Electric Blue Bitterness

I’ve spent most of my life trying to spread bitterness like most people spread frozen butterness on their toast. Just like the spreaders of butter on toast, it’s hard work and it rarely works out how I want it to. After spreading bitterness for almost 50 years, I finally decided to make the world better in one small way.

You’re probably familiar with these ancient cars from the 2010th century called gasoline cars that require you to go to gas station centers (they look like charging stations, but instead of pumping electricity they pump out this gas smelling gas). At these stations, you get the privilege of jamming a hose into the side of your car and pumping in toxic chemicals made of beets and kale that run your car. In exchange, you are allowed the privilege of paying Maverick or Conoco or 7-11 your weekly paycheck plus gratuity and all your next week’s paycheck.

That system worked for a while. However, I was getting very concerned when gas prices skyrocketed like the jet fuel in a skyrocket a few years ago. I felt like I had to do something in order to not go broke. Luckily, my neighborhood offered a really great solution.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of these new cars that came out recently, but they are called Telsa’s and they are electric. They don’t require any gas, except when you’re low on electricity and no electrical outlets are available. Then, you can just go into a gas station, top off and you cand drive to Mars and back on a quarter tank of gas.

The problem is that Tesla’s are really expensive. They cost like $10,000 or some insane price like that. I’m like, “What do you think, I work in a bank and can steal $10,000 to buy a new Tesla?” I work at a supplement company. I can steal supplements I guess, but who wants to buy a bunch of Alpha Lipoic Acid? They’re legal. People only want illegal stuff. Unless it cures cancer or gives you energy, no one is going to buy $10,000 worth of supplements.

Back to the neighborhood solution. We have so many people (4) in our neighborhood that drive Tesla’s that Elon Musk decided to come to our HOA meeting (my wife is on the board) on a SpaceX rocket. He said the meeting was so boring, that he started a company named after it called the Boring Company. He got the idea for the company from our landscapers when they were boring holes into the ground. He got the idea from our landscapers when they were aerating holes into our grass. He was going to call it the Aeration Company, but I said that was boring. He decided to name the company the Boring Company.

Then, he got to the real reason why he was at the meeting. He said that he would like to offer us a neighborhood Tesla discount, because so many people bought them. He said everyone would have to buy one, but if we all did, we would get them for $9,999.99 plus tax, which is a huge discount down from the original $10,000. That’s like a 90% discount. Let’s just say, I was pumped…not to be pumping gas anymore.

Before Elon got back on his rocket to Mars, I asked if he would autograph my Twitter account, and he was nice enough to sign his name then put a blue checkmark next to my name. I felt so verified.

The most important part of his visit was the discount. I could finally pass by the gas station with glee every week… and I would have…if I didn’t crave those wrinkly hot dogs on the metal rollers so much. Other than the daily visit for the hot dogs, I never visit gas station anymore…unless I had to fill up my wife’s car. She didn’t want a Tesla, because she figured we might have to take a trip that was farther than 50 miles and there aren’t any plugs in the desert.

Anyways, I’m so super proud of my new Tesla that I wanted to post a picture of it, not because I’m better than you, but because, well I’m just much more aware of how great I am and just wanted to post a picture that represented me being better than you.

Also, I just wanted to make you jealous.

The best part is I got it in baby blue, which is not my favorite color, and not a great color overall, but it was what was in stock. Jealous much?



Bitter Electric Blue Ben


7 thoughts on “Electric Blue Bitterness

  1. Hi Ben! I see you sprinkled glitter FOR ONCE on your blog! But, alas it was April Fools day. I thought hell froze over and you came to visit from the dark side to my side which is full of rainbows and unicorns. Congrats on your car! I love that baby blue color! 🙂


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