The weather people in Utah spent all last summer moaning and complaining about the apocalyptical drought we were going through. They warned us to stop watering our lawns and demanded that we stop drinking unless we were on drop from dying of dehydration. We were assured if we brushed our teeth and let the water run, or took showers longer than two minutes, the police would knock down our doors and arrest us for excessive water use.

They said the Salt Lake was drying up and animals were dying. Lake Powell, Bear Lake and Flaming Gorge would need to banish boating. They promised that by next summer we would be the Saraha desert and living in a Mad Max dystopian world scrapping for morsels of water.

Then a funny thing happened this winter. Snowpacalypse. We got records amounts of snow in November and December. Every ski resort reported 200 to 300% more snowpack than any time in our history. But the weather people said, “Don’t get too excited though. We’re not out of this drought yet.”

Then we set records for snow in January and February. Skiers were skiing off roofs. They couldn’t go to the resorts because the roads had too much snow. The weather people were now reporting 2000 or 3000% snowpack. Again, they warned, “We are excited about all this snow in our mountains. But we aren’t out of the drought yet. The real sign will be how much snow is in the spring. But we are cautiously optimistic that we might get there eventually.”

March set more records, and we officially had the most snow since they started recording snow in April. The weatherpeople flipped like a flapjack to “We are going to have floods the likes of which Noah never even saw! However, please make sure you are conserving water and not taking long showers!”

Weather people are never happy. Even on a perfect 72 degree day, they will point out that there was a cloud in the sky and you should baton down the hatches, because they see a ginormous storm developing somewhere on the other side of the sun.

Because of all the snow piling up, then the Noah-like floods coming, our roads are developing a skin condition called potholes. Our reward for curing the drought from last summer and overdoing it by flooding the state, is a summer full of not being able to drive anywhere because the road is full of zits that popped.

It’s fine though. Every story, even the 2022-2023 Utah weather story, has potholes and plotholes.

My story though? It’s such a bad story that you could drive a pothole through the plot holes.

My life doesn’t make any sense. There are a bunch a twists and turns, (none of them good) but none of them make sense. There are a bunch of dead ends that never resolved. The plot holes in my story are as bad as the last season of Game of Thrones. I’ve never seen Game of Thrones, but from what I hear, the last season is full of plot holes.

Someday when I get really old, I’m going to write my life story. My dad is doing one right now, and he hates writing and honestly, his story isn’t that interesting. My life is boring, but I love writing, so I’ve got two choices with my boring story. I’m either going to have to make up or embellish a bunch of stuff, or tell the truth and have a boring story full of plot holes.

You know which one I’m going to make up, write. It’s going to be the interesting one. My grandkids and great grandkids are going to be in a world of AI and Tik Tok 2.0, so I’m going to have to stitch a bunch of Tik Tok short, video-like stories.

I’m going to have to pump a bunch of epic weather people-like hyperbiology into my life story. The floods are going to have to be Noah-like. The weak snowstorms are going to have to be The Day After Tomorrow.

My life is so boring that even my mind has to add details or it will fall asleep.

Let’s get hyperbolic up in here. We’ve got some plotholes to fill…

Speaking of things we need to fill in here, let’s get to the Bitter Friday Giftures…

If yesterday was a little windy…

My kids need to think…

I had to drive through this…

Hey grandkids…

This was me…

I bearly made it out of the forest…

I barely made it out…

This was your great grandfather…

This is me working…

Buying…

Giving money…

And this is me…

I’m not sure how to cover up all the plot holes in a story I make up, but you can be assured that in my life story, all the plot holes will be covered, every boring thing will be interesting and my grandkids will think they are related to one of the best people in history.

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Plot Hole Filler Ben