College football sucks.

And yet…it may be my path to fortune, if I play it just right.

Remember at the beginning of this post when I said college football sucks? I hope so. It was only two sentences ago. It might sound like bitter grapes, but the reason I think college football sucks, is because I went to college…three times. And at each of those different institutes of higher learning, my school didn’t have a college football team.

The first college was a tiny church school in the middle of Idaho, a state which creeps me out to no end. Loved the college, but only the college. The rest of the state sucked. To me, the college was a domed city and everything outside of it was a dystopian wildlands. As long as I was safely inside the dome, I was fine. But if I left the dome, I subject to wild creatures called Idahoans. It was fine that we didn’t have a team, because I was living my bitterest life. Hanging out with 33 best friends on my dorm floor, eating pizza at midnight, going out with many ladies, and doing whatever wanted for the first time in my life. But no college football team.

I eventually ended my time at that two year heaven surrounded by hell, and went to a grown up college, but again, one that didn’t have a football team. A bigger, more popular university just up the hill was one half of the states bitterest rivals. A lot of people went to one or the other, but I went to neutral school #3, meaning I didn’t care for either one of them.

Then, when I was an adult (and had my mid-life crisis as my wife called it) I moved back here and went to this tiny college that’s entire campus was one 8 story high rise. It definitely didn’t have any time or space to fund a football team, let alone a dorm.

If you don’t have a “team” in college football, there’s no reason to be a fan. There’s a few other reasons why I don’t like college football. If you aren’t Alabama, Michigan, Clemson, Georgia, Ohio State or one or two other rotating schools, you have nary a chance to win a championship, and you’re going to a Lawnmower Bowl, one that nobody cares about.

Another reason: Players used to not be able to get paid. For years, the NCAA had a crazy rule where athletes could get scholarships, but could earn any money whatsoever and if anyone even thought of giving some of them money they would get banned and college programs would be ineligible for years.

Another reason: Now players can get paid. Some athlete sued to allow college players to get paid, and now the pendulum has swung so far the other way, that some athletes in 6th grade are getting NIL deals(if you don’t know what NIL is, it just means college athletes can now get paid using their Name, Image and Licensing) in seven figures. There is one reason this could turn out to help me. Remember at the beginning when I said if I play it right, college football could get me the fortune I’ve always been wishing for?

My son is going to be a junior in high school this year, and his dream is to play in the NFL. My dream, on the other hand, is to exploit him for all his money, meaning I just want him to get a 7 figure NIL deal. Not only would be revenge for him siphoning all my money, for not paying rent all these years, for eating all my food and making me pay for all his football stuff, but also it would allow me to retire and be an annoyance to him in my old years, just like he has been an annoyance to me in all his younger years. It’s a circle that must be completed. As his agent, I’m going to need a 50% commission for handling his money.

The worst thing about college football is the transfer portal. Portals are great in video games, and movies and books, because they transport characters from one place to another in an instant. It could be a magical world, or it could just be to a grocery store. Either way, it’s an instant transportation device and one with consequences in stories. But in football, there are no consequences. No sitting out, not having to pay back any money for being disloyal. Well maybe one consequence. Having to deal with fans who call you a traitor. But when they are snapping necks and collecting checks, they can use the dollars to collect the tears of their former fans. They’ve now joined the NBA, MLB, and the NFL in having the ability to disappoint numerous fanbases by being only loyal to the money and not the fans.

If athlete’s get a portal, it’s only fair that we get one too.

If you’ve ever heard of a game called Portal, it’s this game where you get a portal gun that opens up portals wherever you shoot it. We deserve them. Maybe we can use them to follow these athletes around and creep them out. Or to save commute time. If I’m in a meeting I don’t want to be, I could accidentally shot my gun backwards and fall off my chair and onto my couch at home. If atheletes can leave whenever they want, why can’t I leave a fricking meeting?

It would make time travel a lot easier too. My Delorean has been in the shop for a few days, my flux capacitor isn’t working, and plutonium costs have been almost as expensive as gas, so I can’t really afford that right now. I just need a Portal gun so I could visit my younger self and mentor him in bitterness. I need to tell him that if he wants to be a better bitter person in the future, then he should write more, and not invest in Apple or Tesla stock. I would definitely tell him to focus more on being an athlete, because we all know that no matter how hard I tried, I’m not making the NBA, leading to bitter disappointment.

However, I’m a little too busy with my couching and video gaming to go back in time to visit my bitter teenage self. Besides, my teenage self didn’t listen to my parents, so why the heck would he ever want to listen to an older version of himself. He would take one look at me and start calling me an old man and mock me about being such a loser when he got older, not understanding irony very much.

Then he would tell me to take my portal gun and shove up the future! Then I would realize why I’m such a bitter old man. Because I was an even more bitter young man. I just had way more energy for bitterness back then.

But don’t worry because I will leave him a note to read with all the instructions to be a better bitterman in the future. And of course, he’ll read it and go, “Duh! These are all things I do already! Man that old guy was so annoying.” And then he would throw out the note and the Sports Almanac that I gave him, because who cares about that thing?

And he would scoff when I told him to learn about Giftures in the future, because he would be using them a lot to distract from his horrible writing, just as I’m doing right now…

As Austin Powers would say…

I hate college football…

I spent a lot of time inside the dome…

In a land of zealots…

The next college I went to was…

A college that had no room…

Unless you are Michigan, Ohio State, or Alabama…

The worst part about football back then…

The worst part about football now…

But just when you thought college football couldn’t get worse…

In which players…

Which makes me wonder…

I would love to go…

Just to annoy…

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Transfer Portal Ben