One of the least valuable things I ever did was earn my Eagle Scout in the Boy Scout program. My dad must have secretly been on the propaganda committee that taught kids my age that Scouts would somehow be valuable later in life, because he pushed me hard into the program, even though I hated it.

I could list more things I didn’t learn from Scouts than I did learn. I didn’t learn to love camping, the outdoors, serving other people, orienteering, nuclear science, automotive maintenance, cooking, coin collecting, engineering, or citizenship. Those were all merit badges that I either earned or could have earned. After I earned a badge, I was so thoroughly finished with the subject of the badge, that I figuratively dug into my mind and scrubbed all knowledge of the subject, because I never wanted to think about it again.

My father kept saying that if I got my Eagle Scout, that I would be able to put it on my resume and it would get me any job I wanted. I’m still not the CEO of Hasbro or Nintendo, so I guess he was wrong about it getting me ANY job I wanted. In addition, not one job I ever got mentioned that it was my Eagle Scout that job me the interview job or even a second glance. Now I don’t even include that I was a scout because I suspect it lost me some good jobs.

For all the time I wasted on Scouts, I’d like a refund. I could have been wasting all my time on juvenile shinaniganary instead. Instead of wearing that dorky uniform, I could have been illegally loitering at 7-11, and stealing ICEE’s. Instead of going camping, I could have been catcalling girls on construction sites.

I wasted so much time pretending that I would be a good citizen one day, by completing my Citizenship in the Community, where we had to attend a School Board meeting (they should rename those School Boring Meetings). I had to do the Dentistry Merit badge, where we had to pull each other’s teeth out and be the Tooth Fairy for three months for three different kids. I was stuck with a 5-year-old that was attaching string to his teeth and knocking out his friends at school so he could collect their teeth. I lost all my allowance for 6 months funding that stupid kid.

They said the most important thing about Scouts was how to handle and fold the Flag. We had so many flags. Of course, we had the American Flag, which I’m fine with. But then we had troop flags, state flags, and patrol flags. I’m kind of shocked we didn’t have to craft a family flag. If that was the case, I would have dropped in on the floor and then burned it to show my brothers and sisters my contempt for them.

There was ONE flag that we didn’t have back then, but we should have. The Red Flag. Nowadays it’s trendy for the kids in dating pool to talk about all the red flags they see in potential mates. I just wish I would have seen all the red flags in Scouts. Or when I was dating girls. Or when I was applying for jobs.

The GenZZZZ’s must have some sort of spooky third eye, or receive visions or dreams that tell them about what red flags are out there. I grew up in ignorance about red flags that girls had. I fell in love with girls that I had no business falling in love with, or not seeing perfect girls for me right in front of my face.

I had no red flag, green flag, or even white flag vision or game to speak of. I pined away after a girl my senior year for the entire year, to I don’t know, ask her out for a date? Take her to prom? I would walk by her locker at the end of the day every day intending on talking to her about something clever that I had practiced for months to say, constantly revising my speech, only to chicken out and dodge at the last moment. I knew she worked at place called Lewis Drug, so I would go there almost every day, to stalk her, uh I mean, to see if she was working, so I could allow her to see me wandering the aisles and have to ask me if I needed any help with something. I went there so often that my mom starting asking me, “Are you going to see Lewis girl again?”

I finally called her one day and asked if she wanted to go on a date. She said, “Um, I don’t know,” so as soon as she said that, I bailed and never called or talked to her again. A whole year wasted. If I only would have seen the red flag, I could have spent my senior year pining after another girl who would have said, “Maybe,” so I could bail equally as fast.

While I am much older and not any wiser, I do at least see red flags all over the place. However, just because I see them doesn’t mean I ignore them. I see scam email, fake phony people, crappy jobs, and movies and TV shows that seems really great, but I know aren’t. That doesn’t stop me from falling for the scam emails, or spending time with phony people, applying for or interviewing for the crappy jobs, or watching the stupid movies and TV shows. I see red flags and Fast and the Furious my way right past them, and then in retrospect claim that I knew they were all bad ideas, but I did them anyways. Then I look pensively at the window and claim that I have learned my lesson, when we all know I did not.

I might have liked Boy Scouts a lot more if they taught me some real-life skills. If they had merit badges like, “The Proper Way to Rizz Up Girls”, “Flag Identification: What are some Greens to look for and some Reds to Avoid”, “Get rich so you have a chance with girls” and “Personality Disorders to Avoid”, I might have got a date with the Lewis girl. Or better yet, found someone way better to take to prom.

Then maybe I would have found a job by putting my Eagle Scout on my resume. Or on my dating profile.

Unfortunately, all my bad advice for this week has been used up, so I’m going to wave the white flag and send it over to the Bitter Friday Giftures portion of the show…Take it away BFG’s…

Literally the thing I spent the most time on…

On top of that…

In the 10 years I did Scouts…

Even worse…

Hi, we’re with the Boy Scouts…

As opposed to the girls scouts…

I could have been using my valuable juvenile time…

Or stealing ICEE’s…

Instead…

If only they taught us proper skills…

Then maybe I would have had a chance…

And I might have put it on my resume…

AARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Flag Department Ben