When I was a sophomore in high school, I had to get a physical in order to play basketball. People have been doing them for generations, so I didn’t really question it, I just treated it as a routine requirement for playing basketball. The school set them up for us, and I went along because I kind of wanted to play. The doctors looked at my height and weight, my heart and lungs, my blood pressure and pulse, vision, and flexibility. I was never a woman, so I didn’t know which parts were the most awkward for them, but for me, the most uncomfortable part was when they told me to “turn and cough”, so they could examine…my muscles.

I made it through what I thought was the hard part, until the doctor did a routine examination of my spine. After he ran his hand down my spine, he stopped and bowed his head and with great gravity in his voice he said, “I don’t know how to tell you this…but you have…scoliosis.” He looked at me with pity in his eyes and slowly waited for my reaction. I said, “So, how long do I have to live?” He then told me, “At most…maybe six months.”

Oh my gosh, you guys really believed that? You totally fell for my basketball head fake. I asked him what scoliosis was. He said it was a curvature of the spine. I said, “Alright. So do I pass my physical?” and he said, “No, I’m really sorry. You only have six months to live.”

Again, are you guys really that bad at falling for my head fakes? He said I could play sports, but my spine might cause some minor back pain. I was like, great, so I’m already an old man? When do I move into the retirement facility, where my future kids will ignore me? When do I sign up for AARP? When do I get my walker? Or better yet, can I get a wheelchair? At least I would have an advantage in the running over of people’s feet thing on defense, and I could wheel faster on fast breaks.

He said I was overreacting just a bit and that I would be fine because it was only a 5% curvature. He said that it was much better news than that. I would just have excruciating back pain for the next 100 years. He said one of my legs might be higher than the other, but I could compensate by limping to one side, or leaning toward the short leg to extend it. I said, “Oh great, excruciating back pain and a slight limp for the rest of my life? Great. I was looking for someone to torture me. You’re hired.”

I asked if I get a pair cybernetic legs with rocket boosters, to make my path to the NBA a little easier. He said he would be glad to refer me to a doctor friend of his named Doc Brown, who could bring me to the future when he is done dealing his friend Marty. I said that sounded suspiciously familiar to Doc Brown from Back to the Future, but he assured me with no hint of any sarcasm in his voice that the doctor he was talking about was real.

Thinking back to that fateful day when I discovered my life was over, I wonder how I got scoliosis. Some scientist and doctors say it is hereditary, while other experts say you can get it from injury, tumors on the spine, or conditions affecting nerves or muscles. When I said I wondered, I was joking. I know exactly where I got scoliosis.

I got scoliosis from carrying the basketball team on my back. I got it from carrying my family when we went on “family vacations” to camp sites. I got it from carrying my Marketing group project in my junior year of college. I got it from carrying the whole customer service department on my back at my last job. I especially got scoliosis by carrying the whole WordPress community for the last 15 years.

When I think back, it’s a wonder that people didn’t see signs of scoliosis when I was a baby. It’s pretty shocking to me that I don’t look like Atlas, with a 6 pack and beefy shoulders. Atlas at least got a second or two to work out in the gym before he had to carry the whole world on his shoulders. He was punished because he a Titan fighting against the gods. I was a punished with a huge, world carrying burden and a bad spine, because I am dependable. Since no one else is ever dependable, I have to be the one that gets scoliosis instead of being carried every once in a while.

Of course, I’ve never carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I carry it on my back. It’s pinned on there, so I can barely breathe. It’s crushing my spine right now. And you wonder why it’s hard for me to sleep. And why every day, after working for 10 hours of carrying the weight of my workplace, why all I want to do is lay on the couch so the world doesn’t crush my spine to a pulp.

I’m sorry if I breathe a little heavier when I jog or walk. If you had the world crushing your spine, your breathing might be a little heavy too.

It sucks to be the one that carries everyone. I didn’t choose this. It’s my job, I guess. If some of you want to step up and help with WordPress, that would be cool. But don’t worry, I’m used to carrying things, so don’t worry about it if you can’t.

While I’m busy carrying things, you guys go ahead and enjoy yourselves a few Bitter Friday Giftures…

In my sophomore year…

The doctors just said…

Where we ask you…

After what I thought was the hard part…

And found that…

My next question of course…

He said..

Ha ha…

He said, good news…

I asked him for cybernetic legs…

He said he would refer me to his friend…

Who sounded suspiciously like…

I often wonder how I got scoliosis…

Except without the benefit of…

ARRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Scoliosis Ben