Solving the National Debt BFG’s

I’m not known as a problem solver. In fact, the only instance there is on the books of me solving problems is when my wife wants to vent. As you know, women don’t want you to solve their problems, they just want you to listen. She was trying to tell me that, but I was too distracted listening to her to actually hear what she was saying to me.

I certainly didn’t solve any problems in math. But that isn’t really my fault, because math is weird. They keep telling you to solve for X, or Y or C, and say that it doesn’t matter which letter is in the equation, you can solve for it. Then there is the no solution equation that has no solution, and yet there is some sort of answers that you need to put on the test. Even if the answer is an infinite number of answers or no answers. Take this example that I found on the internet. 3X-12 = 3(x-4). In this case you could put any number in there and it would right.

In life, it is quite the opposite. Let’s say the boss asks me do create a graphic for a social media post. I could come up with a million different ideas and take a million different approaches to the graphic, and it would still not be what he wanted and I would have to return to do it again or just get fired for not reading his mind.

My wife could send me out to get her something to eat. There are 15 different grocery stores, 50 restaurants or fast food joints, and even some apple orchards that have several different options. I could spend thousands of hours, millions of dollars and come back with infinite foodstuffs and she would say that wasn’t what she was craving at the moment.

My son could say that he has a paper due in the morning and he needed me to complete it for him, because he is too busy playing video games upstairs and has only known about the due date since four months ago. I could research five million topics, prompt AI 47 million times, come up with award winning writing that put Hemmingway and Rowling to shame, and he would still come back with feedback from his teacher that said I didn’t use the guidelines, or the persuasive model or do citations in the correct way, so he got a C.

There are millions of decisions that I get wrong every single day, and I’ve yet to solve one problem. I’d like to think that someday I will solve one, but it’s not looking good. Maybe I have too high of expectations for myself. My goal is the opposite of what contestants at beauty pageants want (or is it a scholarship program?). They say they want world peaches, I would rather have world plums.

There is one simple problem that I think I could pretty easily solve. It’s called the national debt. You know, the one that I keep having to pay for over and over again with the taxes on my paycheck and then again with the taxes on all the things I buy? Oh and again, the taxes that I have to pay because prices keep going up, but my salary isn’t? Or the taxes that I have to pay for the taxes that I get taxed for? I’m just really glad that we only send the most responsible and cautious spenders to represent us in the government. I just know that they treat every dollar with respect and only spend it with the same care that I do.

Yeah, that small problem. I can solve it in an instant. All they have to do is look at a thing that they want to purchase. They then look at their bank account and see if there is any money in the account. If there is no money in the account, then they may not purchase it. If there IS money in the account they may buy it. It’s pretty simple, since I have to do the same thing every month.

Since government officials aren’t very good at not stealing other people’s money for their own purposes like regular people, I have an easier solution. I play a lot of video games. In many of those video games, the people in the games have to progress and get better so they can defeat enemies that are stronger than them. A lot of the time they have to buy swords or guns or other cool weapons in order to defeat more bad guys. The nice thing is when you defeat bad guys, you can steal their money. Or when they die, the burst into coins.

Since I’m really good at saving both in regular money, but video game money, I have a lot left over from all those games. If the government promises to do the thing I demanded above (only spend money that you have), then I would be willing to donate some of my video game money to cover the debt. All of it. In one game right now, I have 25.74 trillion dollars. In another, I have 75.6 trillion. In Monopoly, well, I’m still in debt there, but I would be willing to sell B&O Railroad for $200, and St. Charles Place for $140. And give me a few minutes and I can get a $200 spot for crossing Go.

I have $28,329 in Far Cry 5. In Gears 5, I have over 120,000 power, which the government could use to purchase new skins on some characters (IE the old government officials faces), and some neon pink gun skins. I still have dozens of moneys in games I haven’t played for decades, such as Super Mario Bros. which I have at least a million coins and counting. I even have some foreign currency like Gil from Final Fantasy X that has been collecting interest since 2001. Tom Nook (the crook) from Animal Crossing also owes me some money for some beets, bugs and fish I sold him.

Bottom line, I’m going to bail the government out, but only this one time. If they go over budget once, they are fired. I also only ask for seven things in return. That they ask me before they spend any more money. That I don’t have to pay taxes ever again. That we get rid of all of them and replace them with more responsible people. That I get a castle with a moat filled with hungry alligators. That WordPress returns the algorithm back to the way it was before, so we can get more visitors. And that math has to always provide a solution for every X and we can’t just make up numbers. Lastly, a Lamborghini.

There you go. I’ve finally solved one problem. Now I’m off to make more Bitter Friday Giftures to make sure there are more problems in the world…

Yeah…