I have this problem. I have this habit of saving the world…all the time. I don’t mean to. It’s just that the world of Hyrule needed saving (Legend of Zelda). I keep saving people too. But you know, if my son just did his homework, I wouldn’t have to keep saving him from his mom.
Lifesaving is exhausting. I don’t know how Thor and the Hulk do it without needing a nap everyone once in a while.
All I know is that yesterday was the worst day ever. I’m not even joking. Like not even my worst day, but the world’s worst day. I got up 15 minutes late, my electric car got below 50%, my eggs at lunch were slightly burnt and I had to do some additional reports for my boss. And I keep getting these emails from a CBD seller. I already have my CBD source. Could you just stop sending me these? Sheesh.
Clearly yesterday was not the worst day ever for me. It wasn’t even the worst day of the week. Because every day is the worst. When you’re not an optimist, pessimist, or even realist, but a bitterest, every day is awful. And when people ask how your day and it was boring, you need the secret weapon of hyperbole.
Without hyperbole, “How was your day?” would just be the typical teenage response, “Fine”. But with hyperbole, it turns into, “The worst day ever! Let me just tell you how awful my co-workers were!” Also, stories would just be, “I got into work, pulled my car into the parking spot. Then I walked to the door, opened it, typed my employee number into the clock…”, etc. Boring.
In fact, this blog wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for my expert ability in hyperbiology. Thankfully I obtained my hyperbiology degree at Ben’s B.I.T.T.E.R School of Bitterness.
Wanna know who else got their hyperbiology degree at Ben’s B.I.T.T.E.R School of Bitterness? Every politician ever. Every sports agent. Every actor. Every lawyer (they actual major in hyperbiology and minor in law). Every teacher. Everyone you work with who told how horrible their day was yesterday. Or the ones that told you how great their vacation was.
Hyperbiology is just a legal form of lying. And politicians that aren’t good at anything else, are masters of the hyperb (hyperbolic verb).
I probably took you a little too far behind the curtain, but that is what I’m here for. I’m the Bizzard of Oz. Your professor of Hyperbiology. I bring you with a tornado of hyperbole onto the Bitter Brick Road. Follow that path and you will someday be as bitter as I. The first step isn’t to meet anyone, but to watch these Bitter Friday Giftures.
To be a hyperbiologist…
Embellishment 101…
An exaggerated description…
What you did…
When people ask you to do something…
A master hyperbiologist…
A master hyperbiologist will…
You should always have an excuse…
Always remember…
Very descriptive…
If you ever get stuck without something to say…
Most important of all…
Of course, these aren’t all the lessons you will need in order to get your hyperbiology degree. In fact, this is just the beginning. You will need to study hard and work many hours on your degree. It will take determination, and grit and a lot of excuses to your family why you are not ever home. And at first, you won’t be very good at telling them why you needed all this money for your degree, but by the time you obtain your degree, your family will be begging you spend even more money on your degree, and hoping you never finish your degree.
ARRRGGGHHHHHHHH
Bitter Hyperbiology Professor Ben