There is a popular song out right now called Victoria’s Secret by a singer named Jax. If you’ve never heard it, or paid attention to the lyrics (which I almost never do), it’s basically a parody about all the things that Victoria’s Secret “teaches” society about what women should look like. In one of the lyrics she says, “I wish somebody would have told me that thighs of thunder meant normal human thighs.”
For full disclosure, I grew up rail skinny. It wasn’t until I turned 19 that I learned the bitter betrayal of metabolism. The instant I started a 2-year mission where people would feed me every night, I started sitting down and my stomach would hurt and my clothes got tight. I couldn’t figure it out until my companion casually said, “You’re probably putting on a little weight.” I was very appreciative of that bitter slap in the face.
Over the next 30 years, I gained 100 more pounds to my all-time high in 2019. The thing about most people like me is that almost all the weight goes to the stomach area. I’ve always had skinny legs and thighs.
I remember all the way back even to probably junior high, how having thunder thighs was an insult. Let me tell you something right now. It may be an insult from some people, but it isn’t for me. I wish I had thunder thighs.
For anyone out there that has been insulted by being called Thunder Thighs, I have one thing to say to them.
One of the most powerful beings in the whole universe, one of the fittest and godlike and possibly funniest people I know, Thor, the God of Thunder has Thunder Thighs.
If anyone tries to insult you for them, I give you permission to tell them that.
On a side note, Thor is the God of Thunder. I don’t know if you know this, but Thunder is the noise part. How is he allowed to wield or control Lightning if he is the God of Thunder? Shouldn’t he just be able to make really loud noises in order to scare people? If so, that is really powerful, because just as I was posing this question in a meeting the other day, a rumble came from right above us where the wearhouse works and it scared the crap out of me and the rest of the people in the meeting.
If Thor was able to control really loud rumbling and sound, he might not even have to control Lightning. Think about serial killers in scary movies. 99% of their kill is the psychological part, where they make scary noises. The “striking lightning” part is only 1% of the kill and that part is easy once they get the noise part right.
Ever since I saw Thor Ragnarök, it cemented in my mind that Thor was the coolest and most powerful Avenger. Not only was he the funniest, but when he leapt up in the air and summoned that lightning down upon his sister’s minions, I was like, that is what I want for Christmas. The power of Thunder and Lightning is the coolest. He was hands down the best part of Avengers Infinity War, when he gets Stormbreaker and appears out of nowhere and annihilates every one of Thanos’ dog things. And in my opinion, he could have taken down Thanos in a fair fight.
If I had his powers, how cool would it be to literally shoot thunder (and lightning) out of my thighs?
Unfortunately, I’ve not been granted the power of thunder thighs.
But for those that do have thunder thighs, just because they don’t shoot thunder or lightning, that doesn’t mean you aren’t powerful.
My son has thighs twice the size of mine, and it makes him a pain in the butt to wrestle. Even though he’s only 15, and I’m skilled at using any method of cheating when we wrestle (we can’t wrestle in here, mom will get made if we break things!), or (oh my gosh buddy, I’m old and my knee is injured from walking up the steps) he would destroy me in a legal match. Which is why I never allow legal matches.
His thunder thighs are going to take him to the NFL (at least they better, cause I need to retire soon.)
My tiny thighs have led to nothing but pain. Knee pain, hip pain and the pain of not being able to send a single electrical bolt through any of my enemies. For those of you with thunder thighs, embrace your superpower, and these Bitter Friday Giftures…
When I was but a lad…
Back then, I could barely carry…
But then I turned 19…
My stomach got bigger…
Back then it was an insult to call people…
In Jax’s song Victoria’s Secret…
I’d love to see those bullies call this guy…
Nowadays…
Like this guy…
Or my son…
Whatever you do…
Or…
Be proud of those thunder thighs, just don’t brag about them in front of me, because I cannot shoot lightning, thunder or even wrestle you to the ground with mine.
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter UnThundered Thighs Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
How bitter!😱
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That’s me. The #1 bitter blogger in the world….
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The bitter slap of finding out you’re fat. I leaned it early.
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It definitely came out of nowhere. I remember sitting down after dinner and wondering why my gut hurt. I didn’t appreciate my stomach telling me I was gaining weight.
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I am not familiar with this song you mention as I live in the past when music was good. I remember once running into a friend of mine. We stopped for coffee and my friend wanted to share a slice of cheesecake. I said I really shouldn’t because I was watching my weight and should probably go on a diet anyway. My friend questioned why I would want to diet just because I look like a woman. I never thought about dieting again. My husband thinks I look like Sophia Loren; no way I’m gonna change that!
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I have the same issue. Only for me I started regaining my weight later in my mid 20’s to 30’s and now I am above my ideal weight. But don’t worry my Lord, I already have a retirement fund ready for you
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I appreciate the retirement fund, because I’m ready to sit on the couch and play video games for the rest of my bitter days.
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Don’t worry, I began my reign of terror by using reverse weather magic and now you have all of the world trembling at your feet.
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Now I need the tremblers to go somewhere else, because I don’t want to deal with them right now. I will be in my chambers.
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I will deal with them my lord. I will tell them to begin your snack supply and prepare your games later
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Sounds great. I like pizza and I want it delivered by drone, so as not to have to deal with the people. Like in my post today.
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Done, I shall read thy holy post soon M’Lord!
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I see you did your duty to read my post. Spread the word with many drones!
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I shall Lord Revengerman!!!!!
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Thanks for spreading the post. They shall all be reading it soon and know of the might of the Bitter Kingdom.
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All HAIL the Bitterness Lord!
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Now go forth and find humor like mine, so that I may at least have a humor servant.
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Yes my liege,
It will be done
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Actually, you may live in the tower, as you’ve proven faithful. But you should recruit more that understand the humor.
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I will Master, all show bow down before thee. And we will sacrifice Video games and good food to you to keep you happy!
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This is acceptable behavior. Video games shall be played multiple times this weekend (when I’m not being summoned to open presents). Look forward to the Bitter Friday Giftures tomorrow, which has been scheduled for tomorrow at 8:15 am MST.
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Yes my Lord,
It shall be as you command. We will also extend Christmas in January for you so you can get extra gifts
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That sounds good since it is now January and I need more gifts to fill up my fortress.
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Tell me what you would like Master
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Some new video games and an armed drone. The drone to survey the area and shoot down enemies if needed.
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I have just the thing. And we also have a squadron of armed birds.
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Do the birds have machine guns or are they just armed with poop?
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Both, and the machine guns are a smaller version of the type used on drones. They kill more effectively and are hard to spot on a body by a coroner. They look almost like microscopic needle marks. Ohhhh that gives me an idea : Poison Darts!
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Poison darts. Genius. Use the alligators from the mote for the poison.
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It shall be done my Lord
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Well done.
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🙏
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