This week, I was watching a YouTube video about these two women wellness coaches created a retreat called a Rage Ritual Retreat. For the low, low price of only $4,000, the drag these women into the woods and then bring them outside, make them collect sticks, and then while beating the sticks against the ground, primally screaming as loud as they can as long as they can.

I used to have a job that I really hated. Actually, I hated most of my jobs, but this one in particular job launched me into my Bitter Rage phase. As an introvert that doesn’t really like dealing with my own problems, let alone other people’s problems, this job wasn’t for me. As an introvert that hates talking on the phone, this job was a nightmare. I was a customer service rep, that had to deal with other people’s problems on a daily basis. This thing didn’t arrive on time. You screwed up my order and you need to fix it. This thing has been on backorder and I need it yesterday for my customer. I need to rent radios for the Super Bowl and you have none in stock right now. The everyday issues were constant and persistent.

I always had a saying about this job.

“One call could ruin it all.”

My favorite “calls that could ruin it all” were from customers at 4:55 pm on Friday, that were ready to transfer their five alarm emergencies to me. At any given moment, I would be turned into a firefighter/Sherlock Holmes that was responsible for negotiating world peace with Russia, Iran, and China. All because they promised a customer a radio that they had no idea if it was in stock or not, but they were passing that blame to me. On any given Friday, I could be negotiating with inventory, IT, the warehouse, UPS, FEDEX and the international sales department just to make up for a mistake that someone else made. One time, because of the unluck of the draw of it being my turn to answer a call, and an epic mistake by UPS, I literally spent an entire week getting one massive order that shipped to a wrong location to the right location. Just another week in the life of a customer service rep.

The worst time though, was the time when our genius company decided to simultaneously move to a new building, and upgrade to an entirely new system at the same time. The best part was that the new system didn’t hook into the new warehouse for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. So my job from the time I stepped into the building until I left at night for 3 months straight, was to answer call after call and inform our customers that we couldn’t enter orders in the system, but we could write them down on paper. The for the next two weeks, we would get follow-up calls every day asking if our system was working, and telling them no, and constantly getting chewed out because they had to have these radios NOW.

If I was a woman, stupid and had $4,000, I could have signed up for that Rage Ritual Retreat to deal with those months of frustration. But I’m not a woman, I’m only marginally dumb sometimes, and I don’t have $4,000. However, I did create a free version of the Rage Ritual Retreat, which I will gladly sell to anyone for $3,999.

This is how our retreat will go. After a particularly bad day at work, or a frustrating fight with someone, you will get into your car. You will then retrieve the music playing machine or your choice, and you will cue up the song One Step Closer, by Lincoln Park, and you will proceed to play the song as loud as you can tolerate. Then, when no other cars are around to see you scream like a maniac, you proceed to scream at the top of your lungs.

Not only is it much easier than going to the woods and finding sticks, but it is also one dollar cheaper than the Rage Ritual Retreat these crazy ladies are offering. In addition, you can use your fists to pound against the steering wheel, who quite frankly deserves the beating, because it isn’t driving itself yet.

Besides, who has time to take work off, just to go up in the woods to scream with a bunch of other angry, rageful, people when those are the things that caused all your rage in the first place. (The woods and the other people.)

Case in point, I’ve never been a fan of camping, or the outdoors, but as a kid I was forced to be in scouts, which in turn forced us to go on campouts. I was also forced to get my Eagle, which then forced me to become a leader of scouts. In one of the top 3 worst moments of my life, I was forced to go on a snow cave campout, which I was somehow co-“in charge of”. I vigorously objected, but these dumb kids wanted to go. So after an especially hard day at work at the aforementioned horrible job, which caused most of the rage, I had the privilege of driving 90 miles east of Seattle in the dead of January, to a frozen tundra. The objective of this campout was to build snow caves, and then sleep in them.

I was stuck in a snow cave with three others and assigned the impossible task of trying to sleep. Unfortunately, to be able to sleep in a snow cave, you need three things in order to do so. First, you need to be warm enough, second you need to be in the not-so-great outdoors, and third you need to have enough space. All three of those things are simultaneously my worst fears, (cold, outdoors, claustrophobia). It was such a long night of not being able to sleep, that I think I might still be there right now. I spent my whole night of not sleeping working on my conjuration powers. I tried imagining a blowtorch in my mind in hopes that one would appear and I could escape my frozen tomb. I would have preferred death by freezing in the outdoors, or by being mauled by a bear than spending more time in that snow cave. Unfortunately, since it was winter, the bears were being smart, and unlike me, hibernating in their toasty warm, room caves. Why can’t we be more like bears?

In order to express my rage about that night, and instead of paying $4,000 to attend an outdoor retreat, I went into my car, put on Lincoln Park, and did my $3,999 in-car Rage Ritual Retreat.

Don’t be a sucker and pay so much. Definitely don’t go into the woods where you will suffer from cold, claustraphobia and the outdoors. Do my indoor and online Rage Ritual Retreat for the low, low cost of $3,999.

Enjoy these Bitter Friday Giftures in your warm comfortable, spacious rooms.

This week I was watching…

It was about a thing some crazy ladies were doing…

It was called a rage ritual retreat…

And beat sticks…

I thought…

First…

And second…

When my version of a Rage Ritual Ritual Retreat…

And turning on the cassette for Lincoln Park’s…

And playing it as loud…

And definitely don’t build a snow cave…

Just so you can face your three biggest fears…

The cold…

And…

When my retreat is cheaper($3,999)…

Venmo, PayPal or Cash App accepted.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Rage Ritual Retreat BFG’s