I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but when it comes to the DC Universe, there are two Co-Alpha Dogs. The two of them are so strikingly different, that they would be on par with how different my two kids are.

You know the two I’m talking about. Superman and Batman. Before all the epic DC vs. Marvel Universe movie competitions came out, they were only two superheroes to have big Hollywood movies. It’s why everyone wanted Superman vs Batman and Justice League to be good so badly.

Because they are so different, many people choose one over the other. When it comes to choosing either Batman or Superman, most purists would go with Batman. They love that he has no superpowers, and that he is just a normal, everyday super rich CEO that wants to save the people of one city drowning in corruption, Gotham. They love that he broods in his Batcave because of his dead parents, has a Batmobile and sneaks around in the middle of the night (because he has a job during the day). They love that he’s called the Dark Knight, which is when he skulks around, in the dark night. He was made for shadows and darkness and mystery and illusions, which he uses to his advantage when it comes to scaring criminals. He fights really quirky villains like the Joker, the Penguin and Calendar Man. You would think I like him more because the daylight is too bright, and I’m a knight owl. But you’d be wrong.

I love the Superman. He has some dead parents too, but they were because of the whole destruction of the planet thing. He grew up on earth thinking he was a normal earthling, living in a small town (called creatively Smallville), with just a few hints that he might be an alien and superpowered. (The alien spaceship in the barn was one of the hints.) He has ALL the superpowers. You name it, he probably has it. Flight. Check. Invulnerability. Check. Laser eyes. Check. Freeze breath. Yep. Strength. Check. Super Hearing. Check. See through walls? Yep. Super hearing. Invisibility? He’s the only one that can see Harry Potter when he’s got the cloak, so he uses the Invisibility Cloak from time to time. Yeah. He’s got it all. And he is super good at disguises. He puts on his Harry Potter glasses and no one can tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman. He’s that good. Some people don’t like that he is good at everything and doesn’t have to try. I happen to love that most about him.

How do I relate to Batman, though? He’s rich, I’m not. He works way too hard. He does a lot of overtime, especially at Knight. He loves hanging out with criminals at nightclubs. He broods. Okay, I do have that in common with him. But my parents are still alive, and they still nag me from time to time.

And Gotham? Not my kind of town. I prefer the suburbs.

Superman/CK doesn’t have to work hard to beat criminals. He’s a writer for a newspaper. I’m no journalist, but I love writing. He only works “as a cover”. He’s not even that good of a reporter, and really doesn’t have ambitions to work up to being a head writer like Lois. He will probably never become the head of a major corporation like Batman. He fights really strong people during the day, and gets a lot of praise for what he’s doing. And he can be alone anytime he feels like it. Having a stressful day at the Daily Planet? Fly to Mars for lunch and be back in time for the presses to roll. Chill on Jupiter for your morning break. As long as he can still see the sun, he’s got enough juice to make it til 5 pm.

Supes does have a few potential headaches. A few friends/rivals survived the destruction of his planet Krypton. There was his cousin Kara, who would eventually become Supergirl, and Zod and a few of his buddies. The reason why Zod survived was because he was sent to the Phantom Zone a little bit before Krypton exploded.

Most people know that the Phantom Zone was a prison for Kryptonians that committed crimes against Kryptmanity. It’s basically Azkaban or Shawshank. The most secure and unescapable prisons ever, where the only people that ever escape are the “special ones” that are important to the plot.

Andy Dufresene had to escape from Shawshank, because he didn’t commit the crimes he was accused of and he never should have been there. It was also important that his friend Red had some hope when he got out, so he could find the money Andy left him, so he could go cross the border to Mexico, where the they could continue to be criminals that live a life on the beach, not ever being caught for the crimes because I guess in Mexico they don’t?

Sirius Black had to escape Azkaban, because it was important that he tell Harry in person, at Hogwarts, that he was his Godfather, and he was framed by Wormtail. He had to get out so he could go into hiding, appear as a bunch of coals in a fire for one scene, and remain in hiding for the rest of his short life, just so he could get killed one book, uh year later.

In Superman’s story, it was important for Zod to escape from the Phantom Zone, so he could come to earth, and overpower earthlings, and terraform Krypton over the earth. He also needed to have Kal-El join him in taking over earth, and when he disagreed, he needed to conquer him. Superman needed Zod out of the PZ, so he could protect the planet and humanity by only destroying 3/4 of Downtown Metropolis and most of Smallville. And so Batman would be mad at him for the Batman Vs. Superman sequel.

I guess I can understand why Zod wanted to leave the Phantom Zone. Because he had a drive and a purpose or something?

I don’t know what it takes to be sent to the Phantom Zone, but I’m going to figure it out. I have drive and ambition too, but in a different way. My life is spent finishing things, so I can relax. My favorite moment of the day is when I finish everything, at work or at home, and then I can sit in a chair and stare at the TV for hours, not thinking of anything. The whole reason I work is so I can get to that moment or 10 when I don’t have to.

The Phantom Zone is full of criminals and villains trying their hardest to get out, when I just want to be let in. They would be so distracted with all of them wanting to get out, that that they would just leave me alone with the remote. Can you imagine what kind of channels are on the cable system in the Phatom Zome? Probably ones we’ve never heard of. And imagine how great their video games would be. And I bet the snacks are amazing. I assume the Lazyboy recliners are off the hook in a technological place like the Phatom Zone. It seems SuperPeaceful to me.

I appreciate Superman working so mediocrily on saving the earth, but I think he should be spending more of his time protecting a gem like the Phantom Zone.

ARRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Phantom Zone Ben