In the age of Superheroes there is an oft asked question in the Internosphere. If you were granted the request to be given one superhero ability, what would you choose? A lot people would choose super strength, or speed, or the ability to fly. I’ve thought of invisibility, because it would allow me to avoid people and situations, but then I realized all I have to do to be mostly invisible is to be old, and I’m already that. Even though I don’t have the ability to be 100% invisible, I’m already at 80%, so I don’t choose that.

Other superpowers include the ability to control elements like fire, ice, lightning or thunder, or telekinesis, where you can move things with your mind. Here’s another fun one. The ability to shoot laser beams from your eyes or from sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. There is also the ability to read another person’s mind. That is a power I most definitely DO NOT want. I have enough terrifying thoughts running through my own head already. Adding even one more person’s thoughts to my own thoughts would make it explode. In addition, when my wife or any other woman said, “You should know what I want without me having to say it,”, I would no longer have the excuse that “I can’t read your mind! How would I know what you are thinking?” All I know is if I forced to have that power, I would tell no one.

The one I think is the most interesting is one that a lot of people don’t think about. It doesn’t have a catchy all encompassing name, so I have to explain it. It’s the ability to not only absorb an attack but then to be able to double the attack back at a person. I was trying to think of heroes in comics and movies that have the ability, but I couldn’t think of any. So I used someone else’s brain, IE the internet/AI, and they said that Zuko from The Last Airbender was one. I hate to admit that I’ve never seen the Last Airbender movie, comic or cartoon, so I couldn’t tell you who Zuko is. They also suggested Sebastian Shaw from the X-Men. I have seen that one. He was played by Kevin Bacon in X-Men: First Class. (Side Note: After looking that name up on the internet, it appears that Sebastian Shaw was the actor that played Darth Vader without his helmet in Return of the Jedi). After seeing Shaw use that power in X-Men, it looks absolutely terrifying. Hmmm, maybe I do like this power.

The internet mentioned that Thor’s hammer can absorb (shocker) lightning, and redirect it more powerfully. After reading that, I realized that Iron Man’s suit seems to have that ability. If you remember, there’s a scene in Avengers when Iron Man and Thor were fighting in the forest. Thor shot his lightning at Tony’s suit and to everyone’s shock (pun intended) Tony not only absorbed the attack, but Jarvis tells him that his attack was raised 400%. Black Panther’s suit does the same thing.

After learning about all the people that had the ability, I decided on that one. I would have a few questions about it first though. For instance, would I feel the pain that is shot at me for a little bit? Would I feel none of the pain or would it be more like a forcefield, before it got reflected back? It wouldn’t be a big deal if I did feel some of the pain, because I already absorb a lot of pain right now. Every time I type things, my carpal tunnel/ligaments hurt. Every time I walk, my hips, knees and feet hurt. Every time I sleep, my neck hurts. Every time I sit, my back and shoulder hurt. I’m a walking pain factory. When I send the force back, does that alleviate my pain, or does the base level of pain remain?

Regardless, I would take the power. But I’m in the revenge business, so I would request the bestower of the power also grant me not just the physical power, but also the verbal ability of absorbing insults and being able to hurl the verbal assaults back 2 times harder. If the ability were granted, I would finally be able to tell people what I really thought of them, and enter the social media fray with confidence. Now that is a power I would love to absorb and flip back on people. Then I would also be able to go by my real given name, Bitter Revengerman.

And that, my bitter enemies, is the power that I request. The ability to win in the verbal battlefield.

My question for you is what is your superpower request? Leave that in the comments below.

While you are mulling that over, feel free to peruse these Bitter Friday Giftures free of charge…

In age of Superheroes…

Most people would choose the basic stuff like…

Or strength…

Or the ability to control the elements…

Some would love telekenesis…

One power I would never want…

There are enough terrifying thoughts…

I certainly don’t want to grant my wife…

After much deliberation…

I accept the power to absorb things physically…

Since I’m in the business of revenge, once I get the verbal power…

And I would finally be able to…

So, what is your superpower request?

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Zuko and Shaw Ben