About 14 years ago, our life was feeling a little gray.  Things were fine, but there was just something little missing.  We just had a feeling like our family wasn’t…quite complete.  There was color in our life, but we needed a little more.  We had many nervous conversations about why, how much, if we were up to the task, and how we would handle a new addition.  We finally just went for it.  We went to Costco and picked up the most beautiful 50 inch screen TV.  Life was more colorful.  And the sound.  Surround.  5.1 Dolby and so crisp and clear that we would be able to hear it when it started action movieing at night.

The content was great, but it just wasn't big enough or colory enough.

The content was great, but it just wasn’t big enough or colory enough.

We’ve since moved on from the beautiful creation of 50 inch screen and gone bigger and better and brighter and even 1080p-er.  And of course when the right time comes we will welcome a newer, brighter and even better sounding TV into our lives.  Nothing creates a bitter edge better when you are angry at your basketball team losing in 4K and 7.1 surround.

Then there are those people, cough cough, my parents, who feel the need to mute the television. Why would they try to silence the bitter sounds of basketball, the ear splitting bombs of an action flick, or the unending bitterness of the news?

Fancy and all, but wouldn't be so much with a Mini-Cooper engine.

Fancy and all, but wouldn’t be so much with a Mini-Cooper engine.

That is like getting a Lamborghini and putting a Mini-Cooper engine in it because you didn’t want to make the neighbors jealous with the rev of the engine every morning.

That is like getting the latest smartphone and installing the same software that was used on the very first cellphone, and just using it for -gasp- phone calls.

The mute button should never be used on a television.  Noise, sound, crows attacking towns, cars blowing up, secrets being told really loud, all those things were made for television.  HD picture, HD sound, those were not made to be muffled, shut down, quieted or shushed.

If you want to find something to shut up, or mute, or shut down, look for the annoying less useful, picture averse tele.  The Telephone.

Telephones were meant to be seen, not heard.  I’m not talking about the mini-computer, musica playing, highlight streaming, twit running, Facebook fetching smart phone.  I’m talking about that whiny, cranky ringing thing that only brings the type of communication that makes you cringe.  There is no sound that a telephone makes that is anywhere near pleasant to the earholes.  The buzz, other peoples voices, the ring, etc.

The mute button was created for the phone.  So you could make fun of people out loud while not “offending” them.  There are a few other things that make me bitter that should have mute button.


What would be a better use for a mute button?

Political Debates (or politicians in general) – I’m sure a word or two accidentally comes out of a debate that actually matters or makes sense or persuades, but as a guy that hates confrontation, we should just use funny emoji’s to explain just how little sense any of them are making.

'Everything came back bitter.'

‘Everything came back bitter.’

Doctors – They are good at asking questions like, “How long has this been going on?” (since I was a kid) or “How many times a week do you eat pizza?” (How many is all of them?) or “Does this run in the family?” (there hasn’t been any kind of running in my family for quite a while), but very bad at giving you answers to your questions.  “Is there a magical pill for this?” (It’s too early to say) or “How about a surgery that can fix this?” (oh that’s way too dangerous, just keep living with your pain. $20 co-pay please).

Or if there were a mute button.

Or if there were a mute button.

Meetings – I’ve been to way too many of them, and I avoid them like the plague.  Actually meetings are the worst kind of plague.  They kind that inject boredom and uselessness and utter waste of time into your brain.  And they steal all life from your brain, including oxygen.  If we had a mute button for meetings, at least there would be entertainment.

Make sure your life isn’t incomplete.  Make sure that 50 to 100 inch TV is safely inside your house.  Make sure you have the surround sound set up for those action movies.  And make sure no one has access to your remote.  Because they might try to mute your TV.  And then what’s next? Mute you? Unacceptable.


Bitter Muted Ben

Bitter Ben’s Video Game

You can't always jump a plane to Hawaii, can you?

You can’t always jump a plane to Hawaii, can you?

Sometimes life just sucks and you need to get away.  It could be that you walked outside at 4:50 and it was dark and you ran into the invisible nightmare called a Spiderman’s web.  Or your engine light might go on again for you tire being flat.  Or you might have grabbed 13 items at the grocery store, and the express line only allowed for 12.  It’s the little things that make you bitter.

You might want to fly away to Hawaii everytime something sucks, but you can’t.  For me, the escape is video games.  Whenever I feel like I want to punch someone IRL (like someone that would say IRL to me), I go and play Punch Out.  If life give me lemons, I go squeeze a trigger in Borderlands.

The only reason I run too.

The only reason I run too.

I love video games because they allow me to escape the miserably bitter existence that life can be. My life isn’t interesting.  I go to work, I go home, I go to scouts, I go to sleep.  Sometimes I take naps.  And when I get time, I play video games. If my life weren’t so boring, they would be make video games about me.

"You gotta reach for your goals so you can fail miserably."

“You gotta reach for your goals so you can fail miserably.”

Actually, that might be a good idea.  They should make a video game about me.  How about this for a game? Your goal is to rise to the ranks of a disenfranchised employee.  When you first boot up the game, you are a college graduate full of purpose and enthusiasm.  In the first cut scenes, you are repeatedly pummeled in the face with Bureaucracy Bots, sliced down by Meetings Minions, and overwhelmed with Small Talk Tanks and beat down Busy Work Borgs.  By the time you take control of your character, you are beat down employee.

Welcome to Ben's Bitter

Welcome to Ben’s Bitter Disenfranchisement.

You can of course choose any number of bitter employee types.  You can design his or her face, all their characteristics, and design how bitter they are with Bitter Points.  You may want to be a nicer bitter type, but that will cause you to be less powerful.  You may want to be a stealth ninja introvert bitter person by sneaking through the day being without hardly being noticed at all, or be loud mouthed Bitter Jerk the slices through Bureaucracy Bots left and right, and punching HR Policies in face.

Any way you choose your Bitterness, you have specific missions. Every day at your break time, the Leaches, (better known as co-workers) make their way toward your desk.  They are trying to cause your worst nightmare.  Give you more work to do that isn’t yours.  They will stop at nothing to prevent you from getting to your break.  How do you handle it? Do you pummel them? Do you run? Do you use your stealth ninja skills to avoid them at all costs?

The action ramps up even higher when lunch time comes around.  Not only are you fighting off co-workers in your department, but customers are calling to ask you to do impossible tasks, other departments are sending you emails that are marked urgent, and co-workers claim they are “getting sick” and need you to take over their work for them.

In the Game of Bitterness, you must use all the weapons you can find.

In the Game of Bitterness, you must use all the weapons you can find.

You must fight back.  Your bitterness IS your weapon.  As you gain “experience” by working at your job for a long time, your boredom becomes a powerful board.  Your growing defensive mechanisms become gradually more powerful forcefields, and your zoning out at work becomes your “imaginational magic casting skills”.  Eventually grown hidden secondary skills are things like eye rolls, subtle sighs.

Find alternate paths to the break room.  You might find a map in the bathroom that gives your directions to a hidden unused bathroom, or find new magical items that can help you avoid your pesky co-workers, the Bad of Breath, or the Cough of Hacking.  Discover hidden power ups, like Leftover Halloween Candy that was accidentally knocked under the table cloth in the party room, or extra loot in your lower drawer that no one knew about.

Find hidden shortcuts.

Find hidden shortcuts.

Find hidden walls or doors, that lead to executive offices or downstairs closets full of treasures.  Co-workers will stop at nothing to cause you more work.  Your goal is avoid work at all costs.  In fact, there is nothing that you should work harder at than avoiding work.  All your work avoidance skills will be put to the test as you face off in amazingly Epic Boss Battles.

Face off against Supervisor in Boring Meeting, Accounting Supervisor in Audit, and VP in Brainstorming Session.  It will all come to a Final Boss Battle in Employee Evaluation. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hid, not sidekicks to count on.  Just your wit, your Ninja Skills of Changing the Subject, Bus Throwing, and Blackmail.

Face off against the Ultimate Boss Battle...Your Annual Review.

Face off against the Ultimate Boss Battle…Your Annual Review.

Get ready for some action packed bitterness coming to the PlayBitter, the Xbitterness, and Nintendtofail in Early Spring 2016.


Bitter Buy My Game Ben

Bitter Rivalry of the Week: My stomach vs. My Face

Hey trees, how about you clean up after yourselves?

Hey trees, how about you clean up after yourselves?

As the trees continue their jerky behavior by littering all their leaves on the ground, and not picking up after themselves, as the grass continues to die a slow painful death, and as the snowman continue to be wait in icy cold anticipation for the weather to be just right for them to come out an play, we all know, Winter in Coming.  Right Game of Thrones?

Winter is coming.

Winter is coming.

Actually, I don’t know, I’ve never seen Game of Thrones, but I’ve heard that winter is coming.  You know what else is coming?  A bitter battle for the top half of my body. There has always been a battle brewing there.

There is the top part of my face, Bitter Mouth, is absolutely no good at  saying words except, “Leave me alone”, “Go away”, and “, go check it out”.  The teeth storage unit is very much opposed to anything but the absolutely most necessary words.  When it comes to food entering Bitter Mouth, there is a bouncer with very specific instructions watching the place.  He only allows the very coolest and swaggy foods to come to the party.  Cheese, pizza, cheese pizza, pepperoni, pepperoni pizza, and bagels, with cheese.  Chocolate, candy bars, and brownies can come but only if they bring milk as a date.  Lame party pooper foods like kale, salad, broccoli, black beans, oats, lentils, and sprouts are strictly prohibited.

If you are kale, "You Shall Not Pass!"

If you are kale, “You Shall Not Pass!”

Bitter Stomach is a hot mess.  He is a non stop talker, constantly digesting things, making noise, causing havoc.  He is the kid standing in front of the refrigerator, saying, “I’m hungry. There’s nothing to eat. Make me a sandwich.”  He wants Bitter Mouth to give him cookies and cake, but then when mouth sends it right down, he complains that he wants kale and beans.  First he is “starving”, then he’s too full.  The guy just can’t make up his mind, and he’s never content.  Mouth is always trying to tune him out, but stomach is so relenting, stomach always gets his way.  Either way, stomach is a jerk.  If you don’t feed him, he will whine and complain.  If you do feed him, he will grow and become bloated.  He is a lose/lose situation.

Bitter Stomach is a Hot Mess.

Bitter Stomach is a Hot Mess.

So, which guy is a bigger Bitter jerk? Bitter Stomach, or Bitter Mouth? Who causes you the most pain? Who do they think they are?


Bitter Battle of Stomach and Mouth Ben

Bitter Ben Presents: The First Annual Friday Gifture Slam Dunk Contest


Basketball season is back and bitter than ever.  The excitement is in the air.  Teams all still think they have a chance.  Teammates are getting to know each other and they are still trying to learn their new locker combinations.  Still talking about their crushes and what kind of homework they are getting from Coach. The Varsity squad with their varsity uniforms looking down on the bench players.  Cliques are being formed.  They can’t wait for the pep rally All-Star Game in early February.  Well, Ben’s Bitter Blog decided to host the Slam Dunk Contest early.  Unfortunately we couldn’t find the big stars, but we were able to come up with some dunkers in…other areas of life. Witness our supersized Friday Gifture post.

Let’s start with our friend Mario…

200 (19)

…with his 8 bit One Dimensional Dunk.  

I think our Friends….

...give Mario all 10's.

…give Mario all 10’s.

Next up I hear warehouse guy has all kind of potential…

...but I think he's reached his ceiling.

…but I think he’s reached his ceiling.

Let’s ask Emma Watson what she thinks…

...she also can't put it into words.

…she also can’t put it into words.

Our third contestant Skater Boi…

...we have Skater Boi.

…plans his gnarly grinder in your face dunk.

Christian Bale? What say ye?


“I haven’t seen anything like that since The Reign Man!”

We don’t discriminate around here. Next is up Folding Chair girl…


...with her Fall Classic dunk. 

Nap judge? What do you say?


He’s flipping out over here.

Next up…

well, you otter know.

…well, you otter know.

Whatta ya think, Kimmie…


…so…you liked it then?

Number 7, you da real MVP…


…of the dunk contest

You on board Napoleon?…

...he thinks you are Dynamite.

…was she good or was she Dynamite?

Ready for the most amazing dunk…


…that didn’t happen?

What do you think, guy from Breaking Bad?


…I guess there was a meth..od to his madness…

Here we found some actual NBA guys…


…to show us not how to do it.

So Picard, was it out of this world…


…or nah. 

 And our last contest on the Dunk is wrong…

...this guy who should be able to dunk in his sleep.

…this guy who should be able to dunk in his sleep.

What do you think Hercules, Son of Zeus? How would you rate that dunk on a scale of Disappointed to 10?



Thank you for joining us for Bitter Ben Presents: The First Annual Friday Gifture Slam Dunk Contest.  I hope you have been aghast, disappointed, bitter and left wanting for no more.  Keep nightmaring, practicing and honing your falling, tripping and awkward foray around the hoops and you too may some day be judged by the judgiest celebrities, mythic Gods, and fictional characters people ever to witness you misdeeds around the hoops.  Bitter Ben off.


Bitter Ben Presents: The First Annual Friday Gifture Slam Dunk Contest Ben

The Bitter Referee

First rule of the Ref club, know where you are.

First rule of the Ref club, remember which sport you are reffing.

The Seattle Seahawks have been pretty famous for being on the beneficial side of calls in the last few years.  There was the “Fail Mary” call about three years ago on Monday Night Football, and there was the call about the fumble in the end zone that  allowed them to win earlier this year.

You know how all jobs, while pretty they are pretty much the worst, still have some sort of benefit somewhere down the line? Like a garbage man while having to deal with everyone else’s stinky crap all day at least they know that there is less garbage on the streets or a teacher while having a bad salary and little benefits still have a few weeks off in the summer in which to find another job that might pay them some real money and they are affecting kids lives somehow.

Jobs are the worst.

Jobs are the worst.

Well being a referee, there is no benefit at all.  Especially if they don’t get paid. Your job as a ref is to make sure that out of all 25 billion rules that have been written about stuff, you know each of them intimately.  And you ruin players lives, fans lives, fantasy leagues money lives and even yours because you decided to be a ref.

I remember being almost forced into being a ref a few times just so I would be allowed to play basketball.  I mostly “swallowed the whistle” meaning I just let the people play and got torched because things got out of hand.  But then I would call a foul and they got mad because I called a foul.  It was an unwinnable job that I didn’t want to do and didn’t even get paid for.

200 (22)

One of the perks of being a ref. The possibility of being heinously injured.

Being a dad or a mom has many thankless jobs, but the least glorious and never winningiest one is being a referee. You are constantly asked to break up fights, declare winners, and make decisions that are as fair as Solomon and the other greatest judges in the history of the land.

“Dad, brother hit me.”

“Dad, sister hit me first.”

“Well he was looking at me funny.”

“Well she was touching my side of the car.”

“Well he was looking at my french fries.”

A flag is thrown up in the air. I turn my mic on, so everyone can hear. “Please come to the judgement table and I shall make my decision.”

“Sister, when we get home, you are to sit in the living room and talk to people.” (She is an introvert.)

“Brother, you are to sit in your room and not talk to people.” (He is an extrovert.)

“Not fair, I want an appeal. Why does he get to go to his room? That is so unfair.  I’m never talking to you ever again.”

“Come on, dad, why does she get to stay out and talk to people? I’m telling mom on you when she gets back. She always let me hit sister.”

“I need to confer with my line judge, the field judge and the back judge.”

Minutes of restless arguing in the backseat of the car, I come to the middle of the car and turn on the mic once again.  “After a review of the arguments made, it has been determined that the decision with sister will stand.  Also the one with brother will stand.  Also, sister you will talk to me again, because if you don’t, your tablet will be taken away.  And brother, we know that mom never condones violence.  If you say that again, you will be further punished by having your Nerf Gun arsenal confiscated.”


Ummm….you can’t do that. 

Sister disagrees and stomps off to her room with her tablet, and brother continues to argue with me while shooting Nerf bullets at me because he’s mad.

The life of a referee.


Bitter Referaaaaggghhhh Ben

The Bitter Offensiveness of Cheetos

Up when the post is well thought out and has good grammar, down when it was thrown together this morning.

Up when the post is well thought out and has good grammar, down when it was thrown together this morning.

I don’t know about my other fellow bloggers, but I’ve noticed several things over the 3 1/2 years of doing posts on 4-5 post a week clip.  One of the biggest takeaways I’ve had is that you never know which posts will do well and which ones will fail.  In fact, it seems like the ones I predicted people would love are the ones that fail the most spectacularly and the ones I thought sucked, do really well.

Another thing I notice is that sometimes the post will do well not because of the spectacular writing skills, but the subject.

The third thing I notice is that the comments don’t always skew toward what I thought people would talk about.  Case in point, my last post about Introverts vs. Extroverts.  It was a simple, rushed together post that I was just trying to get done before I had to work on something else.  It is a fascinating subject to me, and one that I would have loved to delve into way more, but really didn’t have the time or energy to.

The post didn’t exactly go viral, but it inspired more comments than the average post.  A few of them leaned toward the extrovert vs. introvert debate, but most of them came from what I thought was a throwaway line in the intro.

The line: “Some claim there are weirdo’s called ambiverts (a combination of both), but then again, some people claim there is such a thing as unicorns, dragons and people that don’t like Cheetos.”

That one line cause more comments than anything about the Introverts vs. Extroverts debate.

I had a few comments about ambiverts and a couple about unicorns, but the one that I thought was the slam dunk part of that line was that I thought absolutely no one out there didn’t like Cheetos.  Boy was I wrong (for the first time ever). Four separate commenters said they not only didn’t like Cheetos, but they “hated” them.


Just like the flaming hot hatred some people have for Cheetos.

So I had to know.  What did Cheetos do to offend these people so? These are my guesses:

People don’t like Chester Cheetah.  What is not to like about an adorable old man looking Cheetah that doesn’t really run fast, isn’t much of a cheetah, and wears sunglasses indoor like they used to in the 80’s? So, he’s kind of a punk that encourages bad behavior like bribing a concierge with the magical 4th piece of the medley of cheesy flavors Chipotle Cheddar, Salsa Picante, Jalepeno Cheddar and Cheddar so he will get fired by allowing them to swim in the pool?  How could he be considered offensive at all?

He doesn't have an easy life.

He doesn’t have an easy life.

It’s that leftover cheese dust isn’t it? Let’s be honest.  Value as a commodity is way overrated.  When you pay for something, you want it to just be the one thing you paid for and nothing extra, right? Who needs things like BOGO or Buy one get on free? Why would I want to eat a whole bag of Cheetos, then want some leftover dust on my fingers to be added to the whole packaging? That’s like buying something for $19.50, paying with a $20 and expecting change back.  Seriously, man get your extra cheese dust away from me.

Such a bad value.

Such a bad value.

Is it the offensive orange color? There is an excessive amount of colors in this world.  Not only do we have primary colors, but all kinds of different shades of them too.  It’s time to cut back.  I say we stick with 7. Red, blue, green, yellow, purple, black and white.  Who needs orange on the spectrum? I mean Red and Yellow shouldn’t have to be forced to intermingle ever.  Red is for stopping, and Yellow is for caution.  If we mixed them together we would get stop with caution, and there are way too many mixed signals there.  Traffic would be chaos.  Also, one of them is from Mars and one is from Venus, so they should never combine to make a baby color like orange right? That’s just gross.  And Halloween needs to stop using orange because it seems to similar to fall.  And fall should be banned from using orange because it clashes with all the other fall colors.

Quit infecting fall, orange.  You are just gross and clashy.

Quit infecting fall, orange. You are just gross and clashy.

Maybe it’s because people hate cheese. Cheese is just the worst.  I mean really.  Gross.  It is like milk that is like curdled right? And cheese doesn’t go well with anything.  Not with pizza, or burgers or pasta or even eating alone.  It especially doesn’t mix well with a crunchy bunch of air.

Pizza is so much better without cheese.

Pizza is so just so much better without cheese.

Is it that people don’t like that it has lots of calories? If something has a lot of calories, you know it is gross, right? Chocolate is gross, ice cream is gross, candy at Halloween is gross, pizza is gross. It’s the super healthy foods that are really good for us that is the most succulent.  Ever have some of that so tasty kale for an afternoon snack? How about a bitter tasting rhubarb when you just need something to junk out on? How about a big crunchy bit of an onion to sweeten up your day? Nothing like a nice juicy handful of kidney beans when you are having a Netflix binging marathon?

Ice cream is so gross because it has a lot of calories.

Ice cream is so gross because it has a lot of calories.

It must be that Cheetos don’t go with a certain flavor of drink. It just doesn’t seem to blend with that Chateau Fiji Water of 2013, or that Diet Pepsi Max Vintage 2014.  And it definitely doesn’t blend well with the tarty and meaty flavor of Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry of 2015.  On the other hand, have you mixed a very healthy apple with some Cherry Limeade 2013? The flavor only makes you pucker up so very little.

Cheetos don't even go with a vintage Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry.

Cheetos don’t even go with a vintage 2013 Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry.

I’ve learned so much today.  If it wasn’t for the completely random statement I made in my post two days ago, I never would have found out how offensive Cheetos were to the general population.  I am so very thankful to my commenters for bringing the offensiveness of Cheetos to my attention.  I am glad that I was able to do the research about Cheetos and why they are so offensive to the palate. Speaking of which, I’m hungry for breakfast. Cheetos anyone?


Bitter Cheesy Ben




Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Introverts vs. Extraverts

The battle of introverts vs. extroverts is a face off.  Actually it is a face other ways.

The battle of introverts vs. extroverts is a face off. Actually it is a face other ways.

There are two kinds of people in the world, introverts and extroverts. Some claim there are weirdo’s called ambiverts (a combination of both), but then again, some people claim there is such a thing as unicorns, dragons and people that don’t like Cheetos.

Since those kind of people technically don’t exist, there has been a battle raging between the cravers of small talk vs. the cravers of the couch.

In this corner, we have the extroverts.  They love the holiday season for the parties and the people and then the chance to jibber jabber until the Christmas and Halloween lights turn off.  They crave the meetings, motivational speaking, being the center, right and left of attention, the friends and family gatherings.  They crave the online video gaming, the board game gatherings, even the Game of Throning. When it comes to this battle, they are bringing some friends to the fight.

Extroverts.  No thought hidden in those brains.

Extroverts. Like farm to table, except with the thoughts that enter their brains.

In the other corner, here come the introverts.  Actually, they prefer the corner very much.  They love the holidays for the sitting by the fire, writing their family Christmas letters, hunting out the one person they feel comfortable with at parties and clinging to them for dear life. They enjoy binge watching, binge eating, binge reading, binge staying home, binge beard growing, binge NanoWriMoing and binge party avoidance. When it comes to the battle, they are uniting together separately!

We will fight you all! But separately! Bring it!

We will fight you all! But separately! Bring it!

So, who is winning the Battle Royale! Will it be the talkers or talk avoiders? The party goers or the party planners? The 16 player online battlers or the 16 hour solo RPGs?


Bitter Battle Ben

Scaredy Cat Bitter Friday Giftures


For some reason, around this time of year, fears seem to pop up as an issue.  People seems to want to talk about their fear of spiders or ghosts or the dark or cholesterol or the way too upbeatness of SpongeBob.  Maybe it’s because Halloween brings the spookiness out of people, or this time of year is way too busy with parties that bring out the inner rage of introverts, that just want to lay on the couch and watch TV instead of going to yet another Halloween party and have talk yet even more words.  Since it is so close to Halloween, we will finally address some of those fears in our weekly Bitter Friday Giftures.

First we should probably talk about the fact that humans have many fears…

Apparently ducks don't

…but ducks don’t seem to have any.

So what are some fears that we have? Some people have the..


…fear of succeeding. 

Some people have a…


…fear of flying.

While others have a…


…fear of falling.


There are those like me that have a fear…


…of loss…of their food…

While others…


…cower in fear of the things that food comes in.

Some may have a…

...have a fear of heights.

…fear of heights….

While others have a…


…fear of being way too low. 

Some have a…


…fear of deep water…

While others..


…fear the water that isn’t deep enough.  

Some people are…


…scaredy dogs…

While others…


…are scaredy cats. 

Have a Bitter Halloween, don’t stay safe, always accept apples with razor blades, and make sure you do your best to avoid any parties, people and pumpkins.


Bitter Hallowed Eve Eve Ben














Pest Control for Humans

The protector of Metropolis

The protector of Metropolis

Cities have had a long history of having protectors of their fair citizens.  Superman has long protected the people of Metropolis from its powerful alien enemies.  Batman has learned to fight dirty and in the dark to protect the citizens of Gotham.  And Spiderman gracefully glides across, above and through the skyscrapers to protect New York City from its colorful nemeses. What about Seattle you ask? We have this guy:

This is SBM Man.

Seattle’s protector everyone…

This guy protects the city of Seattle from pests…like spiders…and bats…and supers, oh my.  Mr. Stop Bugging Me will,  for enough money,  come to your house and use his superhero powered spray stuff on your house to protect your little Metropolis from its tiny supervillains.

Though the Stop Bugging Me guy is pretty powerful against the so dangerous bugs that buzz, sting and squeak, and Superheros are pretty good against regular sized Supervillains, who is there to protect you against the mildly annoying? You know, the rest of the billions of people left that you don’t want around? That’s where I come in.  Bitter Ben’s Human Pest Control(BBHPC).  Here are a few examples of the pests I will protect you from:

Politicks – Every year around November these ticks burrow themselves into your televisions, radios, newspapers, and social medias platforms and don’t let go until they are elected.  Then, as soon as they suck you dry of your vote and your money, they will  attach themselves to other hosts until they need you in four more years.

The Bitter Ben Cure? Bug OFF! Bitter Spray.  We will come to your house and turn off your Wi-Fi, cut down all the billboards and stick sign thingies and protect you from all your friends, family and other idiots that could possibly talk to you about anything, especially politicks.

Will protect you from politics that grow in your hair.

BBHPC Will protect you from politicks that grow in your hair.

Buzzy Beez – These human pests love to get in your face and know all of your bizzinezz.  And they like to spell everything wrong like deez and nutz.  Once they meet a victim, they love “getting to know the real you”, by Facestalking,  Insta- tella-gramming you, and Tweeterpating everything about you.  Whatever you do, don’t ever leave your smart phone out when these bloodsuckers around.

The Bitter Ben Cure: We introduce another Buzzy Bee and they stalk each other.


Sea-gullibles – These human pests will believe anything you tell them.  Which is great if you want to prank them, but sucks when you are making small talk with them, because you have to explain eeeverything.  What?Any expression you use has to be explained, sarcasm is a complete mystery and they flock around with a question mark above their head and a confused look on their face.

Cure: We tell them everyday is April Fools Day and of course they believe you.  They go mad and end up in an institution.

They're so seagullible.

They’re so seagullible.

Ant-agonists – These humans pests love to make mountains out of molehills, but most of all they will take the opposite of every position you do.  If you love Superman, they love Marvel, if you drink water, they eat fire, if you love Cheetos, they love eating the opposite of Cheetos which I assume is the the driest, non tastiest dirt ever.  They just love taking the opposition so they can dig under your skin.  Much like politicks.

The Bitter Ben Cure: A big magnifying glass and logic.

's favorite.

And Ant-tagonist’s favorite words.

Cocky-roaches – These human pond scums think the world revolves around them.  They are often found in gyms looking at the mirror, in nightclubs telling you how great they are, and at work, so busy telling you how right they are all the time, that they never actually work.  They think they are the best at everything, even though they are the worst at anything.

The Bitter Ben Cure: A pin to to their head, instantly pops their inflated ego.

Wanna know how great a cocky-roach is? Just ask them.

Wanna know how great a cocky-roach is? Just ask them.

Caterpil-liars – These human pests are always sweaty and looking to the left.  They promise they will come in under budget, didn’t steal the last cookie in the cookie jar, and totally didn’t cheat on the test.

The Bitter Ben Cure:  A tiny lie detector.

Skim Milk.  The worst pretender.

Skim Milk. The worst caterpil-liar.  

Driver’s Lice-sense –  These human wastes of space endanger your very way of life on the highways.  They tailgate you whenever they get a chance, don’t take their correct turn at four way stops, never use their turn signals and use Stop signs as a suggestion. They always using their horn and constantly texting while driving.

The Bitter Ben Cure: A device planted on their car that will stop them right in the middle of the toll lane.

The protection against driver's lice-sense's.

The protection against driver’s lice-sense’s.

Mesquitos – These salesperson pests will sell you with their fancy flavoring like detailed used car that look like they have only been driven 50,000 miles instead of the real 250,000 miles they have been driven, staged homes that have rodent problems and beautiful looks that are falling apart on the inside. They try to dazzle you with words, that really don’t mean anything.

The Bitter Ben Cure:  Polish remover.

He will find you and he will remove your polish.

He will find you and he will remove your polish.

We won’t be able to protect you from the world’s most famous supervillains, or be able to skillfully protect you from the world’s tiniest pests, but when it comes to the Human Pests that just won’t Stop Bugging You, Ben’s Bitter Human Pest Control will protect you from the mildest of annoyances with the biggest of destruction.

What are you biggest human pests? What would be your cure?