I spent my Christmas vacation like I spend all my time. Being disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn’t find any awesome gifts to give myself. Disappointed that my family wanted to be around me, despite the fact that I’m no fun to be around. But the biggest disappointment was that I wasn’t able to watch more movies.

Believe me, I tried. We had the free Redbox’s from T-Mobile, so we got the latest James Bond movie, and Being Evan Hansen. But that wasn’t enough. I also went on a date with my wife to see the Kurt Warner story. And of course, I had to see Spiderman so no one dropped spoiler bombs on me. Now that I’ve seen it though, I can reveal that he brought Tony Stark back from the dead and Captain America back from being old, so now the Marvel universe is restored and we can stop pretending that anything post Thanos meant anything.

Speaking of Spiderman, it’s okay that I talk about Doc Otto Octavius (because he was in the trailer), who became Dr. Octopus. I’m not sure how the Marvel guys came up with that name. They claim it is because he had 8 arms like an octopus and his last name started with Oct, but with that same logic, couldn’t they call him Dr. October? October has 8 days.

I think they definitely missed the boat on this one, because he should have named himself Dr. Awkward. Things got really awkward when he invented the sun in Spiderman 2 and he ended up killing his wife. I know he had the more pressing issue of beating Spiderman, but there were a lot of awkward situations going on in that room when it happened. He was shirtless, his wife got killed by a glass shard, and well the press was kind of expecting him to harness the sun.

On the other hand, I’m glad he didn’t become Dr. Awkward. Because quite frankly, I want the name. Right now, I have a bachelor’s in awkwardness, but I definitely want to pursue my higher education in awkwardology (the study of awkwardness). I’ve already been accepted into the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness for my master’s, but I think I really can someday become the first in the country to earn my Doctorate in Awkwardness.

It will be quite a ceremony, because I will invite a lot of people to come, but hardly anyone will except my ex-girlfriends and Great Aunt’s once removed that I have nothing in common with. Which will make the event absolutely, that’s right, awkward.

Speaking of bad transitions to the BFG’s…well, this is awkward.

When it comes to your awkward education…

You will learn the craft of awkwardness…

Michael will teach you the best awkward techniques….

Andy will give you tips…

And the cast will show you how to master…

There will be guest stars from Community…

Jess from the show It’s Jess…

Speaking of singers…

Our wrestling coach is not only good at wrestling…

When Napolean isn’t busy campaign managing for his presidential candidate…

Former meme Chloe might be persuaded…

This professor specializes…

Zack Galifan…something will teach you about…

Thanks to me, these masters of awkwardness have assembled to guide you along the pathway towards total and complete awkwardness in all facets of your life. Though I will always be the most awkward and first Dr. of Awkwardness, I couldn’t not at least give some of the elite awkwards a chance to learn from the best (me of course). Sign up today, because classes are filling up fast and you might have to awkwardly sit in the front, which we know no one wants to do.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Dr. Awkward Ben