I’ve talked about this many times before, but I use my headphones as an amour against the world. Only the most oblivious or brave people interrupt someone typing away at their keyboard when wearing a set of headphones. In the movie The Social Network, Eduardo was told not to interrupt Zuckerberg because he was “wired in”. I call it being jacked into the Matrix, but to each their own.

What I fail to realize is that all year long, when I’m on my headphones, I don’t want to listen to the ringing of my ears, so I tend to listen to something. I listen to music, podcasts, or even books on tape (..uh, or CD, or um streaming…I don’t know), and I do it all on Spotify. On Wednesday, someone brought up in our morning meeting that Spotify Wrapped just came out. If you don’t know what that is, it’s Spotify, the app where you can stream music for free (or get Premium and not have to listen to commercials). At the end of the year, they give you a wrap up of the year, including what your most listened to songs were, what kind of genre’s you listened to, and how many minutes you listened.

Spotify Wrapped is really intriguing to me. I’m very predictable, so I knew exactly who my top artist, top song, who my top 10 would be. Some people are surprised by the stats, because they have an eclectic taste in music and their playlist is diverse. There was this other phenomenon this year that not even my predictability could match. That, of course, was the Swifties. I guarantee you, there are a trillion people, insects, bugs, earthworms, and tigers that had TSwift as their most listened to artist of the year and it wasn’t even close. I’m a Swiftie Dad, meaning, I want to be able to relate to my daughter.

After they tell you your top 10 and send you a message from the artist that was your Top listen of the year, they assign you an “identity”. Mine was, of course, a Time Traveler, meaning, I listen to my favorites over and over again. I listened to my top song 251 times. Good gracious. Believe me when I say this though. I’ll only listen to my favorites that much. That stupid crap they play on the teen stations sends me into a rage after I hear them only two times.

I always thought it was cool how Spotify kept track of all your listening habits, and wrapped them up in a nice, neat bow for you at the end of the year. But then I started to realize something. They seem to know an awful lot about me. They kept sending me little playlists that had a lot to do with what I was doing that week. They knew I liked Transformers, basketball, video games, and laying on the couch.

What other secrets do they know about me?

I’m not really sure, but I think they might be stalking me. When I was coming into work the other day, I was all alone, and it was dark, and I swear there was something in bushes in the back of our parking lot. I turned and looked, and something that appeared to be a green circle with three curvy lines going through it was moving. I’m sure it was nothing, but then I heard the Peter Gabriel song, “In Your Eyes” and it looked like it was holding a boom box over its head. Maybe I was just dreaming.

I’m sure it’s nothing.

But then when I sat down for the day, and needed to use my phone for a minute, my headphones floated on my head. And then Spotify started up, and started playing music from a playlist called Don’t take Off Your Headphones or I’ll Kill You. Weird name for a playlist, I thought, but the music was great. When I tried to leave for the day, my headphones were stuck to my head, but it only took 20 minutes to get them off. Things were fine after that. Except that I kept hearing these songs in my head from that playlist. And then when I got home, my son said that he wanted to get Spotify Premium because he couldn’t stand to hear commercials when he was on Spotify. We told him that he needed to wait until Christmas, but he acted possessed by the devil and he was like, “I need it now! Or I can’t lift weights!”

We got it for him right then, because wow, kid, chill. It was a weird day, but I’m sure it’s nothing. Anyways, Spotify Wrapped is your chance to look back at the year. Not unlike Bitter Friday Giftures. It’s a way to look back at your week, or year. Here’s your Bitterfied Friday Giftures Wrapped in a bow for you…

This is the universal sign for…

Headphones are my…

The best way…

The sign that says…

Or…

In those blissful moments of headphonery…

And Spotify…

Because it has been…

It knows what phases you went through…

When someone…

And when you…

And yet, just like a girlfriend you can’t quit…

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Bitterfy Wrapped Ben

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