I’m ready to sell out

Might run into a guy like this.

I’ve never been to a concert in my life. I don’t know if it is because I like money, because I want to my ears to work, because no one has ever invited me to one, or be…oh yeah, it’s because I hate crowds. We’ve already talked about my claustraphobia this week. That is one very bitter reason why to avoid them. There is also that little personality quirk I have called not liking other people.

A lot of famous singers, YouTubers and celebrities get in a lot of trouble with their fans for “not being authentic” or selling products that the fans don’t deem worthy of them. Another word that fans like to throw around (because fans are important to a famous person or something) is sellout.

Famous people make sure to very careful to “protect their brand’ by only choosing products that would be in line with their messaging and brand. Luckily, while I share the bitterness of a celebrity, I don’t share their care of protecting my brand.

Ever since I started the whole bitter brand, I’ve been seeking high and low for new ways to sell out. In fact, the first, middle and last product that offers me money to pitch something for them, they will get my minimumest effort to sell their product. I don’t care about my brand, my audience or my messaging.  That should have marketing executive salivating like me on a pizza day.

Bring on your large budgets of buckets of cash. If you have a lame service, product that needs a really bitter spokesperson, I’m your man. I will wear shirts that look like a NASCAR, littered with all your brands. You want a daily sponsor of your really lame pill that does nothing and has no FDA approval? I’ll build a banner on my header right up there.

Litter me like a NASCAR car.

You want me to tweet about your energy drink that makes kids climb up walls? I’ll leave you a space YOUR AD HERE right in the middle of a sentence for you.

I don’t care. My audience of former bloggers will know before, during and after your ad that I’m the biggest sellout in history. Gimme money and I will do just about anything. Heck you heard my post about Romaine salad yesterday? If they Romaine Salad Farmers of America (you know the RSFofA) come by today and give me lots of money, I’ll not only delete my post yesterday, I will pretend like it never happened.

I’m your biggest sellout companies. Now is your chance of a lifetime to give me money and allow your product to be shown to 10’s of people.

Sponsored by Bitter Industries Incorporated.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH Trademark or whatever here.

Bitter NAME OF FAMOUS COMPANY Ben

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14 thoughts on “I’m ready to sell out

  1. I am going today to see Jeff Dunham. The guy who talks through dumbies. I also hate crowds but my wife thinks his inane antics are funny and you got to please your wife. So I will go, put a smile on my face, go through the crowds of milling people and listen to filth coming out of a wooden toothpick. I am afraid of splinters and that is why I never put my hand up a trees butt and try to make it talk. I am dense that way.

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