When I was younger, I was sold this really great lie that if you went to college, you would get a really good job afterwards. Yet there I was, post graduated, working at a movie theater. Don’t get me wrong, I liked working at the movie theater. I got free movies, free popcorn as I wanted, and I got to see all the bad acting I wanted. When I say bad acting, I meant my co-workers.

College was supposed to help me get a job that paid more that minimum wage though. I was single at that point, living in a college apartment and doing nothing with my life. In that really depressingly bitter era of my life, I went to a lot of movies. I found them a great place to disappear from the world for two hours while my depressing drama of a life was crumbling like the Nakatomi Plaza. I got so obsessed with getting away from my melodrama life, that I would go to Target every week and sit down at the magazine rack and read Entertainment Weekly’s box office reports to see how movies did.

I started slowing down on the movies when I got married, but I still went a couple of times a month. Sometimes my wife would go with me, but often I would go alone to a movie I knew she wouldn’t want to watch. I just always loved movies.

I loved movies for a lot of reasons. I loved Die Hard because John McClane took down a whole terrorist attack by jumping off a roof in slow motion, with a hose tied to his waist, while an explosion was going off in the background…while barefoot. That wasn’t the whole story, but it was enough to get me obsessed about going onto my roof a lot. I even liked tying hose ropes around my waist sometimes.

Despite the fact that I love seeing drama in movies, I do not like seeing drama in my life. Unfortunately, drama kings, queens, princes and princesses seem to find me.

I don’t understand how I always end up with co-workers that like drama. I prefer comedies, but comedic co-workers are as rare of a gem as a good comedy movie these days. Dramas at work in movies and TV, can be downright hilarious. Work Space, The Office, Brooklyn 99, Parks and Rec, are some of the best comedies out there. Workplace dramas in real life aren’t near as funny. I’m afraid my workplace drama would involve me avoiding co-workers 24/7 like Ron Swanson in his circular desk.

Just when you think workplaces are the only dramas, you end up going on social media and there is more drama, or comedy, depending on your perspective. I’ve realized that one kids pain is my comedic gain. I never genuinely laugh harder than when I see a kid falling down highlights clip. I might be the most evil schadenfreuded person in the world.

That goes for TV as well. My favorite new thing to watch on Netflix is Love is Blind, but in other places outside the US. Last night, we were watching Love Is Blind Sweden, and the cringe is even funnier when there is a voiceover. They must instruct the voiceovers to laugh maniacally like evil movie villains, because that is exactly how they sound to me.

Some of my nominees for Best Acting comes from people on social media pretending to have their lives together, while behind the scenes their lives are more pathetic than me in my post graduate era. Actually, I would nominate them for Worst Acting, because everyone can see that they pretend like they have their lives together on camera, but they are all falling apart at the seems behind the scenes.

I’ve had some pretty bad acting gigs at jobs I’ve done in the past. There have been jobs I’ve done, that I’ve had no business being at. I have a chronic disease called imposter syndrome, which causes me to avoid questions, and mumble a lot on jobs, just so I don’t get discovered for fraudulently taking money from companies while having no idea what I’m doing. My only saving grace from those bad acting jobs are that the bosses aren’t checking up on me.

Some of the worst actors out there are politicians. Many of them have degrees in theater, but they were so bad at acting, that they couldn’t even get Hollywood D list gigs. So Hollywood sent them to the minor leagues of acting, DC, and they were assigned to politician status. They were even bad at robbing banks, so they were assigned to robbing the American people of their taxes by corruption methods, since politicians wrote laws to give themselves raises and make themselves immune from corruption.

Though they aren’t good at speaking, they are good at hearing themselves talk, so those are the ones assigned to do the filibustering. They are also assigned to do media, but only with journalists who also suck at their jobs. We had to assign the most incompetent people to the government, so the rest of us could handle the “real” jobs.

All the world is a stage indeed. Unfortunately, the ones that should be offstage, are often onstage, and that is why this life that should be a comedy is such a drama.

As Jon Lovitz said in a Saturday Night Live Skit, “Actinnng!”

Before I go pretend that I know what I’m doing so I can get paid, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures to help you forget that I suck at this…

Yeah college…

College helped me…

By getting me free movies…

Since I was doing so well…

Movies were a great place…

I was so obsessed with movies…

I loved movies like Die Hard so much…

Some people go to movies…

I never did, because I get to see acting…

I also get to see acting everyday…

And everyday in our…

If I wanted to see bad acting…

ARRRGHGGGHHGHAH

Bitter Acting! Ben