What can I say about the number 52? According to Wikipedia, the most reliable source on the planet, 52 is:

• A composite number,
• a square prime,
• the 5th bell number,
• within an aliquot sequence of seven composite numbers
• and untouchable number
• a noncototient
• a vertically symmetrical number
• the number of cards in a standard deck of playing cards
• Ray Lewis wore it as his jersey number

In other words, 52 is the most boring number on the planet. At least the number 50 is cool because David Robinson wore it as his number, because it’s half a century, and because people usually start calling you over the hill when you turn that. When you are 52? People don’t even care you are over the hill anymore. You’re just an age.

Well, that’s where we are, people. Too old for anyone to care about you and too young to get a discount at a movie theater. Literally an age where no one cares.

It’s little more than a day for your family members to call and bug you.

The only pleasure I get at this age is making my annual list of things that make me bitter. The best part is adding another number to the list every year. Feel free to use this list as a deinspiration for your blogs. As Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker, “With great age comes great bitterness…so here is my list of 52 things to be bitter about:

1. Boring. As in, “I’m boring this hole in the ground.”
2. Basketball. As in, “I used to be able to play it and enjoy watching it and now…I don’t.”
3. Files. The problem that I’ve always had with files, whether in manilla form, or digital, is you can never find them when you need them.
4. Failure. They keep quoting stuff like “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” But I’ve failed over and over again, and I haven’t seen any achievements yet. When do those come again?
5. Inspirational quotes. I’d rather inspirationally quit.
6. Funnels. There is nothing fun about nels.
7. Venmo. They missed a huge opportunity by not calling it Benmo.
8. The name Ben. It makes me bitter that every other guy on Hallmark is named Ben, thus making it just a lazy romantic comedy name.
9. Russian nesting dolls. They must have come up with this idea because they couldn’t think of anything unique, so they just made dolls and then smaller, but exact versions of those dolls.
10. Hibernation. I can bearly handle the fact that I don’t get to do this every winter, summer, spring and fall.
11. Atlas’ses. They had a great business plan until Google Maps came along and ruined everything. By the way, did you know there was a Youtube video on how to use an Atlas? I guess for Zillenials?
12. Co-pay – It would be really funny if there was an action movie set within a hospital and the hero got punched by the villain and he paused and said, “You’re going to…co-pay for that!”
13. Tag managers – To run ads on Google, you might use a tag manager to help with links. I think this term would be better used as the person that is in charge of a game of tag.
14. Owner’s manuals – I think they should be called Owner’s Womanuals.
15. Fortress of Solitude – An interesting business idea that I have, in which introverts can hide out from friends, family and co-workers, where they could remain locked in a room where no one could bother them. Themed rooms include Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and the Batcave.
16. Carbon footprint – I’m trying to reduce mine by not moving off the couch.
17. Reading the Room – Some people are good at reading books, but not so good at reading rooms.
18. Musical Chairs – I keep hearing these exist, but I’ve never seen one that you can buy on Amazon.
19. The back scratch of impossibility – Why weren’t humans created to be able to scratch that one spot on their back?
20. Watermelons- How come there is no way to find out how good the biggest and most expensive fruit you get for family barbecues?
21. Botox – Is there a version for guys called Brotox?
22. Cohorts – Is it really that hard to just say group of people?
23. Inner Dialogues – At least mine shuts up every once in a while.
24. Transfer Portals – They were meant for college athletes, but they should be more for me to go to Hawaii.
25. Inception – If you fall asleep watching it, does that mean you dreamt the movie?
26. Gobots – Still waiting for the first movie in the GEU (Gobots Extended Universe).
27. Taser Face – Speaking of Extended Universes, why haven’t we seen a Taser Face movie yet? It would definitely be better than the Eternals.
28. Ultimate Frisbee – I’ve played Ultimate Frisbee and I have to say that it was only Mid Frisbee.
29. Plot Holes – My life is full of plot holes. My author needs to do some major edits.
30. The Luge – So athletes that do the Luge would be called Lugers (pronounced Losers?)
31. Hide and Seek – I’m more into a game called Hide and Hide some more.
32. Worst Seller’s List – I’m doing my best to get to the top of this list. The Best of the Worst.
33. Leg Day – I consider leg day when I walk to my car.
34. Stanley Nickels – In this economy, Stanley Nickels and Bitter Ben Bucks are the best investment.
35. Annoyance Canceling Headset – I wish my headset blocked out not just noise, but annoyance.
36. Scrolling – I’ve been so busy at work, it’s getting in the way of my TikTok Scrolling.
37. AARP – As a 52 year old, I’ve been more heavily recruited by the AARP than my son being recruited by football coaches.
38. Ratings – If I was rated as a video game, I would be rated I for Immature.
39. Bad Guy – I’m not a bad guy, I’m just written that way.
40. Pac Man – I realized that reason I hate Pac Man so much is because I’m claustrophobic.
41. Coaches – I love that life coaches, employ business coaches, that employ family coaches, that employ baseball coaches. So essentially they are just MLM’s but selling coaching.
42. Shoulder Blade – I have a couple of built in blades in case I get robbed at knife point.
43. ’73 Model – My body is a 1973 model that has been on concrete blocks since 1991.
44. Slides – I’m not sure why kids at the park have a problem when I’m trying to slide up slides.
45. Pictures – Pictures may be worth a thousand words, but most of them are repetitive and boring.
46. Bonus level – I keep waiting for the bonus level where I get the “surprise” mound of cash I was promised.
47. Brain Sunning – I’m trying to brainstorm right now, but all I’m getting is a Brain Sun.
48. Judgmental – If I ever get arrested and I have to appear before a Judge, I hope their name isn’t Judge Mental.
49. Human Repellant – Some would think this is a spray that keeps humans away, but this is just me talking to people. Almost as good as bug repellent, but doesn’t 100% work, because it doesn’t shut them up, just keeps them away.
50. Shapeshifting – I’ve been a shapeshifter for years. I shift a small amount of food into a great amount of weight on my stomach.
51. Burning Calories – I keep trying to burn calories, but it’s hard when the neighbors keep calling the fire department to stop me.
52. Emotional Support Animals – I prefer emotional support video games to lower my anxiety in public.

Ahhh….I just realized a single reason why 52 is significant. There are 52 weeks in a year. These 52 weeks can’t end soon enough.

ARRRGGGHHHH

Bitter 52 Reasons to be Bitter Ben