There are a lot of things that I am, but one of the things I’m not is a demanding person. If you are a customer service rep, you want my name to pop up on your caller ID, because this is going to be an easy call. If you are my family, you know I will ask for a few things every year or two, but I never demand. If you’re my cable TV, you know when I pick up the remote, I’m going to scroll through the channels, but only the ones available. I’m definitely not going to watch anything on “demand”.
That is why this post is going to come as a shock to you guys, because I’m not asking you do something. I’m demanding it. It isn’t for me and it’s for your own good though. It’s for my favorite blogger friend, C. Miller who has spent most of her lifetime writing novels. She has at least 70 novels, that I know of, in various stages of pre-production, production and post-production.
About 5 years ago, she was kind enough to release the first two books of a 4-part series about a teen girl living in a dangerous world of Reapers (assassins) who just wants to be invisible, but everyone around her keeps trying to force her out of her world of invisibility. Sounds a lot like me. Give me an invisibility cloak and I’d be quite happy.
C. Miller spent the last year, toiling away in her own obscurity and invisibility, powering away on her typewriter like a keyboard champion so she could re-edit the first two books, Reave, and Elude, with all new covers, and special edition new words. On top of that, two days ago, she released the third book in her masterpiece series, called Ascend. If that were not good enough news for everyone, the final book in the quadrilogy, To Fall is coming out on April 4th, which means…by April 4th, you could have read all three triquel books and be ready to read the epic conclusion. That, my bitter associates, lovers of reading, is reading nirvana, word bliss, perusal paradise.
So today, while you are on Amazon looking at stupid things like another pair of headphones, or thinking of buying another pair of exercise shorts that we all know you aren’t going to use, I demand you instead use all that money to buy her books instead.
To show you how good of a value that is, let’s do some math. For the low price of $12.99, $14.99, and $18.99, you can the three first books right now, which are 404, 460, and 605 words each. For $46.97 you get three books with a total of 1,469 pages, which is only $.03 per page. But that is just the pages. If you break it down into words, it’s an even better value. The average novel is about 300 words per page. If you break that down into words, it’s so low, it’s like she’s paying you. That is $0.0001 which, means less than a haypenny. Don’t even make me calculate how many letters in those three books. Like Michael Scott would say, “That’s incalculable.” That isn’t even calculating the fourth book, which is 615 pages. My head explodes just thinking how good of a value that is.
Compare that to how much your energy bill is every month. And all that does is keep you warm for a month. The warmness that comes from these books last you forever.
The nice part is she organizes all those words into sentences FOR you. She even throws in things like sentence structure, paragraphs, chapters, character development, and logical inner thoughts. By the time you get to the end, you will be transformed from just existing to a person that will do good in the world. Look at me. When I read the first book, I was just a lowly 41-year-old, existing at a dumb customer service job, with a struggling blog. By the time April 4th comes around, I will be 5 days from being 50 and I’m the author of the World’s Best Bitter Blog according to Bitter Entertainment Network’s Top Bitter Blog’s in the World (post pending).
If that’s not enough, I promise every person that buys it on Amazon Kindle, I will sign it. Just send me your Kindle, a SASE, and $300 for return shipping, and at least 50% of the time, you will get it back and maybe signed. Alternatively, you could just have her sign it, because you know, they’re her books. But you’ll have to work out the details with her.
If you need time to figure it out, you could wait, but I don’t recommend it. The Amazon Kindle sales are selling out fast, and the paperbacks are too. So, no pressure, but if you don’t buy your copy soon, you will be sad and lonely for the rest of your life. C. Miller’s novels have the power of organized words. Did I mention that her Book 1 in a new series called The Light Between Stars is coming in May?
Goodness sakes, people. You have a lot of reading in your future.
I should also mention that she has a webpage and an email newsletter that she will send out occasionally, so you can get even more news about her next 70 novels coming out, when she decides to allow you more novels. Look to the right and I’ll have the links up permanently.
As I said, I don’t demand very much, but for this, I insist you buy all her novels. My decision is final. Now go to your room. And buy these and read them. You are grounded until you finish them.
Bitter Demanding Ben
4 thoughts on “My Hostage Demands”
Way to use your powers for good instead of evil )
I used them for my own nefarious purposes that are hidden from the view of the public.
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Being merely a lowly Bitter Follower and Bitter Apprentice, I am in no position to make any demands here. Only meek, humble requests. But I do wish to let everyone know that, like C. Miller, I am a novelist—albeit a far less prolific one: the combined total number of books I have in pre-production, production and post-production is 1. All these books are entitled REVOLUTION, all are available from Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09VG3SHKB), and all are a satirical, cynical take on modern everyday life (the kind of material that might appeal to somebody who enjoys Ben’s Bitter Blog). So, to all Ben’s followers currently complying with his first-ever demand, I hereby meekly, humbly request that while purchasing C. Miller’s books, 1/70th of you purchase mine too. I trust everyone will agree this is fair, and thank you in advance.
That is fair, but as I will be letting you know, I will demand that when my book or books come out, I expect everyone to promote my book for me, so I don’t have to do anything.
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