Bitter Time out for Adults

Get to bed, bitter underling.

Get to bed, bitter underling.

 

I’m getting a little tired of telling my kids to get to bed.  Tired of telling them to eat their ice cream for dinner and tired of telling them to shower once a month, tired of telling them to bring me the remote control over and over again.  I’m tired of them making me go outside and move around.  I’m tired of telling them to put the seat up, and I’m tired of telling them to cough on people on not into their hands or arms.  Clearly, I’m a little tired.  Mostly, I’m tired of telling them that they are in time out, because why should I have to count down the minutes they should be there?  More importantly why can’t I be in time out? Oh right, because that would be a reward.  You know who needs a time out? Adults.  But not a time away from society.  We need different punishments. Like perhaps:

Quit fighting.

Quit fighting.

Celebrities.  In the adult world, these are the two year old spoiled brats that think the world revolves around them.  They have evidence that it does, because they assistants bring them the sun and show everyone how it revolves around them.  For that, they are getting a time out.  We are taking away your phones, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, your website, your swag bags, and your make up.  In addition, you are grounded from your agents, publicists, lawyers, assistants, posse and make up artists. None of them can come over and play for two weeks.

Stop oversharing.

Stop oversharing.

Your Facebook friends: If they don’t stop oversharing, putting up stupid quotes, liking every post, putting hashtags on every word, relinking every story on Buzzfeed, sending me requests to play Candy Crush, your posting privileges will be revoked for two weeks. In addition, you will have to start an online journal called a blog on Blogger so you can make some new friends.

Politicians: If they don’t stop lying to everyone, then Momerica is going to take away their allowance for four years.  No fund raisers, no illegal bribes, no salary, and no budgets.  They will have to figure out how to keep their promises living the same way all their friends live.

No allowance for you.

No allowance for you.

Weathercasters: Al Roker and all his local cronies better stop bullying us into thinking we can wear a short sleeve shirt when it actually snows or telling it to snow all February.  He also better stop taunting us with Phoenix and Hawaii weather in the winter and California weather anytime.  If he doesn’t stop he will suffer the same time out that Bill Murray did.  The Groundhog Day punishment.

Stop telling us the wrong weather.

Stop telling us the wrong weather.

Commercials: Stop being acting so bad.  Stop annoying your sister with S.A.M. in your pants or your uncle about how he can save on car insurance in 15 minutes or less, or Rob Lowe with his cousin poor decision making Rob Lowe.  If you don’t stop, then we are taking away your TV privileges.

No more TV.

No more TV.

Telemarketers: If you don’t stop calling people late at night, your phone privileges will be revoked.

No more phone for you.

No more phone for you.

Car Salesman: Quit annoying everyone that comes to your room.  Just because they stop buy to look at your cars, doesn’t mean they want to buy one.  If you don’t stop, I’m taking away your driver’s license.

Your driver's liscense is revoked.

Your driver’s license is revoked.

Refrigerator: If you don’t stop taunting your family every time they walk by, you are going on a diet.

Doctors: Stop making people wait in the waiting room just so you can tell them that there is nothing we can do or prescribe the same medicine you have already been taking, or we are taking away your waiting room.

Movie concessions: If you don’t stop charging an arm and a leg, we aren’t going to let you go out to watch any movies with your friends.

Bitter Ben: If you don’t stop being bitter, cranky, or sarcastic, we are going to make you come out of your room and talk to people.

NOOOOOOOO! I would rather die than come out of my room! I’m not coming out! Do you hear meeeee!

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Time Out Ben

The Bitter Owner’s Manual

bosh_avengers

Like a Bosh through a portal, out pops the dreaded “Owner’s Manual”.

 

Some people I know like to build Legos.  Or rebuild engines.  Or fix computers.  Or put together furniture. Or mend relationships. For some reason, when they do these things, they think it brings some sort of order to the universe.  It doesn’t.  What they don’t know is that it brings something evil screaming into the world like Loki brought the Chitauri into the portal on earth.  The unholy and evil Owner’s Manual.  These wretched spawns are supposed to be a step by step process of how to build, fix or repair something.  Some of them are just a list, some are pictures and some are lists and pictures.  But the one thing that is universally included in all Owner’s Manual’s is something that will make even the smartest, sanest person alive as destructive as Wreck-It Ralph.  Missing steps.  In the Owner’s Manual program in colleges, they teach this as a necessary step. There is no owner’s manual to becoming bitter, but I do have a list of a few things that will help along those lines (and there are also some missing steps, per the traditional owner’s manual).

Fail to plan, so you can plan to fail – Everyone thinks it take so much dedication and planning to become bitter like this, but it doesn’t.  It takes a lot of things, but planning isn’t one of them. Bad manners maybe.  Unrealistic expectation, certainly, but planning never.  Do you think I sit around writing steps on how to avoid work at work all day? No.  It’s just a spontaneous thing.  Will I read other blogs? Will it be ESPN that day, or IGN.com, or will I take long breaks in the break room.  You can’t plan these things.  Things come up all the time that can get in the way of your “plan”.  You just have to be ready for anything when it comes to avoiding work.

Focus on your Failures – A lot of good things can happen during the day.  You might get a raise, a promotion, or your boss might be gone for the day or week or month.  Some people might find those things to be really great and that is just not something that will help you be bitter.  You must learn to find the bitter in things.  For instance, you got a raise? Awesome, now you have to pay more taxes, more people are going to want money from you, and now you will have to buy a Lamborghini that is even less fuel efficient than your current stupid car.  And that will make it so you get to work earlier.  Who wants that?  And a promotion? Why would I want to do more work again?

Looks good, but get's you to work too early, has bad gas mileage, isn't the Batmobile.

Looks good, but get’s you to work too early, has bad gas mileage, isn’t the Batmobile.

Don’t Finish Things – If you have an owner’s manual, this might cause you to finish something. How is that good? If someone knows you are good at finishing things, then they will depend on you. Then more work comes your way and something way worse.  Trust.  And the only thing that comes with trust, is pressure to always be there for someone in their times of need.  That means less time on the couch, sharing your pizza, and “listening to someone’s feelings”.  Seriously don’t have time for any of those things.

When you are in the zone, take a break – You know what it’s like to be in the zone right? Ideas are flowing, brush strokes are flying, the video game controllers is practically molded directly into your hands, all your dreams are coming true(you better wake up, you’re late for work).  And you think that the “zone” will last forever, so you take a break.  I don’t need to write those ideas down.  I’ll just put the paint brush down for a little.  I’ll just push pause on the game to “listen to family members” talking about something.  I’ll just wake up and completely remember the codes to the bank vault.  And when you come back the zone will completely come back right?

You're in the zone, taking pictures, then you take a break...

You’re in the zone, taking pictures, then you take a break…

Take shortcuts.  They key to unsuccessfulness in bitterness, is to take shortcuts.  Walk on people’s grass instead of their sidewalks.  While driving, don’t come to a complete stop, roll on through.  At a long red light, cut through that gas station to get to the other side.  At work, cut out of meetings for “an appointment” or “you have to go to the bathroom”.  When buying clothes, claim there is tiny hole and get a discount.  When learning how to fly, you don’t need an airplane, just a really good catapult and a set of something that kind of looks like wings.  When becoming a basketball player, just be really good at sitting on a bench, fake clapping encouragement, and work on your towel waving ability.

Buy Expensive things that have fatal flaws.  – Buy super nice computers that just have bad motherboards.  Buy expensive refrigerators that have ice makers that fail instantly.  Buy an expensive car that has automatic everything that is controlled by a computer run by Windows.  Buy a smart phone that has a dumb battery and that allows phone calls.  Buy a blog domain that includes the name bensbitterblog.

Passive Aggressiveness – Passive aggressiveness is good for no one.  But just because it isn’t good for anyone, doesn’t mean it isn’t my standard operating procedure.  Sarcasm is my favorite use of passive aggressiveness.  I use it to tell someone how much I can’t stand them, and the idiots that I use it with, don’t understand sarcasm, so it accomplishes nothing.  I won’t ever stop using it on them, and they won’t ever learn that I am totally tearing them down.  Bitterness personified.

See how useless owner’s manuals are? See how useless my advice to you is? See how much time both you and I have wasted going through this whole process? I will never get the 20 minutes back that it took to write this and you will never get the 5 seconds back that you wasted looking at the title of this blog and moving on very quickly.  It was a waste for all and a cause for bitterness.

 

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Owner’s Manual Ben

Glutton for Punishment Giftures

Every afternoon, I leave my crazy job for a little bit and go to the break room.  I grab my smart phone and turn on the big screen TV and I watch that game show called Let’s Make a Deal.  You know, the one where people dress up like deranged lunatics on Halloween so they get a minor chance to get a minor prize. Winning a prize like a car is about the same chance as winning the lottery, but with the additional burden of having to pay tax on the car.  Obviously, I prefer when people get Zonks, the life equivalent of getting to stay in a nice hotel, only to be kicked out in the middle of the night.  Somehow, despite the fact that I enjoy seeing people get too greedy and then lose it all on a Zonk, there is constant screaming on this show.  Any time somebody mentions money, or car or who’s my next contestant, the crowd goes into a frenzy like they inherited Bill Gates massive fortune and they will be swimming in his money vault right now.  I know that in order to make it on the show they are told they have to act that way, but I can’t stand screaming people.  And yet, here I am, everyday watching this crap.  I must be a glutton for punishment.  Today, I think we should view some other bitter people like me that are gluttons for punishment. (By the way, this post is dedicated to Jamie of FitsofWit. She thinks every week, I put gifs on here that don’t show the conclusion.  Here you Jamie.  All of them show the disaster happening. And I’m not talking about this blog disaster.)

 

This guy wanted to video bomb so bad…

This

…that he hit the wall. 

 

According to the Chinese Lunar Calendar this is the year of the sheep…

...

…not the Ram.  

 

This guy is starting his Mardi Gras off in style…

dfd

…and on fire. 

 

This guy needs to make like a tree…

dfd

…and get out of here.

 

This guy is taking a crash course…

dfd

…in Karma. 

 

 

This guy is just…

dfd

…a pain in the glass. 

 

This girl has a…

dff

…pretty explosive fastball.

 

This is what happens when you…

df

…party like a Hulk star.

 

Guess after this stunt…

dfdf

…he got fired.

 

 

This is why…

sdf

…I don’t exercise. 

 

This one is a…

dfdsf

…catastrophe.

 

This is why…

dsf

…I have avoidance issues.

Speaking of being a glutton for punishment, a fellow blogger of ours, Samantha over at Flowers and Wanderlust wanted to interview me for some reason, and did.  If you want to support her in her glutton for punishmentness, you can go over to her blog and check it out, and if you are a glutton for punishment and want to read about what I am like in real life, check out her interview with me.  I apologize for this in advance.  Not really.  Now get out here and go get gluttonous for punishment this weekend.

ARRRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Glutton Ben

Clothes need to start doing more

Smartphones just a few steps from replacing your brain.

Smartphones are just a few steps from replacing your brain.

Smart phones are useful because they do like more than one thing.  They actually do like 3 things.  They text (with your permission, of course) they run apps, and they run the internet like a mini-boss.  If you have a cool smart phone and don’t depend on it to ignore people on a regular basis, you should be stripped of you smartphone privileges and sent to Nokia jail where you may only use your phone only for making a calls, which as you know, nobody picks up.  You may text, but it will be painful.  You will not be allowed to use the fancy touchscreen method that everyone else uses, but forced to use the alphanumeric buttons just to get one letter.  And you will be forced to do that until you can figure out how to despise other people.  Phones aren’t meant to be used like Graham Bell intended, but the way Jobs intended.  They are supposed to be everything but the kitchen sink, because who wants to do the dishes with a phone? Point being the phone was stupid until Jobs came around and made it useful.

I am going to be the Jobs of clothes.  On the scale of 1 to Smartphones, clothes rank below useless.  Yes, they do prevent me from being arrested in public by the E! channel’s Fashion Police, if I was famous, but I’m not, so they don’t even do that. Clothes are boring and lazy, and that isn’t acceptable, because those are my jobs.  If they were real people, they would be a bane to society and people would be telling them to go get a job, hippy. They suck so bad, that as soon as I don’t have to, I’m like:

When I get home...

The second I get home…

It’s time for two smart people with e’s in their names, an entrepreneur and an engineer, to come to me for some ideas on how to make clothes a little more interesting and versatile and me less bitter about them.

Are you listening E & E? I propose the following ideas:

Clothes should fit.  Cause duh…Yes, I know, a groundbreaking idea. Just this last year, the Spurs won the championship.  I was excited and immediately went to the NBA website to pick out a shirt I could wear in the next few weeks to show off the fact that I played 35 minutes a game and was the difference maker in them winning.  But when I went to find a shirt, none of them had my size.  I don’t ask for much in a shirt, except for it not to be a belly shirt.  I want it to fit.  Does the NBA only think that skinny people wear their shirts, because how could you like a sport if you had a bitter gut? l don’t ask much clothes, but for you to fit.  So E&E, invent clothes that change and expand to your wearer’s.  If I find a shirt I like, I don’t want to have to worry about the size.  Not a one size fits all, but a shirt that changes with you.  Is that such a hard thing to do?

Medicine dispenser – I sometimes forget to take my medicine at night because it isn’t always part of my routine.  But every single day, I make sure to have clothes on.  So clothes need the medicine feature.  Give me an automatic reminder, store it in the clothes somewhere, just make it so I don’t forget.

If a Toy Story Lego can tell the time, then clothes certainly should be able to.

If a Toy Story Lego can tell the time, then clothes certainly should be able to.

Tell the time – I could count on my fingers and toes at least two things out there that tell me the time.  My smartphone and my watch.  I haven’t worn a watch for a millenium or so (1999?) but at least it could tell me the time.  If you want to keep up with the Phones’s, you need to at least be able to tell me the time.  Even Flavor Flav as completely out of his mind as he is, could  tell me the time.

Hydrate and Nourish –  Nike and a few others have taught clothes a little lesson on keeping moisture out of clothes, with that dry wick stuff, but how about keeping me hydrated and nourished? At work, any time I want to get something to drink, I have to get up from my chair, walk all these steps to a break room kitchen, get a cup, put some ice in it, then push another button to store the water in the cup.  Then I have to walk back, grab the cup and hold it up to my face hole and drink it.  In the process, all kinds of things can happen.  I could spill the ice, or the water at any point in this process (and believe me, I have).  Let’s eliminate the middle man and just make the clothes do it directly.  Then, we can fire the middle management.  And you wouldn’t believe how much time it would save for me on the food part.

Yes like that Adam.

Adam Sandler had the right idea. 

Music Player – You’ve heard of the Ipod right? Yeah it is too big, I agree.  But have you heard of the Ipod shuffle? How hard would it be to incorporate a music player into the clothes? And for the player to read my mind when it came to what kind I want to be playing everytime? When I am walking in slow motion with explosions behind me, I want the music to be blaring the appropriate, “Wow, that guy is cool” music behind me.  When I am feeling emo and bitter, I want to music give people just the right “go away” vibe I’m looking for.  And when I am driving home, I should only have to be distracted by my phone, not my Ipod.

Self cleaning – All the above ideas probably wouldn’t make sense if this feature weren’t included.  And I feel bad for Tide and Maytag and all those people who love doing laundry, but we will be laying you off soon, so just update your resumes.  For all the nothing that clothes do, they are so much work.  We wear them once, we then have to throw them on the floor, then eventually pick them up, then put them to stink next to each other in a laundry basket for a week.  Then we have to sort them, then pre-treat them, then put them in a washer, then put a sheet in with them so they smell like a summer day, then we have to iron them, then fold them, hang them up, wear them once and the cycle starts all over again.  All this for something that barely does anything for us.  I should be able to throw them on the floor and in 10 minutes they are clean and folded for me, so I can re-wear them to an important business meeting.

Nobody has time for this...except my pants.

Nobody has time for this…except my pants.

Do math – I don’t like math and neither do you.  If I want to have a job creating video games, I need to know math.  Or more importantly, my clothes need to know math. So I can do important things like inventing monsters to stalk the victim hero.

We are sick and tired of your crap, clothes.  Stop being such a menace to society, and start stepping up your game.  If not, I’m going to stop wearing you, and nobody wants that.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Clothing Horse Ben

Bitteraffirmations

 

If there is a picture behind it, and quotes somewhere, it must be real.

If there is a picture behind it, and quotes somewhere, it must be real.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of this phenomenon called Facebook, but it’s what they call a Social Network where you and some people you call “friends” become even closer as friends by connecting through a computer box.  Here is what happens.  You go to this website http://www.facebook.com and you fill out all kinds of invasive questions about yourself that would make even a doctor blush, like your name, your home address, your cell phone where you can be reached at all hours of the day, and where you went to freaking high school.  Then Facebook continues to help you feel invaded by asking you share these intimate details with OTHER people.  People that you know.  Like your mom and your dad, your brothers and sisters, and then really close friends, like that one guy you went to high school with.  You know that pipsqueak freshman you made fun of that is now a pro MMA fighter? Yeah, now he wants to be “friends” with you so he can hunt you down and beat the crap out of you.  Luckily, Facebook is perfect in every other way and doesn’t get people wanting to rage quit every other day, because of all the things their friend of a friend of a friend overshares everyday.  It also allows you to add pictures so your friend of a friend of a friend can stalk you and figure out where you were on vacation, so they can rob and plunder your house. All these great things pale in comparison to the best part of Facebook.  You MUST find a friend or 20 that posts Inspirational Quotes 40 times a day, so when you wake up, you can find purpose in your day.  Like a goal…of wanting to hunt them down and tell them to stop posting them.

Just like some people like to live tweet events, (tweeting what they think about the Oscars, or Super Bowl), I’m going to live Facebook some quotes right off my feed this morning.  I’m going to take these quotes and show you how bitter they can easily become. Let’s hope that my lame friends don’t disappoint (don’t worry, they will) and give me the cheesiest of quotes that I can twist around and use to give you some Bitteraffirmations this morning.  I’m sure you won’t thank me later.

Liam Neeson is coming for you.

Liam Neeson is coming for you.

Facebook Quote #1: “Fact: The first person you think of in the morning and the last person you think of at night is either the cause of your happiness or the cause of your pain.”  Bitteraffirmation: Let’s hope that didn’t just see Taken, Taken 2, or Taken 3 right before bed.  Because Liam Neeson doesn’t know who you are, but since you kidnapped his daughter, he wants you to know that he has a particular set of skills…

Facebook Quote #2:”It’s not about who is real to your face.  It’s about who stays real behind your back.”  Bitteraffirmation: What is someone doing behind you, anyways? Are they trying to see what you are up to on your computer? Are they stalking you on the way home? Are they trying to see the worst part of your profile? Stop being sneaky in the back and annoy me to my face…

Facebook Quote #3: Historically, there is a saying in the scientific community, that every great scientific truth goes through three phases. First, people deny it.  Second, they say it conflicts with the Bible. Third, they say they’ve known it all along.” Bitteraffirmation:  Can’t be true, because as we all know, Twitter IS science, and on there, first people say it, second they regret it, and third they move on because, “Squirrel!”

Squirrel

Facebook Quote #4: “It’s not wrong to be upset. It’s not wrong to cry. It’s not wrong to want attention. It’s not even wrong to scream or throw a fit. What is wrong is to keep it all inside.  What is wrong is to blame and punish yourself for simply being human. What is wrong is to never be heard and to be alone in your pain. Share it. Let it out.” Bitteraffirmation: I don’t know who’s mother told them it was okay to throw a fit, but that is not okay.  And who is the chump that ever solved any problems by sharing them with others? Don’t they know that the best way to overcome problems is to sweep them away in the dark recesses of your brain and keep them there until one day you can use them for revenge in the exact moment you need them?

Facebook Quote #5: “My mother always told me if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Bitteraffirmation: Well, you know what your dad would tell you if you were my son or daughter? If you can’t say something nice, make sure you say it behind their back to all their friends and help them lose all credibility.

Facebook Quote #6: “Nothing is permanent in this crazy world, not even your mistakes, failures, or troubles. So laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not be exactly where you had intended to go, but you are precisely where you need to be to take the next best step forward.” First of all, yeah that stain in my shirt is pretty permanent.  I’ve tried oxyclean and not even that could get it out.  Second, I’m not precisely where I need to be to take the next step forward because I’m sitting right now.

My favorite quote of all comes from the Bitter Philosopher Ben’s Fortune Cookie: “If there is any way possible, fake sick and go back to bed.  This is the only way you will enjoy work today. And your unlucky number is 1,7, 21 and 42.”

ARRRRGGHHHH

Bitter Bitteaffirmationalist Ben

 

40 Years of Late Night Shenanigan Bitterness

A gif of My Saturday Night Shenanigans.

A gif of My Saturday Night Shenanigans.

There was a whole lot of things going on in the world this weekend.  First, trending on twitter, people were anticipating my doctor’s appointment, #excusetoleavealittleearly.  FYI, I didn’t die, so I guess things turned out alright. Then, there was that lame game night that was planned for the evening.  You will be bitter to know that I did terribly at Catch Phrase, the 300 piece puzzle went off with lots of hitches, and Chess was a complete failure, because first, they sunk my battleship and second, the timer when off before I could double jump the red king.  Besides, I didn’t have Ron Weasely around to show me how to move my Bishop without getting myself killed.  Finally, there was a really huge event where men and women got together with someone they really cared about.  They got on their best clothing, ordered limos and stayed up late, talked about their love…of comedy.  They talked and laughed and reminisced about the anniversary…the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live.

As you might know I am 41 years old, which means I have watched every single episode of every season of Saturday Night Live and that makes me more qualified to judge how bitter I am that I didn’t get a 3 1/2 hour special for my 40th anniversary of living.  Like Saturday Night Live, I kept people up late at night with my annoying sense of humor and just like Saturday Night Live, I also have a cheesy background. Here are three other ways Saturday Night Live made me bitter.

df

Why is staying awake so hard…

Saturday – Saturday is supposed to a sacred day where I lay around avoiding work, not thinking even more than regular and not having to concentrate on anything new. This was a tradition going all the way back to when I was born. At the age of 1, when I was “expected” to start walking or at least crawling, I was slacking on the couch, watching repeats of Tom And Jerry, and I fell asleep. Like 12 hours later, and I shot up from my nap, as I sensed that something new was invading the television airwaves. I was angry, bitter and appalled that someone dare do something new on a Saturday.

"I ate the knight."

“I ate the knight away.”

Night – Batman claims to be the Dark Knight.  Is it because he fights criminals at night because they have jobs during the day and don’t really like to rob banks and terrorize people during the day? Or is it because his dark costume would look kind of silly during the day? Or is it because his name wouldn’t really be very intimidating if it was the Dark Day?  Or the Bright Knight?  Regardless, I don’t think he can really claim to be the Dark Knight unless he’s been on Saturday Knight Live. Conversely, Saturday Knight Live can’t claim to be the king of late Knight unless they’ve had Batman on.  Until then, I will be the King of Late Nights.  Just too lazy to go to bed.

Why would they say Live on air, when they really mean live on air?

Why would they say Live on air, when they really mean live on air?

Live – Something bothers me about this show.  For 4-0 years, yes that is 4-0 years, they’ve pronounced the word wrong.  For 4-0 years, not one actor, actress, host, comedian, musical guest, writer, camera operator, or show runner could ever say the word right.  It is pronounced live like “Don’t die dude, you need to live!!!!” It’s pretty pathetic that an idiot like myself can somehow pronounce it right when thousands of professionals that get paid thousands of dollars to write and say funny things, yet somehow couldn’t figure out how to say this simplest of words right.  It’s clear I need to be the showrunner for this fact alone.  And also for 4-0 years, they kept forgetting the say live at the end of the opening.  It should be, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Day Night…Live!”

And by the way, Saturday Night Live has been doing things for 40 years on Saturdays.  Now all of a sudden they do their 40th Birthday on Sunday? That’s like me having my birthday on April 9th every year and then all of a sudden when I turn 40 to change it to April 10th.  Doesn’t make any sense, but then when did that show ever make any sense?

Arrrghhhh

Bitter Night Live Ben

 

Rage Quitting Friday Giftures

 

Back in the old days (pre-Benzoic Era 1973) people were polite when they decided that they didn’t want to something anymore.  People would write a nice note to their boss apologizing that they needed a little time off of work from the mines that they worked 18 hours a day 7 days a week.  “My apologies boss, but my family all has the black plague and I was wondering if it would be possible to leave an hour early so I could buy some medicine to give to them and sit up with them for an hour to comfort their terrible pain.  And perhaps, could I get a hay penny raise a month to help pay for some antibiotics to ease they pain just slightly?” The boss would rage at them for even attempting ask for an hour off and for dare asking for a raise when they were lucky to get picked to work in such a glorious dust filled mine.  “Have you seen the Razor Mines? The dust is so much filthier there! Do you know how lucky you are? And they have to work 8 days a week! At least you get to go home to your family for 6 hours a day!” Nowadays, when the boss asks us to do something hard like run a report in excel, there is rage quitting.  And why shouldn’t we?  It is unacceptable that we should have to work in these conditions!

The porridge is too cold…

 

dlkfjsdlf

…not eating it. 

I didn’t do so well in the race…

...

…I give up.

 

 

I can’t take sitting in this chair anymore…

dfdf

…I’m going to go steal someone’s idea and make a megacorporation.

 

I can’t marry this guy…

fdfd

…the heart he made with the 300 Ipads he bought is slightly misshapen.

 

You guys aren’t playing with me enough…

f

..I’m sliding.

 

Obstacles are hard…

dfd

…not doing them. 

 

 

Wait, did you say there was a kitty up there?…

...screw it.

…screw it.

 

I can totally take this old guy….

...annnd I'm out of here.

…annnd I’m out of here.

 

Okay, so you want a little more rage in your quit? 

dfjkljfd

…how does this work for you? 

 

You don’t want to win against this…

...tabletop game hulk.

…tabletop game hulk.

 

Enjoy your birthday this year…

dfdf

…ground. 

 

Sometimes your rage quitting…

...d

…is done by someone else.

 

On another note, it’s Friday the 13th.  And that makes me bitter, because it could have been epic if Valentine’s Day was on the 13th, so every once in a while, there would be this perfect mash up of love and horror happening on the same day.  It is just a shame that the inventor’s of Valentine’s Day (I’m looking at you, Hallmark) didn’t have the foresight to come up with this kind of super bitter combo.  I say we petition Congress to get it changed and we just see what happens next Friday the 13th Valentine’s Day.  What a warped movie that would be for some director.  On that note, I’m rage quitting out of here!

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Rage Quitter Ben

 

 

 

 

February – A Bitter Person’s Dream

There's definitely nothing I can do about it.

So just be bitter about. 

Some people (ie me) can get bitter about anything.  Day or night, cold or hot, east or west, Monday or Friday, April or August.  It’s a talent for some of us, and something I think a lot of people really envy.  I understand your jealousy, but I don’t really care.  There are times of the year when more people are cheery(spring, holidays, etc) and times of the year when more people are bitter(winter, holidays).  But then there is this gloriously bitter time of the year called February.  It is a month so short and yet so varied that it has the ability to make anyone bitter.  To confusingly paraphrase that one person that said that one thing that one time, “February can make some of the people bitter all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, and it can also make all of the people bitter all of the time.”  Got it? Observe…

 Valentine’s Day – Oh yes, there are people that love Valentine’s Day.  Business people that run restaurants, greeting card companies, online dating websites, candy companies, jewelry companies and flowers and balloon factories. Notice I said businesses.  People don’t like Valentine’s Day.  Single people do not love Valentine’s.  They would rather find a date when they wanna find a date, not when some stupid cupid is shooting poisonous arrows.  Married people don’t like it.  They would rather buy flowers when they want to surprise their spouse, not when the stupid cupid tells them they are supposed to.  Babies don’t like valentines, because they would rather a cupid not dress up like them. They are also kind of bitter that the stupid cupid gets wings while they are stuck trying to learn to crawl and walk to get around.  And the weapon.  They baby proof the house for us, but Cupid gets to go around shooting a lethal weapon?

Yes, this baby should be trusted with a lethal weapon.

Yes, this baby should be trusted with a lethal weapon.

The weather  – As an introvert who could care less about what it looks like outside when I spend a majority of the time laying on the couch on the inside, I hate talking about the weather. On the other hand, when it makes other’s bitter, I make an exception to this small talk nightmare.  There’s snow in the east and north, hurricanes and volcanoes in the South and rain in the Northwest. 50 Shades of Grey isn’t a terrible movie coming out from a terrible book that some dude wrote(or is it a lady? Why all the confusing initials?), but a way to describe every day in February in Seattle.

President’s Day – It would be great if somehow, someway we celebrated President’s Day by everyone giving me some Dead President’s.  I mean, it’s supposed to be all about me (the Benjamins) right?  I seem to be severely lacking me’s and that isn’t okay.  And though I get off on President’s Day, I pay for it severely the next day.  Don’t believe me? Read my post from last year around this time.

Football – The one football game that happens in February is the Super Bowl.  Some people are bitter because football is still happening and just want it to be over.  Some people are bitter because the Halftime show sucked.  Some are bitter because the commercials were terrible.  Some are bitter because their team didn’t make it there, or didn’t win.  And those few people that liked the game, loved the commercials, loved the Halftime Show, and their team actually did make it, and won, well they are bitter because what will they do to fill the void next Sunday?  The answer is not the Grammy’s.

Speaking of the Grammy’s – They try to fill the large void that the Super Bowl leaves in it’s wake.  The Grammy’s are kind of like me.  They are trying to be as edgy and cool as the MTV Music awards, but they just look like a dad at a Daddy Daughter Dance.  Trying to relive the good old days and doing the Electric Slide and thinking they are still cool, but end up breathing heavily and regretting ever trying to dance in the first place.  Am I right, Madonna?

The Commercials – The Geico commercials, the Progressive Commercials, the American Family Insurance commercials, the Esurance commercials.  Not sure if the insurance companies of the world are getting together to plan an organized disaster, or they just have so much money, they don’t care how much commercials cost and they are just finding new ways to waste their money. Speaking of money, that guy that keeps yelling at us that he can get our billions back in H & R Block commercials? Still waiting, Bro.  My house is wide open to handle that many bills in whatever form you want to place them.

The Gym – Have you noticed how busy the gym is February? Just kidding. Like I would know what the inside of a gym looked like.  I saw one in a commercial once…

I think this is what they look like...

I think this is what they look like…

I could go on about other things, like Taxes, Finals, Groundhog’s Day, wind, or is that just shortness of breath? Yep, that’s my shortness of breath.  That is me, not going to the gym.  Let me leave you with this thought.  In Harry Potter, they have these Dark Soul things that guard the prisons in the wizarding world.  Called Dementor’s.  J K describes them as feeding off bad memories, but the fact of the matter is that they feed off of February.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter February Ben

 

More than meets the Bitter Eye

Optimus_First

First time on screen transformation.

 

I know this topic is so out of date, that the fantastically bitter people of 2007 are snarling at me, but I think this topic has not had near the attention that the bitter community deserves.  (By the way, a big part of bitterness is reliving the past and all the mistakes you make. So join me on a journey to the bitter past.)  I am a long time Transfan (or Transformers Fan for long).  If you are a worshiper fan of mine on Instagram, first of all, you are one of the few and bitter (If you’re looking for a picturified version of this blog, go follow now).  But second, you would have seen that I posted a picture not long ago of a jacket or coat or whatever the kids are calling them these days, that my wife found.  It has the symbol of the Decepticons, which for the uneducated Transformer non follower is the bad guys.  My head exploded when she showed it to me, and after my wife put my head back on, I tried the jacket on and it fit.  My head exploded again and I almost immediately took a picture and sent it to Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.  Needless to say, I’m a huge fan.  (Don’t worry, there’s some bitterness coming.)

Picture of the alleged jacket.

Picture of the alleged jacket.

In 2007, the Transformers were unleashed to the world in general, and to me specifically, in the form of the coolest movie ever.  What I had only dreamed of happening after the sad demise of the Transformers cartoon after 4 seasons and an animated movie in the late 80’s, was now a real live action special effected Transformers on screen.  When what his name and Megan Fox pan the camera up at a shiny blue Optimus Prime transforming to become a robot for the first time, I had a full grown fangasm.  I got the chills…okay skip all that.

Even though it made a boatload of money, and the first one did okay with the reviewers, the next three got butchered by the critics and people in general.

These are the critics.

These are the people that are writing the critic reviews.

First of all, critics get two bitter thumbs down from me. Critics think they are some action hero walking in the theater in slow motion with two buddies to their sides, with a bomb going off in the background that is going to blow up their enemy, this movie.  A lot of them claim that one of their big problems with the movie is that it is littered with what the industry calls “product placement”.  Yes, their are some real life products in the movie and guess what they aren’t always subtle.  But sometimes movies need a little extra funding to blow up all that stuff.  And by the way, critics, not sure you are the right ones to be talking.  I’m guessing that most of these wanna be filmmakers that couldn’t get a gig doing anything creative, so they turned to criticizing others creative work, probably have websites…that are funded by ads.  Also, not sure if anyone is familiar with the Super Bowl that just happened last week.  You know, everyone’s favorite sport, watched by everyone’s favorite league.  Subtle or not, that game is most famous for its commercials and it product placement everywhere that the game itself.

"I can't stand superlong movies that are just about things blowing up." Critics

“I can’t stand superlong movies that are just about things blowing up.” Critics

Some critics claim they (they like to clump every one of them into one big ball of bitterness) are terrible because they are soooo long.  Most of them were 2 1/2 hours.  Oh my gosh, how could we possibly sit through a movie that long….Yes, critics couldn’t possibly sit that long for movies with explosions like their favorites to name a few, EVERY SINGLE LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIE, EVERY SINGLE HOBBIT MOVIE, Saving Private Ryan, King Kong, Harry Potter, The Dark Knight Rises, Titanic?  Yes, a movie about a boat that blows up, sinks and kills more that 3/4 of the people on the ship including its protagonist, which got thousands of academy awards, is almost an hour longer than any Transformers movie and they can’t handle how long it was.

Some claim the stories was confusing and hard to follow.  Well if they had followed the years of comics, the animated show, and previous movies, and did a little research like critics should do, maybe they would understand a little better.  And by the way, don’t tell me that movies that they have claimed are good are all completely well explained too.  Anyone ever see a little movie called Tree of Life with Brad Pitt? It was long and boring and completely incomprehensible and nominated for Best Picture in 2012.  My eyeballs were gonna spin out of their heads so much that didn’t make sense.  A couple of explosions would have at least kept me from not wanting to go to the doctors in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and erase that movie completely from my brain.

And for all you haters out there who didn’t like them, I assume you didn’t like fun when you were growing up either.  What bitter lessons can you learn than that there is more to you than meets the eye? Or you are a “Robot in Disguise”.  Or that on Fridays you should “Transform and Roll Out”.  Or that critics should shut up?

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Transformater Ben

 

 

Bitter Indecisiveness

Choose something for goodness sake!  Chicken or fish! I don’t know…fish is so terrible and chicken is really good, perhaps I’ll go with…I just don’t know! Do you wanna watch a comedy or drama?  Let me see, should we laugh really hard for an hour and half or sit around bored trying to decide why everyone is so sad? Where do you want to go for vacation? South Dakota or Hawaii?  Hmmm…warm weather, sandy beaches, pineapple tours to be bored at…in warm weather.  But South Dakota has the fresh smell of cow dung.  Dirty snow, black ice and miles and miles of flat grey fields. Whatever should I do?  Who knows? Decisions are so hard.  And thinking is even harder.  Can we just do something else right now? Like staring off into space until the day is over? Thanks, or whatever.

 

Rangers, how do we decide who gets to fight the evil Pig Monster?

fuckyeah3

How about we flip for it?

 

How do we decide who’s driving to the beach?

How about we flip for it?

How about we flip for it?

Let me see…

 

Leg in

Cold or warm? 

 

What should we have for dinner? Hamburgers…

...or Hot Dogs?

…or Hot Dogs?

 

Burn rubber…

...or die?

…or Ride or Die? 

 

Rock, paper, scissor…

dfdf

…or thumb war.

 

Stand here and look like an idiot…

or jump.

…or jump.

 

Who wants to take these guys…

dsfdf

…Supes or Green Lantern?

 

 Stay in tonight….

sdf

…or go out.

 

 Sunny day…

Bright of

or Dark Knight?

 

Pull up for a jumper…

sdf

…or do a spin move?

 

Be happy for other people’s accomplishments…

 

dfdf

…or bitter because they won.

 

 

Go on and on forever? Or just put this post out of its misery.  I just don’t know what to do. Either way, in the end, we both lose.

ARRRRGGHHHH

Bitter Indecisive, hmm what nickname should I use, I just don’t know Ben

 

 

 

 

Bitter Daymares

k

More like lazy the night! 

The other night, I was asked to perform the husbandly task of moving a box of something that was placed somewhere inside to a location outside.  When it comes to being useful around the house (or anywhere for that matter) I am the Wally from Dilbert fame.  I stealth in and out of situations be make myself less useful. But, on a scale of 1 to UGH I Don’t Want To Do That, this task ranked as a 1.  Not having to think, just being the “muscle” and then looking good because “I helped”.  Anyways, as per normal, I forgot to do the task, until I was reminded (like almost all the things I do).  By the time I got the first reminder, it had turned dark outside.

Luckily, one of the few things I’m not afraid of is the dark, except in some extreme cases, like when a hoard of demons is outside my house or there is a werewolf convention in town and the main menu is Bitter Ben Cold Cuts.  So I walked outside with my flashlight to carry the very valuable storage bins filled with dust particles and really old bricks to the shed.  When I flashed my light underneath the trampoline, I noticed a set of eyes and immediately thought it was one of the aforementioned wolves from the werewolf convention.  Unfortunately for everyone else, but fortunately for me, it was only a dog who was skulking around in the dark, probably looking for his so called “dog friends” who were going to take him clubbing, but ditched him when they saw a bunch of female dogs. He ended up moping off, so I decided that I was gonna check and see if there were other members of the dog family traipsing about, when what appeared in a clearing of trees….A BUNNY RABBIT!!! IT’S GONNA EAT MY FACE OFF!  Never mind.  This isn’t a Monty Python movie.  I finished up putting the bins away and came inside.

carpe noctem

Go get lazy!

 

Even after all that, I’m still not afraid of the dark.  When I sleep, not only do I not want a night light, but I try to cover my whole face so light doesn’t get into my vision holes, because if I see light or even sense it, I’m awake.  What I do fear, is the daytime.

In the daytime, I have responsibilities.  In the daytime, I have a job and traffic to get to that job.  In the daytime, I go grocery shopping.  In the daytime, people go to school.  In the daytime, people go hiking, biking, rollerskating, running, skipping, and smiling. In the daytime, people fix stuff, and do yardwork, and interact with other humans, face deadlines, fax, email, blog, tweet, post, facebook, instagram, and pinterest.  Most people have hope when they wake up in the morning.  Me, I have hope for a bitter day…at night.

Tomorrow I will do something, tomorrow I will get a raise, tomorrow I will learn how to spell rhythm without Google.  Tomorrow, I will invent Google.  Tomorrow, I will start a Bitter Empire where all the world’s greatest products will be sold on my website and will be magically distributed to all mailboxes in America.  There will be a Bitter T-shirt on every Chinese person in China saying Made In My House, Seattle, USA.

I’ve never written a better post in the morning than I imagined at night.  All my great ideas come in the nighttime.  I never want to go to sleep at night, because when I fall asleep, all my great ideas get stolen by brain gremlins.  When I wake up in the morning, it’s UGGGHHH.  NNNNGGGG and Neeeoooohhh!  The house is cold.  I don’t want to wake up.  My great ideas are being robbed by the brain gremlins and I need to go back to sleep so I can steal my ideas back.  My ambitions, and energies and motivations are right there in the dream.  And this annoying alarm won’t stop annoying me, when it can clearly see I’m busy.  I’m trying to beat the gremlin.

Nahh. I think I'll stay right here.

Nahh. I think I’ll stay right here.

How can daytime be good when it takes a monumental effort to pull myself up?  Last night when I was on the couch, it didn’t take this long.  But in the daytime, it requires all kinds of energy. It might take a shower, or food, or coffee or energy drinks(none of which I take.  Well I do shower and eat sometimes.) But none of them are fun in the morning.

When I am playing video games, or watching TV during the daytime, I’m considered lazy.  When I play them at night, I’m just winding down, relaxing from a hard day.  When I eat all kinds of garbage during the day, I’m a glutton.  When I eat them at night, I’m just “getting a midnight snack”.

Nighttime doesn’t expect you to be productive. But daytime is like your grandma grabbing you by the ear and dragging into the bathroom and making you wash behind your ears. Daytime is the military waking you up at 5 am, shining a bright flashlight in your face, calling you a maggot and telling you to run 5 miles.  Daytime splashes a bright light on all your dreams.  The wet blanket.  The party pooper. The one that asks you to work ALL. DAY. LONG.  Come back defeated.  Nighttime brings you a comfy robe, and slippers, gets you the newspaper, brings you a danish and some warm milk and lays you down on a nice couch.  Then you drift off with your Big Ideas.  Nightmares.  Pssshhh.

Waking up.  Now that is a Bitter Daymere.

ARRRRGGHHHHH

Bitter Daymere Ben

Groundhog’s bitterness

Winter

This winter, just like your Monday and this Gifture, will never end.

Some of you who were born before Bill Murray’s Groundhog’s Day movie came out in 1993 won’t recall this, but before then, Groundhog’s day was not known as a day that repeats itself, but a day that was famous for a rodent.  Kind of like Disneyland.

Let’s be honest. When’s the last time the hog saw his shadow (I had to look up which one predicted spring started right away, because I didn’t know, just like you) and predicted that spring started right away? And for goodness sake’s even if he did, I don’t know if you have ever checked a calendar, but spring doesn’t start until Middle of March.  Unless you live in Arizona or Australia or something.  But if you live in the north, (north US, or Canada, or Alaska, or the North Pole or something) good luck having the snow melt before Mid April.

To me, Groundhog’s is a day dedicated to fighting change. This post is dedicated to those that don’t innovate, they sameinate.

One more time?

One more time?

Here’s to Tom Cruise and Renee Zellwegger in Jerry Macguire. If you haven’t had a chance to see this movie, go do it…sometime.  I don’t care when.  A month, a year from now.  You may have to snag a copy from some old guy because this was the era before DVD.   You might have to catch it on TNT Classics.  Regardless, at the time it came out, it was a big deal.  Tom Cruise was actually getting some Oscar talk.  Forget about the plot.  All I know, is that in this movie, Tom Cruise, Renee Zellwegger and Cuba Gooding Jr. repeated lines ALL. THE. TIME.  Just off the top of my head, “Who’s coming with me? Whooo’s coming with me?”  Cuba, “Show me money.  Show me the Moneeeeyyy!”  Tom, “We had a big night. A very big night.”  Renee: “You had me at hello.  You had me at hello.”  Did the script writer have a broken typewriter?  Did they do multiple takes and forget to edit out lines? Did they think we just needed every big line repeated over and over again? Why innovate, when repeating the lines make your movie longer?

To you, blogger that writes about the same thing..all. the. time.

To you, blogger that writes about the same thing..all. the. time.

Raise a glass of water for this blog.  I know you are probably sick of hearing the word bitter over and over again. Trust me, my family sure is.  Every time they hear that word on television, movies, radio, at the grocery store, on other blogs, or even at the grocery store, they look at me and say, “Dad it’s your word again.”  I get that they are sick of it.  The same themes are being used over and over again too.  For instance, I was looking through my year end stats and noticed that every single Friday for the whole year, I did a post on Friday, except for one.  The Friday after Christmas.  I was feeling lazy.  But did you know that every single Friday, I do Giftures? You don’t have to be a lifelong follower to know that. You don’t have to be a genius to notice things that recur around here, all the time.  Sorry, not really sorry.

To the gif that keeps on giffing.

To the gif that keeps on giffing.

Have a nice warm glass of sameness, Giftures. Speaking of my recurring post on Fridays, I always use gifs.  And you know what repeats more that Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire? Giftures.  In fact, why don’t you go take a look at a post I did a year ago.  Pick a Friday. Any Friday.  Pick a gifture, any gifture.  It was a whole year ago.  And yet, your favorite gifture, still repeating over and over again.  That person’s pain happening for you to stare at over and over again to contemplate how stupid they are for doing what they just did.  How come I’m not lucky enough to have some stupid I did happen over and over again on the internet.  I need to get out there and do something stupid in front of a camera.

To Mario, for doing the same thing for 25 years.  Just like me.

To Mario, for doing the same thing for 25 years. Just like me.

Here’s to sameovation, Nintendo. Nintendo is dedicated to making money from the same sources over and over again.  Make a change? Not gonna happen.  Me and games go way back.  I got my first Atari way in like 1979 or 1980.  I loved games way before they were cool.  Anyways, I remember playing Super Mario Bros at the arcade, spending quarter after quarter, trying to extend how far I could get with three lives (ironically I still don’t have any life). When I saw that Nintendo was coming out with a console that played that Mario Bros. game exactly like it was at the arcade, I couldn’t believe it.  I convinced my parents to buy it somehow and I couldn’t believe that it actually played just like it did in the arcade.  Then Zelda(Link actually), Metroid and Pokemon came out.  They were all popular beyond belief.  So, of course, just like in the movies, when something is popular, you make a sequel.  And Nintendo kept getting better at making them, but the just kept doing it. Over and over and still to this day, they pretty much bank on Mario, Zelda, Metroid and Pokemon games.  They never make anything new.  They fought change. And look where it has them today.  A company known for a plumber.

Act like a groundhog today, My job – Come in the same time every day.  Clock in at the same time.  Eat lunch at the same time every day.  Do the same credits, talk to the same people on the phone, complain about the same people that I talk on the phone with every day.  Complain about stuff on my blog, and twitter and Facebook and Instagram.  Throw shade at the same people that annoy me everyday.  Leave work early for a “doctor’s appointment” every day.  Get a new gray hare every day.  (These dang grey rabbits are starting to get annoying.)

Change is for suckers.  Every once in a while, someone comes along and tries to innovate, like Thomas Edison with electricity or Mark Zuckerberg with Facebook, or Al Gore with the internet.  But really? Were those things that great?  Electricity is so undependable, that as soon as the wind gets a little strong and some wires are knocked out, we lose it.  Facebook is just another way for people to complain and reconnect with people from high school that they really didn’t want to reconnect with in the first place.  And Al Gore? He invented the internet, but couldn’t even use it to beat George Bush in an election or figure out how to stop global warming? Why invent something if you can’t even use it to solve one of your problems? And the inventors of dating websites are losing their “potential mates” to other people using their dating sites.  Innovation is for suckers.  Just live your life like it’s Groundhog’s Day.

I say have an awkward fist bump with sameness. All these motivation speakers say, “Embrace change.” Well, guess what. I’m not a hugger.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Bitter Ben

How to Have a Super Bitter Bowl

Let's burn stuff, because we won! Or because we lost! Or because the grass is too green!

Let’s burn stuff, because we won! Or because we lost! Or because the grass is too green!

Hello from Seattle, where in a days time, the whole city will be rioting. Either because the Seahawks won the Super Bowl, or because they didn’t.  Or they because the grass is too green in the downtown parks or because the mandatory 5th break per hour isn’t being honored by the union, or because some decrepit bridge is being knocked down.  There are no shortage of people with nothing to do and no shortage or “causes” in Seattle for these people to be fake outraged by.  There will be a riot tomorrow night and I will not be there to cover it, like the ever vigilant bitter person.  Though I should probably fight for my bitter rights someday, I’ve never been overly motivated to riot because it is sooo much work.

Live from the one city in Guardians of the Galaxy, the Super Bowl!

Live from that one city in Guardians of the Galaxy, the Super Bowl!

Regardless of your allegiances, rooting or non rooting, tomorrow, about 50 billion citizens from the earth, Mercury, Mars, the Sun and from that planet that was in Guardians of the Galaxy will be watching the NFL at its dysfunctional best.  Roger Goodell (or Roger Badell as he should be called) will be there screwing things up as per usual, Marshawn Lynch will be there talking up a storm to the media and Patriots will be skulking around trying to cheat at something else that won’t make any difference in the end.  By virtue of the results of the game, the halftime show, the commercials or some other thing, there’s gonna be some bitterness, but for me that isn’t enough.  I want all the people to be bitter.  So, here are some ways for you to have a Super Bitter Bowl.

Football fan next to commercial fan.  Extravert next to introvert.

Football fan next to commercial fan. Extravert next to introvert.

At the party

Just like at a wedding, seating charts are critical.  You will want to put fan next to non fan. Introvert next to extravert.  Commercial/Halftime fans next to football junkies.  Single people next to kids.  Dog fan next to cat fans.  Seahawk fans next to Patriot fans.  Awkwardness should be key.  Do whatever it takes for these people next to each other.  Guilt, family loyalty, or any other kind of fake emotion to keep them together and bitter.  For instance: put Super Fan Girl that is wearing painted face(not make up, but completely painted in team colors face), jersey, foam finger, hat, head to toe, with her fantasy stats and the bets riding on the game, right next to guy that just wants to text his buddy about their accounting conference the whole time and is always asking what a why the quarterback is always throwing to a cornerback.  Aren’t they the same thing?

Food.  Make sure that you invite the couples that are divided on these things and bring the football fan to the kitchen as much as possible.  Just when they get comfy and in a groove, and you sense a big play is happening, make sure you ask them how the food is supposed to be used, and request assistance on its preparation, the heat it needs to be at, how to keep it warmer or cooler, spices needed, anything to distract them from having any sort of consistent ability to watch the game.

Nothing brings people apart like losing money for something stupid someone else does.

Nothing brings people apart like losing money for something stupid someone else does.

Start a prop betting pool.  For those people that aren’t familiar with prop bets(like I wasn’t until a few days ago), it is betting that has barely anything to do with the game, such as how many outfit changes the halftime entertainment will have to how many times the commentators will mention deflated balls.  Make sure people are placing their bets when the game is getting intense and then claim that under duress they chose whatever was wrong and they owe you money.

I can't wait to get the 4K Ultra HD television next year.

I can’t wait to get the 4K Ultra HD television next year.

Technology problems.  Make sure your house is stocked with technology that will “accidentally” have glitches.  Make sure to constantly pepper your guests with constant barrages of how cool the Super Bowl will look on your stunning 4K Ultra High Def 70 inch television with 7.0 dolby surround sound and with a DVR to rewind plays and watch commercials over that were awesome.  Then when they arrive, excited to see the new TV, mention that it will definitely be awesome to watch it on that TV set up that you mentioned next year.  But the black and white TV with the loose antenna is pretty awesome huh?

Who will win? Whoever wins, it isn't you.

Who will win? Let’s just say, it’s not you. 

The Battle for the Remote Control.  Forget to mention the hierarchy in your house when it comes to the remote control.  As I have mentioned before, in our house it goes, Wife, Son, Daughter, Visitor, random stranger, fictional characters, aliens from the sun, other people’s kids, neighbors dogs, China, and then four spots after that, me.  All we have to do is get through my wife’s Fix-Em-Up shows, my son’s The Amazing World of Gumball marathon, my daughter to waive her rights, then since you are visitor, you would get to go through your family hierarchy and the remote is yours.  If you can figure out how to use it to get to the Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl brings people together like no other event and it’s your opportunity to create the riot that you have always dreamed of. Don’t let this bittertunity pass you by.  Bitterest of luck to you.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Ballertunity Ben

Bitter Abandonment Giftures

Abandon hope all ye that read stuff on here.  Just like my writing skills have abandoned me this week, so should you abandon your desks and workstations and computers and find bitterness in your cars, trains, planes, moped, skiis, snowboards, apparating or Time Machine Deloreans.  Go home and grab some chips, soda, bar-b-q sauce, wings, pizza, salsa, and heart burn medicine and fire up your Xbox or Playstation, or Nintendo, your 3DS, your television and then sit down and observe the Giftures that will make you want to SYH(smash your head) and abandon all hope.

 

 

Are you even…

dsfdf

…flipping kidding me?

 

Wait, wait…

 

...hang on.

…hang on!

 

 

Should we go to Target…

dfdf

…nailed it. 

 

We gotta… 

dfdfs

…ramp things up this weekend.

 

Instead of things…

////

….escalating quickly. 

 

 

Quit…

 

1236956055_jumping-fail

…jumping to conclusions.

 

 

 

Quit…

...leaving your legos everywhere.

…leaving your legos everywhere.

 

Let us realize…

sdfdf

…that there is bearly any glass between us. 

 

Let us realize that juggling all these responsibilities…

will just lead to disaster.

…will just lead to disaster.

Instead of…

 

dfdf

…flying off the handle…

 

Let’s get lazy….

dfsdff

…up in here.

 

 

And face the fact…

..that even Morgan Freeman is giving up.

..that even Morgan Freeman is giving up.

 

Alright.  Out.

ARRRGGHHHH

Bitter Abandoning the Blog Ben

Bitter Modes

 

That's me.  The confused looking one.

That’s me. The confused looking one.

Some people probably think that I am a robot programmed for the one dimensional purpose of being bitter.  Part of that is true.  I am a robot.  And I am programmed for bitterness.  But, there are actually many different subtle dimensions to my bitterness. I am programmed to behave differently in the traffic environment than I am the work environment.  Sometimes I am programmed to use bitter humor and sarcasm to get my point across, whereas other times I am supposed to use my facial expressions.  Sometimes my social awkwardness program pushes my bitter agenda, other times its my blatant bad grammar or heavy anger chip takes over as the dominant programming.  In other words, just like with any gadget, like the smartphone, there are multiple uses.  Like did you know that smartphones in addition to texting, facebooking, tweeting, instagramming and pinteresting also have a little used and almost hidden feature called a phone app, which allows you to make a phone call?  I know, there isn’t much use for something like that, but it is always there if you had to make a call in case text was down.

Here are some of the different bitter modes in my programming:

This is the one that you are looking for.

Whatever you do, don’t hit the difficult mode button. 

Easy mode – If video games companies are smart, and want to expand their really wide fan base of 18 year old white males that live in their basements to the mainstream 19 year old white males that live in their basements, they should incorporate a feature called easy mode.  They know that this mode would never be chosen in front of another gamer, but given the chance to be a character that was barely able to defeat the end boss, to totally dominating it demi-god style, some gamers would secretly want the easy button.  Just like that gamer, I have chosen the easy mode button that allows me to slide easily on a couch to eat pizza.  I sure hope no one ever discovers my really difficult mode button.  Because that would lead people to my…

Exercise mode – This mode makes me lose valuable parts that I need for cushoning accidental falls.  It would keep pizza and other enjoyable tasting foods from partying in my cool stomach module and it would cause this super salty and wet material to appear.  I don’t know if you know this about robots, but water and our metallic parts don’t mix well and that makes rust.  We don’t want me to rust do we?  Don’t ever turn on difficult mode.

Beat Box Mode –  This is a mode that helps me avoid people.  It’s quite simple actually.  Someone asks me a question that I don’t want to answer and I am programmed to start beat boxing.  Then, the victim person is forced to decide.  Do I start dancing along with his sick beat boxing beats? Or do I walk slowly away so no one sees me with this borderline sociorobot with his beat boxian tendencies? It’s gonna either be really awkward for both of us, or a situation avoided.  And I’m banking on the fact that most people will think that my beat boxing, while kind of cool in the 80’s/90’s but not quite ready for its comeback.

Stealth mode activated.

Stealth mode activated.

Stealth Mode – This is an important mode for anytime hard work is assigned.  It could be at work, or at home or whenever math is detected anywhere in the vicinity.  You would think that math would have been one of my first programs but they were running out of hard drive space with all the bitter programming so there was no room for math or a happiness chip. The stealth mode also works when blame assignments are nearby.  Once detected, I am programmed to either call in sick, blend into cubicle walls, or go into invisible mode.

Mode of Transportation –  Notice I didn’t say teleport.  Nope. Transport.  They only programmed me with a key to a specific car that doesn’t have four wheel drive, doesn’t have wheels that lift me over traffic, doesn’t have windows that roll down with a button, or doors that unlock with a button and one that only goes as fast as other cars.  And they didn’t even have enough programming to make ME into a car that can avoid traffic.

Beast Mode –  This mode isn’t nearing as cool as you would think.  It doesn’t give me the ability become an actual beast that tear people up, or allow me to run for earth shattering touchdowns.  All this one allows me to do is during an interview at a podium, repeat the same phrase over and over again.  Like for instance, “I’m only here so I don’t get fined.” or “You know why I’m here.”

For some reason, people's favorite extra feature.

For some reason, people’s favorite extra feature.

A la Mode – This one allows me to add a scoop of ice cream, usually cookies and cream to any kind of cake, brownie, bagel, pizza or pie.

My easy button only allows me so many words and my battery is running low.  I need to go recharge just enough for eight hours of sitting.  Besides, when I get paid, I’m going to go buy a new video game chip that gives me mad skillz. That’s how you humans say it right?

I am programmed to now say, “AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH”

Bitter Beat Box Ben

 

Bitter Bandwagon Ben

 

W

Welcome to the land of depression and bitterness!

You might know that I live in Seattle.  Now you might be thinking I’m gonna humblebrag about the fact that the Seattle Seahawks are in the Super Bowl for the second year in a row, and how I’ve been the biggest fan for life.  And you’d be wrong.  About five years ago, Seattle was one of the most pathetic, bitter sports town you could ever imagine.  The Mariner’s were about as bad as you could imagine, the Seahawks sucked, the Washington Huskies had a season where they went 0-12 and didn’t fire the coach until after the season.  Worst of all, they lost the Seattle Supersonics completely by way of subterfuge, lying, backstabbing and a bunch of politicians that tried save them way too late.  This town, who drinks coffee for a living, and could get umbrellas permanently attached to their heads, was in the deepest part of sports depression.  They were even comparing us to Cleveland in terms of sports.  Then, about three years ago, the Seahawks were good and we gained hundreds of thousands of “die hard” fans for lyfe, yo!

Just joking.  There are a few die hard fans that liked them when they sucked, but for the most part, the Bandwagon started when the Seahawks became good.  Just like when the Mariner’s won 116 games back in 2001.  Guess what though? In the years since, when they started losing more and more, the Bandwagoners left to leach onto whatever winning team was around.  In sports, if you do that you are a pariah to the “loyal” sportsfan.  But guess what, we are all Bandwagoners in some way.  And if you claim you aren’t, then you also believe that Brady when he said, “I feel like I’ve always played within the rules.”  None of us “has always played within the rules.”  If you have, I have some Super Bowl tickets for sale.  I am a bandwagoner in just about every way.  Don’t believe me? Let me just sight a few examples.

The key to being the most popular house in the land to birds.

The key to being the most popular house in the land to birds.

My wife got a bell shaped bird feeder and put it up outside our kitchen window. We observed out the window.  All of a sudden, our backyard was the most popular yard in the land.  Birds from all over were coming to visit OUR house. They were lining up in the tree to see how cool we were.  To be our “loyal” friends, to dine in our fine restaurant of seeds where they didn’t have to fend for themselves.  All of a sudden, they were fighting over us, wanting Bitter Ben Jersey’s and hats, and calendars and clocks.  But the bell shaped glob of seeds became cone shaped, and eventually became no shape.  Just a stick, dry and invisible and completely non existent. Wanna guess what happened to “loyal” Bitter Ben fans? I can’t tell you, because I haven’t seen any of them since.

I’ve been a Spurs fan since the late 80’s.  You’re probably going to say, “Wow! That guy is super loyal and a die hard fan!” Wellll, not so fast there slick.  First of all, the first season I started following them, David Robinson was a rookie and probably the best franchise player to come to a team since Michael Jordan.  Since then, the Spurs have won 47 games(other than in strike years) in every season but one.  That would be the 1996-97 season where they lost David Robinson for the season and 3 other starters for most of the season.  And because of that, they got another franchise guy named Tim Duncan.  And guess what season I barely watched basketball at all? Yep. Even though I am a fan, when they faltered, so did I.  And the season they go into the tank again.  Probably the season I buy the least amount of merchandise.

NIKE for Lyfe...until now.

NIKE for Lyfe…until now.

How brand loyal are you? Love your Nike’s? I bet you do.  Until you get one dud pair that you broke your foot in. All of a sudden Reebok’s aren’t the worst idea in the world.  Any huge Nintendo fans out there?  I was…for years and years.  Until I recognized a pattern of them putting out the same three games with the same three characters over and over again and I kept wanting games on those “other” consoles.

Apple products and you will never be separated right? Until your laptop breaks down and your Ipod stops working and your Time Machine stops sending you to the future.  Favorite actor of all time? Well Jim Carrey of course.  Until he starts making dud after dud.  Well, aaaalrighty then.  I think I’m finding a new favorite.

This blog or any blog for that matter isn’t immune either.  I notice when my stuff sucks, the audience goes elsewhere.  And honestly, I don’t blame them.  I might tire of my stuff after a while and go see the latest and greatest new blog that looks fancier and writes with more peanuts (or is it panache. I can’t remember?) It’s what we do.  We are all bandwagoners.  If you think you aren’t, just wait until your “favorite” thing, disappoints you.  It may not be on everything, but it will be something.

So here’s a hint.  If this blog sucks, go find a new one.  If all the teams in your city are terrible, move to a different city.  If lifelong fans start making fun of you for being a bandwagon fan, start a bitter argument with them.  Tell them that they weren’t exactly yelling it up when their team was 0-16.  Tell them that when the bird food was gone, so were they.  Tell them that they left their company when it was going in the tank.  Tell them that maybe Jack was loyal to his girlfriend of a few days on the Titanic, but he ended up freezing while she came out looking like a Rose with a freaking blue diamond.

Call me a bandwagoner.  I don’t care.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter

Bitter Sell Out Giftures

It’s Friday, which means we can start talking about what makes us bitter through little moving pictures.  As you might now, the Super Bowl is coming up.  I guess I could avoid this thing that is annoying me by just turning the station, but in the last week, I think I’ve only heard like zero seconds worth of commercials not about tickets to the Super Bowl.  I don’t know if these ticket selling people know this already, but the highest seats in the house (known as where I always sit if I go to a game) cost about $3000.  And out of the 60,000 seats or so that are available, about 50,000 are taken by the media, friends and entourage of the players, and dignitaries and actors who are abusing their power to get a free ticket.  That leaves approximately 2 open seats if my math is correct.  Who exactly are they marketing these seats to? The two people that already took the remaining seats? Unless someone wins a ticket from the Betty Crocker’s make your best Deflated Football cake to win tickets to the Super Bowl (get the marketing tie in, bowl?) the stadium is sold out.  Just like I would sell this blog’s integrity out if anyone ever offered me any kind of money. Here is some Friday Gifture Bitter Sellouts:

 

Someone from Rayban told this all he had to do was wear sunglasses all day…

...

…and they’d pay him and he’s like, “Oakley”

 

“I don’t wanna play with her!” “I’ll give you five dollars if you play with her…

...

…”Get in, girl. We’re driftin…”

 

“Mom, I’m not wrestling that kid. He’s so weird…” I’ll pay you after the match.”

sdf

…How long do you want me to drag him?

 

“No way I’m riding that thing.” “I’ll pay you 10 bucks.”

sdfdf

“So grab right here then?”

 

“Are you afraid of snakes?” “Nah.” 

d

“How about lizards?”

 

“Bro, all you gotta do is ride on that log and I’ll give you the bike..”

dsf

“Did it.  In you face…mmmgngn.”

 

“If you can score a goal on this guy, I’ll give you a million bucks.”

d

“GOOOOOAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!”

 

“Dude, all you have to do is jump off this short ramp…

dfd

…off this Grand Canyon.”

 

“I know he’s your best man, but I’ll give you $100….

...

…if you nail him with the cork.”

 

“Dude, you just won the lottery…

d

…oh wait whoops.  One number off.”

 

Did you say you bet your house on that horse to win the Triple Crown…

...

…you might wanna leave town.

 

Imana just go…

...

…lay in my tent. 

 

Speaking of selling out..I know some of you haven’t voted for me to get second place in this made up popularity contest called the 2015 Blog Award thingy.  Now I’m going to blatantly ask for you to vote for me. You can vote for me here, under the Bitterest Blog of the Year and Least Humorous category.  I’ll totally let you swim in my Scrouge McDuck vault of pennies. And I won’t tell anyone that you voted for your own blog either. Come on.  Be a sellout, just like the rest of us.  Everyone is doing it.

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Sellout Ben

 

Bitter Combo’s

Bitter Combinations

We go together like Soda and Chocolate.

I’ve played video games my whole life.  Sure the graphics were kind of cloudy in the beginning, but that’s because my bitter vision hadn’t quite developed as well as my lungs did that first day.  I remember doing a lot of screaming that day, but it was mostly because I couldn’t even get past the first level of Mario Bros.  I got a bitter look or two from my parents because they thought I could have been doing something more productive things like pooping or eating.   With a lot of practice I got a lot better at being lazy, and figuring out cheat codes so I didn’t have to try so hard to get past the final bosses.  Fighting games were never my favorite, because while I could easily defeat an opponent by hitting random buttons. I could never do the cool combo’s like ripping off someone’s spine or saying “Get over here!” because I wasn’t good at figuring out the combo’s.  To me, there are good combo’s like like Pizza and Friday’s or Me and naps.  But there are a lot of other combo’s that bring bitterness to a whole new level(Get it? Video games? Level?).

Bad Combo.

Bad Combo.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and time – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have long claimed that they are this magical combo that happened when someone was chowing down on a Hershey’s Bar and another person was eating like a pig out of their peanut butter jar and somehow they collided.  Yes, two people happen to always be so oblivious to each other that they just happen to run into each other with their chocolate and peanut butter.  Regardless of the legend, some people think they taste good together.  I happen to be one of those people…when they are new and fresh and not a month old.  If you ever happen to get some Easter ones for Halloween, DO NOT PROCEED TO EAT THEM.  The peanut butter is all sad and the chocolate is all crumbly and the only positive thing they do together is give you heartburn.  And the only positive thing about heartburn is it helps you forget about your real problems for a little bit, until it wears off and you are reminded about how bitter you are.

See what Reese's start to look like when you wait too long?

See what Reese’s start to look like when you wait too long?

Introverts and Parties – Parties love people to be the life of them.  They love people to start them.  They love loud boisterous talking, out of controlness and music played so loudly that your neighbors come over to yell at you so they can secretly envy you.  They want houses to be destroyed and lives to be ruined all for the sake of it being a cool one.  As soon as an introvert steps on the premises, Party senses itself slowly dying.  Noo!!! They will sit in a corner eating curds and whey! No, they will find the nearest couch to sit on, the closest person to ignore, the smallest talk to avoid.  They want no part of the party and they will do everything in the world to avoid it.  Party will try to entice introvert in by inviting one possible acquaintance that they might feel comfortable with talking to, only to pull the acquaintance into something else.  Party wants introvert gone.  Introvert wants to leave party and be its pooper.  But they are stuck with each other until introverts extrovert finally decides to leave because the only people they can annoy is all the introverted party poopers left.

Get out my hamster ball!

Get out my hamster ball!

Chicago Cubs and World Series –  They just don’t get together much.  It might be because of the whole “we won’t play at night because we can’t afford lights” or it could be that they won’t cut the ivy off the walls back there, or because they were waiting for the 2015 prediction from Back to the Future to come true, but they just seem to despise each other.  The Cubs must have done something really mean to the World Series to have let the Florida Marlins to come and play in it twice despite only being in their early 20’s.  Perhaps it was a woman or a business deal gone wrong or the fact that the Cubs still have grown into a full grown Bear(or Lion or whatever it’s supposed to grow up to be) despite the fact that it is over 100 years old.  I guess they just don’t see eye to claw.

Don't worry, no one living has met a Cubs world series either.

Don’t worry, no one living has met a Cubs world series either.

Phones and Me – I’m still pretty upset that Alexander Graham Bell worked so hard on this invention.  He didn’t think about the fact that people don’t like to talk other people would be forced to hold this device up to their ears and mouth and talk to someone they couldn’t see?  Why would he think I would ever want to stare at a wall and talk to someone that is falling asleep 1000’s of miles away?  Why would he think I would want to listen to someone drone on about their problems to me on a device that alerts me with a loud Pavlov dog like ring that can give someone a heart attack?  Why would he invent something that is the least used app on the smartphone and one that almost no one uses?  Why would he invent something that is associated with rejection (girls rejecting me for dates, jobs rejecting me from getting them, me rejecting telemarketers).  Why didn’t he just invent texting? Then we could have skipped the whole hearing of other people’s voices.  And I’m sure he would be pretty sad that he invented this whole phone thing, just so that in 2015, the only use for it is telemarketing.

And the next day.

And the next day.

Wind and Snow –  Wind is a tricky little devil.  Sometimes it hangs out in tropical locations, slowly whispering sweet nothings in people’s ears, causing them to be so thankful for its gentleness as they relax in the sun near a beach.  It will blow the water and make waves for the happy little island adventurers.  Then it gets a little too enthusiastic and a little wired and all of a sudden, it’s knocking down wires.  Pushing trees in the road, knocking out my electricity, turning umbrellas inside out, blowing hats off of unsuspecting hat wearing people, and rattling even cars and houses. Snow is also a tricky devil.  When it first comes along, it likes to show up on a nice holiday weekend, causing joyous holiday revelers to jump with excitement at its light, white fluffy marshmellow looking puffiness.  Then, when it settles in for the winter, it likes to stay.  It builds drifts and forts and then it turns different colors, black and yellow and sometimes even grey.  It’s not happy only hanging out on the top of mountains and at ski resorts.  It likes to ruin roads, and vacations and tree branches.  Then wind gets jealous and blows snow around.  And all their confrontation causes cold and bitter and accidents and power outages and misery.

I will have nun of this!

I will have nun of this!

My Wallet and anything I need at the time – My wallet is full.  It has some little bills with ones on it, and credit cards, gift cards, library cards, Regal Cinemas cards, Costco and Sam’s Club cards, Red Robins cards, and Albertson’s and Safeway Cards and medical cards, and movie tickets from movie seen 8 months ago, and even a driver’s license.  It is stacked to the gills with things I might need “just in case”.  What it doesn’t ever have is the thing I need right now.  Need my target card? Just took it out yesterday.  Need my driver’s license? Gave it to a clerk and forgot to get it back.  Need that free movie ticket that is expiring tomorrow? Left in the drawer when the wallet got cleaned out.  Need to pay $1 million dollars in cash for your dream home that is about to be sold to your bitter rival? Only butterflies coming out of the old wallet.

And I will be able to float out of Bitter Ben's wallet.

And I will be able to float out of Bitter Ben’s wallet.

 

My blog and good endings.   

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Combos Ben

 

 

Bittermunity

Yes, it's me.  Your least favorite blogger.

Yes, it’s me. Your least favorite blogger.

Wanna know why I’m your least favorite blogger?  Because I’m around.  ALLLL the time.  I’m clogging up valuable space on the internet that you could be using for trees, or pictures of your kids, or YouTube.  All day on YouTube and the video would move so much faster, if it wasn’t for this guy that has been writing posts and posting gifs for almost 3 years.  With almost 6000 followers (I don’t count Facebook and Twitter because I know those people), their readers and emails are being flooded with a new post about every other day.  And if last year(2014 for those of you who are just joining us via time machine) was any indication, according to WordPress, I posted on every single Friday, except the day after Christmas (I’m so not sorry about it either). Point being (do I ever have one?) that I am scarily consistent with some things.

In my bitter career, I’ve learned almost nothing, except for this.  Bitterness builds a strong fortress around you.  It keeps away those sunny dispositioners. It keeps away those curiositers, and the ne’er do wells, and the try to pass their work to me’s.  It keeps the gossipers, the wanna be comedians, and the only wanna talk about the weather’ers away from me.  Most of all, it keeps the sick people away from me.  This has provided a strong, deep down protection not only from having to be social, but protection to my immunity system.  If you ever did meet one of my co-workers, they could spend a month telling you of the misery associated with having to work near me, but universally they would tell you one thing.  “That dude never gets sick.  Well, he might be sick in many ways, including a cold, or a flu or nausea, but he will never call in sick.” That may be an opinion, but it is also an indisputable fact as well.  In the 13 years I’ve worked for the place I do, I’ve called in sick twice, and one time I showed up and left early only because I was puking when I got there.  When I told my boss I had to leave, she thought I was joking and told me to get back to work.  That is a fact.

This is my Bittermunity.

This is my Bittermunity.

Many people would look at that fact and tell me it’s a positive trait that I’m never sick.  They might tell me that I should thank the lucky stars that I have such Bittermunity.  They may think that I am Superman disguised as a lowly bitter person in this office only so I can go fight crime during the day.  That the only reason I was puking that one time was because someone wore a Kryptonite necklace that day.  They may think that it must be a joy to never be sick.  But you know what? It is the opposite of what you are thinking.  Never being sick is a curse.

Did you see the twisted crying wolf situation above? Never being sick has almost the same bad effect as someone who calls in sick ALL. THE. TIME.  My boss didn’t believe that I was sick, because I had so few times called in sick.  They are more apt to believe that constant crying wolf in our office is sick than me.  That is how much this thing has backfired on me.

How about the sick hours? Guess how many I have built up in 13 years? Over 600 hours, or in terms of days I could call in sick, in a row without losing all my hours, 75 days.  If you factor in that I don’t work weekends, that is 15 weeks.  That means I could be sick for almost 4 months, without penalty.  Except I would have to come up with a lot of “dog ate my homework” scenarios that I’m not very good at inventing.  And I’m sure a doctor would have to write me quite a note for me missing that much time for a “cold”.

And guess what happens when it snows around here? “Hey, let’s make that guy that grew up in South Dakota where it snowed everyday of the summer come in. We can all ‘pretend’ we are working from home by logging in and telling him all the things we can’t do from home (which is everything) so we can pretend we are helping, when all we are doing is watching TV and playing Sudoku.” Then when mistakes pop up in the next few weeks, we can blame that guy, because he didn’t handle all 250 calls and 100 orders that day.  Oh, and we’ll make sure he works Christmas Eve late so we can go home early, because you know, he’s dependable.

Sometimes, I wish my Bittermunity would spread so everyone else would have the misery of always being able to go to work everyday.  I wish I was born with hayfever or an ability to spin a good tale of why I was sick all the time.  Then, I could always have an excuse to be sick like everyone else.

 

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Munity Ben

Half-Hearted Friday Giftures

DO NOT READ THIS POST! It is terribly under enthusiastic and in honor of it being Friday and the first world tragedy that happened to me this week, I’m going to go ahead and put in a minimal effort today.  For those of you who are regulars to BBB, you are used to this effort.  But if you happen to be wandering around WordPress, with absolutely nothing better to do and you happened to mistakenly click on this blog, I don’t apologize in advance.  Bitterness happens on the reg around here and half-heartedly doing things is an even more common occurrence.  You might not like it, but too bad.  Get used to disappointment because it happens in life all the time.  This blog disappointing you shouldn’t be any different.  So here are some half-hearted efforts for you.

 

I wish I had more Bounce….

df

…no I don’t.

 

 I wish I could tell you I’m not gonna slack today…

...

…but I am.

 

 I wish I could tell you I wasn’t going to fall down on my job…

but I'm falling down right now.

but I’m falling down right now.

 

You probably hope that I got ready for the day…

...but

…can’t really promise that.

 

You are probably hoping I step it up today…

sdfdsf

…but I will probably run out screaming sometime today(or at least walk out kinda bored).

 

You’re probably hoping I’ll fetch something for you..

this-is-where-i-keep-all-my-nopes-24-photos-4

..but I’ll probably just be sitting on the pier.

 

 

You probably think I’m going to be walking a lot today…

...aaaannnd you would be wrong.

…aaaannnd you would be wrong.

 

You are thinking I gonna be using my hands for stuff…

sdfdf

…Burn! 

 

Maybe you think I’m gonna help out today..

...nah. I think I'll pas.

…nah. I think I’ll pass.

 

You’re probably dreaming that I’m gonna do some studying today…

...

…perhaps….not. 

 

Good luck trying to get to start the car today…

sdf

…you’re not so bright are you…