I’ve been in the working industry for a long time. When I was a kid, my dad told me that there was no such thing as a free lunch. Since I was born at 8 pm at night, I was already proven as the laziest family member because I didn’t have my first job until I was 16 hours old. I now had to find a job so I could pay for my lunch.

Since I had no job experience at that point in life, I had to take a job at Walmart. My job was a self-checker. They always give the newborns the hard jobs at first. If you’ve been around long enough, you get promoted to regular checkers, where you stand around doing nothing while the self-checkers do all the work. The pay was terrible, but it didn’t matter because the government took 40% of my check. Sadly, my parents took even more, 59%. (Those were the good old days. My current family takes 50% each, which equals 150% of my check.) I only had 1% left to pay rent, my share of the utilities, gas, since I drove myself to work), and if I had anything leftover, lunch. I usually just got stuff off McDonald’s dollar menu, back when stuff on the dollar menu didn’t cost $5.

I’ve learned a few things since then. I learned that they can’t charge you for lunch when you don’t eat any. I learned ways to get food from others. I might hate meetings with the burning passion of a thousand pizza ovens, but I’ve been able to sniff out when there is food involved. I also like to work more during the Christmas season, because that’s when all the food comes out. People always bring out the healthy food during the holidays. Stuff like cookies, brownies, doughnuts, cake, and chocolate cookies, chocolate brownies, chocolate doughnuts, and chocolate cake. Once in a while, someone will bring something unhealthy like Kale or Carrots, but those go too quickly, so I never get a chance at those.

For some reason, most people go out of their way to avoid working on Christmas Day. They have they flimsy excuses like, “I want to be with my family” or “Business is really slow that day, so I would be bored”. In my whole history of working, I’ve never worked on Christmas Day. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to convince my employers to allow me to work on Christmas. They must just want to punish me. They probably assume I’m like everyone else that wants to spend time with people and open presents.

Why would I want that again? Do they think it’s fun for me sit around a table full of expensive food that I’m not going to eat, but I have to pay for anyways? Do they think I shout Hallelujah when I’m sitting around a tree full of presents that I pay for, that Santa gets credit for? Do they not realized that every present, no matter who it’s for, I have to pay for? All Christmas does is delay how long it takes for me to get stuff.

Here’s a sampling of how it works. Let’s say it’s May. Me: “Honey, the battery on my phone is dying. I need a new phone.”

H: “Oh, well those are expensive. And your birthday was just last month. Let’s just save up until Christmas.”

M: “Okay, but I noticed the kids both just got phones last week. Their birthdays aren’t for several months.”

H: “Yeah, but the boy was throwing his in the air just for the fun of it, and it landed in the toilet and he flushed it. We can’t have him wandering around without Candy Crush.”

M: “I thought we got it so he could text or call us when he needed a ride…”

H: “Oh yeah, and that too.”

M: “Well, we could just get him one of those flip phones then.”

H: “Yeah, but those don’t render Candy Crush in 4K.”

M: “Okay, well I was hoping to get a phone that would allow you to text me too. This one from 1998 doesn’t do that yet.”

H: “Honey, you work all the time. You don’t have time for texting or calling. How do you think we can afford the kids’ phones?”

M: “Yeah, but since I work, shouldn’t I be able to get a new phone?”

H: “We would, but your daughter needs a new phone now.”

M: “Didn’t we just get her one a few months ago?”

H: “Yeah, but she was texting her friend, and it just stopped working. We’ll just have to save up for one for you.”

M: “You said that back in 2004.”

H: “Honey, quit being so impatient. Christmas.”

And of course, she will forget that she promised me a new phone yet again. The kids will get them though. not get a new phone while the kids will both get new phones. For the love of all that is good and holy, let me be the “bad boyfriend” from a Hallmark movie that says his boss made him work Christmas Day.

If my bosses would finally let me work on Christmas, it would be the holiest day ever. I would be like Kevin McAlister in Home Alone. Except I would have the office all to myself. Working without co-workers around? No chance of customers coming in? No kids complaining because they only got 35 presents instead of 36? I wouldn’t even complain like Kevin did that I missed my co-workers.

I might even play Silent Night on my headphones because of the joy of silence.

Pure, unadulterated time quiet time to myself for 8 hours? I might even work overtime that day.

Until then…enjoy these Bitter Friday Giftures

Many reasons actually…

If Santa gets to work on Christmas…

This would be me on Christmas Day…

It’s like Home Alone…

It’s like Home Alone…

It’s like Home Alone…

It’s like Die Hard…

I got invited to work on Christmas…

Despite Bruce Willis portraying Die Hard as a nightmare…

His mission…

Hans became the villain…

Milhouse…

Someday, maybe in a fantasy far, far away, I will be granted the privelege of working on Christmas day.

Until then, I can only hope that one Christmas morning, I can be so sleepy that I take a quick nap and realized that I’m at work instead of home.

I fear Santa may be the only one that could grant my Christmas Day Wish.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Working Christmas Day Ben