The Simulation Bitter Friday Giftures

You know the movie Free Guy with Ryan Reynolds is coming out today right? Since Ryan wasn’t able to sponsor this blog post because of his ties to Mint Mobile, I’m going to sponsor it myself. Unfortunately, my bank account is being drained by these three people who are squatting in my house (they keep calling themselves my family). So I’m going to need you people to donate to this really expensive blog post I’m writing here, so please your donations to my Venmo @ben-gardner-18. This will ensure that this content is a higher quality of crap.

As you know, in the movie Free Guy, Ryan’s character is an NPC in a video game. If you don’t know what that is, well you aren’t very cool, because video games are cool and you aren’t hip with the lingo. NPC is a non playable character, meaning it isn’t the main character in the game. Kind of like an extra in a movie. They wander around and might even say something, but they are just meant as background noise for the game.

Did you know that we also live in a simulation just like Ry Ren? We do. Just take a look around. Remember in Horton Hears a Who where Steve Carell and his family were just living on a speck of a flower that Horton was carrying? That is us. We just live on a speck called earth that seems really big to us, but to Horton, we are just specks.

And to him we are just NPC’s. Well, I am anyways. I thought I was a main character until recently. But now I realize that some punk kid is using his main character to push mine around. I just go to the same place everyday (I call it work), get some money (am I really though? It’s direct deposit, so I don’t really see it.), run on a simulated track (a treadmill) and the spend the rest of my time watching other simulations (my TV and video games). Does that sound like a main character to you? Maybe if you are in the Sims (oh wait, the simulation).

If I were the main character, I would be going on adventures in my game. I would be traveling the world, being a spy, running and gunning in a war on another planet, or living with animals that could talk. Do I do any of those things? I didn’t think so. As much as I thought I was the main character, I certainly am not.

I’m just an NPC that occasionally does funs things every once in a while and gets run into the main character once in a while to spice up my life. I’m just a speck on a speck on Horton’s Flower. I’m just an extra in someone else’s movie. I l love just waking up and knowing that I’m an insignificant speck.

Luckily that just means I have nothing to lose. I can be as bitter as you want, and no one will care. I can just go into work naked and no one will care. I can dance in the middle of the highway and get hit by a car and I’ll will just respawn where back at my house.

It’s pretty freeing to be as bitter as I want. Speaking of being bitter as I want, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures of the week.

See how insignificant…

dr seuss flower GIF
…I am?

I’m just a bit player…

Game Movie GIF by Wikitude
…in someone else’s game.

Here they are doing…

guy nod GIF by Clemens Reinecke
…my character creation.

Here they are…

excited video game GIF
…controlling what I do every day.

Here they are…

video games spinning GIF by haydiroket (Mert Keskin)
…getting me to workout at the gym today.

Here they are…

video games pizza GIF
…helping me figure out what to eat tonight.

Here they are making me…

Video Games Hug GIF by Amy Poehler's Smart Girls
…hug people against my will.

Here are some Bluejays and racoons…

video games GIF
…taking control of my life.

Here I am getting posterized…

Video Games Basketball GIF
…in my gym class.

This is me…

driving animal crossing GIF
…getting taken to the airport.

This is me when I get older…

Video Games Fight GIF by Ubisoft
…getting bullied by nursing home co-workers.

And this is me finally figuring out…

scary movie anna farris GIF
…that I’m just an NPC in a video game.

I’m hope that when you guys figure out that you are just in a simulation, you will take it as well as I have. I know it sucks to know that you are insignificant, but again, once you figure it out, you won’t have to worry so much about what filter you are going to use on Instagram or how much money you make. On that note, I appreciate all the money you are donating to this sponsored post by me.


Bitter Simulation Ben


9 thoughts on “The Simulation Bitter Friday Giftures

  1. This is quite tempting to read more of you. Not that I care about you but because I wonder about those who control you. They might need to be kicked out to the street and maybe you are the one who can do it. Just think, then you could be main character. …. Thanks for reading my tall tale today and leaving bait in the form of a like. 😀


  2. Funny, I’ve been having similar thoughts, i.e., feeling neglected and invisible and then realizing how freeing that is. I can eat or not eat, dress how I want, work or slack off (freelancing perquisite), and nobody takes notice. How liberating.


  3. What is that gif with the elderly characters beating each other? Is that an actual game? Who comes up with that stuff! :’)

    Ben, maybe you should have taken the red pill instead of the blue one (or was it the other way around?). Maybe you wouldn’t be an NPC then. You could have been the hero!


        • I did see the movie and I think their point was that he was just living the same life every day and it got old to make no impact whatsoever. On the other hand, he was pretty happy when he didn’t know. I guess it is the old religious debate of living as if you have nothing to lose if you think there is nothing after this life, but living as a responsible person if you know there is a life afterwards. A good thought experiment in a ways.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I am the main character in a video game. The powers-that-be kept putting me in bizarre situations and introducing NPCs that were mostly annoying or rude, until I found a game glitch that let me rewrite the code. Now I AM the powers-that-be of my very own game, starring me, and it’s way better. The NPCs have gotten mostly better, too. Like this one NPC, named Ben, who’s really bitter but recommends good movies sometimes. 👍🏽


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