Masterclass Bitter Friday Giftures

You know that college is pretty useless right? Don’t believe me? Just take a look at just two examples I have, both in my own family, and I will prove it. (Isn’t that what science teaches us? That we have to prove things?) First example is me. I went dutifully for 5 years to college. I was one of those rare people that decided on a major when I was in 7th grade. I was going to be an advertising copywriter, on work on Nike commercials. I majored in business management with an emphasis in marketing, because that is where my focus was. Then, when it came time for me to get a job, I sought out help from you know, the college to help me get an internship or a start in a career. They sent me to some dark, dingy corner of the college where trolls lived (this was before trolls from the internet were invented), and asked for help getting a job.

They pointed me to some outdated newspaper classified section, and monster.com. Wow, was I impressed with how helpful that was. I ended up working in customer service for 15 years, because you know, that’s almost exactly what an ad copywriter does all day. Kind of like how actors work as servers at restaurants.

Second example is of my father. He went to Hong Kong for 3 years as a missionary, so he learned how to speak Cantonese or Mandrin or something, so when he came back to go to school, he decided to major in the lucrative field of Asian studies. So, of course, he landed a job as a computer specialist in Minneapolis. See how valuable college was for both of us? Oh and my wife, she duel majored in English and Psychology, which got her all the experience she needed to be an insurance agent.

Since college is so valuable, competition for learning things is really steep, but somehow these things called Masterclasses started popping up in order to supplement the educational training for people that were just missing one little skill they needed to be successful.

I noticed a severe lack of the skill of bitterness in the workplace and the world, so I, the master bitterperson, am ready to pass on my skills and knowledge for the low price of all your money. Luckily, I offer this class today for free.

My Venmo is @Ben-Gardner-18 for anyone that wants to give me money and eventually get this Masterclass. In the meantime, enjoy these Bitter Masterclass Giftures as a free gift.

You will be overwhelmed…

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…by how much you will be learning.

This is one…

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…of my satisfied customers.

We’ll be learning the art…

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…of the scowl.

We’ll learn about the gift…

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…of headphones.

The power of the…

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…swivel chair.

The joy of…

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…automatic windows.

The ways to continue social distancing…

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…for the rest of your life.

We’ll learn techniques like…

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…how to lose friends and how to maintain those losses.

We’ll teach you how to let wealth…

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…slip right through your fingers.

We’ll help you to recognize opportunies…

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…and how to let them fly right by.

We’ll teach you how to dwell on the past…

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…and look toward a bleak future.

So eventually…

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…you can become a bitter old man or woman.

Your past may have been horrible, your present might be in shambles, and your future may look bleak, but let’s be honest, it could be much bleaker. All you need is a little training from the master of bitter and you too could someday be as bitter as me. Well, okay, that’s impossible, but if you try really hard, you could be within the same universe as me. Join today, before your bleak future gets a crack of sunshine and it is ruined forever.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Masterclass Master Ben

10 thoughts on “Masterclass Bitter Friday Giftures

  1. Recently I started getting ads for Masterclasses, too. I’m not convinced I need anything it offers, but what do I know? I went to college, I learned seemingly useless stuff, I have a blog– which probably makes me their most coveted demographic.

    Like

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