Back in the early 2000’s, before I had raging headaches and monster debt (known as my kids), we went on a trip to the Bahamas. I thought it would be a dream tropical vacation, because I saw James Bond there once. Then I discovered the Bahamas was just a third world country with one nice beach resort hotel. Which is kind of crazy, because it is literally 50 miles off the coast of Florida. I used to commute that far for work. We basically got on a plane with one propeller and landed before we could fasten our seatbelts.

The worst part was airport lady that inspected our things stole my wife’s expensive hairspray she just purchased for the trip. Ten minutes later, we saw her using the hairspray like my wife just bought it for her as a gift.

The one thing the resort did have was a lazy river, the best I’ve ever been in. The problem is that everyone wanted to do things on our vacation, which I thought a vacation was supposed to get away from. Whenever we left to do things, we were bombarded by people asking if we wanted to “become a Bahama Mama” by braiding our hair for $1 a braid. I’m surprised the lady didn’t pull out my wife’s hairspray. No, I didn’t want them to braid my hair or turn me into a Bahama Mama.

The other thing I didn’t like about it was that it was a tiny island. In the middle of the ocean. In the Bermuda triangle. If you are over the age of 5, you’ve probably heard the legend of the Bermuda Triangle. It is this legend that many planes and boats have mysteriously disappeared and never heard from again. I think it’s where all my lost things go. Growing up, I thought the Bermuda triangle consisted of a few islands near Bermuda. According the most reputable source I could find, Wikipedia, the three points of the triangle are Florida, Puerto Rico and Bermuda. If you’ve never seen Bermuda on a map, go look it up. It basically all on its own in the middle of the ocean.

If I were Bermuda, I would be kind of angry at the other two parts of the triangle. Bermuda is out here thinking why doesn’t Florida get more of the blame for all these lost things? I’m just a tiny island out here, trying to exist, and entice people to come to my tropical island, because its our only money maker and Florida, who is part of the triangle is getting away with murder while I’m getting blamed for it. It gets to be attached to the United States. It’s got other interests like sports, and Disney World, and the Space Shuttle and alligator tourism. Why can’t it shoulder some of the blame?

And what about Puerto Rico? They are clearly rich, (the name Puerto Rico literally mean Rich Port in English) and surrounded by a bunch of other islands that are just a long jump away, according to my calculations on Google Maps. They have Dominican Republic, Haiti, Jamaica, Cayman Islands, Cuba and Bahamas to the west, the Virgin Islands, Montserrat, Dominica, St. Lucia, Barbados, Grenada, and Trinidad and Tobago to their southeast. On top of that, they are a commonwealth of the United States. They even get to vote and stuff.

Then there is tiny, forsaken, lonely guy hanging out in right field, Bermuda. All alone in the middle of the ocean. And yet, the two other bullies of the Triangle, name it after Bermuda, like it is all Bermuda’s fault that people are missing. Kind of reminds me of any time I’m stuck in a triangle at a party. All of a sudden the only two people I knew at the party, start talking to each other and leave me in the corner alone, blaming me for the loss of fun at the party.

I feel you, Bermuda. It wouldn’t be so bad being Bermuda, being all alone, if it weren’t for the blame.

Come to think about it, wouldn’t it be fun to be the Lost and Found Guy in Bermuda? You’ve got all these missing ships, leaving all this pirate gold on your island, and if they don’t come back and claim it in 30 days, we reserve the right to take it home and deposit it in a safe place called my bank account. The best part is no one is going to claim it, and no one wants to visit Bermuda of its loser image. What you don’t realize is that everything you’ve ever lost is in Bermuda right now. They have my wallet from my senior year, my first baseball glove from when I was living in New York, and all the loves I lost. Sucks to be them. Wait a minute, they are on a tropical island, sipping cold drinks. Maybe it doesn’t suck to be them. ARRGHGGH.

It would suck to be a math student in Bermuda. Every year, the only math they ever learn is geometry, but only a really specific part of geometry. “Class, take out your books and turn to page 45. Today, we are going to learn how to measure the area of a triangle,” the teacher’s say. Students groan constantly because they’ve been learning about triangles since they were 4 years old. A student raises his hand and says, “Can we learn about those, um, you know, things with 4 sides?” and the teacher would say, “WE…do not talk…about FOUR SIDED THINGS IN OUR CLASS! Now sit down, Pythagorean. We have a lot to cover about triangles.”

The reason why you don’t hear about famous Bermudian math students winning math contests all over the world, is because they ONLY dominate the Triangular Scene. They struggle with any other type of shape. As soon as the square equations come out, they lose in spectacular fashion. In fact, some of the naughty kids in school call the other kids square, and teachers send them to detention, suspend them, or call their parents for saying such a horrible swear word.

Whenever I’m feeling lost, I get sent to Bermuda. I wish I felt lost more often. Although if I pretend like I’m feeling lost right now and can’t figure out a way to finish my Bitter Friday Giftures…then maybe I could end up in Bermuda? Think lost thoughts, think lost thoughts…

My kids haven’t given me much over the years…

In the Bahamas I spent a lot of time trying to avoid…

Getting to the Bahamas…

It’s also a great way to…

The problem was that I wanted to spend every day like this…

I always didn’t like the feeling…

As we know…

Which means the Lost and Found in Bermuda…

Pirate gold must appear…

In addition to…

In addition to the baseball glove…

I’m glad all my lost loves…

Wait a minute…

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Bermuda Triangle Ben