Thunder Thighs Bitter Friday Giftures

There is a popular song out right now called Victoria’s Secret by a singer named Jax. If you’ve never heard it, or paid attention to the lyrics (which I almost never do), it’s basically a parody about all the things that Victoria’s Secret “teaches” society about what women should look like. In one of the lyrics she says, “I wish somebody would have told me that thighs of thunder meant normal human thighs.”

For full disclosure, I grew up rail skinny. It wasn’t until I turned 19 that I learned the bitter betrayal of metabolism. The instant I started a 2-year mission where people would feed me every night, I started sitting down and my stomach would hurt and my clothes got tight. I couldn’t figure it out until my companion casually said, “You’re probably putting on a little weight.” I was very appreciative of that bitter slap in the face.

Over the next 30 years, I gained 100 more pounds to my all-time high in 2019. The thing about most people like me is that almost all the weight goes to the stomach area. I’ve always had skinny legs and thighs.

I remember all the way back even to probably junior high, how having thunder thighs was an insult. Let me tell you something right now. It may be an insult from some people, but it isn’t for me. I wish I had thunder thighs.

For anyone out there that has been insulted by being called Thunder Thighs, I have one thing to say to them.

One of the most powerful beings in the whole universe, one of the fittest and godlike and possibly funniest people I know, Thor, the God of Thunder has Thunder Thighs.

If anyone tries to insult you for them, I give you permission to tell them that.

On a side note, Thor is the God of Thunder. I don’t know if you know this, but Thunder is the noise part. How is he allowed to wield or control Lightning if he is the God of Thunder? Shouldn’t he just be able to make really loud noises in order to scare people? If so, that is really powerful, because just as I was posing this question in a meeting the other day, a rumble came from right above us where the wearhouse works and it scared the crap out of me and the rest of the people in the meeting.

If Thor was able to control really loud rumbling and sound, he might not even have to control Lightning. Think about serial killers in scary movies. 99% of their kill is the psychological part, where they make scary noises. The “striking lightning” part is only 1% of the kill and that part is easy once they get the noise part right.

Ever since I saw Thor Ragnarök, it cemented in my mind that Thor was the coolest and most powerful Avenger. Not only was he the funniest, but when he leapt up in the air and summoned that lightning down upon his sister’s minions, I was like, that is what I want for Christmas. The power of Thunder and Lightning is the coolest. He was hands down the best part of Avengers Infinity War, when he gets Stormbreaker and appears out of nowhere and annihilates every one of Thanos’ dog things. And in my opinion, he could have taken down Thanos in a fair fight.

If I had his powers, how cool would it be to literally shoot thunder (and lightning) out of my thighs?

Unfortunately, I’ve not been granted the power of thunder thighs.

But for those that do have thunder thighs, just because they don’t shoot thunder or lightning, that doesn’t mean you aren’t powerful.

My son has thighs twice the size of mine, and it makes him a pain in the butt to wrestle. Even though he’s only 15, and I’m skilled at using any method of cheating when we wrestle (we can’t wrestle in here, mom will get made if we break things!), or (oh my gosh buddy, I’m old and my knee is injured from walking up the steps) he would destroy me in a legal match. Which is why I never allow legal matches.

His thunder thighs are going to take him to the NFL (at least they better, cause I need to retire soon.)

My tiny thighs have led to nothing but pain. Knee pain, hip pain and the pain of not being able to send a single electrical bolt through any of my enemies. For those of you with thunder thighs, embrace your superpower, and these Bitter Friday Giftures…

When I was but a lad…

…I was skin and bones.

Back then, I could barely carry…

…two friends and a dog.

But then I turned 19…

…and learned about a little thing called metabolism.

My stomach got bigger…

…but my thighs never did.

Back then it was an insult to call people…

…thunder thighs.

In Jax’s song Victoria’s Secret…

…she called out people that called Thunder thighs normal thighs.

I’d love to see those bullies call this guy…

…thunder thighs to his face.

Nowadays…

…people realize that there is power in those things.

Like this guy…

…ready to destroy me.

Or my son…

…using them to destroy me in wrestling.

Whatever you do…

…don’t mess with the thunder…

Or…

…the lightning.

Be proud of those thunder thighs, just don’t brag about them in front of me, because I cannot shoot lightning, thunder or even wrestle you to the ground with mine.

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter UnThundered Thighs Ben

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32 thoughts on “Thunder Thighs Bitter Friday Giftures

  1. I am not familiar with this song you mention as I live in the past when music was good. I remember once running into a friend of mine. We stopped for coffee and my friend wanted to share a slice of cheesecake. I said I really shouldn’t because I was watching my weight and should probably go on a diet anyway. My friend questioned why I would want to diet just because I look like a woman. I never thought about dieting again. My husband thinks I look like Sophia Loren; no way I’m gonna change that!

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  2. I have the same issue. Only for me I started regaining my weight later in my mid 20’s to 30’s and now I am above my ideal weight. But don’t worry my Lord, I already have a retirement fund ready for you

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