As the proud owner of stiff knees, shoulders, back, wrists, neck, fingers, eyes, and every other joint I possess, I’m reminded every day how much closer I am to death. According to all of human history and most comic books, I am getting older every single day. Science keeps telling us that father time is undefeated, so that leads to this conclusion. Like Thanos, death is inevitable. Which is a good thing, because to be honest, living in this body that keeps breaking down every day, forever sounds pretty miserable.

I know I’m going to die someday. Could be today, in a decade or like Tom Hanks character in the Green Mile, could be another 50 years. If John Coffey heals a few of my ailments, then it might be worth living until I’m 108 years old. Because the worst part about aging is all the pain. The older I get, the more ailments are added to my House of Pain. I used to be able to take an Ibuprofen and my pain was alleviated for a month. Now, I take 14 different daily supplements, 2 Extra Strength Ibuprofen, and some low-level, slow-acting version of meth and that barely gets me through lunch. Add that to the inevitable dementia I will get around the age of 75 (my mom and her mom both got it) and my body and mind are on a one way train to a bitter death.

The only thing I do that will hold off dementia for a while is ironically, playing video games. Ironic, because my mother was always so against me playing them. To be clear, video games won’t cure my dementia, but according to AI, which is always right, research suggests that video games can support cognitive health, improve memory, and potentially delay or lower the risk of cognitive decline. That’s a direct quote from me typing in “can video games hold off dementia” in Google.

It gives me a whole list of reasons why video games are so vital for me, and why as Rick Astley Rickrolls, “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry.” I plan on never making video games cry, because I don’t like onions. But for sure, video games challenge my brain, increase nerve cell generation in my memory-related regions like the hippocampus, and help me build “cognitive reserves”. It even says that when I experience early stage development, video games can improve my short-term memory. Take that dementia. Look who’s fighting dementia, by fighting virtual video game enemies.

This is the reason I’ve told my kids that when I get old and start displaying dementia, to just put a controller in my hand, and turn on my Xbox and put me on the couch. Whether I’m fragging newbs, running around in virtual circles, or muscle memorying my way to becoming the world’s greatest video game player, I want to die with a video game controller in my hands, and a pizza in my mouth. My kid’s have these specific instructions if they want any piece of the Bitter Empire I’ve built for them. The inheritance at this point includes a quarter tank of gas in my 2006 Scion xA that I haven’t driven in 5 years, and the $14.11, they will get when they cancel Game Pass, in the middle of the month that I die. Oh and access to the Bitter Blog, which will hopefully be in video game form by the time I die.

I used to plan on donating my body to science, but I’m not sure science wants it at this point because of the reasons mentioned above. Science won’t be clamoring for my donation and will happily allow my body to be buried 8 feet under, because 6 feet just won’t be enough. However, I do believe that “science” may want to hang on to my limbic system, amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and my hippocampus, because those are the parts of my brain that process my bitterness. You see, bitterness is a complex, long-lasting emotional and psychological state tied to feelings of betrayal, trauma and helplessness. As the world’s leading experiencer of bitterness, I think “science” would like to study how a guy like me with hardly any emotions, feelings of betrayal, trauma or helplessness has been bitter his whole life.

Since bitterness is not only a feeling, but also a taste, “science” would also like to get ahold of my gustatory cortex, which is responsible for taste perception. I think they would love to understand how a guy that spent his whole life eating sugary candy bars and salty pizza, somehow experienced a bitter taste in his mouth. Therefore, as the world’s leading bitter, I am now officially announcing the announcement of myself donating not my body, nor my brain, but my bitterness to science.

You’re welcome science. Don’t blow it.

As an added bonus, I’ve decided to include 12 Bitter Friday Giftures donated to this blog post. Don’t ever say I never did anything for the world.

As the proud owner of…

I have a reminder that everyday…

Just like Paul Edgecomb and John Coffey from the Green Mile…

As much as I want to live forever…

Just like Thanos…

It could come yesterday, today, or in a decade…

Unfortunately…

Even worse…

And the only thing I have to fight it off…

Which is why when I get dementia, I’ve requested that my kids…

I might run in circles…

When I finally reach my demise…

Or even my…

I’ve decided to donate my most valuable asset..

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Donating my Bitterness to Science Ben