As some people deduced on Tuesday, it was my birthday. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the years, the older I get, the less my birthday matters.

The excitement I have for my birthday peaked when I turned 30, when I actually looked forward to my birthday. I had already been setting up my 30th several months before. I was planting the seed in my wife’s head that she should start planning my surprise party. Of course, it was a joke because when you tell someone to plan your surprise party, it’s the opposite of a surprise. We laughed about it, and she still thought it was enduring that I cared so much about my birthday.

The day came and she was really nice to me, because she said we could go to Anger Management (the movie, not my weekly therapy) right after work. It was a pretty special treat, because she isn’t a big fan of movies, and I was excited to watch one with her, especially one that she normally wouldn’t go to.

Afterwards, we planned to have cake with her brother and his wife. When we pulled up to the house, she managed to pull off the surprise, because basically we had joked about it so much, that I never thought she would actually do it.

She managed to get just about everyone I knew there, (I don’t know that many people) including my parents, who lived thousands of miles away at the time, and I was excited for about 10 minutes. Then I realized I was the center of attention, and I hate that. I had to use up every little bit of my social battery to pretend being thankful, while mentally pushing everyone out the door to leave. It was quite exhausting, and I was glad when everyone left.

It was then that I realized that my birthday wish is to spend it entirely alone. I’m okay with my wife and kids being around, but my dream birthday is to spend it with just my immediate house relatives. I wouldn’t even object if my wife and kids had to go away on a business trip or something. Celebrating alone sounds magical.

Ironically and tragically, that birthday wish will never happen. At least in my experience, from the crack of dawn, to the minute I hit the pillow at midnight, someone is always calling me, Facebooking me, texting me, or offering to take me to lunch. Then I have this unreal and annoying expectation of answering them back and telling them thanks and sometimes, I have to talk to them more. It’s one of my least favorite things to do, because all I want to do is sit in the birthdayness of it and enjoy it. But everyone keeps going out of their way to do the one thing I avoid at all costs every other day of the year. Socializing.

I just want to be left alone to celebrate surviving yet another year.

I just want to be left alone to be depressed about how old I’m getting. I just want to try to remember how old I am, so when I have to answer a survey or tell someone how old I am, on a medical form or official government document, I can remember it.

I just want everyone to go away, so I can look on Amazon at the thing I’ve been saving up for years for, and I just want to imagine that someone knew so much about me, and was so rich and carefree about their money that they would just buy it for me, no strings attached.

I like to imagine that there is an island somewhere that would love to invite me, for my birthday only, to the island, where they will pamper me, and shower me with gifts, and then only bother me to ask what free drink they can bring me.

It would be really cool to be able to take the day off, so I could reflect on all the things I did in the last year, but then realizing that I did all of the same things last year that I did the year before. Sure I probably did a few things differently, but for the most part, I work at the same place, I go to the same grocery stores, I still go to my son’s football games in the fall and sit on the couch almost every day scrolling the same 5 apps on my phone.

I would take the day off, but I have that report that I need to get to, and if I miss the day, then I get behind and have to catch up the rest of the week. I would be sitting at home doing nothing interesting, so I might as well not get even more behind at work.

So I put in 8 hours at work, and then come home and think, well, at least I can relax for a bit, but then I’m told that all my family is coming over to “celebrate” me, when really they are just coming for cake that I bought and not giving me any presents in return. Because 51-year-olds don’t deserve any presents. And really it is just an excuse for them to talk to anyone else in my family but me. Which would be fine with me, if I could just disappear into the other room and watch TV and scroll my phone.

But no, I have to be the good host, and cut the cake for them, and show them a place to sit. Because if I disappear on my birthday, and try to do something I want to do, that’s rude. Show my family some respect when they are trying to celebrate MY big day.

You know who I am starting to respect more and more as the years go by? The people that really care about me on my birthday aren’t people at all. They are businesses. The businesses NEVER forget my birthday. They never ask me for some cake. They never ask to come over to celebrate. They only give. They might give me a free funny video of someone singing me a song, or they might give me a big discount for the rest of the month, a free desert, appetizer, or even a free meal.

Businesses show me much more than people ever could. They know how to treat a guy special on his big day.

Here’s a list of businesses that wished me a happy birthday. Jimmy John’s came in first, with the offer for a free sandwich. Megaplex chimed in next and gave me a free medium popcorn. Next, my home loan officers sent me an awesome birthday video and a free valuation of my home. Target Circle sent me greetings next and 5% off a trip. Talk about a bunch of money. That’s lottery level money if my wife uses the 5%. To top it all off, my Doctor’s Office sent me a funny birthday video along with a free colon cleansing. Now that is a lesson to my family and friends about how NOT to be a pain in the butt.

I know it will probably never happen, but if I ever get my real Birthday wish, it would be to spend the entire day with all my favorite businesses. Collecting free sandwiches, huge discounts, laughing at their funny videos. We would have such a great time, and when my social battery wore out, I would leave the business and it wouldn’t be offended at all. I would just be thankful to them and they would never ask anything of me.

But of course, as you get older you understand that nothing ever works out like you want it to. And that is the bitter truth.

We shall now use this occasion to view some Bitter Friday Giftures…

Some people figured it out…

As soon as people figure it out…

Back when I was young and dumb…

But as I got older and wiser…

Which I spend most every other day of the year…

They just want you to host…

And the best part is they don’t come…

Because 51 year olds…

Which would be fine…

Because heaven forbid…

Thank goodness for businesses…

Next year I’m hanging out with businesses…

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Businesses are better than people Ben