Three years ago, I went to Scotland and became a Scottish Lord. I didn’t know that part of becoming a Scottish Lord, was all these Scottish Lord responsibilities. As a Scottish Lord, you are taken on a tour of the country, in which you must to visit all these historical royal castles and palaces, and visit the jails and crown jewels within the walls of the castles. You are also taken on a hunting trip on a lake called Loch Ness, in which you must track down the illusive Loch Ness Monster. I was also taken to a Daigon Alley, to track down a wizard named Harry Potter, that a Scottish Dark Lord named Voldemort was trying to destroy. If he did destroy this Potter fellow, then he would be the Scottish Dark King of the Wizarding community. I found no Harry Potter in Daigon Alley, but I was told it was because he was wearing this cloak to hide his presence. He was pretty invisible to me.

Two years ago, I went to San Antonio. The torturous heat and humidity got to me, and caused a rage fit, which caused me to start destroying other people’s property. After that I went to prison. I didn’t last long in prison, because an hour and a half later, I was plotting my breakout, and I escaped prison. They didn’t like that, so they put me in a dark room and made me watch a legendary hitman kill other hitmen for 3 and a half hours.

Fifteen years ago, I went to Hawaii. I was taken out on a boat, dropped in the ocean, and ended up swimming with the fishes.

In 2015, I was kidnapped, and held on another large boat. I was trapped out on the sea for three days, by a “Rat King” and until I paid a large ransom, they wouldn’t release me to dry ground.

Five years ago, I got stuck in a huge human trap set by a mouse. For four days, and four nights, my family was put into 4 different re-education camps in intensely sweltering hot conditions, and forced to walk long distances every day. My feet were blistered, and worn to the bones. We were forced to stand in long lines, and were observed by strange animals, chased by yeti’s and dropped in haunted elevators. Our kidnapper forced us to pay for the torture.

Many people would call these horrible, scary, torturous moments in my life “vacation”, but I call them horrible, scary, and tortorous moments.

Most people love traveling or vacationing. I see vacations as torture. My favorite vacation, is laying on the coach and falling asleep to TV. Some people would look on the positive side of all those vacations, and say, “You got to visit Scotland and see so many castles.” or “You got to go to Disney World and experience so many thrilling rides!” or “You got to go on a cruise for three days, or you got to go snorkeling in Hawaii.”

Those things are all correct. I did do those things. But nobody talks about how much work vacations are. Especially if you have kids. There is the planning, the saving up of money, the packing, and finally the executing. For instance, when you go on vacation, you have to travel. If you fly anywhere, you can minus out two days of enjoyment for the airline travel. Your first day of vacation always includes rushing to the airport early, running through security, cramming into a small airplane, and flying for 1-12 hours. That first day is shot, no matter when you get in. You are lucky to land, travel to your lodgings, get unpacked, and change from your sweaty clothes, before you might get dinner or a short dip in a pool.

Then, even though you want to sleep in the next day, because you are on vacation, your family is trying to cram every little bit of fun into 4 or 5 days, while also putting maximum effort into fighting. They are also busy drawing up plans to spend every last bit of the family trust, just so they can have a “memory” of a fun time. There is the rushing to complete every ride in an amusement park, while simultaneously “savoring the moments”. Getting in some relaxing, while simultaneously, having wall to wall experiences. Walking more in one day than you have your whole lifetime, and waiting in long lines just to experience a ride you didn’t want to go on. Enjoying fine cuisine while also getting sick from all the food you are eating.

I have a few good memories of those vacations, sure. But I have more memories of packing anxiety, travelling on cramped planes next to strangers for way too long, horrific airports, feet that hurt so bad that I never wanted to walk again, and memories of getting home and laying on the couch and wishing that was how I spent my vacation.

I still reminisce about being in Scotland, sure, but I also remember having to navigate insanely narrow roads while driving on the wrong side of the road and the care, on roundabouts with six different entrances. I enjoyed a few of the rides at Disney, but I also remember kids whining, wife asking where we should go, and standing in impossibly long lines for a ride that was two minutes long.

I have fond memories of going to San Antonio to spend time with my friends, but I also remember going to a rage room and being stuffed in a really hot costume, having the other three opt out, and me getting a huge bruise on my knee, when the metal bat rebounded off an oil drum onto my knee.

That being said, my daughter is on a mission right now, and when she comes home in December, she wants to go on a vacation as a family. She doesn’t want to do an “educational” trip, doesn’t want to go anywhere in the western part of the US, doesn’t want California, Florida, or Texas amusement parks. She requested something relaxing, like sitting on a beach, or whatever. It will be in winter, so it will probably need to be somewhere down south.

Knowing all that, and how bitter I am about most vacations, I would like to throw the question out to all of you. Where should we go on vacation in December? What are things that you can do in the place that your recommend?

While I’m waiting on your recommendations, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures…

Three years ago…

By paying $49.95…

As part of my Lord duties…

I also tracked down…

Went to Daigon Alley…

I guess the Scottish Dark Lord…

Turns out jail…

And me breaking other people’s property…

And being kidnapped on a boat having to pay a huge ransom…

The “Rat King”…

Swimming with the fishes…

Human trap…

Chased by a Yeti…

Horrible, scary, torturous moments…

Me in a dark room watching a legendary hitman…

That said…

ARRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Vacation Request Ben