The Gym hasn’t been working out, which is ironic, because the gym wants everyone else to workout. (Holding for applause on my dad joke…aaaand back to the post.)

My wife likes to make fun of me, because I have all these routines and when she sidetracks them, I get a little cranky and bitter. I get up at the same time, I go to work at the same time, I stay up late until the same time every night, and I go to the gym from 4:15pm to 5:30 pm. My wife laughing at me when she throws off my routine, but she’s not laughing when she sees how sexy I look after a workout.

When my gym time gets cut short, it messes with my head. I don’t really care about the exercise part. Sweating and breathing heavily isn’t a good look on me. Running on the treadmill is about as repetitive and boring as it gets. The reason I like going to the gym, is because I’m not at work, and I’m not at home. I’m in my sanctuary where my wife can’t ask me to do things, and my boss isn’t looking over my shoulder when I’m pretending to do work. You can see why I don’t like getting interrupted at the gym. At the gym, there’s no boss. Just me getting sweaty and waiting for the transformation of my gut into a six pack. In the year and a half of going to the gym, I still haven’t produced a one pack, but I’m sure the magic is going to happen any day now.

Today isn’t about MY experience with the gym though. It about the observations I have about other people at the gym. The nice thing about being stuck on a treadmill for an hour is that you have time to watch other people struggle. I just hope my face doesn’t look near as bad as they do…which is why I avoid mirrors when I work out. Without further ado, here are some observations I’ve had at the gym.

One further ado first. The gym I go to has two floors, and they moved the treadmills recently. Please don’t tell my wife that they changed, or she’ll make fun of how the change rocked my routine. It did, by the way. They used to be face the exercise room, the downstairs people coming in, and it was in the middle of the track. Now most of the treadmills face the parking lot and the mountains.

When you run, positioning is key. Looking at the parking lot and the outdoors suck. I got this stupid game on my phone that about rearranging cars in a parking lot. Deleted that bileware 10 minutes later. It was the most boring game I’d ever played. Watching cars move in and out of spots makes me crazy. When I go to a store, I find the easiest spot and park. I could care less about how close I get. My wife will wait 10 minutes for a spot that is two spaces closer and end up parking farther than I would anyways.

When I have a treadmill spot that faces the parking lot, all I see is people like my wife waiting for the “perfect spot” and I want to lot and strangle these people. It actually makes my workout seem 10 times longer. And the view of the mountains…boooring. I don’t know why people love the mountains so much. They never move or do anything interesting. People on the other hand, are always doing stupid things to entertain you.

Like my next observation. When I get one of the cherry spots, one of the two treadmills that are facing the track, I get to see all kinds of people walk and run around the track. One of funniest ones are the young mom or dad that can’t give up working out, so they pack their baby in a BabyBjorn and walk with extra weight. The other day, I looked at one of the little kids, and he stuck his tongue out at me, because he was getting a free ride around the track. It made me so bitter. Don’t worry though, I just gave me a good idea about how to get revenge on him. One day, he will work in a retirement facility and I will be in a wheelchair and I will make him push me around the track. Even though I won’t get anything out of it…except for revenge.

The gym is where I get all my inspirational ideas for blog posts (because I’m so bitter there). I used to use the simple method of just remembering things, but I lost my photographic memory when I was one cell old. (Sadness, Anger, Disgust, Fear and Bitterness, from Inside Out are so busy keeping Joy out of my brain, that they have no time to help me remember stuff.) Instead, I write notes on my phone with my Samsung Pen. The problem is that I’m really bad at summing things into a few words. Running on treadmills and writing things clearly don’t exactly go together like Peanut Butter and Chocolate. When I revisit my notes, it’s like trying to interpret ancient hieroglyphics, or my son’s handwriting. I can do it, but I usually have to put my glasses on and concentrate really hard. Like a professor reading a really bad 50-page essay. Or a scientist looking through a microscope trying to decipher if something is a membrane, a nuclei, or a cytosol.

What isn’t hard to decipher is what people will do when there is a slide. Remember when I told you that my gym has two levels? There are a couple of ways you can get from the bottom floor to the top floor. There are elevators, there are stairs and there is jumping. I’ve never had much of a vertical though, so jumping to the second floor hasn’t worked yet. Jumping down is a bit easier, except on my broken limbs. I try to avoid that when possible. My gym decided to try one other thing. They installed a slide. Grown adults turn absolutely giddy when they see they can take a slide to the first floor. They aren’t as excited when I use it to get to the second floor. Some people are just so stuck in their routines I guess.

Speaking of going downhill, this post is getting theres, so before you get too triggered, let’s just get to the Bitter Friday Giftures…

My wife’s favorite thing to do…

But she’s not laughing…

I know honey…

Can’t you tell I’m busy right now…

That baby may think…

But someday…

Can’t tell you how interesting it is…

My brain got rid of…

I’m trying to remember why…

Let me get out my translator…

I think I might know…

I’m not sure why everyone gets triggered…

I have a few more observations about the gym that make me bitter, but let’s hear from you guys. What stuff do you see that you can’t believe? Or that make you mad, or bitter or frustrated? Or are you like me and just avoided the gym until it was almost too late? What’s you gym vibe? Or are you more of a Jim Halpert kind of vibe?

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Gym Hasn’t Been Working Out Ben