Nightmare Ben BFG’s

/ bensbitterblog

Ever since we had my first kid, I’ve been a horrific sleeper. My daughter refused to sleep anywhere near my REM cycle. She had a REM detector that allowed her to find right when I was about to go full REM, and cried right before I was about to down for good. She was good at it, that just when she was about to learn new skills, she saw that she had a worthy successor to her immense talent. She passed all her knowledge of sleep destruction to her brother, so for 10 years, I developed an incurable disease called nevergonnasleep. They were so good at it, because they had all kinds of built in excuses like they werre hungry, or they had poop in their diapers, or they were throwing up or something. They developed the ability to produce those things on demand. It was diabolical, but they knew I needed that lack of sleep to fine tune my bitterness. I’ll always be thankful for them doing that, because they were the basis for all things bitter in my life.

Because of them, I resigned myself to being the designated parent to get up in the middle of the night. I was going to be up in a few hours anyways.

After so many years of not sleeping, I realized that sleep was overrated and continued only sleeping a few hours a night. Someday it will catch up to me and my heart or lungs or kidneys or knees will explode or something, and I’ll die a little sooner than I was supposed to. That’s fine, because while you were all sleeping, I was busy doing something productive like playing video games, watching TV and eating pizza. How many of you can say you did that kind of good in the world?

Besides, they (whoever they is) say that you can sleep when you’re dead. I probably won’t sleep then either. I’ll rise from the grave and become a zombie, which isn’t much different from what I’m doing nowadays with highly skilled not sleeping. Zombies and I both like to wander aimlessly in a daze, we make low grunts and growls and we both love meat, look unhealthy and are slow.

What I’m really trying to say is that with the lack of sleep, dreams only come for me sporadically. Most of them involve big houses with lots of hidden doors (probably all my locked up hidden secrets), or reliving previous historical nightmarish moments in my life, like previous jobs, being back in high school, or reliving my mission all over again. Kind of horrific nightmares if you ask me. They almost make me wish for the life I have now. Almost.

In my dreams, I always appear in first person mode, which makes sense, because in the daytime, I’m also in first person mode. It would be kind of weird to be in third person mode, with the camera angle over my shoulder. Since my dream form doesn’t get to live in my dreams, due to my lack of sleeping, it has taken to invading other people’s dreams. Sorry about that. The problem is that my dream form is so strong that and powerful, that he’s taken on kind of a big time villain more powerful than any of your heroes in your dreams. The only way he can be defeated is for you to wake up. But then he just hops to another person’s dreams (or should I say nightmares). Just like Zohan, you don’t want to mess with Nightmare Ben.

In my “real world” form, I appear to just be a mild-mannered bitterblogjournalist, that wears glasses. It used to be my real-world form anyways. Now, Nightmare Bitter Ben has taken over, and he is even more bitter as I get older. He keeps me trapped in the between world, and I’m only allowed out on Fridays to write this blog and post some giftures.

In fact, he’s become so powerful, that he’s now flipped the “real-world” with the dream world. So now when you go to sleep, that is now the real world, and the one that you do while you are awake is the dream one.

You just haven’t figured it because the switch is pretty recent. But really, do you really think the boring things make any sense? The reason why your daytime life is so boring is so you can get good sleep in the real world. I hope I haven’t broken your brain like in the Matrix. Hopefully, you will figure that out when before the machines unplug you.

While you are contemplating the complete takeover of the world by Nightmare Ben, I’ll be slapping some Bitter Friday Giftures up on the wall for you…

My kids like to help me…

…with my utter disregard for sleep.

They knew how much…

…I loved sleep.

Just when my daughter got used to sleeping…

…my son gave her a high five…

And said to his sister…

…I got this.

He took the mantle of keeping me up all night…

…so easily. He’s a natural.

In all that spare time of not sleeping…

…I got better at things that would benefit the world, like playing video games…

Watching…

…TV…

And eating the highest quality…

…junk food.

The best part about the lack of sleep…

…is that it will save me from the zombie apocalypse…

Because they will think…

…I’m one of them.

Besides…

…you can’t possibly think that the daytime is the “real world”.

Where I’m just a bitter-mannered…

…bitterblogjournalist?

Nope, the real world is at night…

…where I’m all-powerful.

ARRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Nightmare Ben Ben

37 thoughts on “Nightmare Ben BFG’s”

  2. My Master, the Zombies will work for us. I already got zombie tamers in our army. We’re just waiting for the undead to rise. And of COURSE you are more powerful in the realm of dreams! You are a god among men my master!

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