I’ve played video games my whole life. One of my favorite games when I was younger was Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!! (I only do that with two exclamation points because that is how it appeared on the cartridge). It was one of those games where at the lower levels it was really fun and almost too easy, but the more you played it, the more impossible it became. There were definitely patterns to how you boxed with people, but I never actually beat Mike Tyson. It was hard enough to get to him, but beating him was really hard, and I didn’t have the patience for it.

As a result, Mike Tyson is still the champ to my Little Mac. Crazily enough, Mike Tyson turned into a philosopher when asked about Evander Holyfield’s fight plan against him. Tyson said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” That has absolutely been true for me throughout my life. Which is why I don’t really make plans.

I used to make a lot of plans, until I realized over and over again, that plans NEVER work. Just ask the Scooby Doo Detective Agency.

I planned to go to college, get a degree in World Domination, live in castle and take over the world and make you all my servants. Only one of those things happened, (the degree in World Domination) but there weren’t any job openings in World Dominating, so I had to settle for a job in telemarketing. I’m also not living in a mansion, and I’m still waiting for some servants to bring me some Fruity Pebbles and milk.

I eventually lowered my expectations to taking over the country, and then just the state, then to just ruling over my kids, but even they don’t listen to me. I’ve asked them multiple times to start work on my castle, and they still have not once, brought me breakfast in bed. In fact, they now tell me that they want to live in my house, and can I make them something for dinner? See how plans never work out?

Back to Mike Tyson. If I were in a hypothetical fight with him, I would first require that the $60 million I got for fighting him be deposited into my account 6 months before the fight, so I could enjoy the last 6 months of my life, living it up. I would also make sure it was before April 15th, so I would never have to pay taxes on my earnings.

As far as the fight goes, I would finally understand the meaning of hitting the wall, when I tried to punch him. It’s bad enough trying to box with my son, who is already pure strength and power. Hitting my Tyson would be the very definition of hitting a wall.

Andy Bernard from the Office understands what it means to the wall. Literally hit the wall. Right before he entered anger management, he got mad enough to punch his fist into the wall…twice.

I’ve never physically assaulted a wall, and a wall have never hit me, but I’ve reached many points in my life where I did many metaphorical walls. There have been many trips on my way home from work, where I could only restrain myself until I got into my car, before I put on some Lincoln Park and started screaming at the top of my lungs.

My wife can attest that when I was younger, sports made me hit walls. One time when I was watching a Spurs game, and they made a horrible play, I actually threw one of my pillows against the wall and put a little dent in it. I realized that I was time for me to step away from the game and go jump on a trampoline. What I didn’t even know until later was the Spurs actually won that game. How dumb did my little temper tantrum feel then? Pretty stupid. My wife immediately put a stop to those shenanigans the first time she saw me do that.

There are days when I get so tired at work, I can’t focus and I hit the wall. I do anything I can to avoid hitting the wall, because hitting walls is stupid.

Walls can be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on which side of them you. If you are on the inside of a wall, it’s a good thing. Walls on my house are great. They keep out the bees, and mosquitos and cold air, and bright lights and annoying neighborhood kids.

On the other hand, if you are outside walls, they are exclusionary. Walls keep me out of concerts, basketball games, castles and exclusive parties. Luckily, I don’t like parties, and there are very few concerts I want to go to. On the other hand, my dream of watching a basketball game in a castle has not been fulfilled yet.

Some relationship experts think that we need to be vulnerable and let our walls down with the peopel we are in a relationship with. What they don’t understand is that we need walls. Walls to keep all the bad people out. I will never take my walls down for anyone. If they want in, they can get a key and look inside and find the skeletons in my closet, but this castle isn’t open for everyone and for permanent residence. I run this castle, no matter how dysfunctional it is.

What is the moral of the wall story? Walls are necessary to keep the bad guys (and mosquitos) out. It sucks when a place is being protected by a wall, so get a key, pay some money, dig below or jump above, because hitting a wall hurts and is painful. Whatever you do, don’t hit a Mark Wahlberg.

Speaking of hitting a wall, I think I’ve punched this subject in the face a little too much, so let’s turn the time over to the Bitter Friday Giftures for rest of the evening…

My experience with Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!!…

And when I faced Mike head on…

To this day…

Mike Tyson taught me about plans…

Just ask the Scooby Doo Agency…

Definitely ask Ethan Hunt…

Walls are good…

Walls are also good…

When you get to the wall…

Dig below…

Or Climb above…

Just don’t try to…

ARRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Hitting the Wall Ben