When I was living in Long Island in New York in the late 70’s, my dad took me to my first baseball game in Yankee Stadium. I didn’t understand much about baseball, so when a player ran to second base, I asked him why he could do that. He said it was called a stolen base, so from that time on, I thought it was okay to steal bases, which I why I’ve stolen quite a few bass guitars, clarinets, and army bunkers in my life.

I discovered a complimentary hobby associated with baseball called baseball cards. My first experience with baseball cards was deeply knowing I needed a Reggie Jackson card. I knew he was he was the best player on the Yankees at the time, because the number on his card was 500 (the ones with a 00 after their number were the best). More importantly, a 3rd grader on the bus yelled out that he had a Reggie Jackson baseball card, cementing in my mind the value of that card to a mere second grader like me.

There was this thing on the bus called chuck ups. It was when someone had card they didn’t want, so they would yell out “chuck ups” and they would stick the corner of the card between their first and middle finger and flick their wrist and “chuck” the card and it was a free for all for the card. It was my plan to get the Reggie Jackson card this way. In order to stoke the fires of chuck ups I brought a bunch of my unwanted Fred Lynns (the ultimate loser card, because we had so many of them) and let them fly, in hopes that 3rd grader would throw out his Reggie Jackson card. My Fred Lynn’s were never enough (stupid Fred Lynn) to entice the third grader to throw his Reggie Jackson though.

One day on the bus someone announced they were going to do a chuck up in our cul-de-sac. I was stoked, because surely there would be a Reggie Jackson among his thousands of cards. On that fateful sunny Saturday afternoon, I went out to the cul-de-sac and the kid had his little red wagon full of baseball cards. He started the “chuck ups” slowly, flicking a few in the air with no Reggies present. After doing 50 or so, he got tired of the slow flicking and started going nuts, grabbing handfuls and chucking them all in the air. In the chaos, I grabbed as many as I could, but in the end, not one Reggie Jackson. I only got dozens of Fred Lynns. If I ever meet him in person, I’m going to punch him in the face and tell him he owes me some Reggie Jacksons.

Between the Major League’s, the NBA and the few other sports, there are only about 100,000 some people that have ever had an official collector card with their name, image, and statistics listed on the back of the card. What if they expanded collector cards to me, and I had a collector card that had my bitter face on the front and my bad stats on the back?

If that was the case, here is how I imagine it would go. On the front of the card…

Bitter Ben Collector Card Photo: It would be an action photo of me, put an action photo of me doing one of the following: Taking a nap on the couch, trying to stay awake at a meeting, trying to stay awake at my desk, or trying to stay awake while playing video games. If they wanted a photo me in my younger years it could be of me missing a free throw, striking out or tripping in front of a girl. My team affiliation would be the Utah Bitters, and my Position would be Lying on the Couch.

Bitter Ben Stats on the Back of the Card:

Bitter Ben	GP	SO	FUM	AST	HIT	TRP	FLS	GLS	DFN	OFF	STL	PTS	BLK
1992	365	330	253	0	1032	85	13	1	185	335	35	8452	ALL
1993	365	365	287	1.5	1450	123	26	.05	235	1803	82	9542	ALL
1994	365	382	292	6.24	982	321	82	0	182	4500	125	9872	ALL

Here are the columns and the explanations of each stat:

GP (Games Played): How many times I participated in life that year.

SO (Strike outs) : How many times I struck out with girls

Fum (Fumbled opportunities): How many time I blew it with any kind of opportunity (job, car, girl) that year

AST (Assists): Helped anyone else with anything that year

HTS (Total Hits): Any physicals hit to the body, or any metaphorical hits to the ego

Trp (Total Trips): Trips on vacation + trips to the ER + trips on the carpet, etc.

Fls (Total Falls) : Times it was fall + times you fell + times I visited waterfalls

Gls (Total goals): Times you scored a goal in sports + times you met a goal

Dfn (Total defense): Times you blocked someone from scoring + times you got defensive with someone + times you defended yourself in court + times you defended yourself from someone else

OFN (Total offense) : Times you scored in a sport + times you offended someone + times you commited an offense

STL (Total Steals): Times you stole an object in a sport + times you stole something from someone or a store + times you stole someone’s girlfriend + times someone stole a girlfriend from you

PTS (Total Points): Times you scored a sports point + times you got pointed at + times you pointed at someone + times you made a point about something

BLK (Total Blocks): times you blocked a shot or goal + times you block someone on Social Media + times you blocked someone on the phone + the times you blocked someone from coming in your door or office

Additional stats might include number of blog posts, times avoided people, and meetings I sat bored in.

As you could imagine, my card would have to be bigger than the typical 2.5 inch X 3.5 inch card, not only because I’d have to fit 51 years of stats on there, but I’d have a lot more columns of things that I’ve failed at and need to be measured.

It’s important for me to have a collector card with all my important stats. I need one so I have an easy and convenient way to avoid talking to people. Upon meeting someone, I will shove my card in their hand and walk away. That person could then peruse my relevant stats at their convenience, and gage their interest in meeting. If they were interested in talking, they could negotiate a price and time of meeting with my agent. Simple, easy, saves time and hassle for me, and is inconvenient for them.

After you take time to peruse my stats, make sure to peruse my Bitter Friday Giftures..

When I was living in New York…

I asked him why that guy…

From then on, I assumed it was fine…

I discovered a complimentary hobby with baseball…

I tried to get my Reggie Jackson from chuck ups…

Baseball cards are important…

On the front…

On the back…

So I figured it would be smart for me…

That way I could hand them out…

And you could speak to my agent…

ARRRRGGHHHHH

Bitter Real Life Collector Cards Ben