Here’s a controversial statement. I’ve never read the Lord of the Rings. I’ve also only seen the Fellowship of the Rings once, the extended version, and I was so bored that I started calling it Lord of the Borings.

I realize that some people will never forgive me for saying those words. That’s fine. There is a reason why they call me the Revengerman. I WILL get my revenge whether it is now, this weekend or in 20 years, but I will get back at you, and it will be double, triple, or 10 X worse. In fact, right now, I’m in the middle of 20 different revenge plots, one of which I’m finishing up today with, that will complete my revenge against a kindergartner that stole my glue. It’s quite elaborate and cunning and he doesn’t know it’s coming. I’ll tell you this, though. He will regret ever taking my glue. Trust me, you will regret it like that the guy that painted Chefs on the Chiefs end zone in the Snickers commercial. Or the guy that got the tattoo that said No Regerts.

Or the guy that messed with Optimus Prime at the end of every Transformers movie. Or the deadly viper squad that messed with Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill. Are we clear? Great.

The point is that in one of the the Lord of the Borings movies there is this thing called the Eye of Sauron. I understand the eye of Sauron had the great power of a micromanagement. If that is the case, how is the Eye of Sauron any stronger than a boss, parent, or governmental agency? Just like the boss, parent or Government agency, the Eye of Sauron is my nightmare. I see why the eye is so menacing. Because it stares at you over your shoulder when you are on your computer.

I can barely stand it why someone looks at my screen at work for more than 5 seconds. Not that I’m not watching YouTube all the time instead of working, or that I use “productivity” apps on my computer so I can take more naps at work, it’s just that when someone is staring at me or over my shoulder, I find that incredibly unnerving.

Imagine if someone constantly followed you around with the Eye of Sauron, and watched your every move. Or if when you were trying to date a farmer and become his wife, and someone followed you around with the Eye of Sauron and watched your every awkward interaction with the farmer. Or you turned on the Eye of Sauron and did dances in your living room, or makeup tutorials or GRWM’s (Get Ready With Me) and then put the Saurecordings up on a website called Trowel Tok and it had a comment section where random people could say whatever horrible thing they wanted to say about you.

You don’t need to imagine that because there are people that LIKE the Eye of Sauron to follow them around. In fact, a lot of them have their boyfriends hold the Eye of Sauron for them while they do things. Some of them like to use filters on the Eye of Sauron so they look a little more flattering to the people who micromanage or watch their every move.

There is even on filter that the Eye of Sauron has that can make you look like Taylor Swift. Thankfully, I avoid the Eye of Sauron, because I would look quite hideous as a blonde, young female that is starring at the Super Bowl this weekend.

Since I’ve never seen the Eye of Sauron in the movies, I assume that the eye of Sauron has special powers like Superman or Dr. Evil’s Sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. The world of the Lord of the Rings looks really cold, so having an Eye of Sauron around would actually be nice for those nights when you just don’t have enough time to find firewood or kindling and you just need some warmth after skiing Mount Doom or Mount Gundabad.

I suppose the Eye of Sauron could come in handy for me at work when it gets a little cold in the office. As long as your boss doesn’t get a hold of it and use it to monitor your work. Then they might see that I’m in fact, not working hard, but hardly working, if I may borrow a phrase from the LODJ (League of Dad Jokes).

I think the Eye of Sauron could come in handy in home maintenance as well, especially for dads that need help mowing their lawns. Instead of having to cut your lawn every week, the Eye of Sauron could just laser cut it down to the roots. Just make sure the setting on the Eye is a lot lower, otherwise, we might be in for another summer of forest fires. And if the Eye of Sauron has any allergies, make sure to give it Zyrtec, because it provides 24 hours of indoor and outdoor allergy relief for you and your family.

And if the Eye of Sauron gets too hot and starts a fire, make sure to get your Eye of Frodo out to fight the fires with the Eye of Frodo tears. The Eye of Frodo is also really good at blinking nervously, avoiding the eye of contact and has the need of the Eye of Corrective Lenses.

Eye see that you are probably getting tired, so we will proceed with looking for some Bitter Friday Giftures that are appropriate for the occasion…

Many say that the Lord of the Rings idea…

Since I have no imagination…

Which means…

Which means…

Until the extended version of the first one came out….

It was so boring…

But I heard about this eye…

And I thought that…

Who would want to be watched…

I can’t imagine what kind of people love…

Or that would film themselves…

Just make sure use Zyrtec so your…

Bitter “Eye of Sauron” Ben