Since we just had solar eclipse, it’s relevant that I celebrate my 51st rotation around the sun by listing my 51 reasons why you or I should be Bitter.

1. Lists – They are long and tedious and take a lot of time. The only one that doesn’t is this one.
2. Nerolinks – Better than hyperlinks, because they are less hyper, though not near as good as link sausages, and not as cool as Link from the Legend of Zelda.
3. Hydra – cut off one head, two more will take their apartment, uh place.
4. Hydration – Way overrated. Yeah, some water is needed, but 8 glasses a day is a little excessive.
5. Hydraflasks – Used to be cool until Stanley Cups became cooler. And not the ones that the best team in Hockey gets.
6. S.H.I.E.L.D. – Stands for something that Captain America was part of, also something he held to protect him that was made out of Selium or something.
7. Scheels – Good for sporting goods not so good for other goods.
8. Sheel duh – It’s like a shield, but how someone with braces might or a kid with overemphasis problems.
9. Heels – Achilles had a good, but not great one. Ladies like to wear them to be taller and get weaker ankles.
10. The feels – The feeling when you get break in a new pair of wheels, watch baby seals, or break evening deals.
11. Neals – Shaquile O’, Curley, Mo and, Jermaine O’, Dover.
12. Peel – Banana, Key and, and stick wallpaper, out, a-ling.
13. Wheels – Hot, on the bus, man, keep your hand on the, third -ing, big, ferris, the squeaky,
14. Tire – I’m really -d, I really need to re-, after not working out I have a spare,
15. Fire – if I don’t get to work I’m going to get -d, dumpster, add some fuel to the, -breathing dragon, escape,
16. Wire – less network, under the, high, bird on a,
17. Art – state of the, school, work of, of war by Sun Tzu
18. Master – Jedi, class, jack of all trades, – of none, of the Universe,
19. My Voice – is not going on The Voice, because it can’t sing, it can’t act, and it can’t dance. Also it’s monotone and doesn’t want to talk to you anyways.
20. Thanksgiving – It’s not even close to Thanksgiving, which is good because I’m not about to give you thanks for anything.
21. Anagrams – Never sure if that is words scrambled around to make other words, or words that are the same spelled backwards and forward.
22. Wallet – Rhymes with mallet, pallet, mosh pit, stall it, call it, small it, doll it, ball pit, and is always taking a large hit and is lost almost as much as airpods.
23. Warm Coats – what Pepto Bismal does to your throat
24. Doing stuff the hard way – shortcuts just don’t make any cents.
25. Treasure hunts – Benjamin Gates does the grown up version.
26. The Revengers – The much better version of the Avengers.
27. Witty Quotes – Because Yogi Berra didn’t have it in him to write a witty book.
28. Networking – Another word for Nepotism
29. Complications – the word the doctors uses when they aren’t brave enough to tell you that you are ravaged with a horrible disease.
30. Businesses – the ones that remember your birthday and send you 10% off, unlike your awful friends that forget and also don’t give you 10% off.
31. The Anti-Hero – an oxymoron if you ask me, and something I never understood, until Taylor Swift said that she was one.
32. Oxymoron – Detergent that helps keep people clean that can’t figure out how to use the self-checkout.
33. Bleach – A substance that allows me to unsee what I shouldn’t have seen.
34. Panoramas – A type of picture that allows me to see more of an awful picture.
35. Trauma – Drama, but better because it causes more permanent damage, unless you have brain bleach.
36. Relocation packages – Some companies offer this for important people that are moving to other cities and still working for the company. I would like one of these so I can relocate from the office to home.
37. Idiot attractor – TV, video games or a couch. Any of those things attract me.
38. Mafia – Really good crime, because it’s on TV.
39. Music – When my daughter was 8 years old, she figured out that all music was about relationships.
40. Ninja – What I turn into when I am awake before anyone else in the house.
41. King of the Obvious – I am the King of the Obvious, obviously.
42. Kohl’s Kash – The kash that is killing the ekonomy.
43. Lines – It means stand around randomly in chaos according to 7-10 year old kids.
44. RBF – Resting Bitter Face
45. Bitter Lake – A big lake that was a big mistake because it has a lot snakes, and makes you ache.
46. Eyelids – The only thing between me having to see all the things that I need bleach for.
47. Siren – The awful sound that only goes off at 2 am and you can’t ignore.
48. Curtain call – When your curtains call you in the middle of the day when you are busy at work.
49. Dirtbags – The bags you use on your vacuum that help you identify people that suck.
50. Toxic – That substance that infects you at work, so you can’t get anything (otherwise known as co-workers).
51. Halfway – The beginning of where you have to meet someone in order for them to do anything for you.

ARRRGGHHHHH

Bitter 51 Reasons To Be Bitter Ben